Sunday, September 28, 2014

Surprise Experiment

You know that post I had a couple weeks ago about thinking I capable now of things I was completely broken over a year ago?

Yea, well, I had the chance to actually test some of  that out recently.
It went fantastically.

It wasn't really set up beforehand, but everyone was aware of everyone else's situation, and limits to respect.  It was comfortable, and everyone involved walked away happy.

Honestly, I've never had a threesome actually go that well before.  Had I not been packing up from performing at a faire, I would have wanted to just snuggle and revel in it for an hour or so afterward.

It gives me so much hope for the future, and really proves to me that people can make all the difference with every interaction.

Also, knowing how nervous Lux was and how happy he was afterward just over the fact that I was as good with it as I was made me find him that much more amazing.

On a side note, this was the first time that I've done anything to a girl and had it not completely shut down the sexual part of my brain.  Mind you, I was already turned on from molesting Lux, and were making out and all the whole time.  I also wasn't specifically playing with her to start before it turned sexy, but it's something, and it honestly surprised me when I thought back on it after.

I almost want to play with this further, and see just what I can do with learning any of this.  It really does show how we evolve, and I want to see what I am capable of after seeing that Lux does make me comfortable with so much more than I thought I could do just a short time ago.

Thursday, September 25, 2014


As a teenager, I was usually the one being dumped.  My relationships didn't last long (and in fact, I think nothing that lasts less than a month actually counts, which means a good lot of them don't) but it was the same issue every time.

Not that we fought.
Not that cheating occurred.
Not that we hurt the other in any way.

No, the thing  that each one of them didn't stand for was that it just felt like we were good friends who fooled around.  
And who was I to argue.  They were dating a teenage sociopath.  There isn't going to be this soul-stopping connection.

Then I found Kitty, and experienced what actual romantic love was.
It wasn't a crush.  It wasn't this all consuming thing.  
I felt inspired.
I noticed myself grow, evolve, and be happier as a person, whether he was around or not.
And when I did think about him, or talk to him, or spend time with him, I felt at peace.
It didn't matter what drama was happening, or the issues going on.  He could make me put them aside, smile, and then go back and tackle them.

It was the most amazing, freeing thing I'd ever experienced.

And, I find it interesting when people can't separate what a crush and what love is.  There is no fireworks, or explosions.  No intense driving emotion (unless you hurt someone I care about, in which case you will wish for death).  There is comfort, and a feeling of rightness.  That no matter what comes your way, you can tackle it, and still have time for a snuggle before going off to bed.

I find it incredible that something that drives so many people is probably not completely understood by even half of them.  And so many more people so searching for it, not knowing what it even feels like.

Sunday, September 21, 2014


Recently I've noticed that the downfalls of social media have appeared in my conversations with friends.  How it triggers them in ill ways, makes them want to talk to others less, and in general, brings them down.

It seems as though the resource we use to create connections, and sprouts convenience also causes depression and disappointment, which shouldn't have to go hand in hand.

And, to be honest, I entirely understand why.  It's basic human logic, and something that even I am guilty of at certain points in my life.

We're taught to share the bad.  That talking it out, and venting will help, and others will listen, and embrace us in care and aid.  So every small thing we encounter we spew onto the feeds of others, unable to process and deal with any of it ourselves.  Why should we take on that weight alone, if hundreds of others can give a hand, and make the load lighter?  So we see negativity, expecting others to step in and help, despite their own issues, which they are looking for the same aid in.

We're taught to hide the good.  That bragging is bad, and brings out jealousy, greed, and envy in others.  Instead of simply being grateful for the fantastic things that happen to our loved ones, we become fed up with seeing optimistic positivity.  We are taught that celebration of our own lives is an act of pride, and so should be avoided, unable to acknowledge the great things that life hands us.

The convenient nature of social media also leads to constant almost harassing hums of inane material to break up the negativity filling our feeds.  Pictures of food, selfies, memes that lack common sense or logical balance, or quotes so generic that they are put on images knowing they will get tons of recognition.  And we continue to like and share and spread them around because we have no reason not to.  It is a digital feed, with no paper trail, and it isn't hurting anyone, right?

Then there are the people who try to spew issues there before going to the people they should be talking to.  I've seen break ups occur just over social media, with the other party not knowing until they logged on to check their feed.  Vaguebooking in order to be coddled, instead of walking up to the friend or family member and saying what the problem is.  While sometimes it is good to bounce thoughts off of a friend, and see if they are overreacting, we simply blast them away via the power of the internet, and never work to actually solve things with basic interaction.

It's a recipe for disaster, and with so many younger people now embracing the digital conveniences of it all, we've lost the ability to actually talk to others.  We no longer know how to create balance in our own lives, and we live within the feed of constant negative thoughts floating about on all our devices and it doesn't do any of us the smallest bit of good.

