Thursday, October 30, 2014

Locked Up

The last few weeks have had such an insane amount going on, I feel like I can't relax.  I'm either going to perform, or have a thousand things to do, or have been helping Lux with the move.
And all these things are fun, and productive and I enjoy them.  Don't get me wrong, I love keeping busy, but it's been so much I haven't had a break.

Being home is more stressful than not.  My parents have a habit of taking their frustrations out on me, and use me more as an emotional punching bag than anything.  The gnome likes to try and dick me around, and any time I want to get out and do anything, it becomes a project just to make sure the beast is supervised.  It all adds up to me not being able to even clear my head here.

On the bright side, I'm back to teaching again, dancing regularly by myself.  I already notice myself getting into better shape after a few weeks, and I'm trying to go back to my normal nutrition nerd ways to really feel better and hopefully let my dysmorphia continue to fade, as I've been combating it rather well lately.

What I honestly need, is a weekend away without a ton of running around to do.  Nowhere fancy, just out of the house, perhaps kidnapped by someone, with lots of snuggles and giggles.  To cook, and read, and breathe fresh air without juggling a thousand things.

It really is the simple things that help me relax.  I'm not even sure why such simple things are so difficult for me to find lately, but I do hope they come soon, before the holidays start, because my stress levels are usually through the roof at that part of the year.

Sunday, October 26, 2014


A while ago, I had a friend randomly text me with a question.

"If two couples go out, it's a double date, and if you go out with a romantic prospect, it's a date, so what do you call it when a couple takes out a possible third?"

And I sat and thought about it, wondering why it needed to be that difficult.  Why we needed to label our interactions with others, and figure out ways to classify everything we did in their own little piles.

My response to her was "It is a date.  However, my answer may be a bit skewed compared to many you would ask.  For me, a date is any time I'm out with someone, and we put the rest of life aside for a while.  No phones, or work, or distraction.  Simply time focused on the people involved."

She loved the answer, and felt satisfied with it.

Then I remembered one boy I used to work with.  He was a bit younger than me, but was constantly worrying if she was viewing their time as dates, or if he should consider them that instead of just time hanging out, as if calling it a date was some serious ordeal.

And we stopped what we were doing, in the middle of work, and had a half hour long conversation, while sitting on the floor.

Why do we date?
To see if someone is compatible?
To strengthen a bond?
To get away from life?
To learn.

We're out with someone to learn about who they are.  How they've changed, how they think, how they mesh with our own minds and lives.  From there, we learn how the details of their minds, twisting together everyone involved into an intimate moment where we learn by looking at them without walls and masks and all the bullshit of everyday life.

And it doesn't matter if it is a romantic interest, or a friend, or a family member.  It doesn't matter if you go somewhere super fancy, or take a walk in the woods, or simply go for a drive.  So long as you let down those walls, and let someone look into who you are, you've gotten away from your everyday life, put aside all bullshit, and can learn about how they truly see you.

Dates are not about titles, and dressing up, and showing off.  They're about learning who you trust.  They're about learning who looks at you with all your flaws blindingly clear, and still sees you as being amazing.  Don't worry who they are with, or when, or what you're doing.  Just enjoy those intimate moments you get with the few people we all find in our lives who don't see our flaws as problems, but things that make us simply who we are.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Reasons Why I Shouldn't Pay Attention to Porn pt 1

I love that I have a bunch of series on here by the way, just a random thought before starting this.

It's been mentioned here before that I don't watch porn.  I get bored rather than turned on, and while I am constantly horny, I seldom find my mind wandering through fantasies (perhaps as a defense mechanism) though I will look back on some particularly fun recent encounters often enough.

However, I do use Tumblr.  And my tumblr is pretty much just porn.  Small little images, gifs, and thoughts that I find attractive, or that I can relate to.  They usually don't turn me on than other porn would, but I find it more fun to take in these little tidbits and passing thoughts than actually sitting down to watch porn (which, really, I can't sit through a whole TV show, why the hell would I be able to watch porn?)

There are a few things that I've noticed in the many gifs of hetero-fucking that I scroll through on my dashboard, and I know that nothing in porn should be taken seriously, but enough of it is amateur, which is far more credible for being actual encounters rather than scripted movements.
Things that make me feel like I'm just odd when it comes to fucking.
Yes, this almost became another weird things post.

