Thursday, December 31, 2015

One more down

It's the end of another year, and so, time to reflect on everything that's happened.

I've learned that everyone I'm directly related to is toxic.

That I was raised with no idea of what a healthy relationship was.

That I will never be acknowledged as a person by my parents, and subsequently it teaches my daughter to do the same.

I reconnected with one of the best people ever to come into my life.

I discovered that I am poly, when I have healthy relationships around.

I got into better shape, expanded my flexibility, and taught myself to do new things.

My skills in a lot of arts were pushed, and I learned a lot.

There were many new adventures, which were fantastic experiences.

I was cared for, which is far beyond what I have at home.

I tried as much as I possibly could to be a supportive partner, and take care of those important to me.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Unwanted Adventure

I'm feeling emotionally torn apart.  Between Lux, and Kitty right now, I have a lot of stuff taking up my energy.

Kitty has a primary that he lives with.  She is in the military for medicine, and is about to start her residency.  Well, she recently got her assignment.

They were expecting something that would have them relocating just about an hour away for it to be more convenient.  She had also interviewed near where her other partner lives, across the country, where she went to college, and near his brother, again on the west coast.  I wasn't the happiest about any of those, because they all put him farther away from me, and I do enjoy spending time with my kitty.

However, despite the planning, she was stationed somewhere else.  All the way down in Florida.  Where none of us know anyone to point them towards a social circle, or help them build a life.  And where Kitty has very little chance of finding a job in his field, or a good option for a masters program as a backup. 

They have six months to get set up until she has to start there.

And so, this soon after he becomes so important to me again, and where we actually feel comfortable expressing it properly, he is being taken further away from me.  I worry so much that it'll make him fall away, and that I'll lose him again. 

I know that if we've managed to get this far with the same attachment and stay together, nothing is going to tear us apart, but sometimes I am paranoid.  It always seems like only the toxic people stay around.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Bah Humbug

If you haven't gotten it yet, I'm not a big fan of the holidays.  They seriously drain me, provide a massive amount of stress, and in general make me rather cranky. 

And to top it off, my family has a tendency of forgetting me around this time of year.  Treating me more like shit than usual, but ignoring, and forgetting about me.  Mind you, I'm not the materialistic type.  I don't want much, usually because anything I'm told I'll get by most never happens, or I'm told no to things I need.  It's how I grew up, and it's always a bit of a shock to find out how abnormal it is.

But, as you can see, this sort of environment doesn't make for much Christmas spirit.  It's why I'd get so upset with Thrax, when he'd literally spend thousands on Bit (usually on things from my wishlists, or that he'd previously promised me), then realize he forgot to get me anything, and yell at me that I was wrong and he was waiting for it to show if I asked, then finally admit he had no money because he spent it all on her and couldn't delay any longer.

It wasn't the money, it was being forgotten.  It was seeing these other people who are blatantly negative sources being showered, and after doing everything possible for them, not even being considered.  And then to be lied to, or given excuses, or put down for questioning, just makes me feel worse.

I don't even really need gifts honestly, just acknowledgement.  To be told I'm important, and being considered and respected.  Probably a massive part of why I do so much for others is because I just want that respect and some simple care in return.

Which, I'll be spending a good lot of time with Lux soon, and being spoiled and content with him.  Exactly what I want and need.

Sunday, December 20, 2015


Recently, I saw a game that was more like going for a weird emotional ride.  A game that showed things from back in the day of using AIM, and editting thoughts or backing out of things as you went along.  Of unspoken feelings, and lost opportunities.

And, a year ago, it would have hit me really hard.  The game is about the protagonist, and his best friend, a girl, and their conversations from the end of high school and the subsequent few years following.  He never says how he feels, and sees her leave, winding up with someone who is likely emotionally abusive, and losing that friendship.

And, a year ago, I had thought Kitty was near out of my life permanently.  He was with someone who was jealous, and controlling, and had moved in order to further his life in a way that he couldn't here.  He knew how much I cared, but I thought that I'd lost him from my life.

