Sunday, April 27, 2014

Reminders

I was perusing Tumblr the other day, and found a picture of a woman's throat with a piece of string wrapped around it.  It struck me with an incredible amount of meaning, and symbolism about the collars we use to define our dynamics.

The string was nothing special.  A simple piece of twine, but it got me thinking.  It was similar to how some people would tie a string around their finger to remember to do something.  Something they look at, and touch, and can keep the idea in their head.

However, in this case it wasn't around the woman's finger.  It was at her throat.  A vital, and vulnerable area.  A part of the body that in the wrong hands, could make us lose our consciousness, cripple, or even kill us.

And we hand that over to someone we trust.  Someone who wouldn't harm what we give, but will protect it.

It doesn't matter what is wrapped around a woman's throat.  It could be an elaborate silver collar, engraved and delicate, or something as simple as a piece of tied leather thong.  The point that it is a reminder, to both people involved.

For the s/-type involved, it shows that they have handed over everything.  That they take the risk of trusting someone else with the most vulnerable parts of them.  Every time they feel the material rub against their skin, they are brought back to what they have given, and about the protection and comfort they receive in return.

Every time the dommypants side of the dynamic sees the collar, they know what they are protecting.  That they have something fragile to their touch.  That simply their choice of words could make their partner feel empowered, or completely shattered.  Knowing what they've earned the trust to have, and the work they put into it.

And the connection is there whether the collar is worn or not.  We cannot simply remove an object, and no longer feel what we do, but that visual and tactile symbol is something that can bring us comfort.  It is a reminder of what is there when we all have doubts.  Something to make us continue working towards earning that connection that is there, on both sides.  Solidifying it, and making a bond that is truly unbreakable.

A collar in no way needs to be obvious.  It just needs to be something that the people involved can look at, and know what they have, and how lucky they are to have it.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Feeling Lost

While life is fairly calm right now, I'm finding myself flailing to get caught up with everything coming up.

Performances are coming up, and I need to find the motivation to dance more.  I know that once I turn on the music and devote time to it, I'll be fine, and find my addiction to wiggling again, but it seems thrown away right now.

Getting everything started to begin making costuming is taking longer than anticipated, which I should have realized.  It sometimes feels like I'm failing for an impossible result.

While I feel inspired to work on things, they are often not the right things.  There is so much I need to do lately, and even though I should be playing with chain and fabric, I am compelled toward drawing.  Which I manage to finish quickly, but I need to figure out a way to balance my projects that need to happen, with what I want to make.

I'm feeling restless, and off.  I need a few days away from home I think.  To really figure out how I want to handle the next few months, how to get things started, and what to do with myself.  I'm still determined, and I'm not going to let anything shake me this time.  Some time out of the house to work, or even just clear my mind when I'm not staring at the clock, or worrying about getting back to my daughter right away.

I find myself craving power exchange again, and sometimes feeling lonely.  I feel so caught up in everything with my own life, I'm at the point where I over think a lot of it.  Being able to have someone else's life to consider as well allows me to spread my thoughts out more evenly, and I can focus without going too deeply into any of it.

Sometimes I need to be overwhelmed in order to function.  It makes me think more clearly, and then I can prioritize better, and by having someone always there to consider, I can keep that thought present.  I can lose myself in my art, and in creation, while thinking of the people in my life, and trying to keep them as motivated as I am.

I'll find a way out of the maze I'm in.  There's light to be found, and I'm stubborn enough to keep looking.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Handing Over Everything

Limits are important.  I will never think that having limits makes someone weak, or boring.  I myself have own share of them, some out of preference, and some for psychological reasoning that I simply need to keep out of my play to have me stay happy and content while with another person.

I am always sure to consider someone else's limits when playing with them, so they can stay comfortable with me, and know they will be just as respected and I would want from them.

When I have a more "permanent" dynamic though, I hand myself over, limits and all.

I know, I know, cue the no-limit slave arguments.

Seriously though, who is going to cut off someone's arm?  Or who would give themselves to someone where that might be a concern?  If you're going to engage in a serious dynamic, I would hope that you've spent the time to build respect between each other, developed trust, and care deeply about one another.

And part of that means even surrendering your limits to them.

I expect it even from those I own, it doesn't just go one way.

