Thursday, May 29, 2014

For what Purpose

It is no surprise shortly after meeting me to know that I love body modification.  I'm probably addicted to it in all honesty, and I have an incredibly long list of things I want to have done.  It's a mix of self expression, beauty, and each one is a new experience.

I'm not quite sure why I love any of it so much though.  I mean, there's so many things to consider, but I just don't know what makes me crave it so badly, itch for it, and want to get them so constantly.

Sure, there's the art.  Turning one's body into canvas is fantastic, and I love seeing someone express exactly who they are, and show that on the outside, becoming who they truly feel themselves to be.  It's absolutely beautiful, and I love knowing that I am a walking work of art with how different I am from the rest of society.

And then there is the pain.  How every piercing, and tattoo feel so different, and how amazing it feels to get them done.  I'm an endorphin addict, and the pain instilled from getting modified isn't something you get from anything else.  It all just feels so good.

I even love being covered in hidden bruises, scratches and marks when I play.  Something to remind me of the sensation, and view the beating I received as a work of art as well.  I love the sore feeling after play, and even while healing a new piece.

Modification is like the gift that keeps on giving.  Even my technically temporary ones I have for their beauty, and see them all as permanent artistic additions to my body that I can enjoy.

I'll probably never figure out what makes me more addicted to them, but I do know that I enjoy every bit of every single one of my modifications, from getting it done, to seeing it years later.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Security Blanket

I've learned recently exactly how much people enjoy and expect simplicity and routine.  Or more accurately that I've been reminded of it again.  How people see one thing, and have no idea how to process if it isn't precisely what they expect.

Throughout my life I've always just enjoyed having fantastic people in my life.  People who fall into whatever role they do, even if it is just an important person.  In fact, it seems that the closer I get to a person, the less likely I am to be able to have a title for them.  They leave the category of being a friend, and whether there is a romantic interest or not, they wind up having a place in my life all their own.

See, I rarely actually give a shit about a person, and when I do, they become so much more to me than my friends, and I appreciate them having a spot in my life at all.  I don't look to attach a title, or a role to what they are to me, just because that seems limiting of everything they are to me.

The more I add to an explanation of what you are to me, the more you mean.  It means you can't simply be a friend, or a fuckbuddy, or even sometimes a boyfriend.  It means that I, as someone who loves words and the art they create, cannot describe what you are to me, and the fantastic place you've managed to make in my life.

And this in public confuses people to no end, I have found.

So many out there are just unable to wrap their heads around having a connection with someone, but not having an official relationship with a title and all the things that come with it.  People who are open, or poly, or a myriad of other things, just don't get that I can snuggle, and kiss, and hold hands with someone, having obvious chemistry, and not be dating them.  And then of course they ask how long we've been together, and when I say we're not, I watch their brain break.  As if a person is obligated to have a serious relationship if chemistry exists.

And that's bullshit.  If how two people are makes them happy, then that's how it should be.  If they decide they want to add more "significance" to the relationship they have, then that's wonderful, so long as it is what makes them happy.  They should not however, feel like it needs to happen, or seem like it's forced between them.

I often wind up making a title that will replace someone's name, and that will show to other people how much they mean to me.  My best friend became my kitty, Thrax became my titan, I have my zero, my dru, and my shadow.  If you lose your name with me, it means you've made a serious impact on my life, and it's my way of showing how much I feel for you, without putting a common title on it, that would make other people see a specific relationship.

Everyone in my life has their own space.  If they don't find one, they fall away.  If they do however, it so very rarely is something I can easily explain.  I don't want to limit it to common title, but I want us to have what makes us happy, because that is what's important.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

In the Spotlight

I am very much the kind of person that enjoys physical contact with others.  Lots of little touches, and snuggles that make me content, and show how much I appreciate the other person.

The thing is, contact with most people is weird for me.  It makes me twitch, twinge, and recoil.  There's only a few select people I enjoy being touched by, and most of them I've dated.

Of the ones I haven't dated, most of them I would only snuggle with when we hung out alone.  Either one of us wasn't comfortable with the idea of showing any affection in public, or it simply wasn't the way we worked.

There have really only been a couple people I've ever been snuggly with in public, even counting boyfriends.  Maybe a handful of people have ever been comfortable with me kissing them in front of anyone.  I'm not quite sure how it's worked that way, but it's usually never something I've asked of them, and on occasion, it would get to me.

My dysmorphia is one of several fun issues I have that makes me feel like I'm undesirable.  Having someone actually want to touch and be affectionate with me helps make that go away, and in public even more.  I have no issue with touching, snuggling, kissing, and more in front of others.  If they won't react poorly to seeing it, then nothing will stop me from doing what I want.

