Thursday, February 26, 2015

Silliness, and distractions

So, I went to Wicked Faire last weekend, despite having no intention of going.  I also wound up getting snowed into the hotel, along with all of my performer friends who had intended on leaving.
Which meant that I stayed far longer than I normally would have, and got to see the entire con go a little insane.

While the last concert of the evening was going on, music was playing outside.  This new venue has a large central hub type area, where some rooms even have balconies overlooking the space.  It's really quite beautiful.

Music may have turned into a silly dance party.

Which then may have turned into Journey.  When everyone came out of their rooms.  And started singing together.

Yes, an entire con full of people, all singing and dancing in one giant karaoke type ruckus.  The only word to describe it was magical.

With everyone still singing, I was supposed to go play with a friend, who was interested in actually getting to unload and beat me up.  He borrowed a room for a while, and we went off.
Except I was essentially high off everyone singing, and couldn't stop giggling.  We wound up having a conversation of total randomness instead of playing at all.

And we had no issues with it.  We both giggled, and bonded, and had a good time.  And that's kind of the purpose of play right?  I don't care what I do with a person.  I don't care if we have an intense session, or some light play, or just giggle and snuggle, I'm still enjoying the time I have with them, and that's the important part.  I hear so many people bitching about how they never get to play with their partners, and only have sex, or only ever curl up on the couch.  I immediately ask them if in those moments, they are happy with what they're doing.  If they are, then they shouldn't complain.  Maybe they do need to both make the effort to push back into the habit of play, but if what they are doing makes them happy, then it should be enough.
Things will be gotten to.  We have nothing but time.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

How to Confuse a Con Full of Kinky Folk

So, last weekend Lux, Nessa, and I went off to Flea.  The whole weekend was a fun time, with lots of giggles, new toys, and a generally chill vibe.

I also realized how much Lux and I confuse people.

Apparently, I was putting off a very toppy vibe.  As a switch, I usually seem very toppy, but being a tiny female, people sometimes instantly peg me as just a submissive.  I find that how I dress can change this up a lot.  I've stopped wearing collars as a form of jewelry, but will sometimes wear something that is obviously a choker.  Even when wearing more skimpy stuff, there is enough masculinity to how I dress that it stays pretty level.

Usually people talk to me like a top, because I generally look at product for my own use.  And if it isn't, I'm generally running off to grab someone else.  I also tend to have obvious energy of how I feel towards those around me.  If there is one thing true about me, it's that I absolutely cannot send mixed signals.

So, I'm at this con, with people talking to me like a top.  Lux finds me, and I'm snuggled up with him, now with the vibe of accidental dynamics, and still acting like a top to everyone else.

And so they have no idea how to peg me.

At another point, Lux and I are sitting in a mindfuck class.  I'm all snuggled up, and we obviously have a very solid connection.  Throughout the class, while other people are quietly giggling, or still putting processes together, we're full on laughing maniacally over the whole thing.  To which I then see people out of the corner of my eye staring at us like "How are they so snuggly, and still still so evil?"

To which there was much amusement.

For some reason, there is this stigma to being a switch that you can only be one thing at a time.  That it's impossible to enjoy being a sadist, and being submissive in the same moment.  People don't really know what to do with it, and for the most part, I find it entertaining.  Sometimes though, it's frustrating.  Just talk to me like a person.  If I'm looking for something to be used and done on me, I'll say so.  If it's something I want use on others, I have no problem saying that too.  Hell, sometimes I'll look at something in one hand that would feel fantastic on me, and in the other hand have some item I want to use to tear someone up.  And that makes things fun.

Thursday, February 19, 2015


So, Lux, being his sexy self, has decided to get into voice porn.
If your panties didn't immediately drop, you just don't know him yet.

Right now, he's still getting used to it, but he's keeping up with it, and I've been helping him by throwing ideas around, looking over scripts, and listening to recordings to make sure they are up to par.

Oh, the horrors of my life, having to make sure my partner who has a super sexy deep voice records things clearly.

However shall I deal with this burden?

With the release of the fifty shades movie over Valentine's, and with Lux and I going to Flea, we came up with the best plan ever!

You see, neither of us likes fifty shades, but it did create a huge pool of terrible parody books.

And so, I went hunting.

Oh yes!  This is going exactly where you think it is.

I found a myriad of terrible parodies, and sent him excerpts from each.  I even sent him one entire series of parodies, because they were that funny.  I've been reading them as well, because they are absolutely more comedy than porn.

And because I had trouble finding full copies of four different books, he has a list of fifty shades of grey.

In the literal sense.

So, while we are off, trying out different new sexy implements of doom, and enjoying some of our old ones, these recordings will be going live, and confusing the internet to no end!

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Not Always Necessary

I was listening to a podcast the other day, and it started discussing the idea of switches in power exchange relationships.  It talked about how a switch can be very capable of having a stable and static dynamic with one person, which I absolutely agreed with, and enjoyed hearing, because a lot of people claim it isn't the case.

