Thursday, December 29, 2016

Picked Up

This year has been... weird.

I learned that I can balance multiple partners in person, and not just stare at them confused about which one to snuggle.

I learned that metamours, and building connections with them can be awesome.

Headstands became so close to my reach I can smell it.

I experienced polydrop for the first time, and it sucks.

I attended a partner's wedding, and used that time to dig into him in ways only I can.

I was present.

I learned as much as I could.

Over just a couple weeks, I put together a coloring book to share with friends.

For the first time, I wore rope, and got suspended.

I built new friendships.

I ended some toxic ones.

The karma dance was performed.

I spoke up.

I started explaining to my daughter about negative behavior, manipulation, and abuse so she will always be able to recognize it.

I discovered how much my body and mind is affected by my diet and exercise, even after only a couple days.

This year has been a lot of good and bad, but it's almost over, and that means it's time to look toward all the new things we can accomplish.

Sunday, December 25, 2016


A little over a month ago, Kitty had a friend over, who had asked for help with some serious stuff.  We talked about it, and discussed about how she would likely start attaching herself to him, and that he needed to be aware of that.

Well, gave it a couple weeks, and she wants to be a serious partner of his.  He's saying that she's making legitimate progress on making herself a better person, and someone who he would consider dating, but mostly just says she's cute.  Sometimes, old habits die hard.

However, he already has three partners, and still has trouble balancing that many.  He knows this, and often talks to me about how badly he feels for not being able to give proper time to everyone.  Of course, he barely thinks about that when considering taking on another partner though.

And it makes me think about how after a while of having two partners, that I'm still completely poly-saturated.  I can't imagine taking on another partner.  Both because I doubt there's another boy around that makes me as happy as they do, or that would treat me as well, and because if a time like now were to occur again, I don't know if I could spread care and presence properly amongst any more people.

I also joke that cute boys are traps.  Twice now I've gotten close to someone, and had all the feels and all, and then had to deal with them moving away.  If that ever happens with another boy, I give up.  I'm well beyond normal expectations of loyalty (which Kitty reminds me of often) but if another cute boy develops an amazing thing with me, and then moves hours away, I'm not balancing more than two long distance things.  Not doin' it.  These two are enough of that.

There are some people who may want to have a dozen serious partners, and figure out how to balance them all happily, and feel content with it.  It's one situation, and there's nothing wrong with saying that you're feeling happy and like you have enough.  Right now, and probably for a very long time, these two are enough for me.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

All the things

Along with all the normal holiday stress, this year also brings about the cookiepocalypse, and making a ton of gifts for people.

This year the cookiepocalypse happens to be a little smaller than normal.  I was initially told to barely make any, and when I pointed out how little it would be, I then said I would be making more, and it was understood.  The house is full of a ton of cookies, but unfortunately, there's been very little healthy stuff in the house as well, which has been turning my mood to garbage.

I have also put together a whole box of stuff for Kitty, and the house down there.  I need to remember to mail it, and at this point it likely won't make it for Christmas, but it will make it there eventually.  I think it's all stuff they will enjoy, and can't wait for them to see everything.

I've made some super cool stuff for Lux, and it's been really hard to keep it a secret.  I'm looking forward to spending time with him over the holidays, and getting to finally give it to him.

Speaking of which, to holidays are really weird this year.  I'm spending Christmas Eve talking with Kitty, because we'll both be home alone.  I'm also not headed north with Lux, because he's spending the week with his family, though I did ask for time to just hang out together.

There's also been some stuff that I made for the beast.  She was asking for a plushie from a short anime I found, so I made up how to crochet one as I went along.  I think she's going to love it.  I also made her a new scarf because the gnome always loses the old one I made her, and I made a large drawing of the super cutest pokemon possible, after she asked for something to hang up in her room.

This year is super weird, but it's going.  Honestly though, I already have time planned to spend with people I care about, and that actually give a shit about me, and that's all I ever ask for, because I know better than to want anything else.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Without Walls

I saw Lux before he went back home last week.  He has been dealing with serious issues with his parents, and finally came by to see me while taking care of things.

And where he had said he planned for us to go to brunch, he instead dropped the emotional bomb of everything going on.  And I just listened, curling up next to him while he dumped it all out.  Normally, Lux focuses so hard to keep everything at a baseline.  To act like he's unphased by things, and just able to move and flow with things.  This time, he let down those walls, and just spewed.

It was one of those times when it reminds me there are still people who think men, and domly folk can't feel stress.  They need to be a rock through everything.  Those absolutely unrealistic expectations that prove they've never had a partner through any sort of serious life event.  This didn't make Lux weak, or any less of what he is.  If anything, it showed the trust and connection we have.

And of course, he apologized afterward, as if he was at fault for spewing emotion like that.  I assured him that I had no problem with it, and that he had nothing to apologize for.  That if this is what he needs for a while, then it's how we spend time together, and I'm fully prepared for that.

It's going to be a long time before he's ok again, and I'm here for whatever he needs during that time, and well beyond then.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

A Stronger Net

I've mentioned how Pyre and Lux are going through a lot of stuff right now.  There's chaos on all sides of my polycule, and it's creating a lot of stress.

Kitty has been using what time he can to help with Pyre, and I've been trying to give him time and presence through it to process things.  Also discussing my view on the situation as a whole.  He's been helping Pyre, because they're living together, and she's his partner.

I've also been talking a lot with Pyre through everything.  Even though she doesn't effect the stability or health of my relationships, she's still important to one of my important people, and someone I know would be a good friend regardless of us having a mutual partner.  

Side notes: When Thrax was trying to win over Bit, I didn't approve of her at all.  She had no ambition, no respect, and barely took care of herself.  If Thrax wasn't trying to get into her pants, I never would have given her the time of day, and Thrax was constantly using his shitty excuse for power exchange to force me to do for her.

However, I outwardly offered in this, and that's the difference.  We had a lunch date the other day, talking about things going on, and trying to give input and perspective.  We both agreed at the same time, that it was fun, and needs to happen more.

We giggled about this, because it means I'll probably have Hangouts dates with her as often as I do my own partner.

Speaking of that, I was catching Kitty up about everything with Lux while we were talking.  He immediately said that while he wasn't sure he was on that list of trusted people, he would be a third party to talk to if necessary.

The last couple weeks make me really happy that I have this healthy of a polycule.  It has it's issues, and it isn't perfect, but it is made of strong, supportive pillars that all want to build upon each other.  Every single one of us has our own brainbugs, but together, I think we're doing this poly thing pretty damn well.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Blaming Brainbugs

Everyone is entitled to bad days.  The world isn't all sunshine, and so we don't all need to be happy and sparkly every day.  In fact, that is part of what makes life and the world beautiful, is all the complex emotions and things that occur every day.

And sometimes, on those really bad days we might be a bit of an ass.  Someone tries to help at just the wrong moment, and winds up being snapped at, taking the brunt of the stress from the day.  It's something that happens, and being able to see that this is what happened is important as well, so both parties can recognize it, talk as necessary, and move on.

However, mental illness doesn't give an excuse for that to happen more often.  It doesn't create much excuse for it at all.  Unfortunately, a lot of people use mental illness as an excuse for poor behavior.  That it allows people to turn toxic, and then sweeps that under the rug because they have something to throw it at.

