Thursday, July 31, 2014

Actual Updates!

I've managed to get to the end of all my pre-typed, and scheduled posts, hooray!

This last weekend, I spent with Lux at his place.  We both went into it with the intention of violence, snuggles, productivity, and obscene amounts of sex.  He however, was under a ton of stress with everything going on in the next couple weeks, that it turned into more just productivity, some sex, and a lot of snuggling.

To be honest though, I enjoyed it all the same.  It was a fantastic escape right after my birthday, and I got to help him get through a lot of things he needed to do.  We'll find time to get around to the violence soon, as it's much more a case of needing to get free time, rather than finding the desire at this point.  He gave me some wonderful gifts (some of which I unfortunately already had, but oh well, he can enjoy them himself) and I saw the chain piece he is making for me, which while still in progress looks gorgeous, and I can't wait to see it finished.  I helped him to figure out how to get through his current personal chain project faster, which has apparently made it much easier for him.

I do love when I can help teach others how to do things more easily.  Sure, it feeds into how much I enjoy doing things for others, but I really love getting to see them shine, grow, and love what they do.

Unfortunately, this coming weekend has completely fallen apart on me due to the gnome.  He's pulling some seriously dick moves, and it's got me pissed.  He's been pulling as much as he can to try and fuck me over lately, and it's just bullshit.  Such a wonderful thing to come home to after a calm weekend.

I find myself craving play time lately.  I want power exchange, violence, and force that ends in giggly snugglefucks, then enjoying a cup of coffee together, and a cigar while curled up outside.
I want power exchange that goes outside of playtime.  Someone who trusts me enough to decide what is best, and kneels at a look, or being able to sit at someone's feet, resting my head against their leg while I read, and feeling them run their fingers through my hair.  I miss that regular exchange, and find myself wanting someone who is proud to whisper their dominance over me at random times while we hug, or not afraid to openly show that they belong to me.

I'm not sure if it's the emotional connection attached to that I'm craving, or simply the steadiness of it.  Either way, it's apparently something I am needing lately.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Brain Blocks

I don't really have terribly many limits.  Of course there are the standard ones that most people have, things like kids, animals, and serious permanent damage.  I find that my limits tend to be a bit off from most others though.  I can take a downright serious amount of pain and force compared to the vast majority of people, don't mind things like cutting, or blood, or being bound for long amounts of time.  In fact, I love all of those things.

So, I thought I would explain why I have the limits I do have, because they tend to be a bit surprising considering all the things I do enjoy.

Pinching- I can take thuddy pain for a good while, and if you keep moving around and giving areas a rest, I can go even longer.  Stingy pain I can take, but not for anywhere near as long, but pinching seriously fucks me up.  I once had someone punching, grabbing, slapping and tearing at me for over an hour and felt nowhere near my limit, then they put a handful of plastic clothespins on me and I was thrashing around to get them off because I couldn't stand it.  That small surface area being affected is just not something I can adjust to.

Feet- I know where my feet have been.  Most of the time, I walk around barefoot (or without feet according to some).  My feet get dirty, and even though I clean them in the shower, they are covered in callus from dancing, and just aren't pretty.  When I do put my boots on, I feel like they are basically sitting in a hot house with nowhere for the yuck to escape until the shoes come off.  I see all other feet as being the same, and so I don't want to come into contact with them unless absolutely necessary.  Likewise, I don't want other people touching mine, because I feel like the scuz will rub off.  I know it's all in my head, but damnit, footcooties.

Ageplay/Petplay/etc. - I have a lot of random issues with body image, and my own self-confidence.  I find these areas of play to be so far from who I am, that I would be stepping completely out of myself, and into someone else.  If I'm going to play with someone, I want them to desire me for me, and not what I can pretend to be.  When I'm playing the role of something or someone else, I stop feeling like I'm the one who is actually wanted to be there, and it absolutely kills any confidence I have.  Obviously power exchange is an exception, because I'm still expected to be me, just with a more elaborate level of control involved.