What I didn't like about it however, was that it very adamantly pushes that switches must have open relationships, and need to have multiple partners so that they can constantly be satiating both sides of a power exchange.

And while this may be true for some switches, I absolutely do not fit into that category.

I can very happily have one partner, a steady dynamic, and not feel an unwavering need for more.  Admittedly, I do on occasion get slight cravings for the other side when this is the case, just because I haven't had the chance to indulge in it for a while, and it becomes apparent.  Usually, it comes out for a bit in the relationship I do have slightly, and after a little while goes away.

It however, is not a constant.   In fact, my cravings and moods tend to flux to be in line with whatever my partners happen to jive with.  So long as I have some number of things I drawn to being fulfilled, I am content, and the others will fade to the back, becoming fun little thoughts, but never being required.

Sometimes, it is difficult being a switch.  Everyone has so many ideas and theories.  People make a thousand judgments on how I will act and behave and what I need.

If there is one thing the vast majority of people who know me can tell anyone, it's that I generally cannot be predicted.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Need to Know

While talking to some friends recently the conversation turned to this:

"We know you're not officially dating [Lux], but how do you deal with him fucking other girls?"

"He tells me ahead of time it might happen, and then I yell at him to go rape people, leave giant handprints on their ass for me, and tell me about it afterward."

"Wait... you WANT to know?  If I was in a relationship that allowed my partner to fuck around, I wouldn't want to know any of it."

"Well, you might be more mentally stable than I."

And I meant that honestly.  I have no problem with a partner fucking someone else, or playing with others.  So long as they are consistent with how they treat me, follow basic respectful rules (things like condoms, alerting me of possible new partners) and let me know what happens.

I love having the comfort to encourage partners to go elsewhere.  I know they'll come back, and we'll snuggle, and giggle, and have the awesome familiar sex we get to have after learning about each other.  Nothing changes, except that they interacted with someone else's bits.  And I want to hear about it.  No secrets, no hidden details.  We'll giggle about it together, and everything is left in the open.

I hate grey areas.  Just like I don't ever enjoy playing in a situation where "NO" doesn't mean "NO", I don't want situations of "Well, I want you to be honest and share everything with me.  Except this.  And this.  And this too."

That creates shakes for me.  That's where it's unnerving, and jealousy kicks up.  These "Don't ask; don't tell" relationships I hear about really get me freaked.

And, I mean, it shows concern.  We ask what happens with someone's professional life, their hobbies, their interests and studies.  Why wouldn't we want to know the details of their sexual endeavors?  Something that can directly relate to our own well-being.  We should embrace openness in these areas, so we can feel more comfortable with our own sex lives with our partners.  

Sunday, February 08, 2015

Unable to be Anyone Else

I notice a lot of popularity in the scene tends to be around people finding space where they become someone else.  Age regression, Pet spaces, and other forms of dehumanization seem to be everywhere lately, and I'm never quite sure how I feel about it.

I know every case is different, but I never know whether to look at it more as having to remove themselves from a situation to embrace sexuality, or that they are so comfortable with themselves that they can be someone else as well.

I know that personally, I could never do it.  When it comes to my sexuality, and even switching, I'm always me.  I have to be.  I could be snuggled up with Lux, fixing him coffee, and kneeling at his feet, while giving tasks to another submissive, and never once feel confused or lose myself in the process.

I've got a lot of self confidence issues (surprise!) that may have become less apparent, or even barely existent over the years, but have impacted my sexuality as a whole.  I need to know someone is attracted to me in order to want to fuck them, and so any sort of role-play, or alternate space (outside of pain, or power exchange) actually turns me off, and freaks me out a bit.

I don't ever want to be someone else in order to have sex.  I spend too much of my life having to censor myself, and figure out how much I can show people.  When I finally do find someone I become friends with and want to have sex with them, I don't want to have to hide anymore.  I want to be myself, and nothing else.

It reminds me sometimes of how Thrax practically made me have to wear skirts, and lingerie, and underwear in order to get laid.  Preferably, I'd rather only wear underpants when I have my period, and even then I will curse them every day.  While I do think my legs and ass look good in thigh highs (which I have a ton of cute random ones) and a garter belt, I hate arguing with them, and wearing skirts anywhere near my family usually results in me being called a myriad of obscenities.  Not to mention having to be aware of myself at all times, because I still hate underpants.  I had to dress in a way that wasn't fitting to who I am every day if I wanted even a chance of having sex.

Mind you, sometimes I do want to be cute, and sometimes I do want the convenience of being able to simply hike up fabric and hop on a guy's lap.  This is usually when I already have other positive influence though.  Regardless, back on track.

And, I know, that at my core I am always me, and no matter how I dress, or how I act, I am still just me.  I don't want to put on an external of someone, or something else though.  I want someone to want me inside and out, to the point where otherwise really makes me feel shaken.