 Maybe there is something to be done here, and we can bring a touch of help to this bottomless pit of distress and despair.  There's too much in life to celebrate to let a digital feed kill it all away.

Thursday, September 18, 2014


Ok, so very few people are going to understand that title.  Nerdcookies to those who do.

I've got a few buttons on my person that can actually change my demeanor completely.
No, I don't quite mean in the way that harmful triggers do.  Not the things that cause others to curl up, panic, and need to calm themselves.

They're buttons that when someone makes contact with them, a certain part of my mind takes over, and it's completely different with each one.

No, this isn't a cheat sheet to where they are.  Really, that's just taking out all the fun.

However, I've got three, so learning where they are can be really handy for the right person.  Or dangerous, considering...

The first one brings about violence.  It's technically two buttons at once, but they are easy and convenient to hit at the same time.    The slightest bit of pressure on them will have me swinging in a blood rage, trying to tear apart whoever was so (un)fortunate as to hit them.  This has been a fun surprise more than once for people, as it left them a happy sore mess at the end of it all.

The second sort of causes an immediate boner which can't be talked down, and I have been known to practically tear the clothes off of other in an attempt to fuck them as soon as they make contact with it.  Luckily, it's a part that most people don't make contact with unless we're already physically comfortable with each other, though I have had to talk it down while playing with others in the past, because I was unsure where we stood, and whether or not sex was an option at that point.

The last has actually been broken by Thrax due to abuse, but I have discovered since splitting with him that it does still work with others.  When even a fingertip grazes it, as much as it fights my normal personality, it brings a more submissive demeanor to surface for a few minutes.  I've got to be completely squared off against it for it not to work.  For the few who have touched and triggered it though, it's like finding instant ownership over me.  I become obedient, and I soften over with the person who manages to find it.  Thrax started to use it to just get whatever he wanted, and so that I wouldn't tell him anything he didn't want to hear.  Eventually it started having the opposite effect with him, just because I wasn't going to be manipulated.

However, for those that actually make contact with me enough to find those buttons, look at the chances you're taking, and what fun is possible.


Sunday, September 14, 2014

A Letter

I know you're moving, and probably won't read this until a day or two after it goes live, due to your own exhaustion, and being busy.
Then again, you tend to look for those few minutes of escape to read things here, so you may get to it as soon as you are out of the car after your long ass drive to the frozen north.

I am sorry you feel so worried about me through all of this.  I know I steel myself over from almost everything, which makes me difficult to read.  Admittedly, the first week after you said you were moving I was terrified.  You would find some scene up there, fall into place, meet some girl (or boy, or both!), and fall away like so many other people.  I'd become some irritation of your past that tried to creep back in and get shooed away, no longer a part of where you are.
At the same time I was terrified that you wouldn't find any of it.  That you'd become reclusive, and hide from everything life has to offer.  You'd fall back into your depression, and avoid contact just because you couldn't shake everything that had crept into your head.  Being that far I couldn't do anything to help, or eventually even know if you were ok.

And then I felt how nervous you were about it, for all the same reasons, and I knew that together we wouldn't let any of it happen.  Between the two of us, we were so concerned about the other that you were almost kept from something truly fantastic.  That sledgehammer to the feels was honestly the best thing you could have done to me (short of a beating immediately after; we could both use the violence), and since then I've known that as much as you're moving, you're not going anywhere unless I'm dumb enough to send you away.

Helping you with all of this is actually a steadying thing.  There is no need to apologize for any of it, or to feel like what I am there for is cruel or hurting.  Being around you at all is more help than if you were doing this all by yourself, and relaxes me.  The fact that you want me there shows that you appreciate me enough not to disappear.

And really, I know where you're going to be working, as well as where you'll be living.  The fact that you aren't frightened of that shows that we're close enough that you're not leaving my life in the slightest.  I intend to be up there as often as I can, and spend as much time with you as possible.

This is a good thing for you.  You need to get away from the stress of your parents, and work more towards the fantastic things you are meant to do.  It'll help you in the long run, and I'll be right there to help with anything else necessary.  I'm looking forward to seeing how you grow there, and finding all the trouble we will be able to make up there.

You are a fantastic part of my life, and someone I want to keep as close as possible, for as long as I can.  The connection I have to you is that reminder of what we're all supposed to be looking for, and in the best way possible.

I'll tell you the same thing I told to Kitty about a decade ago now.  You've found a place in my life, and managed to become one of the few people I truly and completely care about.  Unless you seriously fuck up, or die, no bit of that will change.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Clean Slate

I've recently been thinking about some of the things I thought I simply wasn't capable of as far as sex and play had been concerned.  Not my limits mind you, but just certain scenarios that I didn't think I could ever deal with due to my past, and how it would affect me now.