First, from what I've seen, the vast majority of girls futz with their clit while being fucked.  I know that compared to most my clit is pretty much dead, but I feel like it's odd that I don't need any attention paid to my clit whatsoever to get off and enjoy sex.  I feel way more, and honestly enjoy sex more the less someone plays with my clit, and just focuses on penetration with fingers and cocks.  I'm fully willing to accept that this is my own weirdness, and that many women need that stimulation to supplement intercourse, but it still seems odd to me.  It turns men into more of a masturbatory aid than anything else, and I want to be able to enjoy and focus on my partner first and foremost.

The other thing I've noticed, is that women rarely move while getting fucked.  Sure, a lot of what I look at is forceful power exchange related sexytimes, but it seems that unless the woman is on top, they just kind of lay there and let the man jerk off with either their vagina or their ass.  This, I would hate to be an odd case over.  When I'm with a partner, I find that I like a position less if I am unable to move.  I have in the past actually been accused of fucking partners too hard, and moving so much that they couldn't keep up.  I am wondering if perhaps they had only experienced women who would starfish the bed, and if this is the average.

So, yea, this is what I notice in porn.  Because I couldn't possibly just glance at something, find it hot, and move on.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Confessions of a Female Nymphomaniac

You hear boys saying all the time that they don't get to fuck often enough.  That their girl turns them down on the regular, and how they wish they had someone to have sex with more frequently.

And then I come along, and say that I always want to fuck unless I'm really sick, or totally mentally broken.  That I want to go as often as I possibly can, as hard as I possibly can, and as long as I possibly can.

Those guys?  Yea, they're chomping at the bit, saying there is no way I could have a higher sex drive than they do, and that they can't wait to prove it.

Well, one of them winds up being a friend, and we start fucking.

In the beginning, they attribute it to the new partner craze where you can't stop banging.  The honeymoon phase in relationships.  But it doesn't slow down.  In fact, as I get more comfortable, I just want to bump uglies more and more frequently.  To top things off, one round with most guys is just enough to get me completely turned on, so if I don't get anything else, I pretty much just walk around feeling like I've been blue-balled for a few days.

Then I have the same constant issues.  They tell me they don't feel well.  They avoid hanging out unless it's only in a group.  Eventually, they ask to have sex less often.
And I tell them that's cool, because I want my partners to be happy and chill more than anything.

Then they tell me that my higher sex drive makes them feel emasculated.  That they feel obligated to fuck me, and that it is a chore with how often I want to have sex.  They say that my sex drive intimidates them to where they no longer want to have sex at all, because my desire for it makes them feel pressured.

And then I don't know what the fuck to do.  If I go back to not fucking them, they'll bitch, or whine that they feel bad they can't satisfy me.  If I continue to try and fuck them, they say it's a chore, and that they don't want to.

Not to mention the assholes who find out how high my sex drive is, and think they can get an easy lay.  Mind you I fuck such a small percentage of the guys who try, they rarely believe it.  They start talking shit, and claiming I'm lying, because, you know, that's gonna get them in my pants any faster.

It is honestly difficult having a sex drive as high as I do.  There have been so incredibly few people who have never had an issue with it, even before I first started having intercourse, that it probably helps contribute to how picky I am.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Acknowledging Comforts

This weekend was a bonfire to get rid of a ton of scrap wood my father had handed me, and told me to get rid of.  A few friends showed up, despite a lot of them bailing, but it was still a good time.

Lux actually made the trip down for it, so we got lots of snuggletime, and he crashed at my place, which meant my bed was fantastically warm.

It also meant a lot of sex, and while the weekend prior was fun, I did enjoy getting to have him to myself for a night, and getting to fuck him for as long as I wanted (mostly).

I've also noticed that in the last few weeks, during our more private sessions, there has been increasingly more power exchange going on.  That accidental dynamic that we didn't really pay attention to?  The one that I know I mentioned about a month or so back?  Yea, we've definitely decided to dive into it.  It's just a step at a time, and honestly it supplements our normal interactions more than anything, but it's an incredibly comforting thing.

At this point, it's been well over a year since I've had any sort of power exchange that lasted more than a moment or two.  And that was a situation of unbalance, that didn't bring me any sense of peace or contentment.

