Thursday, January 29, 2015

Blame it on the Weather

It's been insanely cold lately.  We had snow the other night, and it was actually a couple inches of accumulation.

I've noticed that the cold affects my mood a lot.  Instead of yearning for the warmth to run through the woods, it makes me just want to stay in.  It makes me miss Lux a lot, and just want some time with him enjoying the quiet bite of winter.

I find myself craving teas, and hot cocoa.  To curl up under a ton blankets, with books and movies.  I've been wanting to bake to keep the house warm and cozy.  I want the comfort of time together, and close snuggly happy things that just make the rest of the world sort of pause.

And sure, it makes me want to have all form of messy snugglefucks, but most things do.

The holidays are done, and the stress from that is gone.  Now I just want to relax and enjoy the beautiful stillness of winter with someone.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Not the End Goal

While talking to my mother the other day, she said a lot of things that really got under my skin, but one of the things she said was "You know, your father and I just keep hoping you'll find a boy to marry and take care of you and the baby."

Now, my parents have been married damn near forever.  My mom was 19 when she got married, and just 18 when she met my dad.  My father is three years older.  It became very apparent to me at some point that a side effect of their marrying young seemed to keep them from maturing psychologically.

And her comments on marriage always kind of bother me.  She believes that a couple should go from casually seeing each other to engaged.  I'm talking within a six month span.  That if you're not getting married, it's a waste of a relationship, and that you shouldn't talk to any other guys while you're engaged.

Now, I'm the kind of person who doesn't really romanticize marriage the way most people do.  I never had those dreams of planning out the perfect wedding, or the idea of my dream husband.  It's not this vow of undying love.

To me, it's saying I trust you to be there, because you've proven it time and again.  I trust you to make decisions regarding my life if I am unable to.  I trust you to attach your name to mine, so we can take care of each other as it's needed.  And sure, there are a ton of legal reasons to get married.  I don't see any of it as something I need to do though.

A relationship can have just as much meaning, or more without a piece of paper saying you have a legal connection to someone.

Two of my close friends got married last year after being together for fifteen years.  They got married because they had been having issues with polyamory, and wanted to give peace of mind that neither one was going anywhere.  Now, they're in a fantastic place.  A short while after they finally got married, she looked at me and explained how much their bills went down due to getting married, and said "There's actually decent reasons to do this crap".

They called each other husband and wife for years beforehand.  They considered themselves stuck with each other until the end of time regardless of a license.

And sometimes, that doesn't happen.  Sometimes a few years in you grow apart, and it's not to say that the relationship was a failure, it simply meant that you didn't grow on the same path.

The goal of a relationship is not to marry a partner.  It is to enjoy your time with them, and know that when you're old and decrepit, they will be there to provide balance and and trust, and that you know you'll be able to do the same.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Storytime Three! or I'm Blaming All of This on Lux

While I never had a terribly large pool of partners at any one time, I've always had a fairly active sex life.  Even in my younger teens, before I started having intercourse, I was fooling around with a few partners several times a week.  I always thought this was normal.

I didn't acknowledge the idea of where my sex drive laid out on a scale, because I didn't have female friends to bounce off of, and talking to any guy about it just made them think I wanted to fuck.  So, I figured wanting to have some sort of sexual contact constantly was just how things were for everyone.  In fact, I remember Kitty at one point stating that he never expected me to want to fool around as much as he did, because his sex drive was so high, and wondering what he meant, and that I thought he was normal, due to wanting to fool around as much as I did.  I surprised him further when I told him how often I was hooking up with guys, and he remarked at how while he had significantly more partners than I had, I had a much higher frequency of fooling around.

I didn't even realize how high my sex drive was until I was with the gnome, and it disappeared.  To go from wanting sex absolutely all the time, to never, was very noticeable, and I was having sex purely to make sure everything worked, rather than out of desire.  After I gave birth to the beast however, it came back full force, and I had an idea of just how abnormal I was.  I still however, had no desire to fuck the gnome, which is where I realized how much my sociopathy had an effect on my sex drive as well.

After I had kicked him out, I had a couple partners I fucked frequently, before meeting Thrax, and all the story thereafter.

So, why this story about my sex life?

I have noticed an issue.
I'm really wet lately.

Now, I know, you're asking how this could possibly be an issue.

I mean all the time.  Soaking through my jeans, and if I wear my UFO pants, it looks like I pissed myself within a couple of hours, I'm so wet.  The fluid is clear, and has no odor, so it's not an infection.

At first, I thought it was simply the start of a new seven year hormonal cycle.  Yes, I actually keep track of those, and do all the research and such.  I also realized that it began after Lux had moved, and stopped visiting as frequently.
Well, that means about three months now of constantly soaking through my jeans, except when I'm extremely stressed.  I don't feel off, and have no health issues.

Which means, I look to science for an answer!

