A New Devious Chapter

This year has been... weird. I learned that I can balance multiple partners in person, and not just stare at them confused about which one to snuggle. I learned that metamours, and building connections with them can be awesome. Headstands became so close to my reach I can smell it. I experienced polydrop for the first time, and it sucks. I attended a partner's wedding, and used that time to dig into him in ways only I can. I was present. I learned as much as I could. Over just a couple weeks, I put together a coloring book to share with friends. For the first time, I wore rope, and got suspended. I built new friendships. I ended some toxic ones. The karma dance was performed. I spoke up. I started explaining to my daughter about negative behavior, manipulation, and abuse so she will always be able to recognize it. I discovered how much my body and mind is affected by my diet and exercise, even after only a couple days. This year has been a lot of goo

A little over a month ago, Kitty had a friend over, who had asked for help with some serious stuff.  We talked about it, and discussed about how she would likely start attaching herself to him, and that he needed to be aware of that. Well, gave it a couple weeks, and she wants to be a serious partner of his.  He's saying that she's making legitimate progress on making herself a better person, and someone who he would consider dating, but mostly just says she's cute.  Sometimes, old habits die hard. However, he already has three partners, and still has trouble balancing that many.  He knows this, and often talks to me about how badly he feels for not being able to give proper time to everyone.  Of course, he barely thinks about that when considering taking on another partner though. And it makes me think about how after a while of having two partners, that I'm still completely poly-saturated.  I can't imagine taking on another partner.  Both because I doub

Along with all the normal holiday stress, this year also brings about the cookiepocalypse, and making a ton of gifts for people. This year the cookiepocalypse happens to be a little smaller than normal.  I was initially told to barely make any, and when I pointed out how little it would be, I then said I would be making more, and it was understood.  The house is full of a ton of cookies, but unfortunately, there's been very little healthy stuff in the house as well, which has been turning my mood to garbage. I have also put together a whole box of stuff for Kitty, and the house down there.  I need to remember to mail it, and at this point it likely won't make it for Christmas, but it will make it there eventually.  I think it's all stuff they will enjoy, and can't wait for them to see everything. I've made some super cool stuff for Lux, and it's been really hard to keep it a secret.  I'm looking forward to spending time with him over the holidays, and

I saw Lux before he went back home last week.  He has been dealing with serious issues with his parents, and finally came by to see me while taking care of things. And where he had said he planned for us to go to brunch, he instead dropped the emotional bomb of everything going on.  And I just listened, curling up next to him while he dumped it all out.  Normally, Lux focuses so hard to keep everything at a baseline.  To act like he's unphased by things, and just able to move and flow with things.  This time, he let down those walls, and just spewed. It was one of those times when it reminds me there are still people who think men, and domly folk can't feel stress.  They need to be a rock through everything.  Those absolutely unrealistic expectations that prove they've never had a partner through any sort of serious life event.  This didn't make Lux weak, or any less of what he is.  If anything, it showed the trust and connection we have. And of course, he apologi

I've mentioned how Pyre and Lux are going through a lot of stuff right now.  There's chaos on all sides of my polycule, and it's creating a lot of stress. Kitty has been using what time he can to help with Pyre, and I've been trying to give him time and presence through it to process things.  Also discussing my view on the situation as a whole.  He's been helping Pyre, because they're living together, and she's his partner. I've also been talking a lot with Pyre through everything.  Even though she doesn't effect the stability or health of my relationships, she's still important to one of my important people, and someone I know would be a good friend regardless of us having a mutual partner.   Side notes: When Thrax was trying to win over Bit, I didn't approve of her at all.  She had no ambition, no respect, and barely took care of herself.  If Thrax wasn't trying to get into her pants, I never would have given her the time of

Everyone is entitled to bad days.  The world isn't all sunshine, and so we don't all need to be happy and sparkly every day.  In fact, that is part of what makes life and the world beautiful, is all the complex emotions and things that occur every day. And sometimes, on those really bad days we might be a bit of an ass.  Someone tries to help at just the wrong moment, and winds up being snapped at, taking the brunt of the stress from the day.  It's something that happens, and being able to see that this is what happened is important as well, so both parties can recognize it, talk as necessary, and move on. However, mental illness doesn't give an excuse for that to happen more often.  It doesn't create much excuse for it at all.  Unfortunately, a lot of people use mental illness as an excuse for poor behavior.  That it allows people to turn toxic, and then sweeps that under the rug because they have something to throw it at. But toxic behavior is never acceptab