But toxic behavior is never acceptable, no matter what is going on in someone's life.

Having two partners who go through anxiety, and have gone through, or are going through depressive spells, I can clearly say they've never treated me in any form of abusive or toxic manner.  Sure, on bad days they'd be cranky, and I'd need to try and be a little more careful talking to them, but not out of fear of being attacked, but rather out of wanting to try and make them more comfortable.

And that's the difference.

If I have to say "It's ok that they attacked me, they have (whatever), and I need to avoid something to not be attacked again." it's a lot different from "They're having a bad day.  Let's keep things simple, and I will be helpful and supportive where I can so that tomorrow is better."

And the more you let someone act that way, the more they'll do it, because they can.  Because they have some amount of control, and that they either want to make someone feel worse to feel like they do, or because they don't want think to the point of figuring out how their actions will affect people, and will never be made to change and consider the people around them.

Toxic behavior is always toxic.  Whether it's meant or not, and regardless of what else is going on through the person's brain.  And it's part of our job to take care of ourselves and recognize that.

Thursday, December 08, 2016


I want to talk a little about mental illness.

Which, I don't like calling it that.  It makes it sound like something similar to a cold.  Like you can just take something and everything goes away, and you feel fine, and go about the world like normal.  Like someone can visit, and tuck you in and bring you tea and soup and the next day you wake up feeling like you're back in fighting shape.

And, it's not like that.  Things like depression, or anxiety or a slew of other things are something that sticks around for a long time.  Even if you manage to overhaul your life and feel better, you're still susceptible to it.  If the personal case is enough to feel that meds are necessary, they often lessen the symptoms, but don't completely alleviate them, and in most cases, isn't something that after taking them long enough you no longer need.

While talking to Lux after Thanksgiving, he said he often feels like people go away when they realize that he doesn't want people to try and fix him.  I told him that I understood, and that while I want to help, that's me trying to be supportive and care.  He assured me that I was not included in that group, but rather that instead of support, they saw him as a project to fix.

In my head, I screamed in rage.  Because while Lux does require some care and attention from partners and friends, he just like many others, doesn't need to be fixed.

There's nothing there to fix, because he isn't broken.

People aren't projects.  And the majority of the time, people aren't broken.  It's not like a model car that might have a piece snapped.  People are themselves, and whatever is in their brain is just an aspect of them.  It's important to try and grow and improve as people, and it can be useful to have friends and loved ones around for support  and encouragement through that, but it doesn't make them broken.

I know a lot of people who almost consciously seek people out with mental illness to try and turn them into projects for their own satisfaction.  Like if they can have their mental state improved it is something they are responsible for, and take the credit of doing, rather than seeing the person as a person, liking them for who they are, and encouraging them to simply be their best self so they can enjoy more of life.

Brains are complex things, and so are people.  Mental illness is one more layer to everything.

Sunday, December 04, 2016


The last week has been rather weird.  Sure, the weekend was good, but this week overall has just been a lot of stuff coming from everywhere.

Apparently things exploded down south with Kitty, and now a lot of things are very shaky.  I've spent a lot of the week trying to talk to Pyre and Kitty about everything going on, and give my view on it all.  Unfortunately, it either has a lot of potential for harm, or people to be very upset for a good while.  It has me feeling rather protective of many people, and with them being far away, makes it worse.

Lux is having some family issues, which has him incredibly stressed, and makes me very concerned for his family as well as for him.  He has a lot of anxiety over it, and I'm trying to help him stay calm and help where I can.

Many things are going on, and not for the better.  A ton of things are in the air right now, and many others are exploding.

While I may be trying to deal with things in my own house, it's times like this when being as present as possible can be the most important thing.

Thursday, December 01, 2016

Getting Comfy

While Lux was here for the holiday, we had initially made plans to go see a movie together, and hang out and talk and try to relax together.  A couple days before I looked up movie times and we made up a plan to spend Saturday together.

We had also been talking about wanting to play more, and get back into things, and interest with all the stuff.  About having more comfort getting back into play, and how to have the little kick in the ass so that we do actually play, and not just have sex and snuggle, and more sex and video games.

Well, Lux got to my place late on Saturday, and said that we should go get food.  On the way, he made a point of showing off his new toy bag (mostly because of some new things he got for himself), and mentioning all the other things in there.  We talked about some serious things, and some fun things, and found somewhere to eat near the theatre.

During dinner we talked about some more serious stuff, and asked about the time once, and shrugged when I said it was getting close to the movie time.  He kept bringing up wanting to get comfortable playing again, and with kink in general, and once we were done eating he looked at me and just asked if I wanted to get beaten up.

Well fuck yes I do!

So we went out, and had a lot of sex, and I am covered in lots of dark pretty bruises.  We talked about how he didn't play as hard as he has in the past, and how a lot of that is him getting back into practice with things.  About him becoming comfortable with him, and what he wants out of play, and how that doesn't make him any worse than anyone else.

It was a lot of fun, and now I'm super happy to spend that time with him, and can't wait for more.  I feel like he really is making a lot of steps to get back to being happy with himself lately, and I'm so proud of seeing him doing this.

Afterward, we got ice cream an talked about playing games together.

Sometimes, you just need the simple things to stay happy.

Sunday, November 27, 2016


I've been thinking lately, about how I space, and how the vast majority of the time, I don't get there.  Thinking about how even though I can space from singular aspects, it rarely happens, and why.

I have to be able to actually relax in order to space.  However, through my early teens, and even into my present, I'm frequently told that even though I'm funny, and fun, and helpful, I'm wound tightly, and generally very tense.  People used to tell me all the time to relax until I learned to just cover it up with actions.

And, that comes through in play.  I need to be at a point where I know I won't have to do damage control or keep a heavy eye on things in the moment.  I can, and will always do what is necessary after the fact, because that has no impact on me during. Especially when it comes to pain though, I have to monitor what is going on so closely due to my pain tolerance.  I have to know what the difference is between pain that feels good, pain that needs to be watched over, and damage, to which the lines between those aren't that wide.

I generally burn through the endorphins my body releases during a beating in order to focus on the pain, and keep better tabs over myself.  Usually, it takes so long that most of my body is overstimulated, and at that point the top can use less force that I can finally relax, knowing damage is much less likely to happen, and I can start just riding out everything.

It's like that with everything.  I'm trying to focus on myself, and my partner, and take care of everything, and enjoy what's going on, and it's often hard for me to just relax.

Maybe, at some point soon, I need time with one of my partners where we both get to the point where we just let go with each other, and spend the time playing until we both are giggly with endorphins.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Annual Obligatory Post

So, stuff I'm thankful for and junk. This year has been weird, and I'm not in the best mental place when I'm writing this, so this one might be a little weird.

I am thankful for getting to learn new things about me.  That while I don't get subdrop, I do get poly drop.  That I will always find ways the abuse of my past will creep in, and that I can get past it all.  That I am far better at communicating than a lot of my friends, and that I truly won't stand for any of the shit I've dealt with in the past.

I am thankful for having safe people to do new things with!  And then to find my space in those things, and discover what I enjoy about them.  I am thankful for my love of a challenge, and always wondering just how far I can push myself.

