Thursday, December 31, 2015

One more down

It's the end of another year, and so, time to reflect on everything that's happened.

I've learned that everyone I'm directly related to is toxic.

That I was raised with no idea of what a healthy relationship was.

That I will never be acknowledged as a person by my parents, and subsequently it teaches my daughter to do the same.

I reconnected with one of the best people ever to come into my life.

I discovered that I am poly, when I have healthy relationships around.

I got into better shape, expanded my flexibility, and taught myself to do new things.

My skills in a lot of arts were pushed, and I learned a lot.

There were many new adventures, which were fantastic experiences.

I was cared for, which is far beyond what I have at home.

I tried as much as I possibly could to be a supportive partner, and take care of those important to me.


Sunday, December 27, 2015

Unwanted Adventure

I'm feeling emotionally torn apart.  Between Lux, and Kitty right now, I have a lot of stuff taking up my energy.

Kitty has a primary that he lives with.  She is in the military for medicine, and is about to start her residency.  Well, she recently got her assignment.

They were expecting something that would have them relocating just about an hour away for it to be more convenient.  She had also interviewed near where her other partner lives, across the country, where she went to college, and near his brother, again on the west coast.  I wasn't the happiest about any of those, because they all put him farther away from me, and I do enjoy spending time with my kitty.

However, despite the planning, she was stationed somewhere else.  All the way down in Florida.  Where none of us know anyone to point them towards a social circle, or help them build a life.  And where Kitty has very little chance of finding a job in his field, or a good option for a masters program as a backup. 

They have six months to get set up until she has to start there.

And so, this soon after he becomes so important to me again, and where we actually feel comfortable expressing it properly, he is being taken further away from me.  I worry so much that it'll make him fall away, and that I'll lose him again. 

I know that if we've managed to get this far with the same attachment and stay together, nothing is going to tear us apart, but sometimes I am paranoid.  It always seems like only the toxic people stay around.


Thursday, December 24, 2015

Bah Humbug

If you haven't gotten it yet, I'm not a big fan of the holidays.  They seriously drain me, provide a massive amount of stress, and in general make me rather cranky. 

And to top it off, my family has a tendency of forgetting me around this time of year.  Treating me more like shit than usual, but ignoring, and forgetting about me.  Mind you, I'm not the materialistic type.  I don't want much, usually because anything I'm told I'll get by most never happens, or I'm told no to things I need.  It's how I grew up, and it's always a bit of a shock to find out how abnormal it is.

But, as you can see, this sort of environment doesn't make for much Christmas spirit.  It's why I'd get so upset with Thrax, when he'd literally spend thousands on Bit (usually on things from my wishlists, or that he'd previously promised me), then realize he forgot to get me anything, and yell at me that I was wrong and he was waiting for it to show if I asked, then finally admit he had no money because he spent it all on her and couldn't delay any longer.

It wasn't the money, it was being forgotten.  It was seeing these other people who are blatantly negative sources being showered, and after doing everything possible for them, not even being considered.  And then to be lied to, or given excuses, or put down for questioning, just makes me feel worse.

I don't even really need gifts honestly, just acknowledgement.  To be told I'm important, and being considered and respected.  Probably a massive part of why I do so much for others is because I just want that respect and some simple care in return.

Which, I'll be spending a good lot of time with Lux soon, and being spoiled and content with him.  Exactly what I want and need.


Sunday, December 20, 2015

Away

Recently, I saw a game that was more like going for a weird emotional ride.  A game that showed things from back in the day of using AIM, and editting thoughts or backing out of things as you went along.  Of unspoken feelings, and lost opportunities.

And, a year ago, it would have hit me really hard.  The game is about the protagonist, and his best friend, a girl, and their conversations from the end of high school and the subsequent few years following.  He never says how he feels, and sees her leave, winding up with someone who is likely emotionally abusive, and losing that friendship.

And, a year ago, I had thought Kitty was near out of my life permanently.  He was with someone who was jealous, and controlling, and had moved in order to further his life in a way that he couldn't here.  He knew how much I cared, but I thought that I'd lost him from my life.

And at the same time, a year ago Lux had just recently moved, and I was seeing him less often.  We were making a lot of progress to get over both our brainmonkeys, but I was still worried he was going to leave.

But, this year, and upon seeing it, I have them both.  Maybe not with me as often as I'd like, but they're right with me, and they both know how much they mean to me, and I know that I'm important to both of them.  And, with how seldom I wind up developing any feelings toward anyone, it's been rare that I've had an attachment with anyone who didn't have it with me. 

The people who have been the closest in my life are pretty much stuck with me, and while a lot of people don't get that, it means that games like this just don't hit me.


Thursday, December 17, 2015

Insanity

Lately, I barely have time to breathe.  This time of year is always busy for me, trying to make happen everything my family needs, and consequently getting shit on.  Hooray.

We celebrate Channukah as well as Christmas, so when Thanksgiving comes around, we're pretty much in constant holiday prep, and guess who is constantly cleaning up messes and doing the work.

The cookiepocalypse is in full swing, and so I've been baking nonstop, and working on a few other things.  Doing this around holiday logistics is less than fun, but luckily there is only a little while longer to deal with it.

This time of year always has my stress levels through the roof.  It fucks with my cycle and always has me feeling wonky.  To top it off, Lux and Kitty are both so swamped at work that I barely hear from them, and it just drags me down more. 

Soon though, the holidays will be done, and I'll have time with the people I really care about, and it'll make things much better.


Sunday, December 13, 2015

Masochism

The last few weeks I've been waist deep in projects.  Not just any projects mind you, but very detailed, time consuming, and intricate projects.  Things that kill my hands, make me feel exhausted, and sometimes are just overwhelming. 

I made my father a snuggly couch blanket.  Contrasting colors that vibrate, and it's a good size to curl up with.  It was almost a month of working on it for two hours a day.

I made kitty and his primary some plushies.  New patterns for me, and plushies are always a bit of a pain.  Making sure everything is the right size, and lined up correctly is difficult.  They loved them though.

Since the summer, I've been working on a set of blankets.  Star wars blankets, comprised of two dozen separate panels, each featuring a different picture.  They're finally in the finishing phases, and have been a major source of frustration.

I made Lux what I simply referred to as the masochistic project when I talked to him.  A tapestry crochet that I did with thread, that was over 11000 stitches.  Doing more than five rows at a sitting made my hands ache, and so I had to move slowly on it.

Sometimes, service is masochism.  And for some reason, I'm drawn to it.


Thursday, December 10, 2015

Literal

I see graphics, and captions, and posts and comments with this all the time.  It's a constant, and has become standard terminology for the vast majority of the country.  And for some reason, the words never stick with me.

Things with the words "Every good girl has a bad side" or "Find a girl who is naughty just for you".  And, I just don't read it the same way most people do. 

My incredibly high sex drive isn't bad.  My enjoyment of sucking cock isn't bad, and my sadomasochism isn't naughty.  These things are simply part of me, and I never use them in an ill manner.

Telling me that I'm bad will simply make me not want to share that part with you.  It becomes hidden like so much of me does to the vast majority of people.  Saying I'm bad is telling me I'm doing something you don't like, and considering that it's often said with a boner in hand, it's telling me something very different.  Being bad is causing harm.  It's ignoring you, disrespecting you, and violating consent.

Tell me I'm good.  Tell me I'm devious, but well behaved, and that attitude makes you want to hurt me because I've been obedient when it mattered.  Say that my uninhibited sexuality, and comfort being me turns you on, and that you enjoy me showing that to you.  Encourage me with positivity to bring out more of what you like, and what is indeed good. 

You don't want to bring out my bad side.  That is full of things no one wants to go near.  It results in the need for wood chipper.

Encourage me to be me.  Tell me I'm good, and you'll see what you enjoy a whole lot more.


Monday, December 07, 2015

Much Needed

Last weekend Lux came to visit after spending the holiday with his parents.  And it couldn't have come at a better time.  We've both been at our limits with other people, and needed time to just enjoy each other.

Up until a few days before, I didn't even know if he'd be visiting.  His parents have been wonky about him spending time with me for some really weird reasons, and it has caused him to have to do things he doesn't want to in order to keep the peace with them.  A part of me was really afraid that he'd opt for the entire time with them just to make them happy.

And, when the weekend came, I thought they were playing games to keep him there, and from seeing me.  Not giving him an answer of whether they needed him to do anything, and stopping him from leaving.  Luckily, he's so much better than that, and made it over early in the afternoon, fried with them, and ready to relax with me for a day and let off some steam.  He apparently put his foot down about spending time with me, and that couldn't make me happier.  I hate seeing them bully him at all.