Bodily Fluids - With the exception of blood (don't ask me why that one of all of them), I have a serious problem with anything that comes out of a being.  Cum never quite feels like it scrubs off, and sweat has a weird drying feeling on my skin, and anything else just squicks me at the slightest thought of exposure.  Yes, that's right, even saliva.  In fact, especially saliva.  Sloppy make-out sessions will make me want to run and scrub it off, and despite the fact that I love sucking cock, the amount of spit on it will sometimes make me flail.  Yes, in a real physical sense.  Thrax used to threaten to lick me as a form of punishment, because I hate saliva that much.

Assplay - So, on top of my dislike for anything that comes from the human body, I have attempted some elements of ass play before.  Yes, I was turned on.  Yes, I was relaxed.  And yes, it was with someone I absolutely trusted.  I didn't enjoy it, it wasn't something I would adjust to, and I doubt I'd ever find someone who could create a better environment for me to have a more pleasant experience with it again in the future, given how things were in the past.

Sex with girls - I've talked about this already, but plenty of boys out there seem to want to push for it anyway.  The idea of being made to fuck another girl, or do anything sexual with them enrages me.  To the point where my mind blanks out, and it makes me see red.  I would never have desire to do it on my own, so it is something that is purely the arrogance and greed of the other party, with total disregard of my part.  And being forced into that is totally the way to make me want anything to do with you.

OTK/Being called a girl - This one crosses over into the world of not just involved with sex and play.  I've always spent time with people older than me.  My brother is eight years older, and my sister is seven years older than me.  I grew up spending time with my brother and his friends, and when I started going out, and finding my own circles, they were always dramatically older than me.  I was the youngest of any group, but kept up with them for the most part on an intellectual level and as far as maturity went.  It goes without saying though, that we'd have disagreements because I simply didn't have the life experience that they did, and so the way everyone would fight back and put me down was saying I was "Just a girl," or "Just a child," and it is still to this day one of the easiest ways to get me to start swinging.  Being bent over someone's knee has that vibe of treating someone like a child, and even more than the very occasional "Good girl" will get me ready to lay down some hurt in a very not sexy way.

And that's honestly it as far as my hard limits go.
So long as those things that be respected, I'm all about finding lots of fun and mischief to be had in all sorts of sexy ways.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Weird Things That Make me Feel Weird Pt 4

I'm realizing, that I have quite a few of these posts at this point.  Oh well, bring on the weird!

So, this is less "normal" of a thing, but something that I find surprises everyone that I mention it to.  To the point where I have been told to judge actions not on my own opinion, but on something else entirely, dependent on this.  I still don't understand why, and I likely never will, but that is beside the point.

I have mentioned here before that I could easily be classified as a nymphomaniac on some area of the spectrum.  While I'm not constantly looking for someone who would fit the bill of a willing partner, I do constantly want to fuck, or fool around with the people I do enjoy as a partner.

What I don't crave though?
I honestly never crave cumming, or orgasm.

I find so much enjoyment from just the interactions with a fun partner.  Hearing their breathing changes, and the sounds they make, feeling their skin against mine, and grasping at their body.  Being able to feel their hands on me, and all the other sensations involved in sexytime is something I never want to stop enjoying.  It all creates such an endorphin rush for me just on the sensory overload that I don't even consider whether or not I cum into the equation.

A good reason for this is that for the longest time I was simply anorgasmic.  That's right, up until I was about twenty-two, I hadn't cum a single time.  And to be honest, I had no issue with it.  I felt no need to, or any desire to change it.  There was enough fun to be had otherwise that I saw no reason for it.

When my partners would ask about it, I would pose the question of "If you do not cum with someone, is the sex a failure?" and found the answers to usually be that they did feel that way.  While I know I often do not feel the same way most people do about things, I simply could not believe that so many people could not enjoy everything else that occurred during sex if they didn't blow their load in the process.

Thrax would ask me if I had enjoyed the sex we would have, and I would answer honestly.  I would soon after while chatting mention that I hadn't cum for a few months, and he would get upset, saying that I had affirmed the sex we'd have.  Apparently if I didn't cum, I had to tell him that I didn't enjoy the sexytime, regardless of my own opinion.

The reality of any of this still surprises me.  Even when I have the most painful of girlboners, I crave the contact, and everything that goes along with the act itself.  To be perfectly honest, my own orgasm is never even a thought.

I don't know how odd this makes me, or how uncommon this actually is.