Thrax and the gnome left me pretty heavily fucked up about a lot of things.  Between rape, being put down for my sex drive, being told my asking to play every few months was pushy and too forceful for a slave it didn't leave me in the best mental shape.
Then add in the lies, disregard for my well-being, attempts at manipulation, and totally ignoring what I'd clearly asked of them.  It adds to that pile.

I was at a point a year ago where I couldn't imagine co-topping ever again, submitting to any real extent, having someone else present while I topped someone, or having another girl as a third in any way, or my being a third.

And it's been a year, I've had a lot of good experiences to ease my mind on a lot of things, and I've been constantly reminding myself of one thing.

Any partner I have from here out is not Thrax.
They are not the gnome.
They are no one that has fucked me up in the past.

I can't treat them like they will do the same, because they aren't the same person.  I've become increasingly guarded over the last while because of them, and so anyone who actually manages to get close to me has proven themselves time and again.  It isn't fair to them for me to cut them short like that, and they deserve the trust they've earned.

Sure, there are some things I legitimately am not interested in, or don't work for my personality and style, but there's a world of fun to be had.

I can't let the bullshit in my past create barriers in my future.

It might take some actual negotiation prior, so I can parse over it all, and be sure I'm comfortable with it all.  I might need plenty of snuggles before and after.  I may need small bits of reassurance even during any of it.

There are people in my life that I know wouldn't fuck up the place they have in my life over something so small as a single interaction, and would want to take care of me through it, and that alone is worth being open to the chance.

I've learned a lot in a short amount of time.  I know what I am capable of, and I know not to stand for anything less than what I deserve, which is all the respect and care I know that I give.

Sunday, September 07, 2014


After I typed up my last post, I sent it to Lux, because it knocked me a bit too off center to type it up.
Which he read.
At work.
While on the phone.

Yea, I probably should have realized he would do that.  Oh well.  He kept himself from tearing up while working, so that's good.

I told him that I just needed to keep reminding myself that he isn't anyone else that I've known, or dealt with in the past, and I need to treat it like something new.  He brought up that I say the same thing to him, that I am not his past partners, when he is worried about something that has been an issue with others in the past.

Hooray insecurities!  Yea, that might be a reoccurring theme of this post.

The next day he asked if he could come down after work, and invade my bed.  As I am not one to say no to the chance to snuggle sexy menfolk all night, I was all for it.  I figured he just needed time to clear his head after accepting the job and realizing everything that needed to get done.  Snugglefucks were had, and I enjoyed a night being curled up against him.

I will take this time to let you know that I never really acknowledge the possibility of someone actually having serious feelings for me.  I know me.  I know my faults, and I know how difficult I can be.  Any time anyone actually tells me they give a shit about me, I have to kind of stare in disbelief while I process it.  It catches me so off guard, even though it may be completely obvious to everyone around me.  It's fun, in a not so fun kind of way.

It also explains why I'm usually determined to do things by myself, and never expect anyone to actually do anything for me.

Hooray insecurities!

Lux and I wind up going to a party in the afternoon, and on the way, while cruising the town near where he lives, he starts for serious conversation.
"Now that it's just us in the car..."

Oh balls, we are never seriousface.  I immediately steel myself over, because I don't know how to process over things like this right away, and I have no idea what to expect.

He tells me it's not fair to the beast to uproot her.
He tells me  he doesn't think he could be a stepfather.
My mind races while I'm still externally at a baseline.
He tells me he really wants me to go up there with him.
He tells me that if I wasn't in the picture, he would have taken this job right away, with no mental conflict on his part.

Well, if that doesn't hit like a sledgehammer to the feels.  I try to distract myself with Ingress, and keep my breathing level while I start to process.  I want to say more, but I can tell that was a lot for him.

I tell him that he is right to think this is a bad time to uproot the beast, and that it would be extending beyond his means.
I tell him I wouldn't be able to stay with him right away, because of his living situation for the first while.
I tell him I will spend as much time with him as I can, and that I'm not going anywhere that he has to worry about.

What I don't tell him is that I never expect him to be any sort of father to the beast, but just to care about her.  I've been through this before, and I know how weird it can be.
I don't tell him that I had no idea I was such a contributing factor to his conflict over the job.
I don't tell him that I had no idea he even felt that way about me, and that when we hug I have to keep reminding myself it's his affection I feel, and not that something is wrong with the amount of emotion coming off of him.
I don't ask if he's saying that the beast is the reason we're not actually dating.
I don't ask if the distance will be the reason we don't actually start dating.
I don't ask if he even wants to.
I don't say or ask a thousand things that go through my mind.  We don't have time.  We're already at his friend's place.

Hooray insecurities!