It goes without saying that there was a lot of sex, and probably could have been a lot more, which neither of us would have complained about.  We also intended to have some manner of playtime while together, which I talked about last time.

Well he hit me with the thumper a lot.  Never hard, but enough that he recognized it would suck to him, and instead of it turning into an intense beating, we started giggling, and he just coredumped a lot to level out and release stress.  He never stopped hitting me mind you, but it was absolutely a product of the relationship we have compared to anyone else.  He explained that he only does this with me, and having known that, it made the time a bit more meaningful than a serious beating.

Of course, because he is a paranoid, he brought it up at breakfast the next morning.  That he felt badly for not following through after I asked for play time.  I assured him, that knowing how intimate that time was, in the very specific sense of the word, that it meant a lot, I enjoyed every minute, and that he should feel no problem with me being left wanting.  I'll never complain about being left a bruised up mess, but sometimes taking care of your partner is more important, and something to be cherished at the same time.

We also discussed spending a week together over Christmas which has me incredibly excited.  I was setting up a backup plan to see Kitty, be we already have plans for a weekend in January in the works, so I will absolutely grab this extended time with Lux.

It's still difficult to balance the two of them, but I'm really happy with how things were with Lux while he was here.  I am so lucky to have him around.


Thursday, December 03, 2015

Take Away

I have no problem at this point saying that Thrax was abusive, neglectful, and an all around asshat.  He would constantly tell me how he wanted to play with, and fuck other girls, then tell me I wanted too much sex and play.  And by too much, it meant any at all.  We almost completely stopped playing once we were actually dating, and even though I would ask, and express interest, without it being constant, he would constantly make excuses, and tell me I was being irritating.  Every so often to shut me up, he would throw my cuffs on me, and do something outside of out broken record of sex, which usually just meant me bending over the bed instead of being on top.

Needless to say, this had me feeling more undesirable than usual, neglected, and lonely.  I felt like shit in regards to how he wanted to play with everyone else but me.

I mentioned last week about how Lux has had trouble kicking himself in the ass enough to quit hiding from play.  It'd been a really long time since we'd had any play by ourselves, and even though I knew exactly why, it didn't mean I didn't want to enjoy time playing with him. 

And, in the last while, he's played with Nessa, and recently played with someone new who had asked, and was supposed to play with someone else.  In that moment, I playfully made a selfish comment, as I'm fine with him playing with other people, but sometimes I do feel like being greedy and possessive of Lux, in a very aware and affectionate way of course, which is never beyond his comfort.

And when he brought it up, I said that it in some odd way felt like Thrax, even though I knew the situation was drastically different.  I didn't want to be selfish and throw a tantrum, or be annoying, but told him that the kick in the ass for play was turning a bit into self care as well.

If I haven't mentioned it before, Lux is amazing.  He didn't get upset with what I said, and let me dump thoughts and explain, and said that he sort of anticipated this happening at some point, and was trying to figure out how to go about play over Thanksgiving weekend.  We discussed the options available, and honestly just his being aware and open made me feel so much more comfortable.

There's so much that Thrax put me through that there is no real way to get over until I work through it with someone else.  However, I've got a wonderful Lux who is very patient with me to help with every bit.


Sunday, November 29, 2015

Closeted

Last weekend, I had to sit for my pseudo nephew while his father, who I refer to as an older brother, because he's been in my life since I was born helped my parents with something.  While waiting for a third person to show up, said older brother said I needed to supply anime, and we'd get booze later and have a night to bs.

And, it wasn't bad.  I picked out the booze, so nothing weird or gross was there. 

You know how most people get drunk, and feel relaxed, or have less inhibition?  Well, I lose motor function and that's it.  I actually get a bit more uptight sometimes because I get frustrated over that lack of physical ability.  I kept texting Lux saying how I don't understand why people enjoy being drunk.  I drink because I enjoy the taste of booze, but for me it's like having a piece of cake.  Every so often I want some, but after a serving, the craving is gone. 

Normally, he's used to only seeing me around my parents.  Which means I'm censoring the vast majority of what I would normally say.  Because I'm away from them, the conversation is just me.  Which means it's all weaving around in whatever direction it goes, and I'm completely unphased by everything.

He asks the very vanilla questions of sexual conquest.  Am I bisexual, or am do I like threesomes.  Am I into dual penetration, or do I like being spanked.  He was surprised my answers to most of these were a very settled and self aware no, with the simple comment that I often have to wear pants and long sleeves for a reason.

Then he started prodding.  Have I ever been attracted to him.  Am I sure.  Grilling me.  And I turn him down each time.  He is very not my type on any level, and he's so in my head as a brother, that my mind doesn't even process the concept.  And then I flat out say that between my two partners, I'm not looking to do anything sexual with anyone else.

He asks what I mean by two.  And I say that while neither Lux nor Kitty are my boyfriend, they are both very important people in my life, and we do have serious relationships, in whatever wibbly form they may be.  He looks at me, and tries to process this and understand it.  I tell him it's not something my parents know, and they shouldn't.

But, especially with this, maybe they should soon.  I may need to open that awkward can of worms at some point, and tell them that Kitty and I have had a very similar sort of thing that Lux and I have now for a long time.

And then deal with them shoving down my throat how I'm being a shitty person, leading them both on, and cheating on them.  Then saying I'm destroying Kitty's relationship at home, and all manner of misunderstood things.  But it might become necessary. 

I don't hide affection with Lux.  We snuggle around family, hold hands, give small kisses, and all the other tiny displays of affection.  And I do similar with Kitty.  It was part of why my parents hated him when I was a teenager, and if they see that affection now, it's going to force that conversation.

I can also only hide marks from two sadists for so long as well.  I'm not about to tell them not to hurt me, because it's fun, and we all enjoy it.  It's very likely they'll catch minor burn marks on me from Kitty though, or knuckle bruises on my hips from Lux, or bite marks on my chest from both of them.  Usually I tell some story that often isn't a total lie to distract her, but burns are a little hard to figure out a cover up for, as are obvious knuckle marks. 

They'll likely see me as some demented piece of shit after they find out, but they already treat me like one, and tell me that I'm one, so it's not like it can get much worse.


Thursday, November 26, 2015

Obligatory Turkey Day Post!

As is appropriate every year on Thanksgiving, the following is a collection of what I am thankful for.

* Self awareness, and the ability to learn and grow within myself
* The best support structure I've ever had in life, in the form of a fantastic domly dragon, and the return of my wonderful kitty, each of which have their own place in my life which no standard title would ever fit what they are to me
* The realization that I am apparently poly, but just really picky.  And apparently should trust my type
* Having seen and felt the effects of unbalanced and inconsiderate assholish poly, so that I have a better knowledge of the importance of the care I need to put into those in my life
* Adventures, which help me experience new things, and build memories
* A talent with the arts that will have me constantly making leaps and strides in my work
* The ability to cook, and bake, and an enjoyment in doing so that brings people together
* The inspiration to go do and see all sorts of new things
* Being service oriented, and getting to take care of those important to me as often as I can
* Slowly but surely trying to distance myself from the toxic people who have been in my life

This has been a really difficult year for me in a lot of ways, but really amazing in some others.  Here's hoping the next year gives me far more to be thankful for, with the same wonderful people.


Sunday, November 22, 2015

Dealing with Doms

Shortly after Lux and I started hanging out, he went through a breakup.  As most somewhat unexpected ends to relationships will do, this left him in an odd mental state, feeling rather reluctant to indulge in the things he experienced in that relationship, and blamed himself, and those things as a part of the break.  A good bulk of these things had to do with power exchange, and sadism, which while sometimes present in our lives together, it's at a very surface level, and just the smallest taste before he needs reassurance that we're both ok, and that no damage has been done.

Given that I was also fresh off the breakup with Thrax, this left me in no mood to be submissive, and so I was fine with the lack of power exchange, and happy to build a solid egalitarian friendship to see where it evolved.  As time went on though, accidental dynamics occurred, and became more prevalent.  We acknowledged their existence, and while he would tell me he craved power exchange, and spoke of it with others, it barely peeked it's head out with us. 

Slowly but surely though, it built it's way up.  Very few rules, because we didn't need them, but it was there, and becoming a more and more regular occurrence to our day.  He'd suggest moving forward with it even, and at one point, told me he'd been thinking about me with his collar. 

