Sunday, May 31, 2015

Always Learning

Generally, I never know when I'm done fucking.  For the longest time, I had partners who couldn't keep up with the amount of sex I wanted.  On top of that, they were done before I'd even gotten warmed up, or I simply didn't wear out.  I never got sore, or tired, or wanted to slow down.

Now, I have a Lux, and we both want to fuck all the time, and it's wonderful.  He fucks me way harder than most of my past partners, for a longer amount of time, and has a way bigger dick, so he pretty much fucks my cervix the entire time.  This is also all wonderful. 
We're also both the type that as soon as we have the chance, we want to be fucking.  For a while, greeting each other involved getting naked, and being pinned against a wall.  Also wonderful.

So, even though I can take a pounding, and I still want to fuck a lot, there are spots that start to get a bit tender.  Either from friction, or Lux pummelling the same spot with the head of his cock for hours.  While spending a long weekend with him, and fucking a ton, I learned some things.

After the first few times we fuck, we need to start actually spending time on foreplay.  My body needs that build up of endorphins to be able to put aside the sore spots, and enjoy fucking more.  At one point, while he fucked me off the side of the bed, he started choking me with perfect force, and my body got all fuzzy, and suddenly everything felt ten times more amazing.  I also really love being choked.

Lux, when you read this, keep choking me like that.  Dear gods were those warm and fuzzies amazing, and I want to feel it all the time.

Force and desire is hot, yes.  But apparently my body has decided that after a while, I need to slow down and get everything running more carefully.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Will hurt them

Several of the blogs I follow on Tumblr frequently ask for "confessions".  Little anonymous things they've done, sexual or otherwise, without the worry of anyone finding out what they've done.

A good bulk of these have to do with people cheating on their partners, or all manner of going behind their backs, many times ending it with the phrase "What they don't know won't hurt them."

And dear gods, that freaks me out so badly, to the point where I frequently think about unfollowing the blogs. 

Even what they believe to be little things like this destroys trust.  That line of where honesty sits starts moving, and once you've hidden one thing, you decide to hide so many more.  Keeping track of lies or stories, and details that have been omitted.

And it creates a sense of paranoia.  If you've hidden these things, and decided to destroy the promises you've made to care for and be honest to a loved one, who's to say they haven't done the same?  So you do more out of imaginary vengeance.  And it all crumbles down.

It isn't hard to tell your partner your fantasies.  To let them know about what you need, and who you are.  Letting them know can create comfort and peace of mind with your partner, and may make things even better for everyone involved.  And if they are really needs for your life, your partner should understand.  If they can't accommodate in some form, they simply may not belong in that part of your life. 

It's not hard to be honest, and as someone who has dealt with a ton of lies from partners, I can very clearly say that it does nothing good for anyone involved.

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Said So

I read on another blog recently, the finer points of the phrase "Because I said so" in regards to power exchange.  While I could tell what he was talking about, there was a lot of reiteration of the same points, and talking in circles.

However, it immediately made me think of how that phrase is a great way to look at the differences between the power exchange I had with Thrax, and what I have now with Lux.

Thrax ran his dommypants attitude with "Because I said so".  He just figured being the domly person was a way to get me to say and do whatever he wanted, regardless of my comfort, who I was, or how I felt, and then not have to do anything about it.  He'd ignore everything I said most of the time, until it was what he wanted to hear, or try to reprimand me for not giving him the desired answer to questions.

It was childish.  Like the beast stomping her feet saying she didn't want to eat what I'd given her because I put butter on it instead of tomato sauce.  Or more accurate yet, telling her she doesn't have time to play in the tub, because she spent too much time jumping on her bed, and now has to get dried off for stories.  It showed no regard for anything other than his own selfish attitude, and that he was too afraid that considering others might be seen as a weakness.

And then there's Lux, who is paranoid and bundle of nerves, and I appreciate every moment of it.  I have to run on autopilot a lot with him, because he tries to do everything himself.  It's often my job to take care of things before he gets a chance, or just tell him I'm doing them.  When he asks me to do things for him, I know it's his way of trying to be more comfortable with it, so I make sure to do it to help with this, as well as because I enjoy doing things for him.

If he ever asked me to do something, and I asked why only to receive the "Because I said so" I know it would either be something incredibly important, or because it would lead to something really fun for us both later.

So much of power exchange is just knowing when.  When to be soft, or push back playfully.  When to obey completely and when to pull all the dommypants.  And it all just goes into the care for your partner.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Being Busy

The next three weeks are going to involve a lot of running around for me, and it's mostly all good things.

Notice: this is being written a week before it goes live.  I will try to adjust as necessary, and multiple plans of action will be discussed.  There will be fun updates about what does occur after things calm down again.