I need to know you trust me that much.  Likewise, I need to trust someone that completely to let someone own me.  I need to feel comfortable putting my limits aside for someone.

And the domlyone in a dynamic should have enough respect for the submissive involved not to take advantage of that.

Certain limits of mine will give me panic attacks.  Full on panic attacks that will leave me mentally broken, and not in a sexy way.  I expect anyone I would surrender to, to understand this, but know that with good enough reason, they could use this for training, or similar purpose.  At the same time, I would hope they know that at the end of it I will need time alone to work my head back together, and then time with them to know that everything is still okay, and that I am still cared for, and respected.

There's so much more to being dommypants than getting what you want.  You've got another person in your hands, to care for.  You need to respect them, while directing them, and making them blossom.  And sometimes that means doing what you want, but you need consider their well-being the entire time, and the balance between.

If I know someone is going to care that much, and is willing to take me on as theirs, they deserve that complete surrender, and I will do everything I can to show how grateful I am for it.
At the same time, I would hope someone would feel the same in my hands.  It's an amazingly empowering thing.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

A Need For Change

I fear stagnation.  In every aspect of my life.

I need regular change, and break from any routine.  I don't want any part of my life to become so predictable that I can walk myself through myself through my day.

It's why I cycle through so many different art mediums.  I don't want to burn out on any of them, so I will jump from one to another, to keep myself inspired, and in love with all of them.

I need adventure.  To leave the house, and wander the woods, or something away from home, even just for an hour.

New recipes, things to learn, all aspects of life need change and evolution.

Including sexy time.

I hate the idea of sex being the same.  Considering all the kink I'm into (And I in no expect one partner to share every kink that I do) sex should never become routine.

However, my last two relationships both had sex stagnate into the same five minute script.  To the point where I could almost tell where my exes hands would move, how their breathing would change, and every small movement that would occur.
This, at the same time of day, makes for me being so bored with the sex I almost don't want to fuck.
Well, no, I do, just not with them.

With the gnome, I never brought it up.  We had sex so infrequently, he was so vanilla, and "variety" to him was occasionally poking my bits with his hand.  Which he wasn't good at.  At all.

With Thrax, I brought it up.  We had started fooling around initially by making weekly playdates, and within about six months of us dating, unless I bothered him daily for a month, I got the same round of sex right before bed once a week.  If I really pushed, I could get the same thing three times a week.
When I brought it up to him, he said it was something he had done with all his girlfriends.  That he found something easy that would get the other person off, and stick to it.
To which I would respond that after probably the third time, I would stop cumming.  Which would make it months I would go without getting off.
Mind you, this isn't a thing to me, but when the guy is praising his skill in bed, and not able to realize he's stopped getting me off, there's a issue.
And then he attacked me saying I made him feel horrible, that I hadn't gotten off.
Uh, the fact that you've made it very clear that you don't want me directing anything in the bedroom, and I'm barely allowed to touch you, might have something to do with it.
You see these toy boxes collecting dust?  Yea, they used to get opened, and I'd have the chance to enjoy sex.  You might remember that point in time.

I don't need huge changes.  I just don't want sex to feel like a broken record.  Especially with the amount of sex I want, it'd be damn near impossible to make every encounter a completely different thing, but act on impulse.  Show desire, and let your ideas wander.  When sex stagnates, not only do I get bored, but it makes me think that you don't want me, and I'm just there as a convenience to get your dick wet.  Even when it's just a change in position, or a different room in the house, it means you're not just going through the motions, and actually want me there.

Stagnation brings me down.  Keep life changing, fluctuating, and evolving, and I will stay inspired, and keep the things that evolve along with me as a part of my life.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Why I Come With a Disclaimer

Thrax used to just call me a tank.

I can take a hell of a beating, and enjoy every second of it.
No, really.  To the point where people watching would fear that I would have serious injury or death, and a minute or so later, I'd completely walk it off like it never happened.

Most sadists try to call my bluff, and I've wound up wearing out more than one without coming close to my limit.

To top it off, it takes a lot to mark me up, and I heal incredibly quickly.

I was made for pain.