I want to talk a little about mental illness. Which, I don't like calling it that.  It makes it sound like something similar to a cold.  Like you can just take something and everything goes away, and you feel fine, and go about the world like normal.  Like someone can visit, and tuck you in and bring you tea and soup and the next day you wake up feeling like you're back in fighting shape. And, it's not like that.  Things like depression, or anxiety or a slew of other things are something that sticks around for a long time.  Even if you manage to overhaul your life and feel better, you're still susceptible to it.  If the personal case is enough to feel that meds are necessary, they often lessen the symptoms, but don't completely alleviate them, and in most cases, isn't something that after taking them long enough you no longer need. While talking to Lux after Thanksgiving, he said he often feels like people go away when they realize that he doesn't want

The last week has been rather weird.  Sure, the weekend was good, but this week overall has just been a lot of stuff coming from everywhere. Apparently things exploded down south with Kitty, and now a lot of things are very shaky.  I've spent a lot of the week trying to talk to Pyre and Kitty about everything going on, and give my view on it all.  Unfortunately, it either has a lot of potential for harm, or people to be very upset for a good while.  It has me feeling rather protective of many people, and with them being far away, makes it worse. Lux is having some family issues, which has him incredibly stressed, and makes me very concerned for his family as well as for him.  He has a lot of anxiety over it, and I'm trying to help him stay calm and help where I can. Many things are going on, and not for the better.  A ton of things are in the air right now, and many others are exploding. While I may be trying to deal with things in my own house, it's times like this

While Lux was here for the holiday, we had initially made plans to go see a movie together, and hang out and talk and try to relax together.  A couple days before I looked up movie times and we made up a plan to spend Saturday together. We had also been talking about wanting to play more, and get back into things, and interest with all the stuff.  About having more comfort getting back into play, and how to have the little kick in the ass so that we do actually play, and not just have sex and snuggle, and more sex and video games. Well, Lux got to my place late on Saturday, and said that we should go get food.  On the way, he made a point of showing off his new toy bag (mostly because of some new things he got for himself), and mentioning all the other things in there.  We talked about some serious things, and some fun things, and found somewhere to eat near the theatre. During dinner we talked about some more serious stuff, and asked about the time once, and shrugged when I said

I've been thinking lately, about how I space, and how the vast majority of the time, I don't get there.  Thinking about how even though I can space from singular aspects, it rarely happens, and why. I have to be able to actually relax in order to space.  However, through my early teens, and even into my present, I'm frequently told that even though I'm funny, and fun, and helpful, I'm wound tightly, and generally very tense.  People used to tell me all the time to relax until I learned to just cover it up with actions. And, that comes through in play.  I need to be at a point where I know I won't have to do damage control or keep a heavy eye on things in the moment.  I can, and will always do what is necessary after the fact, because that has no impact on me during. Especially when it comes to pain though, I have to monitor what is going on so closely due to my pain tolerance.  I have to know what the difference is between pain that feels good, pain that nee

So, stuff I'm thankful for and junk. This year has been weird, and I'm not in the best mental place when I'm writing this, so this one might be a little weird. I am thankful for getting to learn new things about me.  That while I don't get subdrop, I do get poly drop.  That I will always find ways the abuse of my past will creep in, and that I can get past it all.  That I am far better at communicating than a lot of my friends, and that I truly won't stand for any of the shit I've dealt with in the past. I am thankful for having safe people to do new things with!  And then to find my space in those things, and discover what I enjoy about them.  I am thankful for my love of a challenge, and always wondering just how far I can push myself. I am thankful for getting to learn how poly works for me, and having two absolutely wonderful and patient partners, who I can't imagine having ones that I care for more.  Who are supportive, and fun, and no matter how

I follow quite a few Tumblrs.  One of which I found out was actually really local to me.  She is close to my age, hypersexual, and very masochistic.  We actually started talking because a new partner of hers had been giving her trouble, and I offered my ear and whatever advice I could give. Well, this partner had only been around a couple weeks, and she already wanted to be in a committed relationship, with power exchange, and they were fluidbound the first time they met.  She claimed kissing during sex was being affectionate, and that they were super close friends, even though they'd never gone and done something out of the house together. Needless to say, I tried to explain to her that this situation wasn't exactly a healthy set up, and if she was already having issues a couple weeks in, it probably wasn't going to last a super long time under any real harmony. He dumped her for another girl the next day, and she moped for a day, before finding several guys onl