And at the same time, a year ago Lux had just recently moved, and I was seeing him less often.  We were making a lot of progress to get over both our brainmonkeys, but I was still worried he was going to leave.

But, this year, and upon seeing it, I have them both.  Maybe not with me as often as I'd like, but they're right with me, and they both know how much they mean to me, and I know that I'm important to both of them.  And, with how seldom I wind up developing any feelings toward anyone, it's been rare that I've had an attachment with anyone who didn't have it with me. 

The people who have been the closest in my life are pretty much stuck with me, and while a lot of people don't get that, it means that games like this just don't hit me.

Thursday, December 17, 2015


Lately, I barely have time to breathe.  This time of year is always busy for me, trying to make happen everything my family needs, and consequently getting shit on.  Hooray.

We celebrate Channukah as well as Christmas, so when Thanksgiving comes around, we're pretty much in constant holiday prep, and guess who is constantly cleaning up messes and doing the work.

The cookiepocalypse is in full swing, and so I've been baking nonstop, and working on a few other things.  Doing this around holiday logistics is less than fun, but luckily there is only a little while longer to deal with it.

This time of year always has my stress levels through the roof.  It fucks with my cycle and always has me feeling wonky.  To top it off, Lux and Kitty are both so swamped at work that I barely hear from them, and it just drags me down more. 

Soon though, the holidays will be done, and I'll have time with the people I really care about, and it'll make things much better.

Sunday, December 13, 2015


The last few weeks I've been waist deep in projects.  Not just any projects mind you, but very detailed, time consuming, and intricate projects.  Things that kill my hands, make me feel exhausted, and sometimes are just overwhelming. 

I made my father a snuggly couch blanket.  Contrasting colors that vibrate, and it's a good size to curl up with.  It was almost a month of working on it for two hours a day.

I made kitty and his primary some plushies.  New patterns for me, and plushies are always a bit of a pain.  Making sure everything is the right size, and lined up correctly is difficult.  They loved them though.

Since the summer, I've been working on a set of blankets.  Star wars blankets, comprised of two dozen separate panels, each featuring a different picture.  They're finally in the finishing phases, and have been a major source of frustration.

I made Lux what I simply referred to as the masochistic project when I talked to him.  A tapestry crochet that I did with thread, that was over 11000 stitches.  Doing more than five rows at a sitting made my hands ache, and so I had to move slowly on it.

Sometimes, service is masochism.  And for some reason, I'm drawn to it.

Thursday, December 10, 2015


I see graphics, and captions, and posts and comments with this all the time.  It's a constant, and has become standard terminology for the vast majority of the country.  And for some reason, the words never stick with me.

Things with the words "Every good girl has a bad side" or "Find a girl who is naughty just for you".  And, I just don't read it the same way most people do. 

My incredibly high sex drive isn't bad.  My enjoyment of sucking cock isn't bad, and my sadomasochism isn't naughty.  These things are simply part of me, and I never use them in an ill manner.

Telling me that I'm bad will simply make me not want to share that part with you.  It becomes hidden like so much of me does to the vast majority of people.  Saying I'm bad is telling me I'm doing something you don't like, and considering that it's often said with a boner in hand, it's telling me something very different.  Being bad is causing harm.  It's ignoring you, disrespecting you, and violating consent.

Tell me I'm good.  Tell me I'm devious, but well behaved, and that attitude makes you want to hurt me because I've been obedient when it mattered.  Say that my uninhibited sexuality, and comfort being me turns you on, and that you enjoy me showing that to you.  Encourage me with positivity to bring out more of what you like, and what is indeed good. 

You don't want to bring out my bad side.  That is full of things no one wants to go near.  It results in the need for wood chipper.

Encourage me to be me.  Tell me I'm good, and you'll see what you enjoy a whole lot more.

Monday, December 07, 2015

Much Needed

Last weekend Lux came to visit after spending the holiday with his parents.  And it couldn't have come at a better time.  We've both been at our limits with other people, and needed time to just enjoy each other.