Do I expect anyone else to take the amount of pain I do?  Oh fuck no.  I'd never have anyone take the beating I can, and it often keeps me from indulging in my own sadistic desires, because I crave someone with my own tolerance to rip to shreds.
And I don't fault anyone with a lower tolerance than myself.  I'm fairly numb to sensation because of my high pain tolerance.  We all have our strengths, and quirks, and things that can make each of us fun to play with.

Now, I tend to say that I come with a warning label.  Why?  Because there has been more than a few occasions where someone who I had been playing with will have a different partner, and whether actively playing with pain or not, will be so used to using the amount of force they do with me, and immediately go way past their limit.  I joke that playing with me creates the risk that they may accidentally kill their next partner.  I'm not quite sure how much of it is a joke.

It's a lot of trust to put in the sadist I play with.  Convincing yourself that you can use as much force as I can take, getting comfortable there, and seeing how much I enjoy it, and how I can float along in the endorphins.  Completely letting the sadist off the leash, and knowing I won't break, run, or fear.
Then they find their next victim, and have to remove that from their minds.

Shortening that leash, remembering to take care, and how limited they are, after being able to tire themselves out.  And yes, as a sadist I do believe that while it is more about hurting the person at all than causing as much pain as I possibly can, trusting yourself to reign it all in again is difficult.

If I am playing as a middle, or a second bottom, I fully understand if I won't be getting hurt.  There is so much on the line for anyone that would be beating me to be able to calibrate between bottoms, that I will often step aside for the safety of play as a whole.  Because I hear how others go too hard on those they play with after me, and the after effects.  The last thing I want to see is a sadist swing at another bottom with the same force they do me, due to not adjusting, and have them get seriously hurt.

I'd blame myself.  For not speaking up, or stepping aside, or figuring out one of infinite safer options for all of us.

It's a big thing to understand on everyone's part, and something I have to put a lot of trust in someone over.

So, yes, I am a tank.  Made of steel, and given mutant healing.
And with great power, comes great responsibility.

Monday, April 07, 2014

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The good:
My brother dumped the cunt he was seeing!  We've only been trying to get them to break up for six of the seven years they've been together!  I get my brother back.  This is fantastic, because my brother is one of the only blood relatives I have who I really care about.

I had a bonfire over the weekend, and got to spend time with some good friends, and a few people I hadn't seen in a while.  There was lots of silliness, wiggling, drums, fire, cigars, and positive energy that I've needed lately.  Lux came by, and after spoiling him with good food, and lots of fire, we snugglefucked for hours, then got way less sleep than we should have.

I'm finally starting to make a bit of a dent in my project list, and it's seeming somewhat manageable.  Dance classes are starting soon, and the girls my mom works with all want chainmaille jewelry from me, which means everything is getting started.  It's just the kick I need to stay inspired.

The bad:
My parents are sort of making up their own stories again.  I'm just sort of letting them go with it, and not worrying about correcting them, because it doesn't work.  I'm going to do my own thing, and they can watch as I succeed with it.

My stress levels are kind of high lately, and it sucks.  I'll figure it out though.

The ugly:
My uncle came to visit, who decided to tell my parents I should give my daughter to the state because I had planned to join the military, and actually work toward being able to support her.  I had wanted to lock myself in my room and not see them at all, but he yelled for me until I came down, then lectured me about it, and tried to convince me to go into the navy.  Then I watched him talk down to my mother the entire time.  I didn't punch him, even though I wanted to.

I need to get out of the house soon, and do some adventuring.  Like a night away, or a day trip to clear my head.
I could also use a ton of snuggles, and a beating.
Soon I'll get all of this.  I just need to manage some patience.

Sunday, April 06, 2014

Inspired by Being Overrun

After so many posts about the workings of my brain lately, it's time for a real world update.

I've moved out of the apartment with Thrax.  I couldn't stand being there anymore, with him either ignoring me, being an ass, moments of being apologetic, and hearing how insecure his girl is.  I have moved back in with my parents (I know, I said I wouldn't) because three weeks of not talking to them was a reality check that they needed.

They're actually being encouraging, though my father is still fairly clueless about my life.  It's not something I'm surprised about, but so far they're being much better than they ever have been.

I'm also swamped with projects, be it sewing, drawing, crochet, or chain maille.  I love being able to hop between mediums, and stay inspired to work on all of it.  April is entirely devoted to getting through as much as possible, because I've got quite a few performances in May.