Kitty and I talked about a lot of things when we were together.  A lot of rolling conversations that just flowed.  One morning, while still avoiding getting out of bed, he mentioned beatings before coffee and breakfast, which I said isn't an option, because I need to be awake to process and read what's going on properly.  He agreed after a minute, and said that morning kidnappings at camp or something would probably work better. I explained that things like that are how people get stabbed.  If someone is in bed with me when I go to sleep, and is supposed to be there, I have no problem being woken up for sex at any point.  My mind knows they should be there, and everything is cool.  However, if someone wasn't there when I went to bed, and wakes me up, I will wake up swinging, and generally have a lot of weapons within arms reach of where I sleep. He amusedly understood, and then questioned that middle of the night sex was ok.  I was honestly surprised that this even need

Thrax only ever tried rope with me once.  He didn't get very far, because I stopped him a few seconds in.  As I watched him trying to tie a simple pair of cuffs, and how badly it was being done, I didn't want to risk the danger involved with letting him continue.  He threw a tantrum as I stopped him, thinking he could manipulate me into letting him be unsafe.  When he realized he wasn't going to work, he grumped his way into the living room, and I grabbed a second bundle of rope before following him.  I threw him one of them, sat on the couch, and told him I would walk him through tying it, and we would both practice by self tying our ankles. He refused, claiming that by having any part of himself tied was a submissive act, and he refused to submit in any form.  So, basically he refused to learn things.   I feel like this is far too common a thing with a lot of people out there.  Tops and domly folks who refuse to experience things because it invalidates their claims

Last weekend I got to spend with Kitty, and while we had talked about a ton of things, it wound up being a weekend of decompressing together and snuggles. He never even made it over to the con, even though he had talked about buying new toys.  Instead, we were silly, and comfy, and just enjoying time. Needless to say, he overpacked.  He packed a ton of his impact toys, which we never even got around to.  But more on that later. When we finally met up, it was that reminder of how we need to spend time together more often.  The instant snuggly hugs that just don't feel like enough.  We had an adventure to the hotel, and babbled, and talked about a ton of current things in the first evening.  Kitty kind of pouted at not getting to have his first choice of dinner, but we still had a fun day. Saturday we waited forever to get out of bed.  Lots more snuggles, and deciding what to do with the day. At breakfast, Lux texted Kitty, which he first thought that meant conspiring agai

This last week has been really helpful for me on a lot of levels. Before Lux went back home, he visited for a little bit.  He wasn't in the best mindspace due to things with his family, but I still enjoyed the time, and it seemed like having that time together was good for him.  There's so much going on for him right now, and I feel like just being present is helping compared to how most people have been in the past for him.  Which, in a way is easy for me, because I always try to be present with him.  Kitty actually said the other day that Lux and I have a surprisingly open level of communication, especially compared to how he is. Speaking of which, I get to spend this weekend with Kitty!  I'm so excited, and we don't even have anything planned. We're just looking forward to time, and little things, like late night talks and snuggles. Because I am smart, and don't want to deal with an undercaffeinated Kitty, I made a ton of cold brew.  Which might be doub

When I was in elementary school, I wound up helping the class more often than I was just a student.  I learned concepts more quickly than my teachers could get through the material for the rest of the class to keep up, and so I would help catch the other students up, and give the teachers a hand, as their way of giving me extra work to do.  Some of the kids developed animosity toward me for obvious reasons, but a lot of the kids liked having me basically teach them mini-classes, and getting to talk while explaining things in ways the books didn't, which made it easier for them to understand. In High School, if you'd asked me what I wanted to do, if it wasn't some special effects makeup and animatronics, I would say teaching senior english.  I liked the idea of being able to talk about serious topics, and having mature conversations about what was going on, with complex thoughts and ideas in books.  While covering the books I needed to, I wanted to inspire ideas in other p

Lux comes back from travelling this weekend, and I couldn't be happier about it.  Sure, he lives further away than I'd like him to all the time, but after a few days, I was done with the time difference.  Him being six hours later meant we got no real time together.  I woke up when he was halfway through his work day, and when he was getting out of work it was close to when the beast gets home from school.  By the time he's going to bed, I'm not even at the point of making dinner, and it's just too much of a difference for us to really spend much time.  I'll be very happy for us both to be back to a very similar time table, and can't wait to see him again as well.  I even made him some little toys to play with. In less than a week I see Kitty again, and I am made of excitement.  I am super happy to get to spend time with him, regardless of what we're doing, and really am just looking forward to having solid time together.  We've both had a lot goin

