Long ago, back in my teenage years I was pretty self aware, though less than I am now. More of a sociopath, without the proper channeling, used it often as a weapon rather than an aid.
I dated a few boys in my teens, and none of them lasted very long. To be honest, I would tell myself that I'd been single for a while, and find a boy to date to shut everyone up. These were boys I had very little attachment to, and hadn't really been friends with beforehand. After a few weeks, they'd be gone, usually because they couldn't understand how cold and overly logical I tend to be.
And through all but my first boyfriend, Kitty was there. He was my best friend through it all, and I've felt the exact same about him since I was 16. Often, when people would see he and I out together, they'd ask if we were dating, or something similar. I'd laugh, say that he has a girlfriend at home, I have a boyfriend, but that he was way more important. We wouldn't fool around during those shorter relationships (even though it was hard to keep from doing so sometimes) but he was still someone I talked to everyday, and told everything to. Someone who made me smile just by holding his hand, and knowing who I was at the time, wasn't going to risk losing that by actually dating him.
And then I got into my relationship with the gnome, which was right around when Kitty was getting married. And we saw how that lasted. Then Thrax, far too soon out of the breakup, and into another unhealthy situation. And all those times, when Kitty appeared, and we'd talk, I felt exactly the same. The same attachment and affection I had as a teenager. I thought that was just what best friends felt like. And, damn, if they ever feel like something different, I'm pretty sure they're doing it wrong.
And then Lux comes around, and our friendship moves slowly and comfortably. There's time to learn each other, rather than just throwing ourselves into things. And, feels happen. Very similar feels, that eventually help accidental dynamics to come about, and build a solid, healthy relationship, void of titles, and without the need for there to really be any.
Then Kitty comes back, and needs me to be an important and healthy part of his life again. I'm overjoyed, and at first, I clearly feel that difference between my feels. One is my best friend, and the other is a primary partner. They have very different roles, and I should be attached to both of them.
Well, jokingly, after my weekend with Kitty, I asked if we counted as being long term partners. He said the term partner felt a little less affectionate than how we are, but he does consider us in a long term relationship.
Can you accidentally poly? I'm pretty sure I just managed.
Perhaps through all those relationships, I had real feels for Kitty, and not anyone else. I rebounded off him when he left, and only when I found another healthy dynamic did real feels occur for someone else. Which is why I've always thought I was monoamorous. Because I was rebound crushing on one person at a time, rather than actually waiting to find real feels, and determine the difference.
Maybe Kitty was right when he said that I make good choices when I stick to my actual type. Because somehow, I've managed to accidentally poly and have two wibblywobbly relationships with both the most amazing, and healthy people to ever be in my life. They're both long distance, but I don't care. They're too important for that to have any impact.
And, dear gods it makes me nervous. They both make me incredibly happy, and I want to be able to balance the two of them and build upon the wonderful things they have. I've never had to consider balancing more than one whatever it is before. And just figuring out that I'm apparently polyamorous at all is this weird thing that I need to come to grips with.
Feels are weird. But I'm going to do what I can to be the best possible for myself, and the important people I keep with me.
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