The party is fun, and calm.  So much more than many of the shindigs I am used to.

We head out at a decent time, and go sit by the beach for a while.  We're snuggled together the whole time, and all the things I didn't say come flooding back into my thoughts.  I'm still processing everything that he said, and that he actually has the feelings for me that he apparently does.

After a little while we make the drive back to my place, and we hug for what feels like forever, and a split second before I go into the house.  We keep trying to make sure the other is ok, because neither one of us quite knows how to deal with all the emotions flying around.  In a way, I am more calm, and in so many others I am feel overloaded with thoughts and ideas and everything.

I'm so bad at this emotions thing.
Two sociopaths trying to feels at each other.  This is the end product.  A whole mess of not knowing what to say, because we're both trying to logic through.

Thursday, September 04, 2014

Those Held Closest

A bit of background:
I met Kitty in June of 2004.  We were at a larp, and without any intention, wound up sitting up all night talking, instead of going to sleep like we should have.  No introduction before that; we were both simply awake outside the inn, giggling about random horrible thoughts.  A few months later I invited him to stay in the cabin with us, because he didn't know where he was staying, and after that, we started messaging on AIM nearly every day.
We would call each other a few days a week and chat on his commute home from work, or when the girlfriend he was living with was busy with whatever else.  Once winter hit, we started hanging out almost weekly, and we would share a tent at events and faires, because we both liked to snuggle, and it was a convenient sleeping arrangement for us.

Our friendship became something that no one really knew what to think of.  I could contact him when no one else could, and he would call me having panic attacks instead of his girlfriend.  We constantly held hands when we were out, and snuggled as often as we could.  He wound up being the person I lost my v-card to, and the first person I ever fell in love with.  Everyone who saw us thought we were dating, because he didn't often mention his girlfriend.

We never did date though, even though he occasionally split with his girl, because I didn't want to risk fucking up the friendship we had.  In all my teenage insanity, apparently I had that straight.

The gnome tried to forbid us from talking to each other, because he believed all the rumors that had been spread about us at larp (which weren't true, but we giggled over often given how nonsensical they were).  We continued to talk anyway, and when he eventually got married, he went off with his wife to Hawaii to work with WWOOF, and I stopped hearing from him much.

Then the gnome and I split, and he came back, and said he was getting a divorce.  We agreed we wouldn't allow the other to become a rebound, but started talking on the regular again, like nothing had changed.  He brought a peace and happiness to my life, the kind people are lucky to even have a few moments of.

And then he met a new girl, and this girl couldn't stand the place I had in my life, and forbid that we talk anymore.  Where I had made sure never to cut him out of my life, he left then.  I had the connection with someone that most people dream of, and it died off, right there.

Ok, maybe that was more than a bit.

So, for some reason while life has shit on me in a lot of ways, I've managed to find a connection like that not just once, but twice now.

Lux found me online while I was just at the tail end of an internet hiatus last year after breaking up with Thrax.  We messaged a little bit, and finally met at a faire we both worked at.  We chatted some, and almost immediately after going home, I started texting him.

And we've been texting constantly ever since.  From the beginning, talking to him wasn't an awkward chore of tiptoeing along, worrying what I could share, and what would be too much.  It was that comforting peace that occurs when two people just mesh.  Sure, we've got differences, but they are these fantastic things we learn from each other.

We inspire, push, teach, learn, and grow from each other.  Just being there helps, and fixes so much.  We do nearly everything together at this point, and everyone thinks we're dating, almost refusing to believe when we say it isn't the case.  From the outside, I can understand it.  We're affectionate, always together, and made happier just by the other person's presence.  We are constantly honest, and make the other a big part of our lives.  It's a better relationship than most people have who are dating, and yet we see no need to actually make that distinction to specify such a title.

Even in a sense of power exchange, we naturally fall into actions that look like a serious D/s relationship.  Where we both tried to keep even ground, and actually tried to avoid power exchange, we've wound up with some sort of dynamic between us happening, just acting in the way that makes us happiest.

I don't know how many people wind up finding something like this even once, let alone twice.

And I am so afraid I'm going to lose it again.

Lux is off to work with a new company up in New York in a couple weeks, and so he'll be a few hours away from here.  He will no longer be the short half hour ride away that he was, and I am terrified I'm going to lose him the same way I lost Kitty.

I'm so worried this is how things will wind up being for me.  That I'll wind up losing anyone I wind up having a real, solid connection to, and continue to just date a bunch of abusive asshats.

However, I want him to be happy, and if that means taking that risk, and possibly losing him from my life, I'm more than willing.  I'm not about to pull something that selfish, and try to keep him here when he could be living up to his potential elsewhere.

I will always look back to the memories I have with him and smile, whether we are still making them together, or not.