When Lux and I are actively exchanging, I can't help but smile to myself.  He still feels the need to check in afterward, to assure himself that I'm not simply submitting because I feel obligated, or that he's not going further than I am comfortable with at any time.  While not really necessary, I do appreciate it.  He knows I've had plenty of shitty experiences, and doesn't want me to feel like he is going to be another one of them.  It feels even though.  This balanced exchange of give and take on both sides, with the roles we fit, and it makes me feel peaceful and happy.

He isn't quite used to this anymore I don't think, and it'll mean lots of reassuring snuggles and happy butt wiggles to get him comfortable with not having to hide or hold back any of his dommypants urges.  It's a job I'm very willing to take on though, because he should feel just as much peace from this as I do.

Things happen naturally for a reason, and when we acknowledge and encourage them, they have the opportunity to grow into something great.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Gathering Information

Last weekend I had a somewhat impromptu trip up to Lux's apartment with a mutual friend (the one I posted about a couple weeks ago)  to help him get settled in.  This of course also involved getting to break in his new place by fucking as much as we possibly could in every room.  I went through the week prepping a box of some things he needed, and plotting with him all the wonderful sexy thoughts that go through our heads every day.

I have to say, I was a bit nervous at first.  Not even so much for how sex would go, as Lux is incredibly respectful, and often paranoid of me and how I'm doing, but of simply being around Nessa for that long of a drive, and then for the remaining time.  I often have problems being around people for extended doses.  This is especially true when I don't have other people to use as a buffer.  I however packed up my tablet to read, and my pliers to play with Lux's rings, and told myself that so long as I could manage the drive I'd be fine.

The weekend as a whole went swimmingly.  The drive up started on time, and when we got there it was very relaxed as we just sort of fell into roles.  We did some grocery shopping, because I had offered to make dinner, and breakfast the next morning, and there was a gratuitous amount of sex.

To which, I had a lot of fun, and interesting experience to process through.

For the first time, there was a threesome that didn't immediately dissolve into drama.  It was relaxed, and chill and calm and all the things that people hope group sex to be.  When sex wasn't happening, Lux and I were often found snuggling, and Nessa was taking care of dishes, or little domestic chores.
I have to say, that while I will never mind someone doing dishes, having someone perform any service for me is a bit uncomfortable.  I don't mind people asking if I would like something if they are up as well, and I don't have a problem asking for something, but for people to just take care of things, it is odd to me.  It makes me flail a bit, and I don't like it.

Everyone was happy with my cooking, which made me feel much better over all.  I enjoy doing domestic service, so for anyone else to do it, I feel like I'm floating with nothing to do, and it feels wrong.  I'd much rather do for myself and everyone else there, the good majority of the time.

Despite the amount of sex though, I found myself craving time to just grab Lux, tell Nessa we'd be back, lock ourselves in the bedroom, and snugglefuck him for a couple hours like we normally do.  Both to enjoy him without having to share, and to decompress from being around more than one person.  I had times where he fucked only me (more on that in a bit) but they felt like we were trying to sneak away during the small windows of time when she was sleeping or busy.  I have since brought this up to Lux, and while he assures me it was simply that those were the moments he wanted to just fuck me, it was the way it looked from my end.  Oh well.  Next time I will just throw him in a room to fuck him senseless whenever I don't want to share.

In the early hours of the morning, while hearing Nessa sound asleep, I felt Lux wake up, and he carefully climbed on top of me.  We've done this before, so we know how to keep quiet and movement to a minimum (Go ninja sex!).  Before the sun was completely up, we had some of the sweetest sex together I honestly think we've ever had.  While wrapped in each other's arms, Lux whispered all manner of dominance, control, and affection into my ear, and it had far more of an effect on me than I had ever expected.  I snuggled him contently as we fucked, and for the first time in a really long while, I noticed myself actually feeling in a submissive frame of mind.  Afterward, because we had not yet wanted to leave the warmth of the covers, we stayed curled up in the bed until it was far later than we are used to laying down for.

