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Logics

I was up with friends over the weekend (and am now spending a few days with Lux).  It was nice to see them, and catch up, but sometimes I am reminded of how some folks just never get over their past, and even more when they only see it as emotional abuse decades later.

I made the very like mistake of getting into the discussion of women crying rape with her.  She very vehemently demanded that there are no women who cry rape, and no such thing as legitimate next day regret.  That anyone who thinks they shouldn't have had sex after the fact, only felt uncomfortable or unsafe saying no at the time.  That women would never cry rape because they know about society today.

She even went on to say that an enthusiastic affirmation of consent means nothing, and that it has to be surely genuine or it means nothing.

And this is all well and good, in a fictional perfect world.  However, because humans are all different and varied beings, these statements will never be true. 

If you need to be sure of genuine consent, it's never safe to have a new partner.  I for one, was far more withdrawn with early partners that I wanted to be sexy with, because I didn't want to fuck it up.  With partners I wasn't sure of, I was the aggressor, because if I was in control of the situation, I could help ensure nothing happened that I was overly uncomfortable with (to current partners reading this, don't worry, I mostly grew out of this awkwardness).  No one has any idea how someone else will act during sex, and thereby has no idea how to tell when consent is completely genuine.

And, likewise, if you're being explicitly told "I want (x,y,and z)" and they say yes at the time, then the next day they look back and realize that it wasn't what they imagined, or they didn't enjoy it, it doesn't make it rape.  It means they simply didn't think about the situation fully, or have discovered something new about themselves.

And probably the most important point, is that if you don't yet feel comfortable saying no to anyone, you shouldn't be having sex.  And your mistake isn't rape, it's something to learn from, and a sign to wait.  Both times I was raped I was very clear in saying no, and fighting back.  It wasn't questionable in any way.  No, there wasn't a knife to my throat, or a gun to my temple (that's only been happy sexy time up to this point) which is probably the only time consent for your own safety is understandable, or obvious blackmail situations.

And, as for saying that women would never cry rape, she obviously knows nothing about today's actual society.  Women are afraid of being flamed and insulted.  They fear that mar on their reputation, to be called a slut.  Instead of the guilt of fucking someone they regret afterward, and feeling like they might be a slut, or have boys think they're an easy lay, they'll cry rape, get pity, villainize the boy, and be able to play the victim to get over the guilt, while enjoying the attention.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time" can apply to sex too.  And we don't say that thought was driven by force or manipulation every time. 


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