And then, everything with Nessa started occurring.  She ran away, and despite my still being right there taking care of him, he again became reluctant.  Power exchange barely became a mention, and his sadism locked away. 

And, it becomes this frustrating, worrying, ball of stuff.  I want to know what I can do to help, and what will inspire this side of him again.  I want him to know that he is safe with me, and I'm never going to just up and leave.  I want him to know that he's not to blame for them doing what they did, and that he did nothing wrong.

And then I worry.  I worry that he's going to see me being with Kitty, and despite our rule that's in place, I'm going to drop my dynamic with him for someone else who has actively expressed an interest in power exchange.  That I'm trading him in for someone else, who does everything that he won't anymore.

And this, by the way, isn't the case in the slightest.  I'm very happy belonging to Lux even with his reluctance, and we've discussed trying to get him moving more forcefully toward those aspects of himself again.  Not due to selfishness on my part, but because seeing him mentally struggle like this makes me feel badly.  That he should have someone safe to be himself with.  I know I don't take much work or active dominance to be submissive, but it is something we both enjoy, and when I see him comfortable indulging in that, it makes me incredibly happy.


Thursday, November 19, 2015

Not Cookie Cutter

While Kitty and I were having dinner together, I explained my friendship with Zero.  About how he's a very natural beta type personality, and sees me as his alpha, which is why I'm usually the person with him when he tries going somewhere.  Kitty remarked that he doesn't see me as an alpha type, because I've always acted as a sidekick in his eyes.

And with him, yes, I've always been there right next to him helping.  I'm an extra set of hands, because he is motivated, and driven, but sometimes needs that unspoken coordination of a well oiled machine.

I strive not to be the alpha who simply marches around wanting to be in charge, but rather one that does what is necessary to build up, and inspire those I care about.  It's not a matter of power exchange, although that can become part of it, but rather a small part of the service which shows that I care about someone.

Lux needs someone who can make decisions sometimes.  Someone who will kick him in the butt, keep his thoughts straight, and inspire ideas.  At the end of the day, he's in charge, but if left to his own devices, more often than not, he'll choose to snuggle and play video games, rather than doing things we both know he'd enjoy and get more out of.

Zero needs someone present to make him do things.  He becomes reclusive and loses out on seeing things that would inspire him, or getting that mental escape from routine, and his own thoughts.  I step in to be in charge, and he relaxes, and shines.

It's not at all a case where I'm putting myself in the lead because I need to be.  I want people standing next to me.  To build them up to where we become greater together, rather than one standing on the other, for selfish gain. 

I'm here to see those I care about thrive, and I do what is necessary to make that happen.  That job is different for everyone, and being an alpha means being able to change and adapt with each and remain myself in the process.


Sunday, November 15, 2015

Accidents happen

Long ago, back in my teenage years I was pretty self aware, though less than I am now.  More of a sociopath, without the proper channeling, used it often as a weapon rather than an aid.

I dated a few boys in my teens, and none of them lasted very long.  To be honest, I would tell myself that I'd been single for a while, and find a boy to date to shut everyone up.  These were boys I had very little attachment to, and hadn't really been friends with beforehand.  After a few weeks, they'd be gone, usually because they couldn't understand how cold and overly logical I tend to be.

And through all but my first boyfriend, Kitty was there.  He was my best friend through it all, and I've felt the exact same about him since I was 16.  Often, when people would see he and I out together, they'd ask if we were dating, or something similar.  I'd laugh, say that he has a girlfriend at home, I have a boyfriend, but that he was way more important.  We wouldn't fool around during those shorter relationships (even though it was hard to keep from doing so sometimes) but he was still someone I talked to everyday, and told everything to.  Someone who made me smile just by holding his hand, and knowing who I was at the time, wasn't going to risk losing that by actually dating him.

And then I got into my relationship with the gnome, which was right around when Kitty was getting married.  And we saw how that lasted.  Then Thrax, far too soon out of the breakup, and into another unhealthy situation.  And all those times, when Kitty appeared, and we'd talk, I felt exactly the same.  The same attachment and affection I had as a teenager.  I thought that was just what best friends felt like.  And, damn, if they ever feel like something different, I'm pretty sure they're doing it wrong.

And then Lux comes around, and our friendship moves slowly and comfortably.  There's time to learn each other, rather than just throwing ourselves into things.  And, feels happen.  Very similar feels, that eventually help accidental dynamics to come about, and build a solid, healthy relationship, void of titles, and without the need for there to really be any.

Then Kitty comes back, and needs me to be an important and healthy part of his life again.  I'm overjoyed, and at first, I clearly feel that difference between my feels.  One is my best friend, and the other is a primary partner.  They have very different roles, and I should be attached to both of them.

Well, jokingly, after my weekend with Kitty, I asked if we counted as being long term partners.  He said the term partner felt a little less affectionate than how we are, but he does consider us in a long term relationship.

Can you accidentally poly?  I'm pretty sure I just managed. 

Perhaps through all those relationships, I had real feels for Kitty, and not anyone else.  I rebounded off him when he left, and only when I found another healthy dynamic did real feels occur for someone else.  Which is why I've always thought I was monoamorous.  Because I was rebound crushing on one person at a time, rather than actually waiting to find real feels, and determine the difference.

Maybe Kitty was right when he said that I make good choices when I stick to my actual type.  Because somehow, I've managed to accidentally poly and have two wibblywobbly relationships with both the most amazing, and healthy people to ever be in my life.  They're both long distance, but I don't care.  They're too important for that to have any impact.

And, dear gods it makes me nervous.  They both make me incredibly happy, and I want to be able to balance the two of them and build upon the wonderful things they have.  I've never had to consider balancing more than one whatever it is before.  And just figuring out that I'm apparently polyamorous at all is this weird thing that I need to come to grips with.

Feels are weird.  But I'm going to do what I can to be the best possible for myself, and the important people I keep with me.


Thursday, November 12, 2015

Kittybox

Last weekend was my first time seeing Kitty in far too many years.  And it was probably something close to being out of a storybook.  We were best friends that were a hair away from a very serious relationship for reasons on both sides.  We were the support structure for each other, and even though we'd bash heads once in a while, it was because we simply hadn't learned to communicate properly with each other, and shortly after, we'd be back to our snuggly giggly normal.

Falling back into what had so naturally was almost surreal.  Like time apart didn't matter, and even though we had these experiences without the other there, it didn't affect us at all.  The only difference I noticed was us not holding hands constantly, but we took every possible chance to snuggle and hug and have all the little affectionate touches that help us both.

While we threw around a bunch of ideas of things to do, we wound up wandering Philly, babbling about random things, and going right back to where we were.  I was surprised that even my speech patterns fell into what they used to do with him.  Hugs were as comforting as they've ever been, and he brought out every bit of my snark.

We talked about everything.  Our past, hobbies, random thoughts, what we are now, and it just flowed.  It was fantastic, and more often than not, we smiled through the entire thing.  At one point we tried to figure out how to explain whatever it is we have together, and just couldn't put a correct term on it.  Much like Lux, we have this weird thing where it has everything a healthy relationship should have, but no titles or actual definition.  The only difference is that Kitty is far more long term at this point. 

And yes, I realize I have a type, and that Lux and Kitty are incredibly similar.  At one point I joked that my healthiest relationships are the ones I never really dated.  He also said that when I stick to my type, I tend to make good decisions though.

They both made the same dopey grin at this line.  Oh, I have a type, and I like it.

It was weird, and fantastic, and has me giddy and inspired.  At one point we were stopped and asked when we were getting married.  We laughed in their face, and afterwards sat and giggled about it.  While we've never had titles, we've always been close.  He said maybe simply claiming hetero life mates, which is probably the best thing we could describe it as.  He's been an important person in my life for longer than anyone else, and for nearly half my life at this point.  With how things are going, that could be accurate, but I seriously doubt we'll ever be primaries or have any sort of serious romantic thing.

I also had to think of how to explain Lux.  Who is simple enough to explain in a kink sense of being my primary and my domlyperson, but even though he's found a box he feels comfortable in, and will be in my life and important to me for a very long time, we have no real way to explain that space.

After we were done wandering on Saturday, Kitty tried to actually figure out my pain tolerance.  The joint locks and pressure points that worked on his other partners, putting them on the floor, didn't make me flinch.  He realized that in order to actually hurt me, he has to work.  I told this to Lux later, and his response was simply "No shit, Sherlock". 

Kitty settled with being able to bite me, and try to lift me off the bed.  He also discovered any really fleshy parts are clear to punch without remorse, and I'm now covered in bruises.  We also wound up having sex, which was fun, and while I felt unsure about it going into the weekend, it felt right at the time, and definitely relaxed us both after.