I'm writing this because I'm forcing myself to give my hands a break. Yes, this sounds strange because I am still using my hands to type.  But this is fine for them as far as I know today. Lately, I've been running hard to finish the projects I have.  Crocheting in whatever time I have to make a ton of pieces, then stitching them together to build one of the coolest comforters I've ever put together.  It's massive, and almost done, but with the little bit of force it takes to get the yarn needle through everything over and again, and the speed I've been going at, the muscle in the thumbs are sore as hell.  It's like after leg day, but for my hands. And it's been an odd day.  At first I used the time to do some cleaning and chores, and waiting for Squishy's father to get here before I really dug into anything.  As I looked at what I needed to do though, I couldn't find much that wasn't going to be hard on my hands.  I worked out, and got

The other day, I'm downstairs having some water, and putting on my shoes to get the beast off the bus.  The doorbell rings, about five minutes before I would normally walk out the door.  It's an odd time for people to show up, and no one had ordered anything. I open the door and find my uncle.  The asshole one I posted about a while back.  Except I have no mental preparation for him to visit, so instantly my brain panics. No more than two minutes after he walks in the door, the starts swatting at my stomach asking what "that" is.  I tell him it's my stomach, and has a bunch of extra skin from having a kid.  He gets like two inches from my face, saying it's been too long since I had the beast, and so it should be gone.  My mother and his wife (who has a kid from before they were married) all say with me that it's extra skin and will be around forever. He insists it can't just be skin, to which I tell him that there is a lot of muscle under what is

Lux may be across an ocean, and many countries away right now, but the week before he left, I felt so much better, and like we were both getting what we needed.  We spent a lot of time throughout the week on Discord together, and I watched streams of him playing games, so that if we couldn't be curled up on a couch together, we would still have that presence with each other. And while we may message each other constantly, having that time to actively do something together helped so much.   To make it better, before he left, he visited his parents, and spent the night with me.  I was so happy to just have the chance to be snuggled up with him, and spend time with him before he went so far away, and we had to adjust to the massive time change.  I think we both needed the time, especially because he had so much going on throughout that week. We've both been more present, and attentive, and it's definitely helping. Plans with Kitty are also coming together, and I'm

When I was with Thrax, I hated going to anything with him.  As soon as we'd get there, he would literally be telling me to go away any time I was in the same room as him, regardless of what I was doing, because he'd be trying to hit on someone else, or manipulate someone.  I usually wouldn't see him until he was too drunk to walk, and I needed to get him to bed.  I always found other people to spend time with, but still, I hated the fact that any time other people were around, or we were doing anything, he wanted nothing to do with me.  Yet more things that I've been taught about poly and balancing through having to deal with it from the worst side. There's a reason I point this out, I promise. Kitty and I have been planning to go to GKE.  It'll be our first weekend have time focused on each other in a year, and we're both looking forward to it.  We still need to finalize some plans, but it's coming together. And Lux will be just back from h

If my brain were a room, It'd be a big space, with lots of random things.  Space to dance, and work tables, and big bookshelves, and big boxes where cute boys live.  Normally, it's got lots of things being worked on and thought about but all in their respective areas, where they stay organized, and let me work on everything I want. Right now though, it's a mess.  A mess of different things. I miss spending time with Lux and Kitty.  Even though I've been talking to them both more regularly, I haven't had time to relax with either of them in person for months.  Lux was planning to come down last weekend to spend time with his parents, and we would have found some time for quiet snuggles, but he was sick, which means I won't be seeing him until after he gets back from travelling to far away lands for work.  Pretty much all I want at this point is time to actually physically snuggle up with them. I'm worried about Lux with everything in his life right now.

There are times that I see how much I've grown over time, and how I've learned to see red flags, and just how much I truly won't put up with. Unfortunately, I'm seeing this because of other people. There are emotionally abusive people out there who purposely seek out those who are fresh out of relationships.  People who hunt down those who have been single for a long time.  The kind of people who know they are toxic partners, but don't want to change themselves to have healthy relationships, but hope they'll find someone that will believe their poison for the long term. When someone gets out of an abusive relationship, or gets done with a bad break up, or has been unpartnered for a long time, it causes them to crave attention.  To eat up any acknowledgement focused at them, and throw themselves at it, because they are so used to the opposite.  They hope that this person that says positive things means them, even though they say it without knowing who they