After doing some hunting, I discovered this is actually an issue of having an extremely high sex drive.  Essentially, the female body is physically prepared to have as much sex as it mentally desires.  The solution to this is of course either having sex, or masturbating, as it uses the fluids the genitalia are producing.

And, it makes sense.  I'm going several weeks without any sexual contact, and don't jerk off, which means my body is still producing fluid, but it isn't going to use.  Because Lux moved, and I don't want to find another partner.  That means, it all winds up in the seat of my jeans.  This point, despite being the most comfortable with my sexuality than I've ever been, is the least active sexually that I've had, which explains why it was never an issue in the past.  In fact, when my sex drive was gone with the gnome, he had to use lube because I produced absolutely no fluid.  I also notice that when Lux does visit, I have no issues with soaking my pants in the slightest, which reinforces what I found.

It's the female equivalent of popping random boners from not jerking off enough.  Except it's a constant, instead of something that lasts ten minutes every few hours.  And it's Lux's fault, or at least I'm claiming it is.  Because it's fun to blame him.

Oh look, I'm a nymphomaniac.
Even science says so.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Digital Dating

We're expected to have someone.  Dating sites, social networking, online forums; we're all obligated to have a significant other.

We have apps designed to pair together people just of appearance alone.

These apps throw us together, and we chat once.
Well, we don't hate each other, and there is a physical attraction.
Dating begins.
Facebook official.
Selfies making out.
Constant communication.
Posting of how they are meant to be.
Seeing the happiness of everyone.
Expecting perfection.
Expecting to give up everyone else for the sake of a one week old "serious" relationship.
Talking to friends leads to jealous fits.
Not instantly replying creates paranoia.
Personality clashes because you never took the time to see how you meshed.
Thinking you're doomed, because you only see the good in everyone else's lives.

I hate what relationships have turned into at this point.  We go from a friend request online, to engaged, to hateful separation in a month's time.

Somehow, having the world at our fingertips caused us to forget that we can search for people.  We can always think that there is something better, and throw away what we have.  That we can hunt after people for looks alone, because physical attraction is the most important thing.

We're not taught to get to know people.  To build a strong relationship based on emotional and personal attraction.  We forget that we're all human, and when we share our lives, everything won't always go smoothly.

We're not taught that a good, happy, and healthy relationship takes work from everyone involved, and if not taken care of, has a short shelf life.  That a relationship is simply an addition to our lives, and we should not change who we are, or take away from our lives for someone else.

The world has forgotten a lot for the sake of convenience.  Fuck convenience.  Find someone worth the work, and someone you're proud to work for.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

The Thought That Counts

Recently, especially with the beast, I've been realizing how much I enjoy having hand made things.  Whether making them myself, making things for others, or seeing what others create, I love having things made by human hands, with love and energy and history in every fiber and piece.  It makes me think of them, and the skill and talent they have.

And being able to pass those things on, makes it all even better.  To have things, and remember seeing them from years ago when they were someone else's and now they've found their way to you, still able to serve some purpose, and bring joy.

I love to make things.
For myself, or for others.  It's one of the biggest ways that I show affection, and I will run myself ragged making and doing for others, because I want to help them, and do what I can to make their world a better place.

And sometimes it's just a doodle.
Sometimes it's a plushie.
Sometimes clothing.
Sometimes a piece of jewelry that leave my hands in shambles.
And sometimes still, it's fresh warm cookies.

I'd far rather do for others before doing something for myself the vast majority of the time.  I often do without, so that I can give to friends and loved ones, and never even think a thing of it.  I forget to take care of myself, because I'm too busy doing for others.

And sure, I remind myself of the biggest thing that caused me to get rid of the gnome; that I need to take care of myself before I can take care of others.  Then I see what I've made, and how it makes me grow.  I feel fulfilled by creating and making and doing.  I learn from every motion, and every project.

If that isn't a method of caring for myself, I don't know what is.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

All Bodies are Equal

It's a recurring thing with certain friends of mine that I can't stand, especially being friends with so many guys.  Even Thrax had the same issue, even though he refused to admit it.  And of course, because I'm the more understanding friend, they talk to me about it, thinking I'll just smile and nod and be all about it.

For some reason, a large percentage of my male friends tell their girlfriends that they can go and have sex with other girls or "cheat on them" with girls, and it's ok.  But not guys.  They aren't even allowed to talk to other guys.

Also that they are trying to convince their girlfriends to find a girlfriend.

Without skipping a beat, I always respond with "So, does that mean you're looking for a boyfriend, and are fucking other guys, while not talking to other girls?"

To which they say no, of course not, but they think their girlfriend with another girl is hot, so it's ok.


Cheating is cheating, regardless of gender.  If you need a monogamous relationship, then stick to it, and make sure your partner knows that.  If you need a polysexual relationship, that's cool too, but don't put those limits on your partner just because you find it hot.

Thrax constantly tried to tell me he wanted me to fuck other girls.  That he wanted me to get a girlfriend, and that I should play with and own all these girls he knew.
Why?  Because he found it hot, and it put them one step closer to fucking him, in his odd logic.
Too bad I'm straight, and picky about partners.

