A New Devious Chapter

You know that post I had a couple weeks ago about thinking I capable now of things I was completely broken over a year ago? Yea, well, I had the chance to actually test some of  that out recently. It went fantastically. It wasn't really set up beforehand, but everyone was aware of everyone else's situation, and limits to respect.  It was comfortable, and everyone involved walked away happy. Honestly, I've never had a threesome actually go that well before.  Had I not been packing up from performing at a faire, I would have wanted to just snuggle and revel in it for an hour or so afterward. It gives me so much hope for the future, and really proves to me that people can make all the difference with every interaction. Also, knowing how nervous Lux was and how happy he was afterward just over the fact that I was as good with it as I was made me find him that much more amazing. On a side note, this was the first time that I've done anything to a girl and had it

As a teenager, I was usually the one being dumped.  My relationships didn't last long (and in fact, I think nothing that lasts less than a month actually counts, which means a good lot of them don't) but it was the same issue every time. Not that we fought. Not that cheating occurred. Not that we hurt the other in any way. No, the thing  that each one of them didn't stand for was that it just felt like we were good friends who fooled around.   And who was I to argue.  They were dating a teenage sociopath.  There isn't going to be this soul-stopping connection. Then I found Kitty, and experienced what actual romantic love was. It wasn't a crush.  It wasn't this all consuming thing.   I felt inspired. I noticed myself grow, evolve, and be happier as a person, whether he was around or not. And when I did think about him, or talk to him, or spend time with him, I felt at peace. It didn't matter what drama was happening, or the issues g

Recently I've noticed that the downfalls of social media have appeared in my conversations with friends.  How it triggers them in ill ways, makes them want to talk to others less, and in general, brings them down. It seems as though the resource we use to create connections, and sprouts convenience also causes depression and disappointment, which shouldn't have to go hand in hand. And, to be honest, I entirely understand why.  It's basic human logic, and something that even I am guilty of at certain points in my life. We're taught to share the bad.  That talking it out, and venting will help, and others will listen, and embrace us in care and aid.  So every small thing we encounter we spew onto the feeds of others, unable to process and deal with any of it ourselves.  Why should we take on that weight alone, if hundreds of others can give a hand, and make the load lighter?  So we see negativity, expecting others to step in and help, despite their own issues, which

Ok, so very few people are going to understand that title.  Nerdcookies to those who do. I've got a few buttons on my person that can actually change my demeanor completely. No, I don't quite mean in the way that harmful triggers do.  Not the things that cause others to curl up, panic, and need to calm themselves. They're buttons that when someone makes contact with them, a certain part of my mind takes over, and it's completely different with each one. No, this isn't a cheat sheet to where they are.  Really, that's just taking out all the fun. However, I've got three, so learning where they are can be really handy for the right person.  Or dangerous, considering... The first one brings about violence.  It's technically two buttons at once, but they are easy and convenient to hit at the same time.    The slightest bit of pressure on them will have me swinging in a blood rage, trying to tear apart whoever was so (un)fortunate as to hit them.  T

I know you're moving, and probably won't read this until a day or two after it goes live, due to your own exhaustion, and being busy. Then again, you tend to look for those few minutes of escape to read things here, so you may get to it as soon as you are out of the car after your long ass drive to the frozen north. I am sorry you feel so worried about me through all of this.  I know I steel myself over from almost everything, which makes me difficult to read.  Admittedly, the first week after you said you were moving I was terrified.  You would find some scene up there, fall into place, meet some girl (or boy, or both!), and fall away like so many other people.  I'd become some irritation of your past that tried to creep back in and get shooed away, no longer a part of where you are. At the same time I was terrified that you wouldn't find any of it.  That you'd become reclusive, and hide from everything life has to offer.  You'd fall back into your depressi

I've recently been thinking about some of the things I thought I simply wasn't capable of as far as sex and play had been concerned.  Not my limits mind you, but just certain scenarios that I didn't think I could ever deal with due to my past, and how it would affect me now. Thrax and the gnome left me pretty heavily fucked up about a lot of things.  Between rape, being put down for my sex drive, being told my asking to play every few months was pushy and too forceful for a slave it didn't leave me in the best mental shape. Then add in the lies, disregard for my well-being, attempts at manipulation, and totally ignoring what I'd clearly asked of them.  It adds to that pile. I was at a point a year ago where I couldn't imagine co-topping ever again, submitting to any real extent, having someone else present while I topped someone, or having another girl as a third in any way, or my being a third. And it's been a year, I've had a lot of good

After I typed up my last post, I sent it to Lux, because it knocked me a bit too off center to type it up. Which he read. At work. While on the phone. Yea, I probably should have realized he would do that.  Oh well.  He kept himself from tearing up while working, so that's good. I told him that I just needed to keep reminding myself that he isn't anyone else that I've known, or dealt with in the past, and I need to treat it like something new.  He brought up that I say the same thing to him, that I am not his past partners, when he is worried about something that has been an issue with others in the past. Hooray insecurities!  Yea, that might be a reoccurring theme of this post. The next day he asked if he could come down after work, and invade my bed.  As I am not one to say no to the chance to snuggle sexy menfolk all night, I was all for it.  I figured he just needed time to clear his head after accepting the job and realizing everything that needed to get don

A bit of background: I met Kitty in June of 2004.  We were at a larp, and without any intention, wound up sitting up all night talking, instead of going to sleep like we should have.  No introduction before that; we were both simply awake outside the inn, giggling about random horrible thoughts.  A few months later I invited him to stay in the cabin with us, because he didn't know where he was staying, and after that, we started messaging on AIM nearly every day. We would call each other a few days a week and chat on his commute home from work, or when the girlfriend he was living with was busy with whatever else.  Once winter hit, we started hanging out almost weekly, and we would share a tent at events and faires, because we both liked to snuggle, and it was a convenient sleeping arrangement for us. Our friendship became something that no one really knew what to think of.  I could contact him when no one else could, and he would call me having panic attacks instead of his gir