Thursday, April 30, 2015

Hijacked!

Lux has decided to give me homework, and so after moving posts around, I will be completing my assignment here.

This post will be edited throughout the day, to fulfill his domly orders.

9:57
1.  I learn quickly, and the vast majority of skills I have are entirely self taught.

12:00
2.  I have always preferred to experience like rather than hide from it, and as such have never had any interest in drugs, or to drink in order to escape sorrow or pain, which has surprised many people in my life.

14:02
3.  Despite everything I've gone through, I still take the risk of trusting other people.

16:00
4.  Back when I was in school, and actually recognized for my intelligence, I won a collection of academic awards, and was supposed to skip most of grammar school in hopes of being given a challenge.

17:52
5.  No matter what has happened, I've always managed to find myself.

20:01
6.  While the details of my body make me want to curl up in a ball, I have never had an issue with the curves of my figure.

22:00
7.  I am stronger than I seem, in every sense of the word.


Sunday, April 26, 2015

Stronger

I've been working out nearly every day for a few months now.  What started as a couple days a week is now every single day, unless I am out somewhere that it isn't an option, or my whole day is just too full, and I'm exhausted by the time I have a chance.  I only miss about one day every other week or so.

There have been definite, noticeable changes in my body because of it.  While I haven't lost weight, I'm seeing myself become more toned, especially in my arms and legs.  You can feel my abs under my tummy again (I will probably never have a visible six pack, due to the extra skin from pregnancy), and muscle is building in my chest, with the bit of fat I had around my ribs slowly going away.

I'm also building more flexibility, as I'm now able to tuck my feet behind my head the vast majority of the time, and it no longer hurts to bend forward and touch my toes (I'm a backbender, not a frontbender).

With this new building of strength and balance, I've also found myself able to do arm balancing, which is something I've never been able to do.  I can manage it fairly easily now, and am working on getting closer to headstands, and other fun things to throw in to my routine and continue to get into better shape.

And to top it off, I'm noticing that when I'm active, I rarely get tired.  If I'm dancing, I can handle a half hour of solid movement or longer before I need a break, and if I'm fucking Lux, I very rarely get worn out anymore.  This of course sometimes poses a problem for me, because I generally don't consider myself being done until I'm too tired to keep going, due to always wanting sex anyway.  It's not a matter of feeling sated, but simply needing a break.

I just need to get Lux to actually plant the habit of working out now, and if we're both going to be in solid healthy shape, then we can both bone without getting tired.


Thursday, April 23, 2015

A Bit More Specific

When it comes to normal play, especially of a nonsexual sort, I lean incredibly heavily toward the top side of things.  I want to be the one to illicit the screams of another, and have fun tearing someone up.

When it comes to sex though, at the very least in my past, I've fallen into more of the role of a bottom with partners, and it's something I questioned for a long time.  I've found that I'm much more of a sadomasochist when it comes to sex.  I equate force with desire, and direct physical force most specifically.  It's definitely where my primal orientation kicks in. 

When I've been with submissive men, and we're fooling around, they'll ask me what I want them to do, and it's seriously the biggest turn off ever.  I'll take control and speak up if I want something specific, but otherwise, I just want to work on instinct.  If someone feels the need to ask what to do, or feels like they need to be gentle, it reads to me that they don't want me, or don't actually want to touch me.  At least that's how it's always been for me.  If I have to ask someone what to do, it's because I don't know what to do with them, because I don't feel enough attraction to want to just enjoy them.  I should want to constantly be all over my partner, and even if I have to scale the amount of force I use to their preference, I should want to grab and pull and press and show real desire for them.

It also appears in my preferences for pain.  I usually don't enjoy things like rubber bands, painful bondage, tacks, or the like.  It's just a tool on a person.  There might not even be another person there for it to be done.  I much more greatly prefer body play, or impact.  Something that needs the physical force of a partner is much more attractive to me.

It's difficult to find people I mesh well with because of this.  Thrax never wanted me to touch him, and I'm still shaking myself of that sometimes.  Most domly people I notice think they need to completely chain me down in order to feel like they have control of me (which we know how I feel about that, and I can usually escape it).  And most submissive males think they need to be all weak and soft and just follow orders.  Finding someone who is somewhere inbetween, but doesn't actively switch isn't the easiest thing (also yet another reason on the pile of why I am perfectly content just fucking Lux), but I do appreciate the fuck out of those people when I find them.


Sunday, April 19, 2015

Little Victories

I'm going completely off the beaten path for one entry, but whatever.  Deal with it.

So, my father is incredibly picky when it comes to food.  Not only in the sense that he eats an incredibly limited selection of foods, but he only likes the foods he does eat a certain way.  He abhors change in all things, and this becomes a huge issue when it comes to recipes from his family.