When we started saying goodbye, he told me to ask Lux to visit and give me a hug.  I think it was the only time I listened to him all weekend.  Lux did show up though, so I got to see and hug both the most important people in my life.

This weekend made me realize exactly how lucky I am for the people in my life, and how I wish I knew exactly how to express how grateful I am for it.


Sunday, November 08, 2015

Comfort

The weekend of Halloween was hectic to say the least.  While at the beast's parade at school, my mother tripped on the blacktop, and wound up breaking her wrist.  Which means I've had to take over everything for a house where I'm treated like complete shit.

Now, it's rather obvious that for me service is a form of affection.  It's how I show I care, and it comes naturally, and near effortlessly for those I'm close to.

For environments like the one I live in aren't the case for this though.  It's psychologically similar to having to fuck a stranger at gunpoint on camera while being ordered about the whole time if the person were vanilla.  And while that sounds dramatic, it's honest.

Luckily, I hade Lux here over the weekend, who provided me much needed snuggles the entire time he was here.  He could tell how off I was, and kept being sure to hug me and make me smile.  It was such a tremendous help, and without him there, I would have been a total mess.

Yes, I know it sounds simple, but it's all I needed.  Someone to just be there, not barking orders, but still keeping me on track, and just being aware of the state I'm in.  It's something so few people manage, and I'm incredibly grateful for when it does happen.  It's given me drive through the week, and made me feel better about stepping up to everything going on.

There are times when power exchange is a comfort, and this is one of them.  Luckily, I have a wonderful domlydom to keep me in check, whether he's aware or not.


Thursday, November 05, 2015

Pushing

So, one of my oldest friends has in the last couple years decided that he wants to open his relationship into a poly dynamic.  He is interested in the idea of a closed poly situation, where the larger number of partners becomes almost like a supportive net instead of only having one partner to go to.

And in all of these years since, he's yet to actually put out the effort to try and find a third.  He has no experience with polyamory, other than the concept, and things he reads. 

I happen to follow one of his blogs, and with regular consistency he posts all this pro-poly stuff.  And that's cool.  I have no issue with it.  But what I don't like is when he starts reposting things that regularly put poly situations above mono ones.  Saying that monogamous, or monoarmorous dynamics are inferior or wrong.  To spout this when he's been stubborning through an emotionally abusive relationship with one partner for over a decade now, is basically his way of saying he'd rather stay with a situation no one else is going to want to go near, than actually try and find this closed poly ideal.

No dynamic is better than any other one in the grand scale.  Some people are meant for one devoted partner through their lives, some never have a serious partner, but a dozen casual ones.  It doesn't make either one better.  I mean, hell, I'm monoamorous.  I have feels for one person at a time.  That's it.  Even if I have other play partners or important people in my life, there is only ever feels for one person.  It's not society pushing for that, just how I'm wired. I'm not hiding anything, or just haven't met the right people.  This is how my brain reacts.  And there's nothing wrong with that.

And I have no issue with poly folk.  Anyone who has the ability to balance and juggle feels and relationships with multiple people at once get credit from me.  Even Lux is poly, and has always balanced myself with whoever else is around rather well.  It is a very comforting thing that makes for a happy dynamic, and that's wonderful.

Shitting on something and glorifying the concept of something else that you have no real world experience with isn't cool though.  Considering he has no idea how he'll even feel about it if it were to happen, that's where the problem is.


Sunday, November 01, 2015

Life is Strange

So, a while ago I was watching the end of a game.  One of those story style games where you choose what your character says or does, and the actions and story around you are molded by your choices. 

The basic plot is that you are a girl at an art school in her home town.  You decide to go there so you can find your old best friend again, after being apart for a few years.  Another girl has gone missing, and so you're trying to find out about that, and discover that you have the ability to rewind time.

And when you meet your bestie again, and constantly throughout the story, you're saving her from dying.  You do everything you can, and even in the last episode of the game, you spend half the time rewriting the entire story just to save her.

And then the final decision comes.  As you watch a storm destroying your home town, you stand hand in hand with the one person who knows you, and has been there the entire time, and you have to decide whether to go back and let her die where she was in the very beginning of the game, or let the town get destroyed, and keep the person you love most.

The playthrough I watched first sacrificed the town.  So, of course, I had to see the other ending.  Which shows you sitting huddled in a dorm bathroom listening to your best friend getting shot, and not being able to make a sound.  Having to explain to her parents that there was no way to stop it. 

Needless to say, it's one of few things that'll give me feels.

Because dear gods, I would let the world burn before I'd ever let anything happen to the important people in my life.  It may be considered selfish, but I don't care.  There are only so many people I'll ever actually be lucky to have in my life, and I never want to lose them. 

I'm slightly protective, if you haven't guessed.  And while I don't get quite so attached very often, when I do it's with everything I have.  I'm the type that goes into a bloodrage when anyone attacks those I care about, purposefully or otherwise.

I'm very aware of who is worth keeping in my life, and so many people wear masks now, or avoid being close, or treat life like it can be a lie.  The people who show up and are just themselves find a space.  A space where it just feels like they should be, and I would never do anything to remove them from that place.


Thursday, October 29, 2015

Excite!

The next two weekends have managed to keep my mood from being total garbage lately with how things at home have been.  I'm really looking forward to them, and the positive effect they should have on me. 

This coming weekend is Halloween, and Lux is coming to visit.  We had thought about going to something nearby, but from the sound of things, we'll just be spending time together relaxing.  The only thing we've decided we need to do, is snuggle up with blankets and coffee and be crotchety old people with pipes.  Possibly while handing out candy, as my sister has off of work specifically to take the beast trick-or-treating.  I also intend to do a lot of cooking, as tradition on Halloween says that when everyone is out harvesting candy, some food must be made which is easy to just grab whenever people get hungry.  Usually my mother would make hotdogs and chili, but I'm thinking a couple different kinds of soup, and bread.  Maybe if everyone is in I'll make a mountain of grilled cheese.  Keeps the monsters away from candy, and it's warm cozy comfort food that comes together quickly.

It should be the relaxing weekend we both need lately.

The weekend after though, Kitty is coming to visit for the first time in years.  He was in a very unhealthy relationship, which in his attempt to stubborn through, he had minimal contact with me.  We mostly just intend to catch up and enjoy time actually with each other again, but it has me so excited just to see him again.  I'm pretty certain the furthest we've gotten into planning is burning some stuff, possibly having some of his homebrew, and there's been the possibility of us playing in some fashion.  I've already cleared that with Lux, but I'm still not sure if anything will happen. 

It's been a pretty long while since I've done anything with someone that isn't Lux.  Two years since I've bottomed for anyone else, a year and a half since I've topped anyone privately, and almost two years since I've had sex with anyone else.  It's at the point where even though I'm comfortable with the idea of playing with others, I'm very used to that not being the case. 

Oh well, if there's going to be anyone that knocks me off my track of mono, it should be Kitty.  Better someone I'm comfy with than a random person, or someone I'm not as familiar with.


Sunday, October 25, 2015

Same Track

Recently, Kitty and I were talking about how we want to continue working towards getting into better shape.  He jokingly said he needs to find a good source of cardio, and I of course responded with saying he should just ask his primary to help, now that they live together.

He responded by saying that it wasn't that easy, and that his sex drive is so high is causes problems, and that he's probably clinically fucked up for how high it is.

Become super protective and caring of my best friend you say?  That's exactly what happened.

I remembered him saying he had an abnormally high libido way back when we first started having sex.  Having had no idea what the "normal" range was at that point, and not knowing where I fell on the spectrum, I didn't realize that I was just as abnormal as he was.  He would tell me that it was causing issues with the relationship he was in at the time, and that he was used to it.

And, I suppose this issue is almost expected for guys, which is why he seemed to just take it in stride, and why Lux has as well.  It shouldn't be something to feel bad about for anyone though.  I very quickly informed him that I have had the same issue as him, and that it hits the point of awkward as a female.  He joked that it's probably why we work so well.

It certainly doesn't hurt, to be honest.

I had to be sure to drive home that it isn't something wrong with him, and that so long as he can respect his partners, he should never feel badly about it.  And should things not work with this current primary, he may want to make that something that he looks for in a future one.

The idea of being in a long term serious relationship with someone who can't keep up with me sexually at this point just seems doomed.  It may not be the absolute most important thing, but it's something that will creep up and about over time, and eventually become a serious issue.