I am thankful for getting to learn how poly works for me, and having two absolutely wonderful and patient partners, who I can't imagine having ones that I care for more.  Who are supportive, and fun, and no matter how weird they might be, I think they're the best.

I'm thankful for metamours who actually care about my partners, and have true interest in taking care of, and helping them when I cannot.  Ones that I can be friends with, and encourage the polycule as a whole.

I am thankful for people in my life.  The ones who are present for me, and that I can be present for, and try to create some support for.

I am thankful for the little things.  The small gestures and moments that bring joy, just by being simple.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Branching Path

I follow quite a few Tumblrs.  One of which I found out was actually really local to me.  She is close to my age, hypersexual, and very masochistic.  We actually started talking because a new partner of hers had been giving her trouble, and I offered my ear and whatever advice I could give.

Well, this partner had only been around a couple weeks, and she already wanted to be in a committed relationship, with power exchange, and they were fluidbound the first time they met.  She claimed kissing during sex was being affectionate, and that they were super close friends, even though they'd never gone and done something out of the house together.

Needless to say, I tried to explain to her that this situation wasn't exactly a healthy set up, and if she was already having issues a couple weeks in, it probably wasn't going to last a super long time under any real harmony.

He dumped her for another girl the next day, and she moped for a day, before finding several guys online that she fucked in the few days that followed, telling me that she doesn't bother becoming friends with people before fucking them because then she'd never get laid.  And went bare with all of them.  She then decided she wanted to get chastity piercings, so I recommended my piercer.  She refused to go with him, because of the money, and because he wouldn't do eight piercings at once.  I explained several reasons as to why he wouldn't do that many piercings at once, and why it's such a bad idea, and she just said she would go to a shop she had gone to before because it was cheap.

And I think about how she's acted since I started talking to her, and realized that while we have several similar traits, she shows the dramatic difference of being emotionally driven versus logically driven.  She lets her own safety go to the wayside, doesn't actually care about those she has sex with as people, and doesn't actually look at things clearly, but rather towards whatever gets her toward her desired outcome the easiest.

I'd think about recommending friends to her, or partners who are into similar things as her, but she's so unsafe that I don't want to risk my friend's safety either.  There are people in this world that I think let fantasy run their lives too much, and it's slowly burning them more and more.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Carry Over

Kitty and I talked about a lot of things when we were together.  A lot of rolling conversations that just flowed.  One morning, while still avoiding getting out of bed, he mentioned beatings before coffee and breakfast, which I said isn't an option, because I need to be awake to process and read what's going on properly.  He agreed after a minute, and said that morning kidnappings at camp or something would probably work better.

I explained that things like that are how people get stabbed.  If someone is in bed with me when I go to sleep, and is supposed to be there, I have no problem being woken up for sex at any point.  My mind knows they should be there, and everything is cool.  However, if someone wasn't there when I went to bed, and wakes me up, I will wake up swinging, and generally have a lot of weapons within arms reach of where I sleep.

He amusedly understood, and then questioned that middle of the night sex was ok.  I was honestly surprised that this even needed to be asked.  He is aware of my sex drive, and I've told him in the past about Lux and I winding up waking each other several times throughout the night with regular occurrence.  As his argument, he pointed out that it was something between Lux and I, and that it might not carry over.  That with that point of view, he should be fluid-bound with all his partners.  I pointed out that fluid-bonding with partners is an act of common sense and respect for other partners, and follows its own rules.  While he agreed, continued with his point.

And, it became more aware to me how much of Lux and I isn't really things exclusive to us as far as play goes.  We obviously have a couple things, whether for his comfort, or out of trust of our dynamic and safety, but the vast majority is simply what I want.  Things regarding frequency of sex are on my terms, regardless of the partner, because sex happens when I want it (which is all the time, but still).  So long as it doesn't interfere with the few things that either bother the shit out of me, or will get you stabbed, I don't care which of my partners you are, sex is an option.  Just like so long as you respect my limits in play, almost everything is on the table to every partner I have.  It is a case of me enjoying things, rather than picking apart every dynamic and trying to find all the different things that are only applicable to those relationships.

Sometimes it's a lot to dump all the things on a partner as options, but it's a lot easier to do that than set a million limits and have to lift them up over time, or keep track of what different partners can do.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Proud of weirdness

Thrax only ever tried rope with me once.  He didn't get very far, because I stopped him a few seconds in.  As I watched him trying to tie a simple pair of cuffs, and how badly it was being done, I didn't want to risk the danger involved with letting him continue.  He threw a tantrum as I stopped him, thinking he could manipulate me into letting him be unsafe.  When he realized he wasn't going to work, he grumped his way into the living room, and I grabbed a second bundle of rope before following him.  I threw him one of them, sat on the couch, and told him I would walk him through tying it, and we would both practice by self tying our ankles.

He refused, claiming that by having any part of himself tied was a submissive act, and he refused to submit in any form.  So, basically he refused to learn things.  

I feel like this is far too common a thing with a lot of people out there.  Tops and domly folks who refuse to experience things because it invalidates their claims of being a top.  And worse, if they enjoy it, they can't truly be a domly dom anymore.

I feel like there is as much stigma to being a switch in kink as there is to being bisexual in vanilla society.  That you can't possibly enjoy multiple things, or even worse, identify as something, while not fitting into the cookie cutter box of it.

I am very lucky to have two boys who aren't afraid to try things.  They see everything as something to learn from, and experience, and know it doesn't make them any less by doing so.

Lux and I have been talking recently about how he has trouble finding things that relate to him.  That he isn't afraid to bottom for things, so long as power exchange isn't involved, because he doesn't enjoy submitting.  He however knows that no act has a specific side of power exchange involved with it.  He also knows that enjoying bottoming for something doesn't make him less of a domly dom.

I've been reminding him about how that is something to be proud of.  That he has something on so many other domlyfolks out there just out of the knowledge of this.

We talk about both being put into rope suspensions, and how even though he's tied up too, it doesn't make him any less domly, just like someone else putting me in rope doesn't make me any less of his submissive.  These acts don't create a sliding scale, but just create more things onto the list of what sort of complex being we are.

And every single thing you experience is something to learn from.  Something to inspire you.  Something that helps you understand, and create safety.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

No Pants is Best Pants

Last weekend I got to spend with Kitty, and while we had talked about a ton of things, it wound up being a weekend of decompressing together and snuggles.

He never even made it over to the con, even though he had talked about buying new toys.  Instead, we were silly, and comfy, and just enjoying time.

Needless to say, he overpacked.  He packed a ton of his impact toys, which we never even got around to.  But more on that later.

When we finally met up, it was that reminder of how we need to spend time together more often.  The instant snuggly hugs that just don't feel like enough.  We had an adventure to the hotel, and babbled, and talked about a ton of current things in the first evening.  Kitty kind of pouted at not getting to have his first choice of dinner, but we still had a fun day.

Saturday we waited forever to get out of bed.  Lots more snuggles, and deciding what to do with the day.