Thursday, February 05, 2015

One Does Not Define the Other

There are many reasons why I do not speak about sexuality, or sex in general with my parents.  The following are a few of those reasons.

We have a lot of people in and out of the house normally.  It's always been the case, and lately, we've had the family of my brother's childhood best friend (who is basically my adopted brother) here all the time.  As an adorable side note, their son who is just younger than the beast, is her best friend.  Friendship down generations is the cutest.

So, girlfriend of said adopted brother comes over for dinner a few days a week.  She missed one of her normal days, and so we checked in with her, and she said she was at a sex toy party, and would be over that night for leftovers.

When she came over, she and my mother were talking, discussing how she intends to throw a party herself, and wants me to go (which I would rather not, for a multitude of reasons), and that she is throwing the party so that she can get the vibrator she wants, which costs almost $200 (Dear gods am I ever happy I don't jerk off.  I so don't want to invest that kind of money in just diddling my bits).

She also talks about how one woman there was prudish during the games, and at one point walked out.  She also comments on how this woman is a lesbian.

My mother's immediate response?
"How can you be both a prude, and a lesbian?"

Um, by being human?
Not everyone is comfortable with sexuality.  Especially homosexuals, and older ones at that, might be afraid of sexuality in general because of judgement.  Maybe they simply don't feel comfortable with pictures of penises all over the place.

Maybe, like me, they have no desire to express their sexuality with people they aren't close to, or attracted to.  There are infinite reasons, but absolutely none that mean that orientation must determine one's comfort with sexuality.

They then start talking about how this woman was married twice previously, and is just considering herself a lesbian because she's tired of men, but is honestly bisexual.

And so my mother begins her tirade.  About how all people who claim to be bisexual are just confused, desperate for attention, or "are so much of a slut that they will have sex with anything that moves".

At this point I left the room, because I tired of hearing this bullshit from her.
Yes, I do believe there are people who claim to be bisexual for attention.  And their is bi-curiosity.  There are also people who are genuinely attracted to both genders.

I wanted to look at her, so badly, and say "You know that guy I've been fucking for the last year and a half?  The one you have said you like for me, and keep pushing that I'm dating?  Yea, we go out and check out boys together.  Then we go have sex, because we're attracted to each other."
But that would have made her flip shit, and she would decide she hated him, and didn't want us to be together, because he would undoubtedly cheat on me.
Because, y'know, one has to mean the other.

Once I composed myself I walked back in so I could grab food.  They are now discussing how the party has a special sale package in their newest catalog of bondage gear due to 50 shades coming out (just... don't get me started on this).

My mother instantly says she won't be going, because she doesn't want to be around anyone "sick enough to want any of the depravity mentioned in those books".

Cue me grabbing food as quickly as I can, and scooting out of the room.  She starts going off about how horrible the things in the book are, like making someone crawl, or binding their hands.

It takes every ounce of strength I have not to either start laughing hysterically, or explain that in a couple weeks I'll be going to a fetish convention with Lux, and Nessa who used to come over every week to dance, and I'll be hurting her, getting the shit beaten out of me, attending classes, looking at lots of pretty things, having a lot of sex, and likely a fair amount of power exchange all weekend.

And this is why I don't talk about any sort of sexuality with my parents.  They are openly against so much of my life, and absolutely refuse to believe anything else.

Sunday, February 01, 2015

100 Posts Later

Well, since this is my hundredth post to this blog, and it's right around the one year mark, I figure a real update is appropriate.

Things have finally calmed down now that all the holidays and birthdays are done.  Now I can focus on learning, and making, and getting myself into a much healthier situation, both physically and psychologically.

I've definitely formed the habit of working out every day that I can.  My body is changing, I find myself with more energy, and my flexibility and strength are improving.  It's greatly helping my body image issues to quiet down, and helps my mood a lot over all.  It's also encouraging me to eat better, and not have junk food or huge portions that will bog me down.  Finally, the kick in the ass that I apparently needed to give myself.

Lux, Nessa and I are off to a convention for Valentine's Day, and it has me plotting all sorts of things.  I want to print out lots of cute cards, and make cookies, and pack super cute outfits, and cause lots of mischief and make it a fantastic time for us all.  After the clusterfuck last year, I really need to make sure Lux has a better time this year.

I've been feeling incredibly inspired to make things, and have been pushing out some really beautiful and creative projects lately.  It's incredibly helpful for keeping me in a better mood, despite my living situation.

My parents at this point are the only thing dragging me down.  They continue to treat me like garbage, and I've realized that they are simply not able to be a part of my life if I want something close to a healthy and happy home life.

On a brighter note though, last weekend I finally got to spend some time with a few friends of mine, and it was a calm and relaxing couple of days that I needed.  Just a quick change of scenery to help me get my thoughts straight.  Lux showed up, so I also got much needed snuggles, even if it wasn't while we slept due to a crack in the bed in the guest room (It always eats someone, no matter how hard you try to avoid it).

Things are improving, and I'm determined to keep this upward climb going.