It's probably not a coincidence that the two closest people in my life happen to be damn near nymphomaniacs.  It's all part of being on the same wavelength and meshing together.


Thursday, October 22, 2015

Boredboredbored

I read an article the other day that had a ton of confessions about sex.  How people feel while having sex with their partners, and it was all very sad to see how unhappy so many people are with the sex they have.

The most common complaint was that they get bored.  That they don't have fun with their partners, don't enjoy the sex, and so they distract themselves by going through other thoughts.

And, this is sad, for all parties involved.  Sure, we should all want our partners to have fun, and do what we can to make that happen, but if they don't communicate, or just brush off the possibility of making things better, that's their fault too. 

Admittedly, I got incredibly bored during sex with both Thrax and the gnome.  Not only was all sex this rushed chore, but it was the exact same thing every time, like a broken record.  And when you basically are just going through the motions like your morning routine, sex isn't going to be fun.

Both of them also blatently would tell me they didn't care when I brought this up.  Communication wouldn't fix it. 

So, the next possible solution was to take things into my own hands.  I tried to do what I could to make things more fun, because it's my responsibility to have myself enjoy sex too.  Both those partners just yelled at me, and tried to put me down in these cases. 

If the sex you have with your partner makes you bored, don't give up.  Push the issue, and do everything you can to have fun.  If they don't want to be sure you're enjoying things too, then they definitely shouldn't be having sex with you, or have any important role in your life.  Don't let yourself settle for shitty, lackluster sexytimes.


Sunday, October 18, 2015

Boxes

I've posted on here before that I don't believe in looking for people to fill specific roles in my life, but rather seeing simply what spot they make themselves comfy in.  I've described this to people as seeing if there is a box they decide they enjoy climbing into, and then they put a label on whatever relationship we have together.  It's why I frequently give people nicknames, rather than more traditional titles.

Well, Lux came to visit last weekend, and while he was supposed to spend the night, he decided to just stop by for a while because of an issue with his parents.  While explaining to me what was going on, he referred to me as his best friend, which made me simultaneously incredibly proud, and cared for, but also a bit sad.  I always say that Kitty is my best friend because he was for the longest time.  It was the healthiest, most supportive relationship I'd had for such a long period of my life.

And now Lux is such an important person to me, and for a long time now.  He's caring and supportive and aware, and just as positive and healthy for me as Kitty has ever been, if not then more. 

But I've told Kitty that he's my best friend until he's gone, and having two best friends sort of defeats the point of the term best.

So I feel badly, because I don't give Lux the same role in my life that he does for me.  In a way though, he's managed to put himself in a far more important box.  He's my primary partner (even if I don't currently have multiple), who gets to be top priority for me, and the domly person who I belong to, and the only person who has control over me. 

Having these beautiful and healthy relationships in my life is something I'm still getting used to.  And I can't express how grateful I am for both of them.


Thursday, October 15, 2015

Different worlds

Long ago, shortly after my grandmother passed away, my mother got my dad his obnoxiously huge tv for being patient during all the running around to nursing homes, and doctors, and packing, and legal stuff.  Well, when he picked one out, and it arrived at the house, the picture was nowhere near the quality it should have been. 
We went back to the store, and my dad tried to return it, only to start arguing over return policies and crap.  My mother looks at me, leans over, and says "The boy in charge of the department right now has been checking you out.  You should go flirt with him, and get them to take back the tv."

To which I asked my mom if she was on drugs, and ignored her.  For many reasons.  A significant part of which is because I have no idea how to flirt.  It would also be a seriously dick move to try and manipulate some boy, just to do something for my parents. 

Story ends with someone else walking in, and explaining that the particular cables that come with that model tv were shit, and he just needed some better ones.  Simple fix.  But that's not what this is about.

So, the last couple weeks, my mother has gotten chinese delivery for us for lunch on our particularly busy days.  Both times, the same guy brought our food.  And both times, my mother has had the same reaction. 

"That is a very handsome boy.  You should have answered the door."

I... the fuck?  What would it have done?  Let alone, as I saw the boy walking away both times, I've seen that he is in no way my preferred physical type.  Even if that matters fairly minimally, this boy is super lumpy, which is a total turn off.  He'd probably be Lux's type.

Hey Lux, next time you visit, we should order chinese. And do horrible felonious things.

I also would just look at him like a person.  I'd take my lunch, hand him money, and that'd be it.  He'd be treated no differently than any other person in the world, because I wouldn't see him any differently from any other person.

My mom has this odd idea of how I'm supposed to treat guys, and what I'm like with them.

Through my teens she constantly told me not to be friends with guys, because they only wanted sex.  She also told me that I should have boys do everything for me.

Fast forward to today, and most of my friends are guys, and the vast majority I've never done anything with.  The ones she swore were just trying to get into my pants are some of the closest people in my life.  I do as much as I possibly can, and hate asking anyone for anything. 

The world of interaction my mother lives in is very different from who I have ever been.  And I have to say, I'm so glad I never listened to how she tried to get me to behave.


Sunday, October 11, 2015

Simple Seasons

With it now being fall, I've been looking at what I want to accomplish in the next few months.  What places I want to go to, things to make, and general ideas and goals.  It's a normal thing that I do with the changing seasons to keep organized.

There's quite a few things I want to cook and bake now that it's cooler out, and there's a lot of things I want to make for the holidays, as well as some garb that needs repairing from Pennsic.  I should be able to get through quite a bit in the coming weeks.  Kitty and I are also pretty determined to get some time together, which has me incredibly excited, because we both agree that we let there be distance between us for far too long.

Lux and I also tend to make up little to-do lists fairly seasonally.  We don't always tackle them, but they're things we'd really like to do together.

And what does an adventurous partnership of sociopaths that indulge in power exchange plan for during the fall?

Well, right now the list is two things.

Chinese takeout and video games (we're thinking portal two, for combined puzzle solving powers!)
Wandering the woods with good coffee

Yup, that's it.  You may remember me talking about my preference for simple dates a while back, and how I enjoy intimate time together that is simply a chance to relax and take in time with the person I'm with, rather than showy, ornate adventure.  Well, we already go lots of places together.  Most of the time when we're together now it's because we have a ton of plans going on.  So, all we really want is time to ourselves.  A chance to decompress with each other, and enjoy the little moments that bring us closer. 

Sure, the adventures are fun, but it's the moments when we giggle over video games, sip coffee, and snuggle up under a blanket that I know I belong to the right person.


Thursday, October 08, 2015

Dangerous, Fun, and Safe

Kitty and I were talking about playing the other day.  He has apparently become one of the most popular fire tops on the east coast recently, and we decided he should set me on fire sometime soon. 

We talked about how it'll likely turn into a ton of giggles as soon as he lights me up, and we'll have to do more work to keep focused than actually lighting me up.  I also said that I likely wouldn't flinch at all due to trust.

He said that given the giant gouts of flame he gets off of people, he would absolutely expect me to react.  To which I said I have a level of trust in him that the people he lights up at events would never have.  It's not the safe feeling you have with a professional, but the fact that I've been a crying mess in his arms and seen his panicked protectiveness kick in.  I know that if he ever did any damage to me, he'd never forgive himself.

Like I know that no matter how hard Lux wails on me, I'm completely safe.  The few times that he's ever done something I wasn't completely happy with, he was a paranoid mess for days after, despite my telling him that everything was ok. 

I may not play constantly, or have a ton of partners, but I know that whenever I'm with one of them, I'm the safest person around.  It doesn't matter what sort of dumb, incredibly dangerous shenanigans we're up to, I'm in good hands, and so are they.


Sunday, October 04, 2015

Lifting

So, I've been kind of bummed lately, due to the state of things at home.  In order to keep from dwelling on the bad, I'm going to make a list of the good things that bring me comfort and happiness.

Night time in the car
A cigar and a cup of coffee
Walking around somewhere calm with friends
Watching others play videogames, and providing witty banter
Simple food made well.  Fancy stuff can be nice, but I prefer simple savory comfort flavors.
Cooking for loved ones
The smell of candles lit with a match
Hiding in blankets with a book
Random silly conversations
Comfy snuggly sex.  Even if it's violent, or full of misogyny, or whatever else, I should want to snuggle with my partner
Flailing around to music
Making something new
Learning
Helping friends
Sitting outside in the fresh air
Old fantasy movies
Silly anime
Violent anime
Sore muscles, and bruises
Endorphin highs
Watching fire
The smell of warm vanilla
Being naked

And I'm sure a ton more things.  However, it should be blatantly apparent that small things make me happiest.  Time to enjoy more of those little things.


