Sunday, December 28, 2014

New Things

It's coming close to the end of the year, and so I've been thinking about all the new things I want to learn and do next year.
I generally don't make resolutions like the bulk of people, but rather think of many small goals to accomplish, and things to learn.

For 2015 my list includes

  • Learning to bake shortbread
  • Being able to do a headstand
  • Learning viking wire weaving
  • Figuring out more belly dance moves
  • Working more on my flexibility
  • Getting to have Eat Like a Hobbit Day
  • Getting suspended, by either rope or flesh hooks
It's not a long list, but most of those things will take time.
Let's see how much I can knock off that list!

Thursday, December 25, 2014

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Since it is Christmas, I thought I would share something for everyone who may read this.
But not normal porn, with genitals, and all.  Oh no.  I would never share something that simple.
Voice porn!

In case you didn't know, I develop crushes on people just due to their voices.  Either their normal speaking tone, or the way they say a certain something.  I will manifest panties, just so they may drop through the floor, and I swear there are times I could get off just listening, without any actual stimulation.

So, here are a few of my favorites.

Welp, have fun with that.  Hope everyone enjoys the gift of eargasm.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

My Two Front Teeth

I haven't had time to actually think about things I want for Christmas this year.  I've been so busy, and have really had a year of just not caring about material things, and far more about experiences and function.

I told my family all I wanted was to go to Pennsic, which is in August, but with how they are, I need to start poking now if I want them to possibly remember it.

Otherwise, I want the chance to relax.  I want time away from home.
I want to not be treated like a piece of shit.

Luckily, I'll be getting just that in a few days, which should help me out a lot.
Hopefully I'll get a solid beating in, and enough violence to take care of the craving I've had for a bit now.

Oh, and I want to have more chance to just cook or bake whatever I want.

Which I will also get to do.

I know, I'm so difficult.

On a side note, I'm almost out of loose tea.  That would actually be a good thing for me to have told people for gifts.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Time to Breathe

Now that we've gone about celebrating Channukah in the house, things are calming down.
I don't have to crochet ten thousand things.
I have baked every bit of cookie dough in the house.  Which added up to around 1500 cookies.
The big cooking and wrapping and figuring of things is done.

Yes, we still have Christmas, but that's simple in the scheme of things.

So, this week I can focus on the two presents I have left to finish, and start making the changes I want to toward being healthier.

Because I don't have every moment of my day claimed to do something for the holidays, I'm finally starting to work out again.  
No lie, it already has me feeling more active, and I do enjoy the sore muscles I have the next day.
Also, noodley arms are fun.

I can focus on the things I want to make for myself, and that I want to accomplish in the near future.

I can also look toward what is going on in the next couple weeks.  Which involves some time adventuring with Lux, which we both need for vital snuggles, violence, obscene amounts of sex, and just general silliness.

The next few days will be spent looking at what I want to accomplish in the new year, and maybe what I'd like for Christmas myself, because I honestly haven't even thought about it.

Sunday, December 14, 2014


Oh the nerdiness it will take to understand that title.

So, I've noticed that in the last year or so, for those that only see me online, or haven't assumed that Lux and I are dating (which we are still quick to clarify that we don't want the formalities, expectations, and obligations that go along with it, and so we are not actually dating) I am constantly asked if I am "looking for someone".

To which, I tell them I'm not, and then I realize that I've never actually been looking for a partner.  Even if the pool is small (and I don't think it's ever been a large number at any point), there's always been at least one person.  Dating included, before I ever feel like I want a relationship, someone comes along and shows interest.  This may however, explain why I dated just as a change of scenery in my teens.

Honestly, I can't imagine going actively looking for a partner, whether for a relationship, or purely for sexual reasons.  I have no idea what people do who aren't friends and hook up.  I imagine it's full of awkward silence, and the sex never becomes a relaxing way to decompress like when you have someone you are comfortable with.  I don't know if they can giggle together while fucking, or curl up and have a cup of coffee afterward.  The idea of it seems incomplete; like missing out on half the enjoyment and satisfaction of fucking.

Looking for a relationship seems fairly awkward as well.  I wouldn't even know how to go about it.  To talk to someone with the mindset of wanting them to fit a specific role in your life, and the needs you have there, and if they don't fit that mold, or cause some instant spark, they are tossed aside without the possibility of fitting some other purpose.

I've always been friends with more men.  I find myself to be far more masculine, and so when I talk to men, I just see them all as a possibility of becoming another male friend.  Once they hit that point, I may find them as a possible sexual partner, or develop the feels from there.  More often than not though, they simply become a friend, however close and important they wind up being.  Whatever role they fall into is up to how we mesh together, with no expectations or molds to fit.