Then he'd tell me it was ok for me to fuck guys, because he wanted to be able to have sex with other girls.  Not because he couldn't keep up with my sex drive, or for me to have more playtime since we were having none, but because he wanted to fuck other girls.

So I did fuck other guys, and he flipped.

He got jealous, and pissy.  But then in the same night would talk to me about how he wanted me to shove my hand in a girl's junk.

His jerk fodder is not necessary cool for me to do.  Had he wanted me to beat up a girl that I was friends with, and actually wanted to be around, then sure, I'll be happy to.  Instead it's a literal crack whore that I've met once before, and stole from me.

Oh yea, just what I want to do.

If you are comfortable with your partner fooling around with other people, let that option be there.  But don't limit it just to what you think is hot.  Don't get mad if your partner follows common sense rules out of respect for you, but you don't get hard at the idea.  If you start putting all those restrictions on, it becomes abusive objectification.

We're people, and yes, we all have emotional limits.  However, we need to know to respect our partners, and give them actual freedoms; not just ones under guises we prefer.

Thursday, January 08, 2015

Not so Solid Planning

For a few days after Christmas, I went up with Lux to visit his place, and have some time to ourselves.  We had planned to go to the movies, have a ton of sex, be violent, and snuggle with a bunch of movies.  It was going to be some solid time of killing stress, and taking care of all the cravings we'd had over the holidays.

Well, we killed stress and snuggled.  There was still some sex, though no where near as much as normal for us, because we were both happy just curled up playing video games, and felt at peace enjoying hanging out together.  Half the movies we wanted to watch fell to the wayside for gaming, and shorter youtube videos, and the desire to simply lounge on the couch cuddled and naked won out to putting on clothes to see what we had planned to out.

And it was perfect, honestly.   No real worries of trying to get things done, or scheduling anything.  There wasn't even power exchange other than how we normally wind up handling things, and there didn't need to be, in any way.

We really just needed time to relax with someone there, and decompress from everything that happened over the holidays.

Coming back here a few days later, has me thinking about everything we planned to do, and how I don't really care about us not getting it done.  We'll have chances to get to it all, and we tend to do what is most needed for us, regardless of what we plan ahead of time.

I do already miss him, but I'll see him again soon enough.

Sunday, January 04, 2015

Random Sights of Insecurity

While perusing the Tumblr, I saw something on one of those random little surveys that someone had done.  A question that asked if the person had ever cheated on a partner before.
Their response was that they hadn't physically, but they had emotionally.

And this got me thinking about when the gnome accused me of cheating on him emotionally with Felix.  After he had been cheating on me with some unknown number people, lied to me constantly, treated me like shit and a myriad of other things.

No, I'm not saying cheating should ever be a justifiable option, but his accusation was based purely off of his own insecurity.  He was being an asshole, so he assumed I must be too.

Cheating is a conscious decision.  You make the decision to do something, the decision to follow through, and the decision to keep it from others.  Drunk isn't an excuse, depressed isn't an excuse, you yourself make the decision to do something you feel you need to keep a secret.

And developing feelings for someone isn't something you can make the decision of whether or not to do.  If you hide any trace of a person from your partner, then maybe, but that goes into the decision to keep secrets.

Are you expected to not talk to anyone else?  Then you can never develop any attachment or feeling for any other person.  To have to rely on one person for all of your interaction, being entirely dependent on them for all your social stimulation?  It's a recipe for madness and helps no one.  Even worse when one side is allowed to do as they wish, but expect their partner to give up the rest of the world.

Being drawn to someone isn't anything that anyone can help or stop.  We create bonds to other people all the time, or go back to others and strengthen the bonds we had later in life as we grow.  Having that with a myriad of people isn't cheating, it's having a healthy emotional structure, and taking care of yourself.

Thursday, January 01, 2015

A Year to Learn From

It's a normal thing for me to look back near the end of the year and think about everything that I've learned.


This year I learned that:

  • A downside of having old friends means they may get "old" faster than you do, and it's not a bad thing, but means they are not meant to stay in your life any longer.
  • People with addictive personalities will treat you like shit in order to act in the way they are used to.  Those new behaviors will then become habit, and they will always treat you like shit.
  • Many people who either marry early, or do not keep up a social circle that changes, will stop maturing emotionally.  This becomes difficult to deal with as they get older.
  • Toxic people will always be toxic.  Random better treatment is a fluke.
  • Keep the people in your life that kick you in the ass to be inspired, always tell the truth, and go along with your random ideas.
  • People do not know how to process something outside of their "normal".  It becomes and issue to remember to be yourself, and not just change to make everyone more comfortable.
  • Always be yourself.  Never lose even the slightest bit of yourself due to who is around you.
  • Fight for things important to you.  Don't give up on them, and don't give in, no matter who the opposing party is.
  • Regular snuggles are vital for happiness.