At breakfast, Lux texted Kitty, which he first thought that meant conspiring against me, but unfortunately was him needing to tell me that a friend of ours passed away.  I talked to Lux, made sure he was ok, and explained it all to Kitty while processing.  I didn't let it take long to work through in the moment, because I didn't want it to affect my time with him.  We enjoyed breakfast, then had some adventures, and headed back to the hotel to figure out the evening.  A ton of caffeine later, we opted for some time with fire, which was fun, even if little fire like that is probably not the kind of thing we had both looked forward to the most.  At dinner we talked about a lot of different things, pertaining to all his partners, and Lux and everything.  We've started to make jokes with each other about how long we've been together at this point, and the realization that I'm pretty much the longest term partner of both my partners.  Which is kind of cool.

After dinner, instead of more play time, I worked on Kitty, because he is a super crackly old man,  Which I reminded him of a lot.  But never enough.  Once I was done, he noodled onto the bed, and didn't move until he fell asleep.  Apparently in his sleep he woke up just enough to tell me a myriad of cute things, but not remember it, and then started snoring.

The weekend was fun, albeit not this grand eventful thing, and doesn't need to be.  I'm happy when he's around, and I'm glad he's in my life, and that doesn't require anything flashy or constant action.

Sunday, November 06, 2016

Muppety Flails

This last week has been really helpful for me on a lot of levels.

Before Lux went back home, he visited for a little bit.  He wasn't in the best mindspace due to things with his family, but I still enjoyed the time, and it seemed like having that time together was good for him.  There's so much going on for him right now, and I feel like just being present is helping compared to how most people have been in the past for him.  Which, in a way is easy for me, because I always try to be present with him.  Kitty actually said the other day that Lux and I have a surprisingly open level of communication, especially compared to how he is.

Speaking of which, I get to spend this weekend with Kitty!  I'm so excited, and we don't even have anything planned. We're just looking forward to time, and little things, like late night talks and snuggles.

Because I am smart, and don't want to deal with an undercaffeinated Kitty, I made a ton of cold brew.  Which might be double processed.  When I tasted it, my eye started twitching, which I'm taking as a good sign.  I told Lux I may make Kitty deal with me drinking it straight.  Lux said he is reminded that I treat both of them differently, and is grateful for those differences.  I find this amusing.

And to top it all off, back during E3, a standalone version of Gwent was announced, and I signed up for a closed Beta while the conference was still going.  Well, the beta keys finally got sent, and I got in!  It's been eating up parts of my life since then, and makes me such a happy nerd.

This last week, as been pretty solid.

Thursday, November 03, 2016

Maybe Soon Stuff?

When I was in elementary school, I wound up helping the class more often than I was just a student.  I learned concepts more quickly than my teachers could get through the material for the rest of the class to keep up, and so I would help catch the other students up, and give the teachers a hand, as their way of giving me extra work to do.  Some of the kids developed animosity toward me for obvious reasons, but a lot of the kids liked having me basically teach them mini-classes, and getting to talk while explaining things in ways the books didn't, which made it easier for them to understand.

In High School, if you'd asked me what I wanted to do, if it wasn't some special effects makeup and animatronics, I would say teaching senior english.  I liked the idea of being able to talk about serious topics, and having mature conversations about what was going on, with complex thoughts and ideas in books.  While covering the books I needed to, I wanted to inspire ideas in other people, and teach them not to just look at words, but think about everything.

If you can't tell yet, I've always enjoyed teaching, and always had a knack for it.  Even with dance, I'm constantly tweaking my teaching techniques, and try to be very thorough and safe, and love getting to see people learn things correctly, rather than from the plethora of people who teach dance in an obscure way that isn't safe, or doesn't even explain moves completely, but rather just throws things at people.

I try not to teach anything I'm not completely comfortable with though.  Which is something I was talking to a friend about the other day.  He teaches all over the country, and every once in a while we talk about the things we enjoy about teaching, and how there is always something to be learned, especially by seeing other teachers.  We talked about how too many teachers don't try to be thorough or even clear in their material, and they are unfortunately of the majority.

And, I've been thinking lately about teaching more in the kink scene.  Teaching dance, but also some basic safety when it comes to pain management and power exchange.  Classes on self identity, building dynamics, and where lines are between power exchange and abuse.  I think that right now there are so many classes on consent and negotiation and pick up play, that we don't have enough being taught about what comes next.

Maybe it's time to start writing down notes.

Sunday, October 30, 2016


Lux comes back from travelling this weekend, and I couldn't be happier about it.  Sure, he lives further away than I'd like him to all the time, but after a few days, I was done with the time difference.  Him being six hours later meant we got no real time together.  I woke up when he was halfway through his work day, and when he was getting out of work it was close to when the beast gets home from school.  By the time he's going to bed, I'm not even at the point of making dinner, and it's just too much of a difference for us to really spend much time.  I'll be very happy for us both to be back to a very similar time table, and can't wait to see him again as well.  I even made him some little toys to play with.

In less than a week I see Kitty again, and I am made of excitement.  I am super happy to get to spend time with him, regardless of what we're doing, and really am just looking forward to having solid time together.  We've both had a lot going on, so this will be a lot of catching up and leveling out and being dopey with little things.

I've finished the massive crochet project I was working on, and it weighs a ton.  That being said, my hands got better quickly, and I've had no problems since.  Now to hop onto some of the rest of my pile of projects, and make some awesome things.  I'm getting a lot done lately, and really focusing on getting things accomplished and taking care of myself.

The rest of my living situation may not help me with a lot of this, but some things are looking up a lot, and I am ready for it.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Can't Stop Won't Stop

I'm writing this because I'm forcing myself to give my hands a break.

Yes, this sounds strange because I am still using my hands to type.  But this is fine for them as far as I know today.

Lately, I've been running hard to finish the projects I have.  Crocheting in whatever time I have to make a ton of pieces, then stitching them together to build one of the coolest comforters I've ever put together.  It's massive, and almost done, but with the little bit of force it takes to get the yarn needle through everything over and again, and the speed I've been going at, the muscle in the thumbs are sore as hell.  It's like after leg day, but for my hands.

And it's been an odd day.  At first I used the time to do some cleaning and chores, and waiting for Squishy's father to get here before I really dug into anything.  As I looked at what I needed to do though, I couldn't find much that wasn't going to be hard on my hands.  I worked out, and got some organizing done.

And then I realized just how difficult trying to tell myself not to work on things is.  I mean, I know that I am the kind of person that needs to keep busy, but when I have to force myself to not work on things that are there, it's genuinely a challenge.  I got some sewing done to see progress on something, but I still feel like I need to do more with my day.

I'm hoping by tomorrow that my hands feel better, and become stronger from this.  I have so much more to work on, and so much to do in the coming weeks.  And I need my hands strong to help take care of myself and loved ones.

Sunday, October 23, 2016


The other day, I'm downstairs having some water, and putting on my shoes to get the beast off the bus.  The doorbell rings, about five minutes before I would normally walk out the door.  It's an odd time for people to show up, and no one had ordered anything.

I open the door and find my uncle.  The asshole one I posted about a while back.  Except I have no mental preparation for him to visit, so instantly my brain panics.

No more than two minutes after he walks in the door, the starts swatting at my stomach asking what "that" is.  I tell him it's my stomach, and has a bunch of extra skin from having a kid.  He gets like two inches from my face, saying it's been too long since I had the beast, and so it should be gone.  My mother and his wife (who has a kid from before they were married) all say with me that it's extra skin and will be around forever.