And yes, I know I've mentioned in the past that I am able to make myself cum purely by thought.  This is entirely true, but something that I taught myself almost on a whim.  It is something I rarely exercise, and very seldom see the need to do.  I know most people would kill for this ability, but it's something that I will simply need to attribute to being able to fall so deeply into my thoughts sometimes, and wrap myself around so many at once.  I doubt it will ever become something I take advantage of often, and is more of a skill I find the occasional amusement in.

You would think, that being free of the need to cum, you would learn to appreciate the sensations each partner distills in you that much more.  And at the same time, your partner would be free to relax at the fact that they do not need to make you cum (but still should strive to, because a lazy partner is still an asshole).

Perhaps this is some weird abnormality of mine, but it gives me a new enjoyment of sex that most people apparently don't grasp, and I'm perfectly happy with that.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Green Light

So, I thought I would go about something completely different than what I've been writing about lately, and just enjoy thinking about the things that turn me on.

A post about being entirely shallow, and listing off things that will drop the panties I don't even wear.

I'm just going to be listing off a lot of these, but some might get a bit of explanation, or be expanded upon.

Men in suits.  Well fitted ones, and the knowledge of how to wear it.

Dress shirts, with the sleeves rolled up.  Makes it look like a man can be ready to get his hands dirty while still looking sharp.

Men in just jeans and no shirt.  Preferably while doing some sort of manly labor, like chopping firewood.  So I can perv over visible muscle tone.

My favorite body parts on a guy are definitely the back, shoulders, and arms.  Dear sweet gods if a man has a nice back I will chain him down somewhere and not let him go until I've raped him nearly dead.

A man's gotta be at least a foot taller than me and have a hundred pounds on me to even get my attention.  Any smaller and I'm constantly afraid I'll snap you in half like a twig.

Dimples, cause dimples.

Voices.  I have crushes on just the voices of a few people.  If you turn on something with them talking, you can practically watch me soak my jeans.  It's bad.

Intelligence.  If I cannot discuss random theories, play with odd ideas, and have in depth conversation with you, you won't keep my attention for more than a moment.  If you inspire me to learn more (and I always have an itch to learn normally) It instantly makes you about a thousand times sexier.

Tattoos.  Self expression, and a love of art is just hot.

Making mischief, and not drama means we can be partners in crime, then fuck on the sidelines after watching the explosions.

Armour.  Because if you're in it, I assume you can take a beating, and well, that's important.

Assertiveness.  This is one of the sexiest qualities a man can have, and something I absolutely need in a mate, no matter what side of the exchange they're on.  A submissive who isn't afraid to put their desires out there or state what they need lets me know they trust me, and then the ball is in my court of whether or not to fulfill their request, and a dominant who will simply take what they want, or tell me what is going to happen without worrying about crossing lines will absolutely keep me from trying to pull shit and just not bothering to submit.

Honesty.  I am honest to a fault, and don't hide anything.  A man who can do that with me without being in a relationship first earns my trust, and that means being able to have so much more naked funtimes.

Adventurousness.  If you are willing to try new things with me, and learn, and experience, I will show you as much as I can, and then we'll adventure together, and that's about as intimate as it gets.

Nerds are hot.

So, yea.  If you can manage all of that, I'm pretty sure you'd manage to make me cum without even getting my clothes off.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Weird Things That Make me Feel Weird Pt 3

Back to this series of thoughts that seems to be coming up a lot recently, I feel like I need to expand on something I just touched on in one of my past posts.

And it's something that honestly makes me feel in the minority of all the people I talk to and my circles of friends.  It has a lot of confusion surrounding it, so I'll try to explain it all as best I can.

I am absolutely mono-amorous.  And yes, I need to specify it that way.

Because I'm poly-sexual.

Now, what the fuck does all that mean?  Why can't I just say I'm monogamous?
Well, because I'm not.

One of the biggest things Thrax had an issue with was the fact that I simply wasn't poly-amorous.  He would argue with me that it was the "natural" state of being, and that all people were, but were too pressed by society to attempt it.

Well, you know, if I was so worried about society, I wouldn't have a mohawk, or genital piercings, or tattoos, or love being beaten, and tearing apart other people.  I'm pretty sure I give no fucks about what society thinks of me.

