Thursday, October 29, 2015


The next two weekends have managed to keep my mood from being total garbage lately with how things at home have been.  I'm really looking forward to them, and the positive effect they should have on me. 

This coming weekend is Halloween, and Lux is coming to visit.  We had thought about going to something nearby, but from the sound of things, we'll just be spending time together relaxing.  The only thing we've decided we need to do, is snuggle up with blankets and coffee and be crotchety old people with pipes.  Possibly while handing out candy, as my sister has off of work specifically to take the beast trick-or-treating.  I also intend to do a lot of cooking, as tradition on Halloween says that when everyone is out harvesting candy, some food must be made which is easy to just grab whenever people get hungry.  Usually my mother would make hotdogs and chili, but I'm thinking a couple different kinds of soup, and bread.  Maybe if everyone is in I'll make a mountain of grilled cheese.  Keeps the monsters away from candy, and it's warm cozy comfort food that comes together quickly.

It should be the relaxing weekend we both need lately.

The weekend after though, Kitty is coming to visit for the first time in years.  He was in a very unhealthy relationship, which in his attempt to stubborn through, he had minimal contact with me.  We mostly just intend to catch up and enjoy time actually with each other again, but it has me so excited just to see him again.  I'm pretty certain the furthest we've gotten into planning is burning some stuff, possibly having some of his homebrew, and there's been the possibility of us playing in some fashion.  I've already cleared that with Lux, but I'm still not sure if anything will happen. 

It's been a pretty long while since I've done anything with someone that isn't Lux.  Two years since I've bottomed for anyone else, a year and a half since I've topped anyone privately, and almost two years since I've had sex with anyone else.  It's at the point where even though I'm comfortable with the idea of playing with others, I'm very used to that not being the case. 

Oh well, if there's going to be anyone that knocks me off my track of mono, it should be Kitty.  Better someone I'm comfy with than a random person, or someone I'm not as familiar with.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Same Track

Recently, Kitty and I were talking about how we want to continue working towards getting into better shape.  He jokingly said he needs to find a good source of cardio, and I of course responded with saying he should just ask his primary to help, now that they live together.

He responded by saying that it wasn't that easy, and that his sex drive is so high is causes problems, and that he's probably clinically fucked up for how high it is.

Become super protective and caring of my best friend you say?  That's exactly what happened.

I remembered him saying he had an abnormally high libido way back when we first started having sex.  Having had no idea what the "normal" range was at that point, and not knowing where I fell on the spectrum, I didn't realize that I was just as abnormal as he was.  He would tell me that it was causing issues with the relationship he was in at the time, and that he was used to it.

And, I suppose this issue is almost expected for guys, which is why he seemed to just take it in stride, and why Lux has as well.  It shouldn't be something to feel bad about for anyone though.  I very quickly informed him that I have had the same issue as him, and that it hits the point of awkward as a female.  He joked that it's probably why we work so well.

It certainly doesn't hurt, to be honest.

I had to be sure to drive home that it isn't something wrong with him, and that so long as he can respect his partners, he should never feel badly about it.  And should things not work with this current primary, he may want to make that something that he looks for in a future one.

The idea of being in a long term serious relationship with someone who can't keep up with me sexually at this point just seems doomed.  It may not be the absolute most important thing, but it's something that will creep up and about over time, and eventually become a serious issue.

It's probably not a coincidence that the two closest people in my life happen to be damn near nymphomaniacs.  It's all part of being on the same wavelength and meshing together.

Thursday, October 22, 2015


I read an article the other day that had a ton of confessions about sex.  How people feel while having sex with their partners, and it was all very sad to see how unhappy so many people are with the sex they have.

The most common complaint was that they get bored.  That they don't have fun with their partners, don't enjoy the sex, and so they distract themselves by going through other thoughts.

And, this is sad, for all parties involved.  Sure, we should all want our partners to have fun, and do what we can to make that happen, but if they don't communicate, or just brush off the possibility of making things better, that's their fault too. 

Admittedly, I got incredibly bored during sex with both Thrax and the gnome.  Not only was all sex this rushed chore, but it was the exact same thing every time, like a broken record.  And when you basically are just going through the motions like your morning routine, sex isn't going to be fun.

Both of them also blatently would tell me they didn't care when I brought this up.  Communication wouldn't fix it. 

So, the next possible solution was to take things into my own hands.  I tried to do what I could to make things more fun, because it's my responsibility to have myself enjoy sex too.  Both those partners just yelled at me, and tried to put me down in these cases. 