Up until a few days before, I didn't even know if he'd be visiting.  His parents have been wonky about him spending time with me for some really weird reasons, and it has caused him to have to do things he doesn't want to in order to keep the peace with them.  A part of me was really afraid that he'd opt for the entire time with them just to make them happy.

And, when the weekend came, I thought they were playing games to keep him there, and from seeing me.  Not giving him an answer of whether they needed him to do anything, and stopping him from leaving.  Luckily, he's so much better than that, and made it over early in the afternoon, fried with them, and ready to relax with me for a day and let off some steam.  He apparently put his foot down about spending time with me, and that couldn't make me happier.  I hate seeing them bully him at all.

It goes without saying that there was a lot of sex, and probably could have been a lot more, which neither of us would have complained about.  We also intended to have some manner of playtime while together, which I talked about last time.

Well he hit me with the thumper a lot.  Never hard, but enough that he recognized it would suck to him, and instead of it turning into an intense beating, we started giggling, and he just coredumped a lot to level out and release stress.  He never stopped hitting me mind you, but it was absolutely a product of the relationship we have compared to anyone else.  He explained that he only does this with me, and having known that, it made the time a bit more meaningful than a serious beating.

Of course, because he is a paranoid, he brought it up at breakfast the next morning.  That he felt badly for not following through after I asked for play time.  I assured him, that knowing how intimate that time was, in the very specific sense of the word, that it meant a lot, I enjoyed every minute, and that he should feel no problem with me being left wanting.  I'll never complain about being left a bruised up mess, but sometimes taking care of your partner is more important, and something to be cherished at the same time.

We also discussed spending a week together over Christmas which has me incredibly excited.  I was setting up a backup plan to see Kitty, be we already have plans for a weekend in January in the works, so I will absolutely grab this extended time with Lux.

It's still difficult to balance the two of them, but I'm really happy with how things were with Lux while he was here.  I am so lucky to have him around.

Thursday, December 03, 2015

Take Away

I have no problem at this point saying that Thrax was abusive, neglectful, and an all around asshat.  He would constantly tell me how he wanted to play with, and fuck other girls, then tell me I wanted too much sex and play.  And by too much, it meant any at all.  We almost completely stopped playing once we were actually dating, and even though I would ask, and express interest, without it being constant, he would constantly make excuses, and tell me I was being irritating.  Every so often to shut me up, he would throw my cuffs on me, and do something outside of out broken record of sex, which usually just meant me bending over the bed instead of being on top.

Needless to say, this had me feeling more undesirable than usual, neglected, and lonely.  I felt like shit in regards to how he wanted to play with everyone else but me.

I mentioned last week about how Lux has had trouble kicking himself in the ass enough to quit hiding from play.  It'd been a really long time since we'd had any play by ourselves, and even though I knew exactly why, it didn't mean I didn't want to enjoy time playing with him. 

And, in the last while, he's played with Nessa, and recently played with someone new who had asked, and was supposed to play with someone else.  In that moment, I playfully made a selfish comment, as I'm fine with him playing with other people, but sometimes I do feel like being greedy and possessive of Lux, in a very aware and affectionate way of course, which is never beyond his comfort.

And when he brought it up, I said that it in some odd way felt like Thrax, even though I knew the situation was drastically different.  I didn't want to be selfish and throw a tantrum, or be annoying, but told him that the kick in the ass for play was turning a bit into self care as well.

If I haven't mentioned it before, Lux is amazing.  He didn't get upset with what I said, and let me dump thoughts and explain, and said that he sort of anticipated this happening at some point, and was trying to figure out how to go about play over Thanksgiving weekend.  We discussed the options available, and honestly just his being aware and open made me feel so much more comfortable.

There's so much that Thrax put me through that there is no real way to get over until I work through it with someone else.  However, I've got a wonderful Lux who is very patient with me to help with every bit.