While I'm not one to really follow a lot of zodiac driven personality traits, I can absolutely agree that as a Leo, I love showing off.  If there is a willing audience, and my partner is cool with it, I have no problem fooling around in front of others, and giving them a show.

I've realized, that now having someone who is fond of the idea of showing off in front of others, I enjoy having the option to just be blatant about how attracted we are to each other.  Being able to just touch, kiss, and be adorable, or having the option to obvious be grinding on one another, and do exactly what I want to, is incredibly comforting, and instills significantly more self-confidence than I have normally.

This last weekend was actually incredibly good for me, with the exception of a few small things.  I learned a lot about myself, found a lot of confidence I hadn't had before, and learned exactly how fantastic certain people are to me.

They may say I'm too good to them, but just a few things about last weekend proved to me that it could never be true.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Being Primal

While I most easily describe myself as a switch, when a ton of new orientations were available as options on Fetlife, I found primal, and swapped out to that one, keeping it ever since.

A lot of people don't think it fits, and well, they aren't the people I fuck, or play with, because they obviously don't know me.

No, I don't look to build a pack of playmates.  I don't associate myself as an animal, or participate in animal play.  I am a civilized human, who happens to listen to, and satiate the primal, feral thoughts in my head.

If you've ever seen me stare into a fire, you've gotten the slightest idea of it.  How I will look in, losing myself with the energy it puts off, but finding peace in the way the flames dance.

If you've watched me run through the woods, moving as if I've lived there my entire life.  Flying through the trees, with a smile on my face, just from feeling the wind in my hair, my fingertips along the trees, and listening to the leaves under my feet.  Then to sit in the shade of a tree, and breathe in the world, completely free.

If you've seen me angry.  When my shoulders roll back, and sit broader.  My hands curl as though I'm ready to tear someone apart, and I look as though I'm not picky about the target.

If you've seen me cut someone open, and feed upon their blood.  Where it begins with the slightest lick, and then I bite down, drinking every bit I can get, and wrenching my neck as a predator would to tear apart it's prey.

Even my switching is primal.  I generally fall into an alpha role in a group of people, and I need someone who also can, and isn't afraid to both stand by me, while knowing how to take charge of me when necessary if they want me to submit in the slightest.  I need a strong and confident beta, or an alpha that is comfortable not being in the driver's seat for me to want to be dominant with them.
I can smell the fake alphas out there.  The ones just looking for attention, or wanting to find the weak minded to control, because they're easy.  I can't be bothered by them, and see them more as prey in a game than anything else.

The protectiveness I have over my close friends, and found family is absolutely an example.  I get incredibly territorial over people that get close to me, without the peeing on them to mark them as mine anyway.  I will fight to the death for them, no matter what it's for.  I do as much as I can for them, because they are the people I choose to hold closest, and so I want them to know how much I appreciate them, and take care of them as a part of my family.

Also, the way I chew on things when I like them.  When I get a gift I love, I will often gnaw on it for a while, or when I'm particularly content while curled up with someone, I will lean over and bite down on them for a while, just to show how happy they make me.

Looks can be deceiving.  I may not act like an animal, but for those who stick around, and know me, can tell that there is something more beneath the surface.  And that's why they stick around.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

A Social Vampire

I do enjoy time by myself.  Time to work, and parse through my thoughts.  To clean, and cook, and bake, and let my creative process start putting a project together.  I love to read, and listen to whatever I can at the same time, trying to keep my mind as stimulated as possible, and absorb as much as I can.

The easiest way to explain my spiritual beliefs is by saying I'm Pagan.  I practice Magick, and believe in the old Gods.  I however, do not take my energy from them, but from all the living things in the world.  I borrow a little of the excess put off by everything around me, and work with that.

I swear, this is relevant with where I'm going.

Now, when I'm spending my time alone, I start to get tired around 2200.  I usually spend the last hour or so before bed putting together anything I need for the next day, cleaning up my things that got taken out, showering, and finally passing out.

If I'm spending time with a friend or two, I usually have energy being thrown at me, and I know how to take it in, without feeding off of anything extra, to tire out the people I am with too quickly.  This can usually keep me going until about 0100, when I notice they've run out of excess for me to keep myself awake with.  It gives me the chance to spend more time with them, and allows me to focus better than how I normally can by myself, when I need to be stimulated by so many things at once.

When I'm with a small group, I can stay up a bit longer, and I notice I become a bit more extroverted, being able to take control or sway the group a certain way if I want to.  It's interesting, and I often have a lot of fun with it.

Then there are conventions, and faires.  I often find myself feeling over energized while at big events, and don't know what to do with everything in my system.  I don't get hungry usually, and find myself looking like an ADD ridden ferret, jumping from one thing to the next, and my mind on overdrive.  I don't get tired until I leave, no matter how much running around, dancing, and partying I've been doing.