However, he pushed, and pressed, and forced, like his attempts at getting me to fuck a girl.
And he simply wasn't going to change how I'm wired.

So, what I mean by mono-amoury is that I am only capable of having a romantic attachment to one person at a time.  Once I catch the feels for one person, that's it, until they either disappear for a long time, or they fuck up hardcore.  In some ways, this makes my life easier, and in others, it has made things more difficult.

I am constantly surrounded by people who are dating more than one person at once.  Each group has their own dynamic that works for them, and they try to balance it as well as they can.  Some see it more as a support structure to make a happy security net of people, and others use it as a way to keep plenty of partners in rotation so none of them ever lose their luster with age.  It's an amazing thing when I see it done well, and I'm always impressed by those with the ability to love more than one person, and manage to balance it all.

And then there I am, having to explain to people that just because I enjoy having an open dynamic that gives me the opportunity to hook up with others, I'm just not the kind of person that can have an emotional connection with anyone other than one person at a time.  It's a pain in the ass to be constantly telling people, and even more difficult for most of my significant others to understand.

Yes, I can enjoy playing with that person.
Yes, I can enjoy fucking them.
But you know what?  Whoever I have the feels for has no worry of it ever being anything more, unless they destroy what they have.

And yes, sometimes this is horrifically inconvenient.  Sometimes I get feels for people who I could never date, or people who I would never risk to destroy the friendship we have, and I'm usually pretty good at not letting my feels get in the way of that.

But no matter what, if it actually goes from being simple feels, to being in love, it's an amazing, complete and fantastic feeling to experience and share with someone.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Black and Blue

I see pictures all over the fet, and blogs almost constantly of the bruises people are proud of from their scenes.  These can vary from a few popped vessels, to a solid purple patch the size of my hand.

And, to be honest, I question all of it.  I'm never sure if it's due to the fact that they bruise easily, or what their pain tolerance is, or what makes them mark up the way they do.  I personally don't mark up terribly easily on most of my person, unless you're using enough force to actually hurt me, which makes things convenient, and helps me not look like I'm in a constant state of fending off attempted murder.

So, I looked it all up.  I researched what makes some people bruise more easily than others, and why certain body parts are likely to bruise with little effort compared to others.

You know, for SCIENCE!
Because I would never use this information to my own advantage.

Now, what a bruise is exactly, is damaged capillary vessels under the skin, which leak blood, as well as trauma to the tissue underneath.  the blood is what gives the bruise its dark color in the beginning, and as the blood moves and dissipates back into the body, the damaged tissue provides the yellowish tone as it finishes healing.  While it's bright red, and raised, it is actually more blood being called to the area to help clot it off and keep the blood from flowing, which would make a larger bruise.

First off, Everything I read stated that women bruise more easily than men.  I've got a few ideas as to why this is, and they'll be included in what I've found.

One of the biggest things that contributes to someone's ability to bruise, is the thickness of their blood vessels.  Thicker vessels can take more of a pounding, because they're harder to damage enough to perforate.  Unfortunately, this is a hereditary trait, and nothing can be done to help with this.

Your blood's ability to clot also helps prevent bruising.  Hemophiliacs, and those on blood thinners will bruise more easily than those who have blood that clots quickly, because less blood will escape the vessels when they are damaged.

Good circulation also helps fight bruising.  Poor circulation, like that of a diabetic, makes clotting slow down because less blood cells can make it to the damage in the vessel to clot it up.  The poor circulation also keeps the blood that has made it out of the vessel to stay around longer, because there is less movement in tissue around it to force it all to spread around and disperse.

Deficiency in vitamins B12, C, and K also cause bruising to occur with less force necessary, so diet can make someone mark up differently.

Now, for more noticeable things.

Thinner people are more prone to bruising.  They don't have the fatty tissue to protect the vessels, and lessen a blow.  This is why everyone winds up with a bruise when they knock their shin on something, or why my chest seems to bruise faster than any other part of my person.

Obese people also bruise easily, because the fatty tissue is likely to stretch the skin more, making it more easily damaged, as it is already under some stress.  This is why we often see pictures up of women with large breasts, bruised to a deep purple, because not only is it an area with a lot of blood vessels (the closer to the chest, the more vessels there are) but the skin is stretched due to the amount of fatty tissue in each breast.  There's also the fact that most overweight people tend to be more sedentary, which leads to poor circulation, but I'll leave that out of it.

