Sunday, June 28, 2015

Levels

So, there's been a lot of stress at home lately.  My brother recently moved down to North Carolina with his emotionally abusive girlfriend, and my uncle was declared terminal in the last couple weeks.  My parents basically treat me like a punching bag for stress, and barely give me basic human respect normally, so I've been a wreck. 
The Thursday before Father's Day my parents decided they were going to go see my uncle out near Chicago.  The idea of being stuck in a car with them for two days each way, and with family members that I can't hold a conversation with for a week was giving me anxiety attacks, so I told them I didn't want to go.  Upon discussing the trip to the beast, she also said she didn't want to go.  I don't blame her.  What six year old would want to sit in a car for two days at a shot?

Earlier before all of that, Lux had mentioned wanting to go see his family, and Nessa over the weekend.  He also said he wanted to see me due to my already high stress levels.  I told him I would be fine, and to prioritize the plans he already had.  As the chaos of the week unfolded, I vented to him because I didn't have much way to decompress, and felt physically horrible due to the anxiety, and felt badly due to it, with him already trying to balance so much.  He assured me I wasn't being a pain in the ass, but it didn't stop me from feeling like one, and so we continued through the week.

On Father's Day, we were grilling at home, and had some normal folks over, including the beast's best friend, who is a slightly insane four year old boy.  At one point, while having to juggle about twenty things at once, I heard the front door open, and thought the little boy had run into the front yard.  I pop my head out from the kitchen, and saw Lux standing there unexpectedly.

Sometimes, being a sociopath is less fun than others.  His surprise had me feeling so incredibly happy, because I missed him, and adored the impromptu visit.  But where some people would have leapt upon him, my happiness internalized, and while he very quickly got a hug, it wasn't the reaction most people would have.  We snuggled as much as we could, and snuck off for a quick fuck, but even such a short visit helped me so much.

And now a few days later, his stress levels are higher, and his paranoia causes him to ask if we are ok.  Well, here it all is.
I miss him.  A lot.  It's been over a month since we had real time together.  I do have Kitty to talk to now, and we do want to get together face to face again, but he's not Lux, and they both have their own places in my life.  However, the same thing will hold true.  They both are stuck with me, in the exact place they have, until they either die, or seriously fuck up.  And by seriously, I mean life altering fuck up.  Something akin to permanent harm in regards to me or the beast.  Until then, there's not much we can't talk out, and I'm not afraid to speak up if it happens.  We are fine, and my only complaint is that I'd like to see you soon.


Thursday, June 25, 2015

Why I Need What I Do

There's a lot of toxicity in my family.  A lot of inconsistencies, untruths, broken promises, and negativity.  It creates a shattering amount of stress, and is terrible for me in every way.

I enjoy being submissive because I enjoy taking care of partners.  I love the comfort that comes with putting myself in someone else's hands, and having someone to give me the drive to grow, and make them proud of who they have.

But I absolutely can't have what I do at home.  I need to know I should constantly be working to please my domlyperson.  If I feel like I'll be ignored, or shit on no matter what I do, I'll do whatever I want, because there's no reason for me to be unhappy and get nothing out of it.  I need positive reinforcement to counteract how I'm constantly told negative things. 

While I don't need a lot, that stern, but positive manner is absolutely vital.  It centers me, keeps me obedient (well... mostly), and does all manner of good for me.  Things like contradictory mindfuck based on control will piss me off before anything, and ignoring things I do because you don't feel like reprimanding me will leave me feeling disinterested in power exchange at all.  Not because I need to be punished, but because I need to know when I'm doing something wrong.

Even during play, I need someone who can buckle down at times, to keep me in line.  Stern, positive dominance will keep me in line, and less likely to brat out, crack jokes, or fall into giggles.  And while that can be fun, it has a time and place. 

For me, power exchange is absolutely a case where if I have a dom willing to put in the work, I'll return the favor a thousand fold.


Sunday, June 21, 2015

Of Bioshock and Sociopaths

There's a lot of logic that goes into everything I do, and all my odd trains of thought.  No matter how outlandishly beyond the box I may go, there's still a line of (somewhat) sound logic to go from.  This goes into my kink as well, and today most specifically, power exchange. 

Now, if you look up any LP of Bioshock, it'll turn into a ton of comments about how anything they say in response to the Little Sisters sounds wrong, and make a ton of Big Daddy jokes.  It very much puts the spotlight on how daddies are caretakers in the kink sense, and if age play is concerned, it's very much not pedophilia.  And then it reminds me of how Lux will occasionally say he has a craving to be called daddy, but doesn't expect it from me, because of my personal dislike of age play.

But, that title isn't just age play, and I'm very aware of that.  The reason I don't use that title is because it's not the dynamic we have.  Daddies to me are the protective caretakers that have to watch over and dote upon their partners.  While Lux takes very good care of me, that's not what he does, or what I need.  I am very service oriented, and like to do as much as I possibly can for my domlyfolk.  I however, need someone to keep me inspired.  Someone who can kick me in the ass, and remind me of what's important, and be a positive influence.