If the sex you have with your partner makes you bored, don't give up.  Push the issue, and do everything you can to have fun.  If they don't want to be sure you're enjoying things too, then they definitely shouldn't be having sex with you, or have any important role in your life.  Don't let yourself settle for shitty, lackluster sexytimes.

Sunday, October 18, 2015


I've posted on here before that I don't believe in looking for people to fill specific roles in my life, but rather seeing simply what spot they make themselves comfy in.  I've described this to people as seeing if there is a box they decide they enjoy climbing into, and then they put a label on whatever relationship we have together.  It's why I frequently give people nicknames, rather than more traditional titles.

Well, Lux came to visit last weekend, and while he was supposed to spend the night, he decided to just stop by for a while because of an issue with his parents.  While explaining to me what was going on, he referred to me as his best friend, which made me simultaneously incredibly proud, and cared for, but also a bit sad.  I always say that Kitty is my best friend because he was for the longest time.  It was the healthiest, most supportive relationship I'd had for such a long period of my life.

And now Lux is such an important person to me, and for a long time now.  He's caring and supportive and aware, and just as positive and healthy for me as Kitty has ever been, if not then more. 

But I've told Kitty that he's my best friend until he's gone, and having two best friends sort of defeats the point of the term best.

So I feel badly, because I don't give Lux the same role in my life that he does for me.  In a way though, he's managed to put himself in a far more important box.  He's my primary partner (even if I don't currently have multiple), who gets to be top priority for me, and the domly person who I belong to, and the only person who has control over me. 

Having these beautiful and healthy relationships in my life is something I'm still getting used to.  And I can't express how grateful I am for both of them.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Different worlds

Long ago, shortly after my grandmother passed away, my mother got my dad his obnoxiously huge tv for being patient during all the running around to nursing homes, and doctors, and packing, and legal stuff.  Well, when he picked one out, and it arrived at the house, the picture was nowhere near the quality it should have been. 
We went back to the store, and my dad tried to return it, only to start arguing over return policies and crap.  My mother looks at me, leans over, and says "The boy in charge of the department right now has been checking you out.  You should go flirt with him, and get them to take back the tv."

To which I asked my mom if she was on drugs, and ignored her.  For many reasons.  A significant part of which is because I have no idea how to flirt.  It would also be a seriously dick move to try and manipulate some boy, just to do something for my parents. 

Story ends with someone else walking in, and explaining that the particular cables that come with that model tv were shit, and he just needed some better ones.  Simple fix.  But that's not what this is about.

So, the last couple weeks, my mother has gotten chinese delivery for us for lunch on our particularly busy days.  Both times, the same guy brought our food.  And both times, my mother has had the same reaction. 

"That is a very handsome boy.  You should have answered the door."

I... the fuck?  What would it have done?  Let alone, as I saw the boy walking away both times, I've seen that he is in no way my preferred physical type.  Even if that matters fairly minimally, this boy is super lumpy, which is a total turn off.  He'd probably be Lux's type.

Hey Lux, next time you visit, we should order chinese. And do horrible felonious things.

I also would just look at him like a person.  I'd take my lunch, hand him money, and that'd be it.  He'd be treated no differently than any other person in the world, because I wouldn't see him any differently from any other person.

My mom has this odd idea of how I'm supposed to treat guys, and what I'm like with them.

Through my teens she constantly told me not to be friends with guys, because they only wanted sex.  She also told me that I should have boys do everything for me.

Fast forward to today, and most of my friends are guys, and the vast majority I've never done anything with.  The ones she swore were just trying to get into my pants are some of the closest people in my life.  I do as much as I possibly can, and hate asking anyone for anything. 

The world of interaction my mother lives in is very different from who I have ever been.  And I have to say, I'm so glad I never listened to how she tried to get me to behave.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Simple Seasons

With it now being fall, I've been looking at what I want to accomplish in the next few months.  What places I want to go to, things to make, and general ideas and goals.  It's a normal thing that I do with the changing seasons to keep organized.

There's quite a few things I want to cook and bake now that it's cooler out, and there's a lot of things I want to make for the holidays, as well as some garb that needs repairing from Pennsic.  I should be able to get through quite a bit in the coming weeks.  Kitty and I are also pretty determined to get some time together, which has me incredibly excited, because we both agree that we let there be distance between us for far too long.

Lux and I also tend to make up little to-do lists fairly seasonally.  We don't always tackle them, but they're things we'd really like to do together.

And what does an adventurous partnership of sociopaths that indulge in power exchange plan for during the fall?