So, I'm going to guess that women tend to bruise more easily because so many strive to be as thin as possible that they don't have enough fatty tissue to actually protect themselves.  As well, breasts, bum, and hips tend to carry the most fat, and sets the strain which makes the skin more easily damaged.  Men tend to have a more uniform amount of fat or muscle all around, which makes them more difficult to mark up.  They also are more likely to have a high activity job, which promotes good circulation.  This is all a guess on my research though, but it makes enough sense to me.

One thing that I wasn't surprised about, was that skin tone has nothing to do with it.  Those with a pasty white complexion don't bruise more easily, but more noticeably.  It is simply easier to see a change in tone due to the trauma, as compared to someone with darker skin.  The darker the skin, the more difficult it is to see a change in shade from the blood under the skin tissue.

Well, now that I know all of this, I kind of want to play with the knowledge I've gained a bit.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Uncommon Affection

So, yes, I'm the kind of person that enjoys a lot of snuggles with certain people. There are only a few people I actually enjoy having contact with, so when I find one, I tend to be very touchy-feely with them.

However, this is just me simply keeping myself normalized with contact, and isn't really a way of saying how I feel.  It keeps me calm, and has its own purposes, besides showing affection.

If that's the case, how can I possibly show I care about someone when more traditional affection serves a different function?  Well, I just show it a little differently.

Big surprise, I'm different!

I will remember details if I care about you.  Favorite flavors, candies and foods, or your clothing sizes, or any odd preferences you have.  I store them all, and remember them for whenever I might need to pull them out for anything as small as fixing your coffee for you, to being able to order for someone if they are running late, or need to make a phone call.  I can pick up last minute clothing without issues, and remember the right little surprises when you've had a bad day.  I pick up everything that gets mentioned, and it takes me forever to forget it.

I am seriously over-protective and territorial.  Seeing something upset you, or someone wronging you at all can send me into a full on blood rage.  I have become violent in the defense of loved ones, and protect them more than I do myself.  Mind you, they're free to do whatever they wish, and I honestly don't really feel any jealousy or competition with other people, but the minute they make an issue with the person I care about, they had better hope I never find them.  I already fear for the first person that breaks my daughter's heart.

You'll probably lose your name.  Instead of giving people titles, they wind up finding a new name that only I tend to call them.  Sometimes this takes a while to find, but once one sticks, that's it.  It's a form of affection for me, as so many people have their own things that they call me that so few other people do.

I nom on things I like.  Seriously.  If someone gives me a gift I like, it often goes right into my face.  If I nom on it further, it's like more affection.  This in public confuses the fuck out of others, unless they know what it means, because I will often lean over and just start chewing on someone I care about.  To be honest, I'm not sure where this came from, but it's not something that's ever been complained about, and I have no intention of changing it.

So yea, I will snuggle, and hug, but at the end of the day, it doesn't show much as far as actual affection goes.  Then you need to look for the weird things, and understand all the meaning behind them.

Sunday, July 06, 2014

Weird Things that Make me Feel Weird Pt 2

Continuing on the idea of the last post, I'm going to talk about something else that probably fits the preferred option for society, that makes me feel more odd given the world I live in.

Even while I went back to school, there were some things that the girls I was with just spoke openly about with their preferences and experiences.  We all joked, and laughed, and added our input, and then when it came to be my turn, I was accused of lying.  I was given the prodding of "not having to hide anything" and "not to be ashamed".

But like with everything else, I was telling the truth, and they just couldn't seem to comprehend it.

The topic of conversation: Masturbation.
Why was I accused of lying?  Well, because I don't masturbate.  At all.

Sure, I poked around a couple times in my early teens, figuring out my own anatomy, and wondering what the fuck boys were so interested in.  I got bored in a few minutes each time, and stopped bothering.  Since then, I've had no interest, and simply haven't bothered messing with my diddly bits.

Yes, I know, this is weird.  Especially when you consider the fact that I want sex fairly constantly, and don't get to fuck nearly as often as I'd like to.  For some reason, it just doesn't make me think to fondle myself, but wait most impatiently for someone to enjoy fucking.

