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Take Away

I have no problem at this point saying that Thrax was abusive, neglectful, and an all around asshat.  He would constantly tell me how he wanted to play with, and fuck other girls, then tell me I wanted too much sex and play.  And by too much, it meant any at all.  We almost completely stopped playing once we were actually dating, and even though I would ask, and express interest, without it being constant, he would constantly make excuses, and tell me I was being irritating.  Every so often to shut me up, he would throw my cuffs on me, and do something outside of out broken record of sex, which usually just meant me bending over the bed instead of being on top.

Needless to say, this had me feeling more undesirable than usual, neglected, and lonely.  I felt like shit in regards to how he wanted to play with everyone else but me.

I mentioned last week about how Lux has had trouble kicking himself in the ass enough to quit hiding from play.  It'd been a really long time since we'd had any play by ourselves, and even though I knew exactly why, it didn't mean I didn't want to enjoy time playing with him. 

And, in the last while, he's played with Nessa, and recently played with someone new who had asked, and was supposed to play with someone else.  In that moment, I playfully made a selfish comment, as I'm fine with him playing with other people, but sometimes I do feel like being greedy and possessive of Lux, in a very aware and affectionate way of course, which is never beyond his comfort.

And when he brought it up, I said that it in some odd way felt like Thrax, even though I knew the situation was drastically different.  I didn't want to be selfish and throw a tantrum, or be annoying, but told him that the kick in the ass for play was turning a bit into self care as well.

If I haven't mentioned it before, Lux is amazing.  He didn't get upset with what I said, and let me dump thoughts and explain, and said that he sort of anticipated this happening at some point, and was trying to figure out how to go about play over Thanksgiving weekend.  We discussed the options available, and honestly just his being aware and open made me feel so much more comfortable.

There's so much that Thrax put me through that there is no real way to get over until I work through it with someone else.  However, I've got a wonderful Lux who is very patient with me to help with every bit.


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