After breakfast, and of course the most beloved and necessary coffee, I was randomly tickling Lux as I normally do, and at one point he walked off.  After a second, I hopped into the bedroom, and found him in his closet, going through his toy bag.
And then I got beaten.
Because I deserved it.
No, really, I did.  I sent him lots of pictures while he was at work that he enjoyed, and made a good dinner, and breakfast, and snuggled him lots.  I do believe I deserved a hell of a beating.

Nessa hopped in to watch, as he hit me with far more force than she could imagine taking herself.  It wasn't the hardest beating he'd ever thrown me, but it was more than I'd gotten in a good long time.  My back got a solid flogging, and it felt so good that it's now loosened up and better than it has been for a while.  I also got to see how much force he uses when we swings at me, and where he normally just drops his arm, I can see his muscles flex and he brings the flogger down on me, and still wasn't hitting me hard enough to really hurt.

At one point though, between the mix of the beating, the power exchange, and probably the weekend as a whole, I started to get really floaty.  I was watching him fuck Nessa, and it was way hotter than I would expect myself to find it he were to be on the other side of the room fucking her right now.  The sexual part of my brain shut down a little, and so did my sadist, to where they weren't gone, but they certainly weren't anywhere near the levels they normally sit at.  I knelt on the floor, content in the floaty feeling, and figuring he would come back to me in a moment, when he had me get on the bed, and told me to hurt her, half expecting me to say no, because he noticed the change in my brainspace.  I did, but not to the extent I would have in near any other situation.

This honestly was the first time Lux had beaten myself and someone else having to calibrate back and forth.  I told him about all of this, and said that possibly in the future, he should beat me second, not only to see how I react to it altogether, but that way he can go as hard on me as he wants, and not have to worry about scaling back after.

Then we snuggled more, and I do wish I could have fucked him at least once more before leaving (or better yet, staying longer) it was a fantastic visit.

There's a lot to sort through after that, but it certainly went as well as we could ever possibly expect it to.

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Storytime Two! Or, Why I Didn't Give Blowjobs for Nearly a Decade

So, there I was, confronted with the only penis I'd ever had anywhere near my face.  I'd licked it on a few occasions, realized I hated saliva and moved on without any real issue, because, you know, squicking isn't sexy.

I had decided that if I didn't have a chance to look at the spit, and if my hands weren't on his cock to feel the spit, I'd be fine.  It was a sound theory in my head, and something that I figured would work.

Staring down the cock (and poking at it a few times.  No, really, I do this)  I take the head in my mouth, and start going down on the guy.  He knows this is the first time for me, knows my gag reflex is horrible, and knows that I squick from bodily fluids.
About twenty seconds in, he grabs the back of my head, and pushes me down so hard I panic.  I don't want to vomit, so instinct kicks in so his cock doesn't gag me and cause me to throw up.
I bit down.
A lot.
Like pit bull vice grip bite.
On his cock.

Give it a minute.
Give it a minute.

You've all let go of your junk from your own panic over that thought?  Cool.

So, he grabs tighter on my hair, to fight the pain, but I can now pull my head away from his cock.
There is... a lot of blood.
And I don't think a penis is supposed to look like that.

He is embarrassed, and tells me to get his roommate to take him to the hospital.
I never heard from him after that.  I don't even know if his cock still worked.

Needless to say, that had me a bit freaked over giving head ever again.  Guys would ask, and I'd say no, and that was that.  Eventually once I did start feeling more comfortable, I thought maybe I'd try again.
To which I realized, most guys don't clean up their junk.
Every guy I thought about sucking off had gross smeg all over their dick.
You know what's not sexy?  Dickcheese.

And then I hated the idea of having a cock anywhere near my face again.

It wasn't until I had kicked out the gnome that I had started going down on guys again, because finally I had found some boys who would be both respectful, and take care of upkeep on their dangly parts.  With those two requirements covered, I found I enjoyed sucking cock.
A lot.
Like, a lot.

You know those sounds you make when someone hands you a fresh, warm home made cookie right from the oven?
Yea, those happen.  It's just that happy and satisfying for me.

If I hadn't learned how much I enjoy it though, I probably would have stopped again.  Thrax used to get drunk and force my head down on his cock and leave it there.  I would be so panicked about biting down, that I would vomit, and then freak over having thrown up.  The act would leave me shaking in the bathroom after cleaning myself up, and I'd have to wait him out until he'd pass out before I would go back into my room.