The unfortunate part of this, is that while I don't quite get con-drop, I go back to how I would be by myself, even if I'm with someone else.  This makes leaving somewhere at 0200 a very not fun thing, because I don't like sleeping in cars.  I will often try to make myself stay up, and so long as I can get a decent amount of sleep once I get home, I can walk away from the time I spent out mostly unscathed.

Social situations are like this insane battery for me, but I will always prefer having just one person to focus on, even if we're at one of these events together.  One person to run around with, and make mischief with all the extra energy I have.  

I want to steal energy from everything, then have a partner in crime to take advantage of it all.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

One Among Many

It's very uncommon for me to find one partner that can keep up with how much sex I actually want.  Most of them can last long enough for me to really start getting turned on, and then can't go another round, or they simply don't want to fuck as often as I want to.

And that's cool, really.

The simple solution to this is just having more than one partner, but here's the catch; I generally don't want to play with more than one person at a time.

I've never been one of the people that fantasized about threesomes, or orgies.  When they finally started happening in my late teens, I found that they were usually just not my thing.

The easiest reason to explain is that I'm straight.  I don't want to do anything sexual with another female, and if the male partner I'm with is also straight, chances are he's going to want another girl there, and he'll probably be dumb and want me on the other girl.  It was the case in my first few threesomes.  There's also a good chance that someone is going to get the wrong idea from it happening, and likely cause drama because of it.

If I manage to have two guys there, unless they're both bi, there's usually an awkward vibe, even though I would never want them to do anything they weren't into.  Even then, it becomes a dick measuring contest, of trying to out-man the other, and prove they're the better partner.  While this can be adorable, insecurity is not sexy, and it isn't something I need to deal with while I just want to have fun.

Then there's how my own mind works.  I know how I like to play, and I tend to focus on one person until they're entirely worn out.  I love knowing they're completely spent and sated.  If there are multiple people, I worry I'll be too focused on one, and the other will feel left out.  I'd much rather leave one partner exhausted, take some time to clean up, and move on to another with every intention of doing the same to them.  No one feels ignored, and starts with me freshened up and knowing I'm not going to wear out early on them.

I know there's a ton of fun things to do when there's extra people involved, and if everyone there can agree to respect each other and have fun, then I'm more than happy to join in.  In the meantime though, give me a line of menfolk to tear up and wear out one at a time, and they can try to do the same to me.

Thursday, May 08, 2014

Wise Decisions

A bit of a warning, this will be a rambling coredump of thoughts, and might take a bit of reading over to process completely.

A year ago I was not me.

I had no confidence in myself, no inspiration, and felt like the biggest failure in the world.  I was in an absolute rut that I had no idea how to get out of, and I hated it.  To top it off, I was in a relationship that had me feeling lower and lower all the time, like I was being used, and just a convenient afterthought.

Ten months ago Thrax dumped me over the phone, not listening to a word I said, and giving his usually myriad of excuses through the thing.  I could tell he just couldn't remember his stories, and while I was torn apart, and needed some kind of static aspect to my life as I made the decision to change everything else, this couldn't have been better for me.

I remember hating the idea of it.  Fighting it being the truth, even though I knew all the bullshit I had been through.  Having crying fits, and hiding them, while watching the fact that Thrax had dumped me to be with the girl who was manipulating him for a change.

And finally, I made the decision that I had to stay single for a while.  That with all the change, I needed to take time for myself.  To get my head straight, and figure myself out.  Then the plans to leave made a relationship seem unfair to anyone I would get into one with.  I hate the idea of distance, and all the issues it can cause.

Then my mind cleared up, and I stopped thinking of what Thrax and I could have been.  I stopped worrying about all the shit he'd done to me, and letting it drag me down.  I simply thought of it all as something to learn from.  I found myself happier by being able to just be me.  I found myself again, and all the mischief I love, and inspiration to create.

It's now ten months later, and even though I'm now feeling like I'm free of the burden he put on my mind, I'm still not actively looking to be attached.

And you know what?  That feels amazing.

I'm feeling more comfortable in my skin than I have in years, my dysmorphia is quieted to a whisper instead of screaming in my ear, and even if my life isn't where I want it to be, I'm not feeling like a failure.  I'm feeling motivated, and back to the strong, determined woman I know I am.

And yes, I will fully admit that I rebounded off a friend.  He was someone I could trust, and is a fantastic man that was someone who I needed in my life to give a shit about me.  However, we would so have killed each other had we actually made anything of it, and I wouldn't have taken the much needed time to myself.  He now has a fantastic girl, and I honestly wish them the best.