He insists it can't just be skin, to which I tell him that there is a lot of muscle under what is very obviously empty skin.  He tells me I do nothing, and there's no way I could have muscle.  I point out that I work out, and dance nearly every day.  He tells me I don't.  Because obviously I'm just lying to him.  At this point I walk out to get the beast off the bus.

When I come in with her, I go to get her set up with her homework, and label her page so that she knows where to put things.  He starts saying I'm doing her work for her, and baby her too much, and do everything for her.  I tell him that I'm labelling something so she knows how to lay out her work, and I am the only person I allow to do her work with her, because everyone in the house just gives her answers and does it for her.  He shuts up, and instead walks around the table, where I'm leaned over looking at papers less than a foot away from the beast.  He then starts grabbing at my sides, and it takes every bit of my restraint not to swing at him, because my daughter is too close to me for me to be sure she'll be safe if I do.

He continues with his normal telling me that I'm a piece of shit, and I try to cool down.

After he leaves, I tell my mom how pissed I was, and she tells me I was overreacting.  Then my father comes home.  My mother tells him her version of what happens, and I hear him say "Well I've seen plenty of girls who have had kids and don't have a belly like hers."  My mother responds with "I know, but she was insulted because he pointed out her stomach."  At which point I'm about to get violent again.  I wanted to walk in and ask how many girls he's looking at who lost as much weight as I have, had kids, and didn't have access to photoshop or a smartphone.  To point out that every dancer with kids that I know has a stomach just like mine, because that's how the abdominal muscles form when you dance.

I wanted to tell that that his comment wasn't what matter.  It was the fact that he was grabbing at me like he was entitled to.  That all he does it treat me like shit, and then act like I'm an object, and I should put up with it because he's related to me.  That he just refuses to believe anything I say and has to have a problem with every aspect of me because I'm nothing like him, and don't just agree with him.

A more textbook example of abuse could not be found, and of backing abuse with more abuse.  And this is what I live with.  These are the problems we read about on social media.  These are the reasons some women never date, or start doing drugs, or drinking.  It took me a long time to level out from it at all, and I don't know how much more of it I can sit through.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Curled Up

Lux may be across an ocean, and many countries away right now, but the week before he left, I felt so much better, and like we were both getting what we needed.  We spent a lot of time throughout the week on Discord together, and I watched streams of him playing games, so that if we couldn't be curled up on a couch together, we would still have that presence with each other.

And while we may message each other constantly, having that time to actively do something together helped so much.  

To make it better, before he left, he visited his parents, and spent the night with me.  I was so happy to just have the chance to be snuggled up with him, and spend time with him before he went so far away, and we had to adjust to the massive time change.  I think we both needed the time, especially because he had so much going on throughout that week.

We've both been more present, and attentive, and it's definitely helping.

Plans with Kitty are also coming together, and I'm super excited to see him.  We plan to utilize the quiet evenings while Lux is gone to talk more and make further plans.

Things with boys are good.  They're cute, and I'm feeling very grateful for them lately.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Pains in the Butt

When I was with Thrax, I hated going to anything with him.  As soon as we'd get there, he would literally be telling me to go away any time I was in the same room as him, regardless of what I was doing, because he'd be trying to hit on someone else, or manipulate someone.  I usually wouldn't see him until he was too drunk to walk, and I needed to get him to bed.  I always found other people to spend time with, but still, I hated the fact that any time other people were around, or we were doing anything, he wanted nothing to do with me.  Yet more things that I've been taught about poly and balancing through having to deal with it from the worst side.

There's a reason I point this out, I promise.

Kitty and I have been planning to go to GKE.  It'll be our first weekend have time focused on each other in a year, and we're both looking forward to it.  We still need to finalize some plans, but it's coming together.

And Lux will be just back from his work adventure.  He said that he still has some interest in going to it as well, because he's still trying to gain comfort with public play, and wants to see people, but doesn't want to feel like a third wheel.

I assured him he wouldn't be, but then it turned into something more frustrating than it should be.

Kitty wouldn't say he wanted the weekend because he wanted to be supportive of Lux making that growth.

Lux wouldn't say he was going to make plans to go because he didn't want to impede on my time with Kitty.

They're both being good, and I just want to snuggle up with each of them.  It becomes more frustrating because I feel like I'm put in the situation where I have to decide what's happening, and it becomes me choosing one of them over the other, even if just short term.  I know that isn't the case, but I don't want either of them to feel ignored, or like I'm pushing them aside.

Lux then said he would go by himself, because he had to attend things alone for a long time.  And that kind of makes me feel the same way.  Like he has to find a way to go alone because I'm pushing him away for someone else.  He assured me that wasn't the case, several times, because I continually checked, and I made sure he would find me if he needed some time.

Sometimes, the problem is that we're all trying to be good partners at the same time, and it is something that is frustrating in a good way.

Thursday, October 13, 2016


If my brain were a room, It'd be a big space, with lots of random things.  Space to dance, and work tables, and big bookshelves, and big boxes where cute boys live.  Normally, it's got lots of things being worked on and thought about but all in their respective areas, where they stay organized, and let me work on everything I want.

Right now though, it's a mess.  A mess of different things.

I miss spending time with Lux and Kitty.  Even though I've been talking to them both more regularly, I haven't had time to relax with either of them in person for months.  Lux was planning to come down last weekend to spend time with his parents, and we would have found some time for quiet snuggles, but he was sick, which means I won't be seeing him until after he gets back from travelling to far away lands for work.  Pretty much all I want at this point is time to actually physically snuggle up with them.

I'm worried about Lux with everything in his life right now.  He has a lot of stress, and it's affecting him heavily in his everyday life.  Unfortunately, I don't have much ability to help since he's so far away, and knowing he's leaving kind of makes us both worry more.

However, there's only a couple of weeks until I see Kitty, even if we don't have anything set in stone yet.  I'm looking forward to just seeing him again, regardless of what we wind up doing at this point.  Hopefully this week gives us time to figure stuff out though, so we know exactly what we're doing.

So yea, the room in my brain is a mess.  In the next couple weeks it'll get cleaned up though.

Sunday, October 09, 2016


There are times that I see how much I've grown over time, and how I've learned to see red flags, and just how much I truly won't put up with.

Unfortunately, I'm seeing this because of other people.

There are emotionally abusive people out there who purposely seek out those who are fresh out of relationships.  People who hunt down those who have been single for a long time.  The kind of people who know they are toxic partners, but don't want to change themselves to have healthy relationships, but hope they'll find someone that will believe their poison for the long term.

When someone gets out of an abusive relationship, or gets done with a bad break up, or has been unpartnered for a long time, it causes them to crave attention.  To eat up any acknowledgement focused at them, and throw themselves at it, because they are so used to the opposite.  They hope that this person that says positive things means them, even though they say it without knowing who they are.

And because you don't remember how healthy dynamics feel, you fall, and hard.  The person sees this, knows the hook is set, and starts seeing what they can get away with.  They make excuses, or blame everyone else, or create new reasons for doing the same thing over and over again.  But they're so sweet, how could they possibly want something other than your happiness.

But it spirals quickly.  It always does.  No one can keep up a mask forever, and you're caught in the abusive trap again, but still don't remember what a healthy relationship is, if you've ever been in one at all.