There was this thing on social media lately, where people are supposed to choose three fictional characters that they relate to/explain who they are.  A ton of people were posting it all around, and while I wanted to see what people thought of, I couldn't think of a list for myself.  I am in general someone who is very much only myself.  I'm weird, and proud of it, and it makes it hard for me to be really similar to anyone. I posted it anyway, wondering what people would respond with. One person posted a purple minion.  Yea, thanks asshat.  While that may have been a joke once, it actually doesn't relate to who I am at all.  Glad to hear that you have no idea about me. Someone else said Karen Murphy from Dresden Files.  Which, while I wouldn't normally make that correlation, I do find a ton of similarities when I think about it.  I enjoy this comparison, for several reasons, and as such, I will put her on my list. Well, then I kept thinking.  Three characters th

I've been trying to have more time talking to both Kitty and Lux.  Regular chats with Kitty have been helping a ton, and have had a very positive impact on my mood.  Lux has been stressed though, and even though we recently saw each other when we went camping, we got very little time to relax together. And that's what I want. I want time to just curl up and relax with someone.  Time when we're not running around trying to get stuff done, and I can actually have physical contact and comfort. It's been a couple months since it's happened at this point, and it's definitely affecting me.   Things like this cause me to be cranky more easily, and I lose my place in thought, or just feel off.   While there's possible time I'll be spending with both boys in the next month, I don't know about either of them definitely yet, and it makes me feel worse in a way.  Because at this point, I've more or less learned not to expect the happier op

Now that the summer is done, and I'm no longer prepping for a ton of different large events, I'm back to wanting to dive into a ton of creative projects. I'm knee deep in crochet, both with a massive project started, and a ton of ideas for things I want to make.  Those alone will likely keep me busy for a while.  They'll be super cute, and the people they're going to should love them. I have been wanting to try a ton of new recipes, both on random impulse things that look tasty, and ideas for the beast's breakfasts and such.  We're also still testing out timing for things on the new stove since swapping over to gas, which means needing to use Rosh Hashanah as an excuse for experiments.  So far nothing has gone too oddly though. Even though I already do a ton of different things, I want to try making a quilt for the first time.  It doesn't seem like it should take too long to do if I pick something simple for a pattern, and this time of year is the

This is going to be a dancey rant.  Because it needs to happen.  Consider yourself warned. Over the faire I worked at, I spent time with some of the dancers I've known for just about my entire time doing belly dance.  They've always been very chill, and decent people, but as dancers, they are incredibly frustrating. Everything from costuming, to makeup, to their dancing itself, and attitude towards it is a project for me to be around.  They have this sort of half assed attempt at education in regards to tribal belly dance that leads them to having barely decent costumes (that they don't even know what they're actually wearing) giant swirls on their face that they think are traditional harquus (normally small dots and simple lines), and a level of proficiency in dance that is just enough to where if they actually practiced with how they've been taught, they're likely to injure themselves. The point of tribal belly dance is to use a series of moves with othe

Last weekend was a faire I was dancing at, and Lux went to fight and see friends.  It was also a really long week prior to.  Lux will be travelling far away for work in a month, and things with his family were a bit stressful, as well as things at home being difficult for me. We both have somewhat different circles at this faire.  Where Lux is good friends with all the fighters, I've become friends with the other dancers, vendors and performers over time, so we wind up doing very different things during the day.  This resulted in both of us having a very different days, that were less relaxing than we'd expected them to be. Lux saw a lot of his old partners, and there is a ton of things going on with all of them, Most of which were either creating stress in their lives, or frustrating for him.  And after they'd all expressed interest in playing, they all bailed.  Had I not been so busy as well during the day (with things I intend to write about later) I would have made

I had that talk with Kitty a while back.  One that honestly had me worried if it would have any effect. Much to my happy surprise though, even throughout camp he kept up some level of communication, which I didn't expect at all given how busy he would be.  It continued past then, and we finally got time to have a long video call. We also talked about keeping up with them while he's not in an office, and even after.  With the beast in school, lunch dates are seeming like a plan to become a regular thing, and I can't wait. Apparently, he had been aware of his lacking in contact, and was planning on saying something when he got back from camp.  I just got to it first. We're also talking about possibly seeing each other again soon, which I'm really looking forward to. A little while ago, I was feeling so incredibly frustrated with him, to the point where if it was anyone else, I would get rid of them without a second thought.  With how he's responded thoug