So, as you read this, I'm hopefully on my way to spend a long weekend with Lux.  While I generally avoid leaving my house on Memorial day weekend due to where I live, I'll be travelling in the opposite direction as everyone else, and it's to spend some much needed time relaxing.  I'm not quite sure what the plan is yet, but it'll be good for us both.

On the off chance that doesn't work, I'll be spending the long weekend with some family who I haven't seen for a while.  Both these plans are fun, but I'm really hoping for some time to have fun with Lux.

Next weekend, is war camp, which will involve camping out in the woods, and getting to spend some more time with Lux.  I've been busy prepping things, and digging out all the camping gear, and it should be a fantastic time.

The weekend after, which puts us into June, is unfortunately a wedding I have been told I have to go to.  It is for a family my parents are friends with that is very closed-minded and naïve.  I can't hold much of a conversation with any of them, and I'll know no one there.  My father is also the type to go up to the Emcee, and have them try to ask me to make an appearance on the dance floor if I'm not up there with everyone else, or doing all the wedding crap I think is bullshit.  Oh yea, just what I want to deal with.  I've been trying to use the squish as an excuse not to go, but it hasn't worked yet.

So, besides one thing, the next few weeks should be hectic, but fun.

Sunday, May 17, 2015


Last week for Mother's Day, we had a big bbq with all the important family.  Both my siblings were there, my pseudo adopted brother, his fiancé, their son, and some friends of theirs we know, along with their two daughters, which went to the same  day care as the beast before she started kindergarten.

I got to spend Mother's day eating copious amounts of meat and veggies, drinking good beer, and playing in a bounce house.  I also got to harass said pseudo older brother, because it's how I tell him I love him.  Not a bad day honestly.

At one point, pseudo sister-in-law asked how Lux was doing, and I informed her of how he was sick all the week prior.  Her friend asked who we were talking about and she said "[Loki] has a 'friend' named [Lux]" air quotes and all.  She was drunk on fireball at this point.  I asked what the term "friend" was for, and she just said "Y'know, 'friend'... he knows what I'm talking about."

At this point, I stop giving a shit about speaking around anything, and flat out say "You mean my really close friend who is a guy, and I bone?"
To which her friend says "Oh, a friend with benefits" and I completely fall off the conversation.  The term has always kind of bothered me, but that really dug in the wrong way.

I've never really understood why sexual contact provides the title of "benefits" to a friendship, but nothing else.  What if a friend is incredibly inspiring?  What if they always show up when you're not feeling well with your favorite comfort food?  Or if they know how to find something on the regular that improves your day?  These aren't benefits to a friendship? 

It makes whatever is there seem so limited, and throws a friendship into this box that has no room for growth or uniqueness.  All of the people in my life sort of wind up with their own title of friendship, rather than just a box.  Very few people are just a friend to me.

And honestly, saying Lux is a friend seems very incomplete to me.  Even though we aren't formally dating, we definitely treat each other like we're more than friends.  It gets somewhat difficult at times to explain the relationship we have, and even moreso when I can't mention the power exchange that's present.

It goes into that comfort some people feel with having simplicity in things.  They don't want to process things outside of very specific boxes and situations.  Sometimes, those boxes just don't work.

Thursday, May 14, 2015


There are certain terms I have problems with.  I always have, and it's something that's always turned me off to partners, and just make me feel awkward.  I have actually completely turned down potential partners due to their incessant use of these terms, because I really can't get past them.

The one that causes the most issue for me, is being referred to as "bad" or "naughty". 

In the same line as my dislike of punishment as a form of play, I don't want what I'm doing to be considered ill, then have it be enjoyed.  If it was bad, you wouldn't want me to do it again.  You wouldn't smile from it.  There would be no rejoicing involved, or reinforcement. 

My open acknowledgement of my sexuality isn't naughty.  I don't want my behavior to be considered taboo, but rather simply being me expressing my comfort with myself.  If I stole your food, or the last beer from the fridge, that would be naughty.  If I hid something you wanted to use, just to see you frustrated, that would be naughty. 

I'm not naughty.  I am troublesome, and a bit of a brat.  I'm also often rather devious, but I sure as hell am not naughty in a sexual sense.  I am open, honest, respectful, chill, and fun as hell when it comes to sex, no part of which is anything that could be considered bad.

Sunday, May 10, 2015


I've always enjoyed the English language.  Written word especially is something that has been a hobby of mine, and how to correctly articulate exactly what I wish to.  I read books on grammar for fun, despite that I now cringe when listening to others speak, or reading most of what they type up. 