Thursday, October 01, 2015

Timeline

A few days ago, someone I used to talk to contacted me again for the first time since I kicked out the gnome.  We chatted for a bit, catching up, and just general bs.

She informed me that her marriage had fallen apart, due to lack of work on both their parts from the sound of it, but I could tell she was spinning it in a way that villainized him, and as of the beginning of summer, they were officially divorced.

She also said that on Halloween she's getting married again.

Now, I know that it takes at least 18 months to get a divorce in this state, but a span of two years isn't really enough to get mentally clear of your last relationship (which had to involve courts and custody and extra stuff due to their son) find someone, get through new relationship energy, then decide on, and plan a wedding. 

We also know my opinion on weddings, but that's less valid here, this is just solid time logic. 

I think it takes at least a year to figure out how you mesh with a person.  You may not even make it that far, but if you aren't solid after going through all the holidays and birthdays and friends and family for one full year, it's not going to get better.  And then you need to start considering if they're going to be the person you want to put up with for your entire life, before actually seeing if they feel the same.

And then I think about my own parents, who knew each other for a year and a half before being married.  Not getting engaged, but being married.  Which part of me actually thinks has had an effect on their emotional maturity, but I think I've discussed that before.

I think people assume that what they feel in the beginning of a relationship is what will last forever, and in the above person's case, likely didn't want to learn how to be herself again.  Instead of taking time to learn to be themselves again, learning about a new partner, and seeing how they really fit in you life then seeing how you feel, there's this stigma for a significant other, and anything other than marriage is meaningless.

Give me someone who just makes the decision to stand by me every day, without any pressures or forcing.


Sunday, September 27, 2015

Soapbox

I mentioned how my friend last weekend decided to piss off Lux last weekend in the middle of a story.

The story was about a friend of his, who is transitioning, and he finds their new behviours as they try to as their new gender to be unattractive.  He was explaining this, as it was appropriate to a picture he had seen, where he saw a woman to be attractive, but her body language wasn't, and this transitioning friend is frequently pushing a lot of the same habits and postures.

My friend, before Lux even finished the story, started accusing Lux as being transphobic, shoving the idea down his throat without actually listening to him.  Needless to say, the judgement like that had Lux upset, and then she decided to go on about how she had to learn to profile people as a defense mechanism, and in a most condescending way told Lux he "was still a good person".

Hence, going upstairs for cathartic sex shortly afterward.

The next day, on the Tumbls, she decided to post a long generalized rant about how Lux was a shitty person (of course not actually naming him) and how he should be better than that.  And it reminded me of the fiasco at Flea two years ago.  With one of Lux's friends posting to Fet about how he had beaten her to tears and left her sobbing on the floor, when I was two feet away, and she was fine, constantly saying she was good as we checked in, and then told me later that day that he could have gone harder.  I wanted to kick the shit out of her, and it made me want to flip on my own friend to because of how wrong she was in this case.

To make matters worse, the day after that, another rant was posted about how if you dislike anything or anyone it is the result of phobia or prejudice, and you should get over your brain issues to become a better person.

That's like saying my heterosexuality is a mental illness that I need to "cure".

Hi, that's about the same logic my ex tried to force on me, and he was just an emotionally abusive douchebag.

This friend is incredibly introverted and avoids people at all costs.  She admits to having learning problems, and has issues with things that are signs of normal brain function.  She had a family that wasn't picture perfect, and claims she was victim to a ton of emotional abuse, that when she explains to me just shows that she never actually thought for herself growing up.

Sorry, you never became a strong person.  You just went from obeying the thoughts of your elders, to obeying the thoughts of who you thought were supposed to be better role models.  There is never any logic in your rants, and you bring up these vehement, but halfhearted claims of abusive behaviour at every turn.  You obviously need to expose yourself to more thought processes, and work through your own mind before you start pushing judgements on others, and maybe start actually listening to them too.

Accusing everyone of -isms and prejudice and throwing judgement at them is bigotry too.  And it's why the internet hates most feminists.  Congrats, you're just as bad as the people you try to push down.  Aren't you proud.


Thursday, September 24, 2015

A Long Ride

So, it's been an odd, but fun few days.

Last Friday, I looked outside, and saw one of the main branches on the apple tree had split.  We yielded so many apples this year that the tree literally couldn't stand up to the weight, and broke.  My guess is that we wound up with near 400lbs of apples.  Which has meant bagging them up to go to everyone we know, as well as making a ton of applesauce and pie filling.

Instead of going to the faire that Lux and I normally go to, and camp at, we wound up staying with friends and attending the faire in Tuxedo.  As time went on after we decided on this change, we felt more and more comfortable with this decision, due to the overall vibe we were getting, and things happening at the local faire.

I went up Friday, after the beast got home from school, though Lux didn't make it down until Saturday morning.  Friday was calm, just hanging out and catching up mostly.  The faire was basically a much needed day away for us.  We saw a few people we knew, but for the most part just wandered and relaxed.

I kept feeling like I wanted to be more affectionate with Lux, but never was.  I'm not sure what stopped me, but I'm certain I'll more than make up for it in time.

Again, I was reminded that I almost only get hit on by women.  I'm still not sure why this has become such a common thing.  Maybe Lux scares them off being a giant brick wall of man.  Oh well.  They can't deal with me being snuggly with him, then they don't deserve me.

When we got back from faire, my friends had made dinner, so we ate, and showered off the yuck, and tried to be social despite being tired.  We however wound up in bed about ten, and proceeded to have lots of sex throughout the night, while attempting to sleep comfortably in the bed upstairs.  It's not a bad bed for one person.  However, the bed is actually two twin beds against each other.  Which means, that Lux takes up an entire side, and when I go to snuggle in, I wind up in the crack.  I woke up hidden in the crack, and got fucked into the crack several times.  Even when trying to be sideways on the bed.

Oh, and we almost thought we broke Lux's penis.  We didn't though, which makes us both super happy. 

Sunday was my friend's birthday, so we took her to brunch, and hung out a while longer.  At one point, Lux made the accidental mistake of saying something that would set off her feminist rage, which caused him to see just how illogical and insane she gets, showing just how little she sees of the world, clouded by her own ideas of her past and the parts of the internet she checks out.

I went up to pack up my things, and talked with Lux for a while about how he did have a right to be pissed at her, and how she didn't listen to the full situation, and that there was nothing wrong with him.  We snuggled for a bit, and then wound up having super hot sex with lots of power exchange help him feel better. 

Apparently it was what we both needed, because afterwards I felt happy and snuggly and affectionate and submissive.  It was a feeling that I miss enjoying with people, and informed Lux that we need it more often.

It was a long weekend, but a good one, and dear gods did I get reminded how easy it is to make me feel cared for again.


Sunday, September 20, 2015

No Veto

I've been trying to help Kitty a lot through his current relatioship.  On the bright side, he's actually sharing the things going on with me, so that we can work through them. 

After saying it was his preference, he's finally in his first poly relationship (despite how we were in the past, I was never actually his secondary).  He's generally as protective and territorial as I am, which means there's more of a learning curve involved for how to deal with his primary having other partners.

And well, she found one.  An old primary of her's, with a history of emotionally abusing her.  Needless to say, that, and the fact that it completely turned their dynamic upside down piqued his jealousy, and he's been trying to work through it.

Well, months later, it's still there.  And he knows himself well enough to say that this feeling is caused by the situation, rather than the people involved, so he continues to trudge on.  One of the things that is likely not going to help with this though, is that he wants a "no veto" type of dynamic, because he's only seen it become a means of insecurity instead of safety, and he feels he should always be able to trust his partner.

And while trust your partner is important, the ability to veto partners is too.  The aspect of checking in on potential partners opens up communication without having to go prodding or finding the right moment to bring things up.  At that point, a fully informed veto either helps keep issues from arriving, or brings issues within the dynamic to the surface to be dealt with at a much higher priority.

It's when people just start saying no to everything, with no reasoning behind it that it becomes a problem.  And that in itself shows that there are other things that need attention.

It all just makes a lot of things move more smoothly to be honest.  The more open and level it all is, the easier it is to manage. 


Thursday, September 17, 2015

Through the Looking Glass

A year and a half ago I started this blog by discussing my dysmorphia.  How I am absolutely my worst critic when it comes to my appearance, and how my body itself causes a lot of mental issues in my life.

Well, I've been working on this a lot.  Especially through the current year, I've been focusing on feeling better about how I look, and learning more about my body.  Lux also helps, as frequent groping and nomming is a very positive influence. 