I have been insane over the last two weeks. Things are picking up again, and honestly, after the lull after Pennsic, it feels good. The beast is back, and she's started school again.  That's both something that gives me time to get things done, and removes time because it enforces a schedule on me that much more heavily.  She's also been trying to avoid doing what I need her to lately, with the other people in the house letting her get away with too much, which will need to change as the school year gets going. I've taken on a few new projects that I can't wait to finish.  I think they're all going to look fantastic.  They are all of course also very time consuming. With the beast back in school, I have no excuse not to get more serious about working out again.  I started slacking off too much after Pennsic, and need to dive back in head first.  Hopefully that will help me feel a lot better again. And on that note, Lux and I are going to be at a faire

I've had to speak about my pain tolerance to people a lot lately.  Either explaining it to people, or others discovering it, and talking about all the little ins and outs of being able to take a beating like I can. When I first tell people how high my pain tolerance is, they usually wind up asking first if I have to be careful of permanent damage before my brain tells me something is hurting.  They just think that I go from zero to broken bones. And, I mean, for some people, the amount that I take and shrug off may honestly be enough to do near permanent damage to others I do a lot of listening to my body though.  Whether it's pain, or just little changes in my system.  I know when I ovulate, and can usually tell exactly when my period will start well before it does.  I know early on when I'm dehydrated, and what my body needs to run properly.  I pay very close attention to when my body is telling me something is wrong, and when something is just an irritation.  And,

One day last week was particularly draining for me, though it had a lot of good come from it. Lux and I wound up talking through a bunch of stuff, and at the same time, I was feeling very frustrated with Kitty.  Over the summer, there were countless times when we'd planned to talk, and I'd sat waiting to hear from him, or even though I would send him regular messages trying to keep up communication, I had only got a small scattering of responses, usually with no actual information about his goings on. It had me feeling such a mix of bad things.  I felt ignored, and like he was taking advantage of how loyal he knows I am.  I felt like he was just leaving me aside as he tried to balance his other partners, that I could simply be dropped while he tended to them.  It felt like even after I spoke up from my visit, I was just hearing less and less from him.  Like he was leaving again, but more slowly this time. I had planned to bring it up to him after camp.  He had enough on h

I had a really interesting moment while at Pennsic, and walking away from it, I felt really happy, and proud of myself. One day, in between classes I had a couple free hours.  Instead of walking back to camp and getting comfy only to have to go back, I decided to use that time to look around the vendors for a new mug, as mine was old and dead.  While walking by, I was stopped by an artist whom I had met a Flea.  He called me over, trying to pull schpeel about his product, of which I was fairly uninterested.  I tried to make conversation at a casual level, but he kept pushing product down my throat, which is probably the worst way to get me to buy something.  Even when I tried to talk art with him, stating that I'd put together a coloring book earlier this year, and loved doing anatomy drawings, he just tried to say that I needed some of his drawings. Alright, so this guy didn't even see people as people, but only a wallet.  Got it. And at one point, he says "You know

One of the happiest things about Pennsic this year was how much I saw Lux growing, and taking steps to move forward from many things. He wants to be acknowledged as a fighter, and move forward in his knowledge and skill in the SCA, instead of just being a stickjock.  This will likely lead to us making and researching a ton of fun and interesting things in the future, and my helping him to be seen more as an incredibly competent fighter. Which, he managed to not only fight on the field, but enter other tournaments as well.  He tried the Tuchux tournament, and loved every moment of getting to grapple, and wrestle, and fight dirty compared to normal SCA rules.  He just pouted because he couldn't punch them.  Poor sadist. At the play party we went to, he was far more comfortable, actually said he wants to try doing more public play in the future.  He was also far more acknowledging of our power exchange as a whole, and seemed way more interested in beating me up.  All things that

While at Pennsic, Lux and I had to have lots of talks about the other people we were looking at doing things with. Now, generally we're pretty chill about other partners happening, just keeping reminders to be careful, and discussing the possible happenings with any of them.  When we need to put our foot down on someone, it's usually because they're having a serious negative effect, or may be harmful to the other. So, I had a very short, not real beating from a friend of ours the night we got on site.  That, and the time being tied by Murphy were totally cool with Lux, not only because we know how incredibly safe they are, but because he was present for the majority of it. He did however, feel nervous about the fire spinner that is super pretty.  He knows I can handle myself if shit goes down, but didn't know exactly what to expect that I had wanted (literally just to touch his butt, and not sex) because he usually goes right to wanting to fuck.  Even when I remin