There is one cake recipe I have from his grandmother, which was his favorite thing ever.  I made it for Lux for his birthday last year, with a from scratch mocha frosting that we loved.  The old man bitched the entire time about it having a frosting, and how the fact that it didn't have a glaze meant that I had fucked it up.
I made another one for the hell of it shortly after, to use up some excess ingredients in the fridge.  I went to make a glaze, and my mother walked in and decided to take over.  After making a ton of bad decisions, and me explaining to her why everything she was doing was wrong, she ignored me anyway, and wound up making toffee.  Literally as my mother poured the toffee onto the cake, the old man yelled, and threw a fit about us fucking it up again.

Well, last weekend my brother's best friend, who is basically another older brother of mine had his birthday dinner.  His fiancé said to make the cake, and asked if I could make a peanut butter frosting this time.  I took on the task, and I found it all delicious.

And so did the old man.  He has not only gone without bitching, but has gone on about how much he likes it.

I WIN.

That is all.


Thursday, April 16, 2015

A random break

So, as of writing this, I am at Lux's place.

The gnome said he was going to take the beast for most of her spring break, and so Lux wanted to capture me for a couple days, to get me away from my family, and so we could get in much needed snuggles and sexytime.

And, despite him repeatedly saying I don't have to, I've spent the morning cleaning up the place.  He'd just try to get cleaning done while I'm here, before he heads south to spend time with his parents, and that time could better be spent sucking his cock.  So, I will clean now, to enjoy myself more later.

Also, he tries to balance a lot, and so I enjoy doing what I can to make his life a bit more peaceful. 

We're both so busy during the next month or so, that he needs it, and the extra snuggles that we'll have time for then is something I need. 

And, when I'm not cleaning I can play with chainmaille instead of doing the crochet project I should be doing.

Hooray!


Sunday, April 12, 2015

Something a bit Different

I'm fairly certain that I've mentioned before that I thought I was asexual through my teens.  What was my sex drive, I assumed was just a normal feeling, and a craving more for adrenaline than sex.  I dated more as a change of scenery than anything, and had no real attraction to them.

Everyone I fooled around with when I was younger was what I now know fits into my (admittedly broad spectrum of) physical "type".  They were just my friends though, so I didn't think anything of it.  However, my dating history didn't reflect that.

Sure, my first boyfriend fit the bill, but he had no self confidence, and was incredibly insecure, and so it destroyed his only real chance.  I barely wanted to put my hands on him, and he was so sexually closed minded that it was a good thing we only lasted six months. 

The next few people I dated were tall, but skinny, and again I had no real attraction.  It's a good thing they lasted even less time.

I was still in high school at this point, and did find myself attracted to a few people there, and at some of the places I frequented.  They all fit a certain body type, but I wasn't thinking about that.  I just continued to think of it as the constant annoyance of my libido, that I was very ignorant about.

When I wasn't dating someone though, I was fooling around with Kitty, who was not only my type physically, but personality wise as well.  And with a sex drive as high as mine, it is no surprise that we were constantly on each other, and he wound up getting my v-card. 

After that, I became much more aware of what my sex drive actually was, how abnormally high it is, and started to realize that I do have a physical preference in partners.

My favorite discovery with this though, occurred in a way that absolutely proved my preferences. 

Just before this blog started, was a wedding, and a party following, where family showed up, namely a friend's kid brother.  After the entire weekend went by with everyone trying to talk me into fucking him, I was tired of telling them all that it wouldn't happen.

Mind you, this boy is adorable, and someone that most women would be tearing the clothes off of.  He's a capoiera maestre, does free rock climbing, and is artsy.  He's also super ripped. 

So, we are curled up one night because we want to make everyone think we had sex to fuck with them.  At one point, he takes my hand and slides it up his shirt, onto his abs.

My immediate thoughts were the following:
"Lumpy..."
"This doesn't even feel like a person"
"If this is an attempt for me to start groping, I feel awkward"
"Lumpy..."
"I think my vagina just sealed up and my junk crawled up into my chest"
"Lumpy..."

And so, I felt very confident in the fact that I do have a more specific preferred body type than I thought, and that I will continue to want to bang the shit out of men built like brick walls.  Because big men need love too.


Thursday, April 09, 2015

Getting set for ADVENTURE!

Lux and I go on a lot of adventures together.  Generally, with the exception of one thing last year, all our adventures have included the other. 

Usually, we have a sort of system.  He takes care of big arrangements, and I handle all the little details.  It winds up creating a fairly even experience, we know everything is taken care of, and it means that when we get where we're going, we can just relax and enjoy. 

This happens to work particularly well when it comes to faires, and camping.  I have most of the gear and, and get the food ready, and he just makes sure we get registered, and gets us there. 

