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Turning Point

For those of you who know me, or kept up with my old blog, you have an idea of what has happened, and who I am.

If not, I'll get around to an introduction later.

Last weekend was supposed to be my going away party.  I had planned to go to Colorado earlier this week, and do body piercing, and spend time with other friends, and dance, and get into shape for the military.

I went up to the frozen north, to spend the last weekend I would have in Jersey with my true family.  The people I have found, and who have stuck around, and shown themselves to truly care about me.  I had also invited a friend, Lux, up too.  He's a newer addition to my life, but he's proven himself to be a good one, and I felt like he needed to meet my family, because he would fit in well.

The whole weekend was wonderful.  I got to run around and have little silly adventures, watch shows we all love to nerd over, beat on each other with latex weapons, and get everyone so much more drunk than they intended.  That morning, I told Lux I would get him drunk and take advantage of him.  My skill of getting people more drunk than they are normally able to was exercised, as Lux, Thrax, and I sat around a fire, talking of all things.

As we spoke, I felt my mind free itself of any attachment I still had to Thrax.  I kept thinking of how he treated me, and how much I didn't deserve it, but should have been treated better.  I thought of how happy I was at that point, with him not being a significant person in my life.

As Lux went to bed, and got the office ready for us both to stay in there together, Thrax went to hug me.  When he's drunk he can get very emotional, and with my leaving, I let him have the hug.  Then he went to kiss me goodnight, which I had thought would be a simple friendly smooch.
Then he tried to shove his tongue down my throat.
I pushed him off me, and he pinned me to the side of the house, and tried again.
Lux watched through the window, letting me handle it, but ready to come back outside if it was necessary.
Again I pushed him off of me, and he pleaded with me to allow the kiss.  I told him I wouldn't, and reminded him of his girlfriend.  He responded by trying yet another time.
I shoved him off me, and told him to go to bed.  He looked at me like he would cry.  As though I had shattered his heart, and was leaving him alone, with nothing.
And at this point, that's his problem.

I found at that moment, any bit of attraction to him I may have still had, was gone.  He has no idea what he wants, and runs entirely off of impulse and emotion.  He won't talk about how he feels unless he is drunk, and then if he admits to anything, and you don't agree with him, he starts attacking to make himself feel better.

And so I went into the office where I would be sleeping, with a mind cleared of any past attachment.  I curled up with Lux, told him what had happened, he mentioned seeing it, and we stayed there for a moment while I processed through what had just occurred.

Then I proceeded to fuck the shit out of Lux.  In a positively feral display of desire and lust, we tore each other apart, and with a freshly cleared mind, I felt myself able to submit again, and so I handed him some control, for the first time since I had surrendered to Thrax.  It felt natural, and he took that, and pressed for a little more, but didn't expect everything.

We awoke looking as though we'd both been mauled by bears, and we still do.

It was a very enlightening thing for me.  Which has left me wanting to step away from the part of my life I shared with Thrax, and embrace my own life now.

So this is what truly moving on feels like.

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