I had a lot more time put into rope over Pennsic.  I watched a lot of different people get tied who reacted very differently, and definitely learned quite a bit more about my preferences in rope itself. I also got to see Lux get suspended.  In a yurt. For those of you not aware, Lux is a big brick wall of man who is over 300lbs.  And he went into the air, and got inverted and loved every minute.  It was super cool to watch, and is now the source of a lot of silliness and jokes and plans, but more on that later. However, I learned that I enjoy the challenge of rope.  I like feeling that pressure, and thinking to myself that I'm on a ride, and need to muscle through.  I absolutely prefer not being able to move, rather than a freedom of movement, and having to be careful of it.  That adventure of being put into place, and not knowing which way I'll be turned or twisted is fun, and makes for a super interesting ride with the top. I still don't space, or zen.  I keep a v

On the ride out to Pennsic, I apparently brought on what was the best rant from Lux ever. See, the fire spinner than I thought was super pretty last year?  Well, he and I started talking, and becoming friends, and I totally had plans to hang out with him and wanted to touch his butt.  Well, because Lux is bad with names, instead of calling him by his name, I simply referred to him as "cute boy". Well, apparently this was confusing for him, and struck a nerve.  The most adorable nerve ever. He went off.  About how for the longest time he was the cute boy, and how sometimes I say Kitty is cute, and he deals with that.  But that I've been saying I've been making plans with a cute boy, and talking about something with a cute boy, and he knows I don't mean him, and probably don't mean Kitty, and so which boy is cute boy in these situations. It went on for about ten minutes, and the entire time I giggled, feeling badly for making him feel less like he is the

I'm home from Pennsic, and this year was really fantastic.  Lux and I had a much better time than last year, and I felt far more comfortable over all.  Things moved a lot more smoothly, and it was a load of fun. My class went well, and I got in a lot of other solid classes.  Only one was a little disappointing, but the rest were all super fun and I picked up a few cute new things.  Unfortunately, we didn't spend anywhere near as much time at parties this year, so straight up dancing time was a lot lower than last year, but we still had fun nonetheless. The weather kicked everyone's ass.  It was so hot and humid that they were cancelling the heavy battles, and people were dropping left and right.  Most afternoons Lux and I would just lay next to each other, wanting to show affection, but avoiding contact.  The phrase "Don't touch me" became a joke for a few days, due to how gross it was.  With the exception of the first night, when we were clinging to each

This should be the last post prepped up before Pennsic.  You get fresh new stuff soon hopefully. And, speaking of which, this one is looking super busy for me, despite my previous entries! I've got eleven hours of dance classes across three days, a big dance show, and a munch to attend.  Parties at night, and lots of people I want to find time with. I want to find time to walk the camp and take pictures to show everyone. And now, my friend Ogre and Lux both want playtime with me, and are determined to beat me up.  Which, I'm certainly not going to complain about if it happens.  I'm looking forward to actually getting in play time again.  It should be really fun, and while it might be a project to cover the marks, I'll make due. I've also been talking to the cute boy from last year, and I'm pretty determined to touch butts.  I am however terrible at showing attraction toward someone until I develop enough mutual comfort with them to just be awkward and

I often feel like I'm cheating, or losing out on big adventures, because I very rarely do things with a lot of expectation.  It's probably a bit due to everything in the past, but as time has gone on, I've just stopped making a lot of expectations in regards to anything, because more often than not, I'm met with disappointment. For the last while, I've been getting messages, or hearing from Lux that he wants to make something of his Pennsic.  He wants to do this, or that, or focus on this for the week.  Like he has this mountain of fantasies to pack into our trip. And while I'm planning on attending a lot of classes, I know they're all feasible to me.  So long as it isn't too hot, I'll be tired at the end of the week, but they just depend on me taking a short walk every day.  I'd like to walk the grounds and take pictures one afternoon when I get the time, but again, that's just dependent on me finding time to mosey about around everythin

On my birthday, Lux handed me two bags of fabric.  See, he needed a ton of new tunics that actually fit his arms, and he didn't make any.  That left me with two weeks to make him tunics to wear for a week. Luckily, I did most of my personal packing well beforehand.  He questioned it when I did it.  I'm sure he's happy now. And my brother came to visit. Which means that with the beast home, and my brother visiting, I had to sew eleven tunics, most of which is from fabric he ordered and had mailed to me after he handed me the initial bags. Needless to say, I was running around like a headless chicken, knowing I would get it all done, but still worried that I might not have the time to get it all done.  But he'll be comfortable, and feel much better in things that fit him properly.  And in turn, I get to feel accomplished in knowing that he enjoys everything I've made for him. There's service in everything, and just that makes me happy. I'm really h