He very much fills that, and even if we don't get heavily into power exchange, he is a wonderful master, and I know he's in charge without him having to extert that power he has.  But he's not a daddy to me, and that's totally cool.

I'm not against the term though.  After I kicked out the gnome, I had a tabletop game going with Felix where I was his characters childre, and so it turned into a ton of jokes of him being daddy, and it became a flirty game, that died off after a bit.  The dynamic was never there though, and he's actually submissive towards me more often than not.  Still, it's some form of example though.

I'm not meant to be someone's little girl.  I'm not meant to have a daddy.  I'm meant to be a slave, and care for a master who gives me enough control and influence to thrive, and I have just that.


Thursday, June 18, 2015

Off the Beaten Path

Recently, I had to go to a wedding with my parents, for a friend of the family.  Overall, I found the evening incredibly boring, and a big pile of awkward because I knew no one, but during the cocktail hour, while sitting outside, I did wind up having an interesting conversation.

I was on the end of a large couch, my parents next to me, and some friends of the bride on the other side of the coffee table, in stolen chairs from a dining room inside.  They started fawning over the venue, and the dress, and all the details, talking about how they envision their wedding.  Then they asked me what I would like when I get married.

Me: I have no real desire to get married.  I don't really romanticise it, and find weddings to be a superficial attempt at bluffing status.

Them: But, you mom told me at the rehearsal last night that you were dating someone, but he couldn't make it for the wedding?

Me: I'm not dating anyone.  And the person she is referencing lives four hours away, and can very rarely take time off work, so I didn't even bother asking, because I didn't want him to deal with the awkwardness of being put in a room with two hundred strangers.

Them: So, you're not dating?

Me: Nope.  I care about him absolutely, and he means the world to me, but we don't attach the titles of a conventional relationship to avoid the societal expectations the general public puts on them.

Them: But it's a guy.

Me:  Yes, I can in fact have friends regardless of gender.

Them: But don't you want to marry him someday?

Me: Like I said, I don't romanticise marriage, but see it more as a legal tool.  I hope he stays a very important part of my life for as long as possible, but I feel no need to add a title.  Now, tell me, how do you define a successful relationship?

Them:  Well, you get married, and have kids and don't get divorced.

Me: So, happiness has nothing to do with it?  You can get married, be pressured into kids, and hate your spouse, but since you didn't get a divorce, it's successful?  I'd rather find someone who makes me happy, and that I can make happy without feeling the need to announce that they've had a lapse in sanity and decided to legally bind themself to me, but rather just stay there of their own free will.

(At this point my mother comments on how she forgets how badly I deal with having to converse with the general public, and the girls are dumbfounded)

Them: But I want a ring, and a dress, and the special day.

Me: Which are all empty status symbols.  And given the divorce rate, a useless expression of ill thought emotion that quickly becomes empty, and leaves a couple in debt, for the couple to remember long after their separation.  But these are my own sociopathic observations, and I tend to look at all things with nothing more than a cold logic, admittedly.

Them: I can't even follow you anymore.

Me:  Society tells you that getting married is a rite of passage, and that you're not worth less as time goes on without a ring on your finger, despite your own passions, successes, and happiness.

Them: That... makes a lot of sense.  My family often pushes me to get married, but has no other interest in the rest of my life.

Me: And that's exactly what I mean.  Especially women, are expected to become wives, and nothing past that is necessary.  And it's bullshit.  Do what makes you happy, without society dictating it.

And then we were shooed off to the dining room for a shitty dinner.  But at least I started to wake up someone to the pressures of society and gender.


Sunday, June 14, 2015

Context Clues

I've talked on here a ton of times about how most pornography does nothing for me.  About how I find it boring, or simply something to giggle at, if it depicts any form of sexual conduct.  And how the only time I can be aroused by outside images is generally if it is focused on torture itself.

A couple weeks ago Lux and I were in the car, and he was talking about porn he found hot, and I just giggled at it.  His immediate reaction was to ask why we have sex so often.  That whenever he mentions porn he's seen, I find it funny, and never say if I find it hot.  I had to remind him that a heavy majority of what turns me on is context.  More than half of what he tells me he sees may make me giggle at mentioning it, but if he were to do it, I'd be all about it. 

When I came back from camping recently, we were plotting nefarious plots of sexy things, like we normally do.  And he mentioned something about us playing with another guy, and not allowing me to make him cum via heteronormative ways.  I told him I'd have no interest in it, but would love to just tear him apart.
He was reminded that I would likely only have sexual contact with him, and again I had to remind him how important context is to me.
I may look at a man and remark how hot he is.  I may even say when first looking at him that I would fuck him half dead.  However, if he were to walk up to me and ask, and I would put real thought into it, I'd turn him down almost assuredly.  I would offer to beat the shit out of him though.

My mind is so firmly set on having to know anyone I do anything sexual with, whether it be making out, or having marathon sex.  I can have a physical attraction to someone, but far and away any sexual attraction is due to chemistry via personality.