And yes, I do know what this is like.  It's the only reason I can see dating Thrax after breaking up with the gnome.  After being treated like such garbage, I had someone so actively pursuing me.  And it was better than things with the gnome were, so I assumed it would be a healthy dynamic after four years of abuse.  Well, that was wrong.

However, I've taken time to look at what a healthy dynamic does look like.  To know what basic respect is, and found people who do believe in returning it when I give it.  Who may not shower me with praise, but speak it when it's necessary, and celebrate my flaws as being a part of me, rather than trying to throw shame at anything they don't agree with.

I no longer tolerate anyone who makes a pass at me without spending time with me as friends first.  People that instantly fall for me make me want to run, rather than feel endeared.  I've got a lot of things about me that so many people could never deal with, or that they want to acknowledge.

If people want to be in my life an important to me, they need to take the time to make that space.  Let's learn each other, and build something organic and fun.

Thursday, October 06, 2016

A Difficult List

There was this thing on social media lately, where people are supposed to choose three fictional characters that they relate to/explain who they are.  A ton of people were posting it all around, and while I wanted to see what people thought of, I couldn't think of a list for myself.  I am in general someone who is very much only myself.  I'm weird, and proud of it, and it makes it hard for me to be really similar to anyone.

I posted it anyway, wondering what people would respond with.

One person posted a purple minion.  Yea, thanks asshat.  While that may have been a joke once, it actually doesn't relate to who I am at all.  Glad to hear that you have no idea about me.

Someone else said Karen Murphy from Dresden Files.  Which, while I wouldn't normally make that correlation, I do find a ton of similarities when I think about it.  I enjoy this comparison, for several reasons, and as such, I will put her on my list.

Well, then I kept thinking.  Three characters that make up me.  There's too many surface foils that seem like me, and have nothing to do with me over all.  After a few days though, of passing thoughts, I've made up my own list.

Karen Murphy
Eikichi Onizuka

Three characters, that when you take their most prevalent traits, you get me.  Someone intelligent, witty, devious, and highly sociopathic.  Someone small, stubborn, protective, and far stronger than anyone would ever give them credit for.  And someone who is just off enough that everyone sees them as a problem at first, but is simply being themselves, without censoring that for the comfort of conformity, and trying to be a good person in the process.

Yea.  That's me.  That right there.

Sunday, October 02, 2016


I've been trying to have more time talking to both Kitty and Lux.  Regular chats with Kitty have been helping a ton, and have had a very positive impact on my mood.  Lux has been stressed though, and even though we recently saw each other when we went camping, we got very little time to relax together.

And that's what I want.

I want time to just curl up and relax with someone.  Time when we're not running around trying to get stuff done, and I can actually have physical contact and comfort.

It's been a couple months since it's happened at this point, and it's definitely affecting me.  

Things like this cause me to be cranky more easily, and I lose my place in thought, or just feel off.  

While there's possible time I'll be spending with both boys in the next month, I don't know about either of them definitely yet, and it makes me feel worse in a way.  Because at this point, I've more or less learned not to expect the happier option for myself, but simply be disappointed from the start, which is part of why just presence and the smaller things do make me so happy.

Hopefully though, I'll find out soon, and get to plan for time with lots of snuggles and time enjoying important people.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Busy Hands

Now that the summer is done, and I'm no longer prepping for a ton of different large events, I'm back to wanting to dive into a ton of creative projects.

I'm knee deep in crochet, both with a massive project started, and a ton of ideas for things I want to make.  Those alone will likely keep me busy for a while.  They'll be super cute, and the people they're going to should love them.

I have been wanting to try a ton of new recipes, both on random impulse things that look tasty, and ideas for the beast's breakfasts and such.  We're also still testing out timing for things on the new stove since swapping over to gas, which means needing to use Rosh Hashanah as an excuse for experiments.  So far nothing has gone too oddly though.

Even though I already do a ton of different things, I want to try making a quilt for the first time.  It doesn't seem like it should take too long to do if I pick something simple for a pattern, and this time of year is the best time for fabric hunting (perks to being a forever a 90's goth).  It will be fun to try it out.

On top of it all, I've been itching to play with chain, but I don't have anything in mind, and I'm really low on rings.  Until I have something definite I want to make, I have enough on my plate.

My hands might die, but they'll make awesome things in the process.

Sunday, September 25, 2016


This is going to be a dancey rant.  Because it needs to happen.  Consider yourself warned.

Over the faire I worked at, I spent time with some of the dancers I've known for just about my entire time doing belly dance.  They've always been very chill, and decent people, but as dancers, they are incredibly frustrating.

Everything from costuming, to makeup, to their dancing itself, and attitude towards it is a project for me to be around.  They have this sort of half assed attempt at education in regards to tribal belly dance that leads them to having barely decent costumes (that they don't even know what they're actually wearing) giant swirls on their face that they think are traditional harquus (normally small dots and simple lines), and a level of proficiency in dance that is just enough to where if they actually practiced with how they've been taught, they're likely to injure themselves.

The point of tribal belly dance is to use a series of moves with other dancers in an improvised format.  It focuses on specific muscle isolation work, rather than trying to tell the entire body to do a move.  There's a lot of things you can do in tribal that you can't do in other dancer formats, just because of how it is done comparatively.

They however, have been recycling the same choreographed sets for years upon years, without any real knowledge of tribal improv moves.  To the point where they flaunt how quickly they learned certain choreographies, which really only involve a handful of moves repeated over and again.  And because of the way they do the moves, it looks like they're trying to tell their body how to move, and it's being forced.  They wind up looking sloppy because of it, and the crowd can tell.

On that note, this year was the first time I'd done a full performance with a prop.  I used it alongside my set, in a way that accented things I would be doing otherwise, providing visible challenge, and kept me dancing in an interesting way.  Any props they brought out turned into crutches.  They looked like they were arguing with them, and it kept them from doing any other moves.

On the few occasions that dancers were trying to figure things out, or I was really familiar with their music and wanted to help explain how to do what they wanted safely, or add moves that would be more fitting, they sort of shooed me away as though they already had mastery of all things dance.

Now, apparently this isn't the case for them, but if anyone offers to show me a new move, I'm gonna hop on it.  Even if I don't use it that day, I'm going to want it in my vocabulary for the future.

It's like seeing these levels of being a dancer.  Most people give up learning when they're at the point where they can go on stage, and stagnate from there.  They create more bad habits, and never feel like they need to fix them, because they already went through and learned once.

Then there are the dancers who are always learning, and always want to learn.  They move out of their comfort zone, keep trying to improve, and feel drawn toward new things.  And even though they may always be a student, they're often far better dancers than the people who quit trying to learn.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Shy on Snuggles

Last weekend was a faire I was dancing at, and Lux went to fight and see friends.  It was also a really long week prior to.  Lux will be travelling far away for work in a month, and things with his family were a bit stressful, as well as things at home being difficult for me.

We both have somewhat different circles at this faire.  Where Lux is good friends with all the fighters, I've become friends with the other dancers, vendors and performers over time, so we wind up doing very different things during the day.  This resulted in both of us having a very different days, that were less relaxing than we'd expected them to be.

Lux saw a lot of his old partners, and there is a ton of things going on with all of them, Most of which were either creating stress in their lives, or frustrating for him.  And after they'd all expressed interest in playing, they all bailed.  Had I not been so busy as well during the day (with things I intend to write about later) I would have made sure to spend more time with him, and knowing more of what was going on, as it was happening.