Well, right now the list is two things.

Chinese takeout and video games (we're thinking portal two, for combined puzzle solving powers!)
Wandering the woods with good coffee

Yup, that's it.  You may remember me talking about my preference for simple dates a while back, and how I enjoy intimate time together that is simply a chance to relax and take in time with the person I'm with, rather than showy, ornate adventure.  Well, we already go lots of places together.  Most of the time when we're together now it's because we have a ton of plans going on.  So, all we really want is time to ourselves.  A chance to decompress with each other, and enjoy the little moments that bring us closer. 

Sure, the adventures are fun, but it's the moments when we giggle over video games, sip coffee, and snuggle up under a blanket that I know I belong to the right person.

Thursday, October 08, 2015

Dangerous, Fun, and Safe

Kitty and I were talking about playing the other day.  He has apparently become one of the most popular fire tops on the east coast recently, and we decided he should set me on fire sometime soon. 

We talked about how it'll likely turn into a ton of giggles as soon as he lights me up, and we'll have to do more work to keep focused than actually lighting me up.  I also said that I likely wouldn't flinch at all due to trust.

He said that given the giant gouts of flame he gets off of people, he would absolutely expect me to react.  To which I said I have a level of trust in him that the people he lights up at events would never have.  It's not the safe feeling you have with a professional, but the fact that I've been a crying mess in his arms and seen his panicked protectiveness kick in.  I know that if he ever did any damage to me, he'd never forgive himself.

Like I know that no matter how hard Lux wails on me, I'm completely safe.  The few times that he's ever done something I wasn't completely happy with, he was a paranoid mess for days after, despite my telling him that everything was ok. 

I may not play constantly, or have a ton of partners, but I know that whenever I'm with one of them, I'm the safest person around.  It doesn't matter what sort of dumb, incredibly dangerous shenanigans we're up to, I'm in good hands, and so are they.

Sunday, October 04, 2015


So, I've been kind of bummed lately, due to the state of things at home.  In order to keep from dwelling on the bad, I'm going to make a list of the good things that bring me comfort and happiness.

Night time in the car
A cigar and a cup of coffee
Walking around somewhere calm with friends
Watching others play videogames, and providing witty banter
Simple food made well.  Fancy stuff can be nice, but I prefer simple savory comfort flavors.
Cooking for loved ones
The smell of candles lit with a match
Hiding in blankets with a book
Random silly conversations
Comfy snuggly sex.  Even if it's violent, or full of misogyny, or whatever else, I should want to snuggle with my partner
Flailing around to music
Making something new
Helping friends
Sitting outside in the fresh air
Old fantasy movies
Silly anime
Violent anime
Sore muscles, and bruises
Endorphin highs
Watching fire
The smell of warm vanilla
Being naked

And I'm sure a ton more things.  However, it should be blatantly apparent that small things make me happiest.  Time to enjoy more of those little things.

Thursday, October 01, 2015


A few days ago, someone I used to talk to contacted me again for the first time since I kicked out the gnome.  We chatted for a bit, catching up, and just general bs.

She informed me that her marriage had fallen apart, due to lack of work on both their parts from the sound of it, but I could tell she was spinning it in a way that villainized him, and as of the beginning of summer, they were officially divorced.

She also said that on Halloween she's getting married again.

Now, I know that it takes at least 18 months to get a divorce in this state, but a span of two years isn't really enough to get mentally clear of your last relationship (which had to involve courts and custody and extra stuff due to their son) find someone, get through new relationship energy, then decide on, and plan a wedding. 

We also know my opinion on weddings, but that's less valid here, this is just solid time logic. 

I think it takes at least a year to figure out how you mesh with a person.  You may not even make it that far, but if you aren't solid after going through all the holidays and birthdays and friends and family for one full year, it's not going to get better.  And then you need to start considering if they're going to be the person you want to put up with for your entire life, before actually seeing if they feel the same.

And then I think about my own parents, who knew each other for a year and a half before being married.  Not getting engaged, but being married.  Which part of me actually thinks has had an effect on their emotional maturity, but I think I've discussed that before.

I think people assume that what they feel in the beginning of a relationship is what will last forever, and in the above person's case, likely didn't want to learn how to be herself again.  Instead of taking time to learn to be themselves again, learning about a new partner, and seeing how they really fit in you life then seeing how you feel, there's this stigma for a significant other, and anything other than marriage is meaningless.

Give me someone who just makes the decision to stand by me every day, without any pressures or forcing.