Shortly after Lux and I started hanging out, he went through a breakup. As most somewhat unexpected ends to relationships will do, this left him in an odd mental state, feeling rather reluctant to indulge in the things he experienced in that relationship, and blamed himself, and those things as a part of the break. A good bulk of these things had to do with power exchange, and sadism, which while sometimes present in our lives together, it's at a very surface level, and just the smallest taste before he needs reassurance that we're both ok, and that no damage has been done.
Given that I was also fresh off the breakup with Thrax, this left me in no mood to be submissive, and so I was fine with the lack of power exchange, and happy to build a solid egalitarian friendship to see where it evolved. As time went on though, accidental dynamics occurred, and became more prevalent. We acknowledged their existence, and while he would tell me he craved power exchange, and spoke of it with others, it barely peeked it's head out with us.
Slowly but surely though, it built it's way up. Very few rules, because we didn't need them, but it was there, and becoming a more and more regular occurrence to our day. He'd suggest moving forward with it even, and at one point, told me he'd been thinking about me with his collar.
And then, everything with Nessa started occurring. She ran away, and despite my still being right there taking care of him, he again became reluctant. Power exchange barely became a mention, and his sadism locked away.
And, it becomes this frustrating, worrying, ball of stuff. I want to know what I can do to help, and what will inspire this side of him again. I want him to know that he is safe with me, and I'm never going to just up and leave. I want him to know that he's not to blame for them doing what they did, and that he did nothing wrong.
And then I worry. I worry that he's going to see me being with Kitty, and despite our rule that's in place, I'm going to drop my dynamic with him for someone else who has actively expressed an interest in power exchange. That I'm trading him in for someone else, who does everything that he won't anymore.
And this, by the way, isn't the case in the slightest. I'm very happy belonging to Lux even with his reluctance, and we've discussed trying to get him moving more forcefully toward those aspects of himself again. Not due to selfishness on my part, but because seeing him mentally struggle like this makes me feel badly. That he should have someone safe to be himself with. I know I don't take much work or active dominance to be submissive, but it is something we both enjoy, and when I see him comfortable indulging in that, it makes me incredibly happy.
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