So no, I'm not looking for a partner.  I am open to having more if they come into my life and happen to respect me and want to become a friend, but I'm not about to go hunting more down any time soon.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Taking from Tumblr

I enjoy reading tags on posts.  Sometimes they are funny, or provide insight to how a post is meant to be viewed.  There are times when I find the tags themselves more interesting than the post.

Sometimes on Tumblr though, I see a pile of people just humping each other, each with the tag "Romantic".

It makes me think of how the gnome would say he was being romantic with me any time he wanted to fuck and was trying to kiss me.

Then I see pictures of people holding hands.  Of one person resting their head on the chest of another.  Of pouncing on a partner and giggling.  And these are simply given the tag "cute".

I see far more romance in these moments than any picture of people fucking.  Snuggling up shows trust, care, and compassion.  While these may be present while fucking someone, it's certainly not always the case.

We don't hold hands with people we've just started having sex with.  We don't curl up in their lap and let down walls.  We don't wrap our arms around them while out just have those moments of contact.
And those moments, those are romantic.
When you show that you've hit a point where you can share those little touches.  Those things that aren't charged by lust, but simply care, and wanting to feel the other person near you, to settle one or both of you.

I think that many people intimacy for lust.  That physical desire is romantic, and this is why so many people feel like they have to be in love with whoever they fuck.  And that's not always the case.  We may have someone that we feel intense physical chemistry with, but never feel safe enough to really let down walls and share ourselves with them.  Then there may be someone else, who may not be someone we are physically drawn to, but we feel connected, and even just while speaking, you can feel how much emotion is being exchanged, and small little touches create a more emotionally satisfying feeling than most sex could.

Now, that's not to say that sex can't be romantic.  I find power exchange can be full of romance, and things like choking, and intense beatings to be very intimate acts due to the amount of trust necessary.  A romantic conversation sharing ideas and thoughts and theories can lead to sex just due to the attraction it causes.

I feel sometimes like it is part of society pushing it's stigma of sex on us.  That we should only have sex with those we love, and thereby it becomes something romantic.  Romance is supposed to mean love, right?  Those moments we share with those other people though, they couldn't possibly be romantic, because we're not in a relationship and boning.

Sometimes society loses point.
And by sometimes, I mean all the ruddy time.

Sunday, December 07, 2014

My Own Worst Critic

I noticed yesterday how hard I am on myself when it comes to what I work on.

My father and I have been working on a set of bog chairs for me to use at events.  Two large ones for Lux and I, and one small one for the beast (or me if I don't want to lug all the big chairs).  We've got them cut, sanded, and I just did some work with the dremel to put pretty designs into the wood before painting and staining.
Well, I went to do the lines with a paint pen on the one for Lux, and the paint exploded out, all over the wood, seeping in and staining it.
A freak out later, and my dad was giving me some sandpaper to see if I could sand just the paint off.  It worked a bit, but I could still see it there.  Big blobs of blue, standing out and screaming at me how terrible they looked on something meant to be taken out in public.
Then my father looked at it, and said he couldn't really notice it that much, and once we got a good coat of stain on it, it would look good.
I sent a picture to Lux and he couldn't even tell what I was trying to fix.

Perhaps I was just staring to angrily at those spots I knew were there, and seeing them as more than they were.

When it comes to making things, even moreso things for others, I am a bit of a perfectionist.  I want to put the most detail in, and make it all look absolutely perfect.  I get a lot of random ideas, and want to make them happen, but I don't want anything to look like it's my first try.  I want everything to look like I've been doing it for years.  Luckily, I learn quickly, and am very good with tactile mediums.

However, I see those flaws.  I see what they should be, and what they are, and it makes me hate what I make more often than not. 

Right now though, I'm too busy to waste time worrying about everything.  My family keeps pressing my timetable of shit to do for them, while I still have things to make for me to give to others.  Top that off with the gnome again dicking me around, and the beast to take care of, and I might be able to breathe some time after Christmas.

Thursday, December 04, 2014

Bah Humbug (vanilla)

The holidays are never really a happy joyous time for me.  They often just act as a reminder of how unbalanced things are with my parents, and a cultivator of stress.

This year is acting as no exception.

My mother decided that me making gifts is cheaper than buying them so for three weeks I did nothing but crochet, when I had my own things to work on.  My hands got to the point where they ached, but my constantly throwing finished products at my mother had her more or less off my back.  My father however thinks that I just look at yarn and it magically transforms though, so he's constantly trying to get me to do things that would honestly just create more work than help.

I've taken over most of the holiday preparations as a whole.  I'm currently in the midst of the cookiepocalypse, and losing even more time to work on my own things.

Really lately I find that I'm so busy working on things for my family while being dragged down by them, that I'm losing myself in the process.  I want to have time to work on my own things away from here and actually enjoy some time to myself.

Hopefully something happens to spark my inspiration, and break this home driven rut soon.