Pornography also tends to make me feel bored.  Visual porn just does nothing for me, although I have enjoyed watching people get tortured, once anything sexual begins, I lose any interest.  I'm not disgusted by it at all, but watching sex just looks boring to me.  I'd much rather get myself laid.

When I was with Thrax, even though he knew that I had no idea how to jerk off, he would order me to do it while we would be fucking, and I'd be laying on my back on top of him.  It was like he didn't know what to do, so he'd just pull out something that he'd told girls to do in the past, and it just confused me.  I'd usually just flop my hand on my junk, and continue to fuck, cause I really don't even know what to do with my own bits, despite having as much jewelry to fiddle with as I do.

And I've discovered just from my normal interaction with partners, that my clit is pretty much dead compared to my internal bits anyway.  Unless it's being bludgeoned, or has some serious force being used, I honestly don't feel much of anything.  At one point, Thrax had used a hitachi on me, thinking it would magically fix my clit or something, and it would have me instantly cumming.  He put it up to my junk, and wiggled it around for a while, and just looked at me waiting for a reaction.  It felt like my cell going off in my lap to be honest.  So he tossed an adapter on it, and proceeded to put the only foreign object (that wasn't you know, fingers or a dick) inside my junk.  That honestly just felt confusing.  I didn't really notice the vibration, and the end was maybe the size of a finger, and was soft-ish, so it couldn't really apply pressure.  It's the only time I've ever had any sort of "traditional" sex toy used on me, and it only gave me less desire to ever try them in the future.

Mind you, I'm actually one of those people that can get off just from thought.  I just want sex for so much more than to cum that I never put much concern on it.

And yes, when I tell people I don't jerk off, they usually don't believe me.  If they know me well enough though, they know it's the truth, seem a bit confused for a moment, and move on.  If not, well, they aren't worth trying to convince.

Thursday, July 03, 2014

Weird Things that Make me Feel Weird Pt 1

I tend to hang out with a circle of people who don't quite follow the societal norms.  We're all a bit mad in our own way, have our own issues, and are the misfits that have come together as family.

Not to mention that I don't quite run with the most normal hobbies, which comes with it's own crowd of different.

However, with all the people I find in these circles, there are a few things I always find about myself that might seem to be more socially acceptable, but make me feel like the odd one out.  They're not anything big, or that impact me really in any way, but it certainly becomes noticeable, and surprises everyone when they find out.

First, I'm straight, and that confuses everyone I tell it to.

Sure, I can look at a girl and say she's hot.  I'll poke my female friends in the boobs, or the ass, just to giggle over it.  I'm not homophobic in the slightest (most recently proven by doing everything short of grabbing a boy's head and smooshing it against Lux's so they could make out), I simply have no physical attraction to females.

Now, I'll still play with girls.  I have no problem enjoying non-sexual play time with a girl, and beating the shit out of them.  In fact, when I play with girls, it's probably the one time that my mind doesn't consider sex at all.  The desire for it leaves completely, and I usually wind up looking at them as though they aren't really a person for the duration.

I'm sorry, is my sociopath showing?

This gets to be an issue sometimes when co-topping happens, because if a guy is there that I happen to enjoy fucking, I need a few minutes after I've played with the girl to level myself out and get back to where I want to fuck again.  This can be as simple as playing with just him for a bit, or leaving the room for a moment.

Thrax used to try and get to be sexual with girls all the time.  It quite literally took him over a year and a half to realize that I was, in fact, straight, and my brain kind of shut down at the thought of interacting with a girl's bits.  To the point where I wasn't allowed to tell girls I was straight if they asked, because he didn't want them turning me down.

Sometimes, I thought it would have made my life easier if I were bisexual.  So many other people I know are, and it would make a lot of situations a lot simpler.

Then I realized it would only have made things more complicated.  I'm still mono-amorous.  It would only put more pressure on me to have sex with people I probably wouldn't want to fuck, and then the pressure of having to date someone I wouldn't have feelings for.  And that, is a disaster waiting to happen, especially when my exes were both full of emotional issues.

Yes, I have the orientation that society deems most appropriate.  And in my world, that feels weird.