Well, this year we have one small weekend camping trip next month, and then in August, right after our birthdays, we'll be heading to Pennsic for my first time there, and spending a full week.  Lux decided to ignore my tent, and is getting us a massive pavilion, which I have been told I just need to make into a beautiful and functional camp space.

I'm trying to get as much as possible done before our smaller trip, so we can use a lot of the gear as a sort of test run.  I have almost enough garb for myself, and enough linens for camp, and big furniture taken care of.  What I need right now is storage for all the little stuff.  Sure, we can live out of totes and duffles for a weekend, but with a week long trip that gets old.  I know I want to be comfortable and not just wade through stuff all over the floor, and I'm sure Lux feels the same way.

However, I'm really excited to put together a fully stocked and comfy camp.  It might be mostly just for the two of us, but if I'm not going to be making something fantastic for us, I shouldn't worry about entertaining others.

So I've been plotting, and planning, and making, and busy.  It's sort of a long distance form of service.  I'm doing everything I can, so that when we get to the site, and start unloading, I can send him off to park, and when he gets back, he can see the temporary home I put together for us, and completely relax and enjoy.

Just put things in my hands, and I'll be happy to go above and beyond.


Sunday, April 05, 2015

Unbound

I think one of the first things people ask, or assume when they find out I do the kink thing is if I'm into bondage.  And, it's kind of hard to explain to people.

Sure, I'm into it.  There's a lot of fun to it, serves great utility, and can be great for disciplinary purposes.

However, it's not something I really crave ever.  I often joke that I'm too impatient for it, and it's more true than people realize.  If I'm gonna get beaten up, slap some cuffs on me to get my hands out of the way, or just skip it and start beating me up.  Instead of some elaborate tie to keep me on the bed while fucking, I'd rather be pinned down so hard my arms bruise.

And, honestly, I find it distracting.  I move around a lot.  I'm very wriggly, and snuggle in while being beaten. I grab my partner a lot during sex, and want to grope all over them.  While being beaten, if I can move to react, I can take more.  Having to fight restraints and limit my movement means I can't just relax and enjoy all the pain going on.  I can't grope on my partner, and enjoy them, or have the freedom of moving how I want to. 
There is something impersonal about it.  It takes out the energy of emotion and force that makes play and sex fun.



Generally, bondage on it's own does nothing for me sexually.  It makes me giggle, but it needs to be some sort of utility toward something greater.  Even if it is some significantly more intense power exchange, it's something.

So many people just think as soon as they know how much I'm in to, that I'm all about rope, and cuffs, and all manner of bondage.  I'd much rather have the shit beaten out of me.


Thursday, April 02, 2015

Craving

This last week was really hard on me.  I've had a lot digging at me, and not much actually helping me relax, or reset at all.

It has me wanting power exchange as a more regular appearance in my day.  Whether to be service, or little reminders of dynamics that make me feel wanted. 

I don't know why, but when I have my family trying to control me, and actively treating me like shit, I crave having someone that I can just relax and serve and take care of, and just have tiny little reminders that I am wanted, and appreciated, and owned, and not the piece of shit that they tell me I am.  It lets me completely reset, and actually have positivity to lift me up more.

And it doesn't even need to be anything huge.  I'm not a fan of micromanagement and insane dehumanizing levels of control.  Just little expressions and acts will do way more for me, and make me feel incredible amounts better.

Feeling like I'm wanted, and having positivity in my life is so different from my everyday, that it really does help me in a way that most don't understand.  It's one of the things that I enjoy most about power exchange on either side.  Sure, it can be sexy, and get me off, and be fun as hell, but at a base level, I enjoy it all at times other than that, to make me feel level and content.

Sometimes a week of being treated horribly can be fixed just by taking care of someone, and sitting at their feet.


Craving

This last week was really hard on me.  I've had a lot digging at me, and not much actually helping me relax, or reset at all.

It has me wanting power exchange as a more regular appearance in my day.  Whether to be service, or little reminders of dynamics that make me feel wanted. 

I don't know why, but when I have my family trying to control me, and actively treating me like shit, I crave having someone that I can just relax and serve and take care of, and just have tiny little reminders that I am wanted, and appreciated, and owned, and not the piece of shit that they tell me I am.  It lets me completely reset, and actually have positivity to lift me up more.

And it doesn't even need to be anything huge.  I'm not a fan of micromanagement and insane dehumanizing levels of control.  Just little expressions and acts will do way more for me, and make me feel incredible amounts better.

Feeling like I'm wanted, and having positivity in my life is so different from my everyday, that it really does help me in a way that most don't understand.  It's one of the things that I enjoy most about power exchange on either side.  Sure, it can be sexy, and get me off, and be fun as hell, but at a base level, I enjoy it all at times other than that, to make me feel level and content.

Sometimes a week of being treated horribly can be fixed just by taking care of someone, and sitting at their feet.