Luckily though, I've yet to have that issue with any other partners since then.  After a quick (but thorough) inspection, I've been free to nom on cock to my heart's content.

Sunday, October 05, 2014

Weird Things that Make Me Feel Weird Part... Five! I think

One of the things that contributes most to people mistaking my sexual orientation is the fact that I will still play with girls.  I am often heard saying that I love beating up girls, and have no issue tying them up, breaking their minds, or beating the shit out of them.

And then when I say I'm straight, they just don't understand.
Even when I offer to play with female friends, they don't quite get it.

Because I offer them non-sexual playtime.

For some reason, the ability to separate play and sex is such a rare thing in my area.  And sure, sometimes I want all the kink in my sex.

But more often than not, there is no sex in my kink.

I'm not talking about the occasional play session that doesn't end in me bouncing on a cock.

I mean that a good majority of my experience with play barely involves removing clothes.  There is no interaction with genitalia, no smooches, no sex at all.  And this concept confuses the fuck out of people.

Until they play with me.

I find that when I play, and most especially when I top, the cold logical parts of my sociopath become unabashedly visible.  The sexual part of my brain turns off, and I am so much more driven by a very primal instinct.  I no longer really view the bottom as human, but something to pull reactions out of.  I want to see how you mark and squirm and scream, regardless of gender.  There's this mad science to it once I begin to figure it out, and the last thing I'm concerned about at that point is whether or not I'll be getting off.

And because of that, I put off no sexual vibe whatsoever.  Due to that, whoever I'm playing with tends to feed off of it, and is able to get through the session without finding it sexual either, even if sexy playtime is all they've experienced prior.

You know what though?  Generally, they dig it.  They find they have a different satisfaction from it, just as I do, and find themselves wanting it more in the future.

Maybe I'm just odd for not incorporating sex with kink early on.  It seems to be a rather handy thing at this point though.

Thursday, October 02, 2014

How to get into my pants (an instruction manual)

Oh yea, that's right, I actually feel the need to type this up lately.

  1.  Never assume anything about me.  I will surprise you.  From the first moment, to years later, there will be things about me that you will not expect, and assuming the wrong thing, and treating me that way will only kill your chances.  Common things that occur with this are my sexuality, orientation, or gullibility.
  2. Don't try and get anywhere the first time we hang out in person.  Sure, we can talk sex, and play and all of it, but don't suggest anything.  I've got a very strict "No play on the first date" policy, and trying to break it, will result in me breaking you.
  3. No means no, but yes does not mean push further.  If I'm cool with something, enjoy that.  I'll take things further if I'm comfortable with it.  Trust me, I have no issue taking the initiative sexually.
  4. Make the first move.  Yes, this means after we've hung out at least once.  Even just a small comment of interest works.  In fact, a single line like that is the best possible thing.  Otherwise, I have no clue you have any interest, and won't want to make the first move myself.  I have no problem flirting back and forth and furthering things once that barrier is broken though.
  5. The more you try, the more I will want to set you on fire.
  6. Never feel like you're entitled, or have another person on your team to try and talk me into it.  I'm really good at saying no, and even better at performing amputations.
  7. Treat me like a person.  Seriously.  Have the same conversations with me that you would have with any of your friends.
  8. In fact, want to actually become my friend.  I will not fuck or play with someone who isn't my friend first, or that I don't think could be my friend.  I won't just be a booty call, or a hook up, but I will fuck the shit out of you, cook you dinner, and watch random movies with you, just because.  There's got to be more than bumping uglies involved.
  9. Remember shit about me.  If I bring up a limit, and you decide you want to do that with me an hour later, it is sure as hell going to make me feel like you don't give a fuck about me, other than my genitals.  And if you don't give a fuck, I won't either.  It doesn't need to be insane, but I will remember what you tell me, so it's a courtesy to try and do the same.
  10. Understand that I am weird.  I've got a lot of things with my brainbox that aren't like a normal person.  Dealing with me is an experience, and there's a lot of learn that you aren't used to.  If you look at me like I'm a freak, I'm just going to want to set you on fire
Yup, that's about all.  This shouldn't even need to be written, but it has become necessary.
Wow.  There's a lot of threat of bodily harm in there.  Oh well!