Being back here also lets me start teaching again.  I've got a few students, who I hope to have up to speed enough to perform a full improv set themselves by Lakewood in September.

It's gonna be fun!

I'm actually able to be social, and live the life I want here, as much as I was limited before.  Right now, it's fantastic.

I was even able to spend a few days up north with my family up there.  It's something I would have never been able to do before I had moved out, and it's a great change to actually have freedom while here.

I'll have something more fun in a few days, promise.

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Unexpected

I grew up with the normal over-protective parents.  Worried about the idea of their child having sex, and how responsibly they would go about it.

Well, I'm the youngest, with an older sister who is drastically more overweight than I am.  Between that, and my older brother threatening any boy that looked at her, she never even had a boyfriend until she was graduated from High School.

I was a nerd though.  Tiny, petite, and able to hold my own, I almost exclusively had male friends, and they were nearly all older than me.

So, my mother decided to pump into my head at a young age that boys only wanted to fuck me, and couldn't possibly be friends with me.  That sex outside of a relationship was bad, and that wanting sex as a female was wrong.

Well, yes, a lot of my male friends wound up wanting to fuck me.  I however, had no problem telling them I wasn't interested, and a good number of my male friends were just that.  They had no issue just being friends, and they're still important people in my life to this day.

When I did start fooling around with friends though, I was fairly picky.  Admittedly, I was in the stage where I was discovering that boys were actually interested in me, so I was making out with a few more boys than I should have, but I still never had a problem saying if I was uncomfortable, or didn't want to do something.

What I did discover though, was that while I may have not wanted to hook up with many of the people, the ones I would fool around with, I always wanted it with them.  To the point where I didn't even realize this was my sex drive speaking until I started dating one of my exes, who made my sex drive plummet to nothing.

And then after I had my daughter, it came back, and it hit like a brick.  While I still didn't want to fuck my ex, I wanted to fuck.  All the time.

Once I started not giving a shit about really acting on my own sexual desire, I found that I wanted to fool around and fuck more than my partners.  I thought about how my mother would talk about sexual desire like it was something only men felt, and to not romanticize sex was wrong.
I've never cared much about how she viewed things though.

So I giggled.
What would she think if she knew I had boys telling me they weren't in the mood, and that they couldn't fuck as much as I had wanted to, or as frequently.  That if I go more than a few days without getting laid, or some sort of fooling around, I get cranky.

At one point Thrax started making me feel like my sex drive was so high it was wrong.  Started making me feel like trying to even come close to attempting to meet my desire was an obligation and a chore.  Where he once had tried to argue with me that I couldn't possibly have a higher sex drive than he, it turned into him seeing me as a freak with how often I wanted to fuck.

Then there are the people who find out about this, and try to take advantage of it, thinking I'm an easy lay.
They couldn't be more wrong.
Yes, for the people I do decide to fuck, it might not seem like it takes much work, but I've made the decision myself, and nothing you do will change that.  I set a verdict based on things you wouldn't notice, or think to do or change about yourself, and it's the way it will always be.  I'm incredibly picky about my partners, more than most of them have even realized.
So I'll have my few partners, and fuck them senseless, and as constantly as I can, because it's fun, and I like it that way.

My desire for sex is higher than normal, and I fully admit to that.  While I'm not addicted to much, sex is definitely on the list for me.  I want to fuck, always.  Even when I'm enthralled with something else, and completely absorbed in one of my other loves, I could look over at one of my partners, or go to respond to a text, and the desire goes from the back of my mind to being a main focus.  Even when I've just finished fucking someone, I think about if they can just keep going.  If I can just continue fucking them, or slide their cock back in before they go completely soft.

Hell, I've climbed atop partners and started fucking them, given blowjobs, and handjobs all while still asleep.   It's not an uncommon thing for me, and something most of my partners haven't seemed to complain about.

I don't see any of this as a bad thing.  I'm not desperate, and I'm incredibly responsible and careful about who I fuck, and how.  I see sex as something fun to have with people I trust, and feel comfortable with.  So long as they share the same view, there isn't much issue to be had so long as we can go about it like adults.

Cute butts help too.