I had times at Pennsic where my mind sort of woke up to the fact that I'm going to look very different in period garb than the rest of our camp.  My waist is super tiny, so unless I'm in one of my lacing, fitted gowns, it's going to be baggy in the waist, to fit over my shoulders.  And even with the lace up ones, because of the type of fabric, and period patterns, it's going to bunch near the butt.  This is just a fact, and anyone I saw with a similar build to my own had clothing that fit the exact same way.

I've stopped paying attention to the number on the scale.  I've learned that I have far more muscle than most people my size, so I'm going to weigh more than people think due to how tiny I am.  The important part is that I pay attention to my diet, and continue to work on getting stronger.

I'm wearing less makeup, because I want to look like me, rather than like my face was plastered on.  Just enough to even out my skin, then make myself not look like a ghost.  It's about half of what I used to put on, and nowhere near as dramatic.

Mind you, I still have days where I want to hide from the world because of how I see myself.  My cycle has a big impact on how severe it is, but I'll still have random days on both sides of the scale through the month.  Working out as many days a week as possible helps, as I see what my body is capable of, and how my body changes as I build muscle, calms it down a lot. 

I need to start looking at myself as I do others.  I focus so much more on who someone is before I ever consider their appearance.  I need to pay more attention to who I am, and let self confidence bloom from there, and feel comfortable in my skin that way.


Sunday, September 13, 2015

Random Advantage

So, I've managed even with the beast being home for summer, and Pennsic, to keep up with regularly working out.  And, I'm noticing some fun random benefits that have appeared over time.

Simple things like my posture are a given.  I'm standing straighter again, and a bit taller, though not enough to be noticeable with how short I am.  It still could be a bit better, but it's getting there with time.

More fun though, is random things.  Like how my hips are way more open now, and Lux can not only press my legs back and past my torso without any pain, or even feeling a stretch, but he presses them flat out sometimes, with his weight on me, and even with how broad his hips are (which, boys with hips, omnomnom) I don't feel sore like I used to, at all.  I shall enjoy reaping these benefits, and so does Lux.

Also I can finally touch my toes bending forward without being in excruciating pain!  This is seriously something I've never been able to do.

I still can't do a handstand, but my arm balances are getting better, and that means I'm gaining strength, and moving closer.  It is why I started kicking myself in the ass to get working out anyway.

Now I just need to stop having old people knees when Lux and I bone.  This getting old shit blows goats.


Thursday, September 10, 2015

Why I Will Never be Popular on the Internet

Along with my blog here, I have a Tumblr which I post to frequently.  There's a good amount of nerdy stuff and silly things, but it's mostly porn.

And by porn, I mean violence and power exchange.

Even though I've been posting to the blog for well over a year, I have a relatively small number of followers, especially compared to Lux, who posts far less frequently, but sees much more activity buzzing from his blog.

And, it never surprises me as to why. 

I'm straight.  And there is this insanely common fantasy for men to pay significantly more attention to bisexual girls, in hopes of threesomes.  This goes to the point where partners in the past have tried to ignore my sexuality, or force me to have sex with women.  It seems as though folks on the internet have a fixation with group sex.

Also, I am very realistic in my sex and thoughts.  I don't want humilitation, or to be degraded and compared.  It seriously fucks me over mentally, because of past shit that my mind still hasn't worked on.  For me, partners should always bring each other up, and because sex naturally fires off so many bonding hormones, it can only help that strengthen.  Either way, I'm not going bring myself down to make anyone's dick rise.

I also don't post pictures of my tits all over the internet.  This is a very obvious way to gain followers, and I'm not going to post anything unless I'm completely comfortable.

If people don't want to enjoy pure violence, snuggles, happy power exchange, and silliness, then they can go find a less fun corner of the internet. 


Sunday, September 06, 2015

Of Sex and Sociopaths

With all the posts on here lately about rape, contact, and sexuality, I thought I'd talk a bit more on the weirdness that has been my evolving sex drive.  I forget sometimes how different I am compared to most people, due to my sociopathy, when it comes to basic human emotions and desires.

I started probably as far from my current hypersexual self as possible.  I didn't see people as attractive in the slightest, and had no physical desires in any way through most of my teens.  I mean this to the point where I wanted no physical contact with anyone, and the idea of it made my skin crawl.

I viewed sex from a purely scientific standpoint.  Heavy contact, and exposure to bodily fluids, with a chance of pregnancy.  All of these things turned me off, and so I wanted nothing to do with it.

What I did enjoy however, was endorphins.  And you know how sometimes the people around you being high on brain juice transfers over to you too?  Well, this was the only reason I started fooling around.

And oh man, was I so not mentally ready.  I remember the day after my first kiss, spending time with the same friend, and going way further.  He got called to do something for his family, and just went downstairs and left me there for what was probably ten minutes, but felt like an hour, as I had a panic attack over the amount of contact that had taken place.

So, mentally after that, as a way of protecting myself, I had to sort of shut down in order do anything sexual with someone.  It was a roadblock I had to get passed, and this was my way of training myself through it.  Luckily, most of my partners were awesome, and made me feel as comfortable as possible despite this.

And, eventually I could start being mentally present, and enjoy the endorphins that filled the room.  I still wasn't having sex, but those wonderful brain chemicals could activate and make me feel a little better. 

And then I started realizing that only when with those awesome, trusted partners did this happen.  When I was with someone I wasn't comfortable with, I became absent again, which has stayed true to this day, and is a good amount of the reason that I didn't start having intercourse until I did.

And, yes, I was a bit absent when I did start having sex.  I had to be in order to get past yet more mental roadblocks.  Sex felt like nothing for the longest time, and it really attributed to the teenage awkwardness that Kitty still brings up to this day.  Soon after though, I found myself actually craving contact though, beyond calming bonding snuggles with incredibly close people.  I craved making out, and groping, and all manner of sexy things.  But because I became absent with new partners, they were incredibly gentle with me, almost with a featherlike touch. 

It's then that I learned to need force.  My absence made them afraid to touch me, and whether they wanted to be there or not, it seemed like they had ne desire to be near me.  Force woke up endorphins, and I realized quickly that it helped me be present, and get far more from sex overall.  As well, that pulling those brain chemicals from my partners made it better.

It also made me crave sex, both as a means of endorphins, and as it's own act.  It started creeping into my thoughts more often, until it hit like a brick.  My sex drive woke up, just as active as it is presently.

Well, sort of.  I was with the gnome at the time, so I wanted sex, but the idea of having sex with him made me feel ill.  Seriously.  Even before he raped me and cheated on me. 

I knew what it was at this point though. And that self awareness made me a much better sociopath.  I could understand this aspect of people, even if from a cold, logic driven point.  Which helped me, in a lot of ways.

Of course, I still had more to learn about my own sexuality, but that was just simple self reflection.


Friday, September 04, 2015

Time to Thrive

I've been thinking lately on how I function best.  How I get the most done, and work the best, in a healthy way.

Right before Pennsic I didn't have many projects, and it made me feel like something was missing.  I was only reading one book, and could barely get through it, and most people weren't sharing and coredumping with me because this summer has been really hard on me in my home environment which has my stress levels insanely high.

In regards to the vast majority of things, I work best with a load that makes most people feel overwhelmed.  Right now I have a stack of books on my nightstand, and it's relaxing to know I have plenty of different things to get to.  With the fall coming up, I'm thinking of a ton of gifts to make, and planning the next couple months.

Even when it comes to my stress levels, I thrive when other people dump their stress on me.  Focusing on helping loved ones, and knowing I am doing what I can for them makes me feel better, and like I can tackle the stress in my own life.

You know, in case me being service oriented wasn't obvious enough yet.

Let's hope I can balance this pile of everything, without being totally overwhelmed at home, and stay functioning like a well oiled machine.


Sunday, August 30, 2015

Late and Lost

This is late in the evening, due to finally being home from my week with Lux.  It was a very relaxing time, where I did what I could to get caught up on the upkeep of his place, as well as my own projects.  I got to enjoy cooking for us all week, which lets Lux relax more. 

He was supposed to get work done with the extra time not spent on chores.

We played video games instead.

He had gotten a gift card for his birthday, and so I was given the job to find fun games.  I threatened to buy a ton of shitty dollar games.  I instead got a handful of fun multiplayer games for us to play together.  One of which may have made us completely mentally overstimulated, which had us giggling at everything afterward.

While gone, I made a lot of plans for projects over the fall and winter, which will have me very busy, but I really think everyone will love.  I'm really looking forward to all of it happening.