Lux had kind of a hard time on his birthday at a few points.  A couple of his exes decided to message him, and then started conversations, and by the next day, it was getting to him.  We talked about how he wants to be able to just let things happen, and not feel paranoid or territorial, and how staying quiet just doesn't work.  How acknowledging things, and keeping up with that transparency of feelings will do a world more good, and probably keep issues to a minimum, or remove them over time.  We talked about how he hates to feel like he's just an extra person who sometimes gets noticed, and while he doesn't mind being his partners having other people, he needs to feel like he's a priority in things, rather than just an occasional convenience. I told him about how I know he's very aware that I'm never going anywhere, and am not going to magically change and ignore him, there's still a part of his brain that is paranoid about it because of his past partn

A couple weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my mother.  About how I tend to not really wear perfumes, because Lux has no sense of smell, and I don't really care for them.  That I don't make any decisions on my appearance for how other people feel about them, but for me. My mother scoffed at it, and responded as though that made me an asshole.   Mind you, I very rarely look like a shlub.  I'm always clean, and groomed, and like to keep up with myself, as well as wear clean clothing. But I wouldn't make anywhere near the decisions about my appearance that I do if I was so worried about other people.  I wouldn't dress anywhere near the same, because as is, I am constantly stared at, put down, and treated like I'm a freak.  I would just be trying to fit in to fashion, and have no sense of self expression, too afraid to do something outside of what society deems as appropriate. I wouldn't have my tattoos, or piercings, or wear the jewelry

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that Lux commented that he had no way to really threaten me, or assert dominance over me.  That is was nice in a way, that he knew all submission was purely because he had been a safe and supportive enough domly dom to earn it, but sometimes he wants reinforce that he's in charge. Just, keep that post in mind.  It'll come back, I promise. Last weekend Lux came to visit for both our birthdays, and to drop off fabric for me to make him some things, and see his parents before Pennsic.  Oh, and show off his new swanky truck. We went to dinner, and an arcade afterward where we were super silly, then got ice cream.  Afterward, we came back to the house, and snuggled up for a while. Then he snuggled half his weight on me, and I went to grope on his arms.  Which, for those of you who don't know, are giant, and with him working out lately, have gotten very defined, and super pretty.  I often nom on them, sometimes to show affection as a whole, an

While Pyre, Panda, and I were talking last weekend, Pyre brought up that a guy had given her a foot rub at Fusion last year because he feet were so fried.  At Summerfest, he expressed desire to submit to her, and all that jazz. And her reaction was that she doesn't really like to top or dominate guys.  Panda agreed that even though she's primarily a bottom and a submissive herself, she felt the same. I didn't agree, saying that the vast majority of the time, I lean toward topping or being the domly person in a play situation. Sometimes, I feel like that view on things is kind of a cop out.  It sort of just runs on physical appearance and standard gender ideas when switches choose what side they'll take just by the gender of the other person. It means Pyre will never really fight back with Kitty (even though she is a brat to him, as we all are and should be) or feel like she wants power over him just because he's a boy.  That's so weird.  It's just so

So, Pyre and her wife crashed over this weekend before going on their mini tour.  Kitty was of course super happy that we were hanging out, and I was helping the people he cares about.  At the same time, he was a little worried. See, I might not be considered the best influence for the behavior of others.  I never endanger people, or pressure them into things that would be seen as harmful, or damaging.  I however, put bugs in their heads to say things that might not be the most appropriate, or would be more entertaining to everyone.  This has a tendency to get Pyre in trouble with Kitty, which I am remarkably ok with. He also apparently barely talks about everything that's happened to him before moving to DC.  He only mentioned me before I really actively came back into his life seriously, and so there is a massive chunk of his life that he either doesn't remember, or doesn't mention. And then along comes a good partner like me, who fills in some of those holes.  Some

I've been trying to do more to take care of myself lately, especially in order to be in better shape for Pennsic, but also just to feel better over all. I've decided to do a slow, but complete detox off of caffeine.  I started drinking coffee, and any caffeinated beverage for that matter, only due to the taste, and now having to consume some in the morning because otherwise I will get a horrible headache is no fun.  I want to be able to make that choice, not for it to be mandatory.  So right now I'm limiting myself to one cup a day, and still not drinking any soda, and very reluctantly not diving into my jar of chocolate espresso beans.  I'm finding that the mornings are a little easier for me, and I'm taking less time to feel awake. Even with the vast amount of birthdays and things going on this month, I'm trying to watch how much, and what I eat more closely.  That's not very easy here, where my parents basically live on meat and carbs, and I'm con