As is, we got in very little time together, and no time just for snuggles itself.  Even while talking to a friend of ours, we admitted that we won't have any time together that isn't at an event until the winter, which kind of sucks, because we could both use that time to just relax.

It was the kind of weekend where even though we were both doing things we enjoy, it wasn't relaxing, and didn't give us that happy time together we normally get.

Hopefully we get it before he leaves, because I sure could use some more snuggles with cute boys.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Keeping Up

I had that talk with Kitty a while back.  One that honestly had me worried if it would have any effect.

Much to my happy surprise though, even throughout camp he kept up some level of communication, which I didn't expect at all given how busy he would be.  It continued past then, and we finally got time to have a long video call.

We also talked about keeping up with them while he's not in an office, and even after.  With the beast in school, lunch dates are seeming like a plan to become a regular thing, and I can't wait.

Apparently, he had been aware of his lacking in contact, and was planning on saying something when he got back from camp.  I just got to it first.

We're also talking about possibly seeing each other again soon, which I'm really looking forward to.

A little while ago, I was feeling so incredibly frustrated with him, to the point where if it was anyone else, I would get rid of them without a second thought.  With how he's responded though, and has actively been making an effort, it's that little bit that makes me super happy.

Maybe sometimes I'm a little too loyal and stubborn, but he's honestly worth every minute.

Between trying to build more with Kitty, and helping be present with Lux as life is creating a lot of stress for him, I have a lot to balance.  I feel like I can't possibly do enough for them lately.

Thursday, September 15, 2016


I have been insane over the last two weeks.

Things are picking up again, and honestly, after the lull after Pennsic, it feels good.

The beast is back, and she's started school again.  That's both something that gives me time to get things done, and removes time because it enforces a schedule on me that much more heavily.  She's also been trying to avoid doing what I need her to lately, with the other people in the house letting her get away with too much, which will need to change as the school year gets going.

I've taken on a few new projects that I can't wait to finish.  I think they're all going to look fantastic.  They are all of course also very time consuming.

With the beast back in school, I have no excuse not to get more serious about working out again.  I started slacking off too much after Pennsic, and need to dive back in head first.  Hopefully that will help me feel a lot better again.

And on that note, Lux and I are going to be at a faire this weekend, which meant all the packing to camp and prep work that comes with it, as well as putting together a set, with a lot of new things.  I'm really looking forward to it, and want to really show how much work and love I put into my dance than the recycled set everyone else has used over the last forever.

Things are hectic, but all working toward good things.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

With Great Power

I've had to speak about my pain tolerance to people a lot lately.  Either explaining it to people, or others discovering it, and talking about all the little ins and outs of being able to take a beating like I can.

When I first tell people how high my pain tolerance is, they usually wind up asking first if I have to be careful of permanent damage before my brain tells me something is hurting.  They just think that I go from zero to broken bones.

And, I mean, for some people, the amount that I take and shrug off may honestly be enough to do near permanent damage to others

I do a lot of listening to my body though.  Whether it's pain, or just little changes in my system.  I know when I ovulate, and can usually tell exactly when my period will start well before it does.  I know early on when I'm dehydrated, and what my body needs to run properly.  I pay very close attention to when my body is telling me something is wrong, and when something is just an irritation.  And, for me, that's an incredibly important responsibility.

I have to pay very close attention to what my body tells me when it comes to pain.  I do ride that line between something I can take, and something that will cause damage sometimes, and while that is very important for the top to know where that fun spot is, it's more important for me.  I'm the one feeling it, and can communicate in case adjustments need to be made.  I need to be aware of when pain goes from being fun, to releasing endorphins, to being a potential issue.

And I know that I'm a lot physically tougher than most people.  Not only does it take a lot for me to feel something as pain, but I can take pain a whole lot longer than most people probably could.  So I need to be constantly gauging things while attempting to enjoy what's going on.  It's quite a bit of mental work to be able to bottom when you have this high a pain tolerance.

It's probably why I rarely space.  It takes a while, and I need to trust the person I'm with.  I keep the snarky, bratty part of my brain awake so I can make sure communication is possible, and when I do speak up with an issue, it is obviously something that needs to be addressed.

So, yes, I can take a lot more than most people, but it's a lot more work than just absorbing someone wailing on me.

Thursday, September 08, 2016


One day last week was particularly draining for me, though it had a lot of good come from it.

Lux and I wound up talking through a bunch of stuff, and at the same time, I was feeling very frustrated with Kitty.  Over the summer, there were countless times when we'd planned to talk, and I'd sat waiting to hear from him, or even though I would send him regular messages trying to keep up communication, I had only got a small scattering of responses, usually with no actual information about his goings on.

It had me feeling such a mix of bad things.  I felt ignored, and like he was taking advantage of how loyal he knows I am.  I felt like he was just leaving me aside as he tried to balance his other partners, that I could simply be dropped while he tended to them.  It felt like even after I spoke up from my visit, I was just hearing less and less from him.  Like he was leaving again, but more slowly this time.

I had planned to bring it up to him after camp.  He had enough on his plate with travel and such, so I was going to wait another week.

Except I didn't.  It was bothering me for a while already, and I didn't want to wait any longer.  So I sent him a long message explaining it as clearly as I could, while still letting him know that I'm still very much there.  A few hours later he finally read it, and began a long apology.

Mind you, I had already spent a couple hours talking to Lux because I had written something in a way that was interpreted differently than my intention, and we spent a while talking things out to smooth it all out again, and that left me wanting to snuggle him up, and feeling drained that he was so far away.

And then Kitty started.  Telling me I was right to feel ignored, and that he wasn't pulling his side.  That he was being a bad partner, and that he still cared, and how he wants to find the time for me, and create more balance.

That too made me want to just walk up and hug him.  To tell him how important he is to me, and that I know he cares, and that's why I keep giving him the kicks in the ass about it.  It made me mentally spent to have these conversations, even if they ended well, to not be able to hug them, and see that they were ok.

And Kitty continued to apologize and keep contact throughout the week.  Even through camp he sent messages once in a while.  Telling me he was still processing things.  I think this one hit hard after he had a partner dump him over the same issue.  He drove home how important I am to him, and that he needs to do a better job showing his love for me.

Even positive relationships that have gone on for a long time need attention sometimes.  And sometimes it causes panic, but so long as something is done, there is a path to improve into something even better.

Sunday, September 04, 2016

True Progress

I had a really interesting moment while at Pennsic, and walking away from it, I felt really happy, and proud of myself.

One day, in between classes I had a couple free hours.  Instead of walking back to camp and getting comfy only to have to go back, I decided to use that time to look around the vendors for a new mug, as mine was old and dead.  While walking by, I was stopped by an artist whom I had met a Flea.  He called me over, trying to pull schpeel about his product, of which I was fairly uninterested.  I tried to make conversation at a casual level, but he kept pushing product down my throat, which is probably the worst way to get me to buy something.  Even when I tried to talk art with him, stating that I'd put together a coloring book earlier this year, and loved doing anatomy drawings, he just tried to say that I needed some of his drawings.

Alright, so this guy didn't even see people as people, but only a wallet.  Got it.