And of course, with Lux and I being together, there was a bunch of sex.  Maybe not as much as when we seriously marathon a weekend, but I find that when we're together for a long time, and we know that we have the whole time to bone, so we wind up just enjoying time together.

While talking to Kitty, he said that time with a primary is important, and centering no matter how it's spent, and he couldn't be more right.  Even with my cycle being where it's at, I didn't have my normal rage at the world.  Instead, I find myself now feeling a bit stressed, and overwhelmed.  I feel a bit lazy, and unwanting to go to most of my regular events coming up this month.

We'll see how I feel in a few days, and make plans from there.


Thursday, August 27, 2015

Logics

I was up with friends over the weekend (and am now spending a few days with Lux).  It was nice to see them, and catch up, but sometimes I am reminded of how some folks just never get over their past, and even more when they only see it as emotional abuse decades later.

I made the very like mistake of getting into the discussion of women crying rape with her.  She very vehemently demanded that there are no women who cry rape, and no such thing as legitimate next day regret.  That anyone who thinks they shouldn't have had sex after the fact, only felt uncomfortable or unsafe saying no at the time.  That women would never cry rape because they know about society today.

She even went on to say that an enthusiastic affirmation of consent means nothing, and that it has to be surely genuine or it means nothing.

And this is all well and good, in a fictional perfect world.  However, because humans are all different and varied beings, these statements will never be true. 

If you need to be sure of genuine consent, it's never safe to have a new partner.  I for one, was far more withdrawn with early partners that I wanted to be sexy with, because I didn't want to fuck it up.  With partners I wasn't sure of, I was the aggressor, because if I was in control of the situation, I could help ensure nothing happened that I was overly uncomfortable with (to current partners reading this, don't worry, I mostly grew out of this awkwardness).  No one has any idea how someone else will act during sex, and thereby has no idea how to tell when consent is completely genuine.

And, likewise, if you're being explicitly told "I want (x,y,and z)" and they say yes at the time, then the next day they look back and realize that it wasn't what they imagined, or they didn't enjoy it, it doesn't make it rape.  It means they simply didn't think about the situation fully, or have discovered something new about themselves.

And probably the most important point, is that if you don't yet feel comfortable saying no to anyone, you shouldn't be having sex.  And your mistake isn't rape, it's something to learn from, and a sign to wait.  Both times I was raped I was very clear in saying no, and fighting back.  It wasn't questionable in any way.  No, there wasn't a knife to my throat, or a gun to my temple (that's only been happy sexy time up to this point) which is probably the only time consent for your own safety is understandable, or obvious blackmail situations.

And, as for saying that women would never cry rape, she obviously knows nothing about today's actual society.  Women are afraid of being flamed and insulted.  They fear that mar on their reputation, to be called a slut.  Instead of the guilt of fucking someone they regret afterward, and feeling like they might be a slut, or have boys think they're an easy lay, they'll cry rape, get pity, villainize the boy, and be able to play the victim to get over the guilt, while enjoying the attention.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time" can apply to sex too.  And we don't say that thought was driven by force or manipulation every time. 


Sunday, August 23, 2015

Guilty Party

While reading through blogs lately, I came across one that discussed a man cheating on his submissive partner, and the after effects, as well as ideas on monogamy in today's society.

It mentioned how she felt guilty after.  That she deserved to be cheated on, and that it was her fault that her dom did what he did.  And dear gods did this throw up red flags for me.  It's such an external sign of emotional abuse.  That the partner who destroyed the trust in a relationship couldn't possibly have been a douchebag, but rather the other party was so horrible that it forced him to do what they did.

It's bullshit.

In case you read that wrong the first time, here it is again.

BULLSHIT.

No one deserves to be cheated on.  Nothing warrants the destruction of trust, or the pain involved in going behind a partner's back.  Even with everything partner's have done to me in the past, I never cheated on them in return.  It's such an inconsiderate action based on pure selfishness.

It then talked about how monogamy might not be a viable concept in today's society.

Which, is also bullshit.

If people are wired for polyamory, then they need to be upfront with that, and find a partner with compatible views.

If they prefer an open relationship with only one romantic partner, then the same theory applies.

And if someone is both monoamorous, and monosexual, again, they simply need to find a partner that fits them.

And if someone is a cheating asshat, then they need a searing hot metal blade shoved up their urethra, so they can't cheat anymore.

Cheating is not the need to have sex with multiple people.  It's throwing away concern for your partner.


Thursday, August 20, 2015

Comfort

One of the things I found interesting at Pennsic, was the lower amount of people hitting on me than anticipated.  Sure, I'm probably just being my normal oblivious self, and there were actually a ton, and Lux being nearby likely had something to do with it.  However, most guys that approached me seemed to just want to talk, and hang out.

Women however, seemed to be all about trying to get up on me.  Lux was pointing it out to me several times, when women were about a half step shy from grabbing my head and smooshing it into their chests.  I'm not sure if they were looking for my approval before moving onto Lux (which, I'm a terrible wingman.  Just go hit on him, because I have no interest in their vagoo) or just wanted me, but either way, it hit points of being awkward with how hard they were trying.

I talked to Lux about it on the way home.  He said that it's a bad reason, but the "what happens at Pennsic, stays at Pennsic" mentality does exist.  Women can embrace bicuriosity, and chalk it up to a bad drunken night if it doesn't work out.  Likewise, this is an event where there is a lot of hooking up going on, so it wouldn't look odd.  There's also a massive collection of people that don't fit into the heterosexual category there, so they can feel far more comfortable letting themselves act on those thoughts and desires. 

In the middle of this discussion, I felt the need to say very simply "Sorry Pennsic, I am very comfortable with my heterosexuality." To which he laughed.  Sometimes, it catches people offguard with how completely straight I am, and to be unwaveringly so. 

Perhaps I just need to become better at telling when boys are interested, so I can hit on them more.  Because damn were there some pretty menfolk, and a bunch of them were fighters.  Then I have more boys to perv on in armor, and not just Lux.  Who gets a ton of attention from me in his kit, don't get me wrong, but I'm not going to complain about a surplus of sexy menfolk.


Sunday, August 16, 2015

Checking Preferences

While at Pennsic, Lux and I attended a play party that I had been invited to.  We had discussed going just to people watch, chat with folks, and likely not play ourselves.  However, that evening while getting ready, he packed his rucksack full of smacky toys, and we headed out, through the block party, and on the hunt for the very secret play party.

While on the way, Lux kept pestering me to have the password, which was some dumb combination of terms that I don't even remember anymore.  He joked that I wasn't telling him so that I had leverage over the situation, and I assured him that it wasn't the case, and that he was still very much in charge. 

When we got there, it was still fairly quiet.  An old partner of Lux's was tending bar, and we ran into some friends to chat with.  While watching a suspension scene, Lux joked that I had to bring him to a party at Pennsic for him to hit me.  I told him that if I really wanted him to hit me, I'd just hit him first, which he agreed with. 

At this point, we ran into someone who is pretty well known at Flea where we go to every year, and wound up getting Lux an impromptu run down of pressure points.  I think he was a bit surprised that I wasn't in a lot of pain from any of it, while Lux understood, and kept careful watch over both the subject matter, and my state.

After that, we made out way over to some empty space, and set up for some whompin's.  He started on me with the twins, which are probably the toys he is the most comfortable with, and something we both enjoy for long periods of time.  They are a matching pair of very thuddy floggers, which he will start dancing with when swinging them and in a good mood.

Instead of dancing though, I noticed him hitting off his normal striking points though, and not in the way he normally hits.  I realized he wasn't quite comfortable, and so I was far more concerned with him than myself at this point.  Every time he checked in with me, I did the same with him, and could tell he was nervous, but wouldn't say a thing.  After a bit, he changed off to the tire jack he has, and when that hit me a bit oddly, he used it as reason to stop. 
We generally like to have relaxed, giggly violent time.  We don't get serious that often, because there's constant communication.  We like having room, and comfort, without people watching to judge.  Mind you, Lux is really fantastic with impact, and it is really fun to watch, but we just can't relax with those other people there, and so we have a harder time getting into it all. 

So we packed up, got some water, snuggled a minute, and made our way back through the block party where Lux used the power of his voice to get us invited into another camp to relax before heading back home.

We did something that we had not yet done together, and realized it just didn't jive.  So we took care of each other, and snuggled to level things out, and know for the future. 

This just means I need to beat him up more when I see him next so that we can get back to our normal fun violent ways.