When I was in middle school, and high school, I made extra money editing for friends.  Sometimes it was college essays, and others it was fanfiction.  At one point I was devoting a few evenings a week to editing erotica for folks, back in my Gaia days.

I have to say that it's made me fairly numb to reading any sort of smut at this point.  No matter how descript, sexual aspects of writing tend to get me bored rather than turned on, and I find myself wanting more from it.

And that's the case with a lot of porn.  I find myself bored of it, giggling at it, or just wanting it to feel more complete.  Sexual content as a whole does very little for me, in most cases.  And it's the impersonal aspect of it. 

A friend, who is a partner of mine could write a ton of even mildly prurient statements to me, and each one will have me turned on.  I can find myself contentedly frustrated with their nudes, and unable to function while listening to their voice.  But it is their own person that has this effect. 

I received messages and pictures from people I've only barely met online, and it does nothing.  I have no real sexual attraction to them beyond the surface, no matter how pretty they are. 


Damn do I love watching someone be tortured.  Even more when I get to see how much the sadist enjoys it.  The way they so meticulously tear apart the victim, and fall in love with every scream.

Oh man, it just makes me want to find someone to rip to pieces.  And that I can want to do to random people.  I will see someone pretty, and want nothing to do with them sexually, but absolutely crave seeing their face twist in agony.

This is apparently rubbing off on Lux.  Oh well!

Thursday, May 07, 2015

Jewish Penicillin

Last weekend, Lux and I had a fantastic time at Spring Caravan.  There were some really wonderful performances, we got to see awesome people, and I got myself a new dress as a Mother's day present.

I really do love the vibe of this event.  It's just chill, and fun, with a lot of great things to see, but not nearly as crowded as Rakkasah East in the fall.  And working back stage at the end of the night like I have been basically just means a mini dance party.

However, after dancing until late at night, and getting back up to our room exhausted, Lux woke up Sunday completely fucked with how sick he was.  After he barely made it back to my place, he promptly passed out in my bed, and I informed him that he wouldn't be going home until he felt better. 

So I spent two days snuggled up and taking care of him.  And he couldn't talk, so he couldn't tell me no, or complain that I was doing too much for him.  Honestly, I was happy to spend the extra time with him, and to take care of him as much as I could.

Also, I have to say I find it much easier to wake up in the morning when there is naked, gorgeously sexy menfolk to grope in bed with me.  Lux being sick or not, I still wanted to molest him constantly.  And so I did.  Because he didn't seem to mind.

On Sunday he kept thanking me for putting up with him.  Not once yet have I ever had to put up with him.  Well, no, that's a lie.  He is often very late to get moving if he doesn't have a definite time to be somewhere, and that sometimes bothers me.  But that is one thing that is very small in the grand scheme of things, and nothing else has bothered me in the slightest.  Him being sick is definitely not something I can hold against him, or be upset over.

Maybe one day he'll be less paranoid, but it's not something I actually care about.

Sunday, May 03, 2015

Sappy crap ahead

A few months ago I talked about kitty.  My best friend through many of my formative years, who held my hand, and I held his, until he chose to side with a girl he was with, in an attempt to stubborn through and make a relationship succeed after his failed marriage.

Well, they broke up, he has realized that he is not meant for stubborning his way through monogamy for the picket fence dream, and has found partners who are more accepting of him, and the past we have.

And yes, that means he has started talking to me again.  We've caught up just enough to be up to speed on current goings on, but it's like we were never really gone.  Do I even need to mention how fantastic this is?  It only took him five minutes to say how much he missed talking with me, and how much better he feels after contacting me.

So, now for the super sappy crap that probably no one will feel like reading.

I don't believe in "true" love.  I don't believe in love at first sight.  I do believe in soul mates, but that there isn't just one for everyone.  You can meet them at different points in your life, and you may find two, or twenty, and they may only be in your life for a day or a decade, or until you die.

They are the people who walk into your life and make you feel calm.  Those people who you can babble nonsense to, and they'll understand every bit of it, and know exactly what it means is happening with you.  The ones who just settle into a place in your life, and they're stuck there forever.  It doesn't matter if they leave, and come back a year later, they just settle right back in and it's like nothing changed, and peace is created again.

Kitty is one of those for me, and I learned that a long time ago.  And while we'd kill each other if we ever dated, we'll create the peace and aid in each other's lives that we both need in whatever ways we can, and love every minute of it.

And no, this isn't me saying I'm magically poly now.  While I might have a really difficult time figuring out whether to snuggle Lux or Kitty if they were in the same room, it doesn't change any of my current feels, and I'm very happy with things being that way. 

My home may be toxic, but outside, I could not feel luckier for the people I have in my life.