And, really, why have to deal with fucking someone new, and likely being bored with it, when Lux is there, who I enjoy fucking, and we've hit the point where we know how to bone each other right.  I mean, sure, he could order me to fuck someone else, but I doubt he'd want attention taken from him. 
Although it might be fun for the both of us to be spouting snark about how someone else needs to be fucking me better. 


Thursday, June 11, 2015

Shelf life

A few weeks ago, Lux brought up a thought he'd had about power exchange.  Who the responsibility belongs to start it, and which party should keep it going.  He said the answer of both is a cop out, but it's probably the most honest.

Domlyfolk need to acknowledge the submission of their property.  Even if they aren't always actively taking control, they need to see that those actions are present, and make their findings known.  Simple affirmations can be enough, just to encourage it to keep going, without spouting orders and punishment.

Likewise, the submissive needs to keep in mind their little rules.  Asking permission, small acts of service, verbal reminders, all work to keep the domlyfolk happy, and able to keep the exchange in mind. 

A smoothly working power exchange doesn't need to always be in focus to be present, but the actions should continue on all parts involved.  No need for constant kneeling, orders, or grand expression.  They're fun yes, and they do well to keep things in check when necessary, but small actions from both sides, that keeps it working long term.

And sometimes, things falter.  One side is busy, or stressed, or life gets in the way.  And the other side might feel like giving up.  It is the responsibility of both parties to say if they can put it aside for a while, or if trying to keep going will help or hinder.
Every exchange can only be put aside for so long though.  After so long you have to start from scratch, or need to find an entirely new dynamic with how you've changed over that break.  These aren't really the fault of either party, but it can be troublesome. 

Remembering how centering exchange is though, and expressing it and your appreciation for your partner can be the most empowering thing to a dynamic possible.


Sunday, June 07, 2015

Selfregulating

I've mentioned before how few actual rules I have with Lux.  There are far more things I make into hard and fast rules for myself than he does, and he often doesn't think of them, because he doesn't feel the need to make them official rules himself.

Over last weekend, I had to remind him of one of those, because he was expecting something very different to happen.

For those not keeping up, Lux is the only person I've fucked for about a year and a half now.  The only person I've submitted to, and the only person I've bottomed to in the same amounts of time.  And even though there is not official vanilla relationship titles, we pretty much treat each other with the same respect as though they are there.

He told me after I had gotten home, that he'd expected to hear of me playing with others.  And then I had to get something very straight with him.

Up until this point, whenever there has been even the slightest idea that I'd be playing with someone else, I asked for permission first.  And I'm talking each time that chance was there.

That's not going to change.  He's in charge, and even if I don't have to, I'm going to ask.  I want to be sure he's comfortable with it, and if he has any specific things he needs in order to be comfortable with it.  I know he's generally fine with me topping, and even the slightest bit of submitting to someone else is not an option, so I can make plans with that much more easily.  In general though, I plan to always ask permission, whether it be sex, play, or whatever is involved.

And if I know he's asleep, it means the option is off the table, and that's cool.  If I don't get an answer, it means no.  Part of having an open dynamic is about about constant and thorough consent on all parts.  It's all about the respect of partners, and having everyone be happy and feeling safe for as long as they are meant to bring joy to your life.


Thursday, June 04, 2015

Cheat sheet

I've finished most of my big things for the next while, and now I can focus on a few things coming up, then get ready for Pennsic.  Which, this weekend reminded me of all the fun things I need to be aware of while Lux and I are off together for a week.

So, Lux, keep this post handy, because it shows everything you need to be aware of.

There aren't many things that slow me down.  I don't have many allergies, and no physical ailments that need attention.  It's kind of weird to be one of the only people I know who can say that.

However, the heat kicks my ass.  I am very susceptible to heat stroke, and have blacked out from it a couple times.  I have to be really careful and self aware, and that might mean having to shove water at me to remind me to drink.
On that note, if I mention I'm hungry, I need food in my face, stat.  Don't ask me what I want, just find something you know I will eat, and shove it at me, or ask me between a handful of things.  When I'm hungry, I stop having much opinion on food, and will turn into an absolute bitch if I'm already worn from the heat.  However, this can also just mean taking me back to the tent, where I can grab a snack and be naked. 
Which, if I'm wearing fitted clothing, if I'm sweating, I may get a heat rash.  For me, this looks like large raised areas that are bright red.  They don't itch, and I don't notice them until the clothing comes off.  It's not bad, and all I need is time to air out the skin, and to wash it off.  It will likely be gone in a few hours, or the next day at the most.
I will want to wander.  This will likely be satisfied with classes during the day, and by the time I'm done, I'll want to decompress, and spend time with you.  You're pretty used to this already though. 
I will be cranky from the heat.  I apologize in advance, and please know that after a shower, and some water, I will want to suck you off to let you know I didn't mean it. 

That's probably all you need to worry about.