I still look at Thrax and wonder when he will wake up about all the stupid decisions he's making.  They're his decisions to make though, and I don't know if he'll ever accept that he is not the person he makes himself out to be.  Oh well, it is no longer my problem, and I've realized there is no use in letting him drag me down to be less than what I am now.

I've got some amazing people helping me.  Lux has managed to keep me inspired, and push all the negativity so far from my mind that I don't know how I would have gotten through the last few months and come out so clear minded as I am now.  He is simply amazing, and I am so grateful for having him in my life at all, let alone the space he's managed to make for himself in my life.

My found family has been fantastic in letting me escape, and remember who I am.  That I am loved no matter what decision I make regarding anything, and they will always be right beside me.  They give me sanctuary, while they may not cause trouble with me, encourage my adventures.

I don't know how I lost myself so badly, but now that I've managed to find me again, I don't want to ever let myself get so misplaced and forgotten.

Sunday, May 04, 2014

Ebb And Flow

I'm into a lot.  It's generally easier to talk about my limits or what I'm not into than explain everything I do enjoy.

However, I'm not always craving all of it, and I expect no partner to dig everything that I do.  It's part of what makes each of us fun, and a new experience with all the things we can do together, with however many partners.

There are of course, things I do always want.  Things that no matter who I'm with, I look forward to.  I want force.  No matter what role I happen to be in at the time.  I want that unbridled desire, that puts us both into a feral display of lust.  It's something I need in order to enjoy any sort of play or sex.

However, cravings for pain, bondage, blood, power exchange, and any number of other things can come and go with my mood, and especially my partners.  When I know what fun I can have with someone, what they enjoy, and what we dig the most with one another, my tastes will change to want that more.

It's terribly convenient, isn't it?

It's a bit of how my switching works.  When I've got one partner that makes me feel one way, and we have fun doing it, I'll want to do it more.  What I do with them works, and if it gets us both off, I'll crave it that much more.

And yes, sometimes when I'm enjoying constant power exchange, I'll want a bit more pain.  I've written about stagnation here, and this is a part of that.  There's so much for myself and even that same partner or two to enjoy, that there is no reason not to want something a little different once in a while, but it will still usually fall in line with what we've done before, or what I know the other person enjoys.

Sometimes I notice that some kinks I have get put aside completely while I'm only with one partner.  They can go from a main craving, to not getting more than a passing thought.

It is amazing how our minds can work, and how we can fall in line with partners that's we enjoy.

Thursday, May 01, 2014

Evolution of Pain

My love of pain and body modification goes pretty far back.  I remember being rather young, and being told that tattoos hurt, and the process, and not caring, and thinking about the ones I would get in the future, and already considering my body canvas.

I remember doing martial arts, and taking extra pain, sitting in submission holds until the time ran out, because I knew I would win anyway.

And yet, there are things I cannot do, or see.

When I get pierced, I cannot watch the needle enter my skin.  I'm not nervous, I just for some reason don't want to see something going through my skin.  Once it is through, I can look down at the needle without issue, and don't jump at the point of piercing.

At a more extreme point, is hook suspension.  Massive sharp pieces of metal, penetrating flesh, then being hooked to chains, and pulling one's body from the earth.

I used to not be able to even look at it.  From flesh hooks to flight, I couldn't see, or panic internally.

Seeing the flesh pulled so far from the body, the size of the hooks, and a person dangling there just squicked me beyond anything.  I had the irrational fear that the hooks would rip the flesh, and the person would fall to the ground, muscles useless, and the unimaginable pain that would follow.

And then time passed, and I got so many of the mods I wanted, and learned how they felt, and got addicted to them.

My pain tolerance heightened further, and I learned how much I can take, and how much more it is than most people.

And I learned what the human body is really capable of.

Then I looked at a suspension.

I wasn't afraid.

There was no panic.

I was intrigued.

I looked at the hooks, and the flesh.  How it pulled, and saw the joy on their face as they flew through the air.

Suddenly, I went from not wanting to look at it, to craving it being done to myself.

Yes, it's a serious thing, but it seems like such an intense experience.  I would be floating along on adrenaline and endorphins long before I'd leave the ground, and then it would just be surreal.  The sharp pain of feeling hooks through flesh, turning warm as I got comfortable with them in my body.  The weight of chains, and then letting myself leave the ground.  It's apparently something so otherworldly and orgasmic, and I can't imagine why I never wanted it to happen.

I don't even know if it ever will.

Who would see it happen to me, and be there to take care of me as I'm taken off the hooks in a complete high?  Who would be able to watch without panicking themselves?  Would I actually be able to follow through?

But oh, how I want it to happen.  To learn what every bit of it feels like, from cold hooks on flesh, to sore muscles from the pulling.

I want to fly.