And at one point, he says "You know, I could draw you, in the outfit you're in right now, with six pack abs, dancing beautifully.  Or without the outfit, and just the jewelry."

I turned him down, needless to say.  I don't think that he realized that I was in clothing just to be gross dancing in during classes, so I had no desire to record myself dressed that way.  And of course, he was just trying to create his own fap material out of it.

And then, it bothered me.  Why did he have to change my stomach?  The one thing that I literally will never be able to change without surgery, because I will always have the extra skin and stretch marks from pregnancy.  Even though my abs are strong, and feel firm, you can't see it due to the extra skin.  It bothers me almost every day, and makes me want to curl up and hide.

But then, I thought a bit more about it as I looked at his drawings.  They weren't realistic.  They were all these cartoony hyper ideal shapes.  He probably had no idea how to draw my actual shape.  And, if he were to change it, and move it into his style, he's no longer drawing me.  He's drawing another cookie cutter set of tits for people to drool on, and awe at who don't know better.  He offered that because he didn't want to grow himself as an artist, but stick to the same thing he's drawn time and again.

And so, I felt myself happy with who I am.  Someone that published artists don't feel comfortable drawing, someone unrecordable due who I am.  And someone who understands more about art and drawing than he ever will.

These little moments.  These are where we grow.

Thursday, September 01, 2016


One of the happiest things about Pennsic this year was how much I saw Lux growing, and taking steps to move forward from many things.

He wants to be acknowledged as a fighter, and move forward in his knowledge and skill in the SCA, instead of just being a stickjock.  This will likely lead to us making and researching a ton of fun and interesting things in the future, and my helping him to be seen more as an incredibly competent fighter.

Which, he managed to not only fight on the field, but enter other tournaments as well.  He tried the Tuchux tournament, and loved every moment of getting to grapple, and wrestle, and fight dirty compared to normal SCA rules.  He just pouted because he couldn't punch them.  Poor sadist.

At the play party we went to, he was far more comfortable, actually said he wants to try doing more public play in the future.  He was also far more acknowledging of our power exchange as a whole, and seemed way more interested in beating me up.  All things that show way more progress compared to how he has been in the last while, and I'm looking forward to being present and helping him through all of this, and just being supportive through the process.

For the longest time Lux was against being a bondage bottom.  He'd done some rope self tying for the sake of learning, but that was all.  However, when Murphy and his apprentice showed interest in putting him in the air, Lux said he would try it.  The lack of scene vibe, and the fact that it was just a silly dopey thing being done with some of the best professionals out there, made him far more comfortable with it, and he loved every minute.  He's now looking forward to doing it again, and I made jokes which I'm not allowed to repeat again or I've been told he won't hit me anymore.

Y'know, that looks really strange compared to normal vanilla context.  Well then.

He also has interest in spinning some fire to add to his normal weapons training, or to go along with his style in play already.  And he seems more comfortable with the idea of DO events.  He's making so many strides lately, and I'm so proud of him.  And no, I'm not expecting all of these to stick, but I'm gonna be right there next to him through all of it, no matter what comes from it, just proud to see him not hiding from things he knows he enjoys.

Sunday, August 28, 2016


While at Pennsic, Lux and I had to have lots of talks about the other people we were looking at doing things with.

Now, generally we're pretty chill about other partners happening, just keeping reminders to be careful, and discussing the possible happenings with any of them.  When we need to put our foot down on someone, it's usually because they're having a serious negative effect, or may be harmful to the other.

So, I had a very short, not real beating from a friend of ours the night we got on site.  That, and the time being tied by Murphy were totally cool with Lux, not only because we know how incredibly safe they are, but because he was present for the majority of it.

He did however, feel nervous about the fire spinner that is super pretty.  He knows I can handle myself if shit goes down, but didn't know exactly what to expect that I had wanted (literally just to touch his butt, and not sex) because he usually goes right to wanting to fuck.  Even when I reminded him that he's a burner, and works a faire that I'm friends with half the performers of, he still felt nervous, only because he didn't know him that well.  We wound up hanging out one night and becoming better friends, Which I think made him more comfortable with the idea, but still, nervous.  Nothing wound up happening though, so more time to continue building a friendship, and maybe the next time I see him, I will get a handful of butt.

At the same time, Lux was interested in our friend's ex.  They texted constantly through the week, and spent almost every night with us, except when we were down with Murphy.  At the same time, she almost refused to say a word to me, and when I would try to have a conversation with her, she'd almost talk past me, instead of to me.  It reminded me a lot of how Thrax was with his current girlfriend back when he and I were still dating.  One night, they wound up making out when he walked her back to camp.  When he came back, while I was half asleep, and Lux was tired too, I tried to tell him that I wasn't comfortable with him doing anything with her because our friend had said she was a bit irrationally insane through the last while of things.  I didn't want to endanger Lux with that, because he tends to be fucked up even with casual partners when they cause problems, and the way she was treating me was pretty much laying groundwork for that to happen already.

Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much you talk about things beforehand, there are still bumps in the moment.  At least we make sure to talk everything out, so that small bump doesn't become a massive obstacle.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Putting in Time

I had a lot more time put into rope over Pennsic.  I watched a lot of different people get tied who reacted very differently, and definitely learned quite a bit more about my preferences in rope itself.

I also got to see Lux get suspended.  In a yurt.

For those of you not aware, Lux is a big brick wall of man who is over 300lbs.  And he went into the air, and got inverted and loved every minute.  It was super cool to watch, and is now the source of a lot of silliness and jokes and plans, but more on that later.

However, I learned that I enjoy the challenge of rope.  I like feeling that pressure, and thinking to myself that I'm on a ride, and need to muscle through.  I absolutely prefer not being able to move, rather than a freedom of movement, and having to be careful of it.  That adventure of being put into place, and not knowing which way I'll be turned or twisted is fun, and makes for a super interesting ride with the top.

I still don't space, or zen.  I keep a very clear head, and feel pretty much normal the entire time.

And, in a very safe sort of fashion, as the week went on, Murphy and I continually got more involved with our ties.  What started as a simple suspension, pushed me into more bendy things, or finally things that put my entire body hanging from one small point.  I find that the more challenging things are way more fun, and we both like seeing where that next step is.  It has me legitimately looking forward to rope, and that's super cool.

I kind of like the fact that I don't space in rope.  I can communicate more, and it leads to dopey singalongs and wiggle parties.  That is way better than just zoning.

Sunday, August 21, 2016


On the ride out to Pennsic, I apparently brought on what was the best rant from Lux ever.

See, the fire spinner than I thought was super pretty last year?  Well, he and I started talking, and becoming friends, and I totally had plans to hang out with him and wanted to touch his butt.  Well, because Lux is bad with names, instead of calling him by his name, I simply referred to him as "cute boy".

Well, apparently this was confusing for him, and struck a nerve.  The most adorable nerve ever.

He went off.  About how for the longest time he was the cute boy, and how sometimes I say Kitty is cute, and he deals with that.  But that I've been saying I've been making plans with a cute boy, and talking about something with a cute boy, and he knows I don't mean him, and probably don't mean Kitty, and so which boy is cute boy in these situations.

It went on for about ten minutes, and the entire time I giggled, feeling badly for making him feel less like he is the cute boy in my life, but finding it adorable that he would go on a rant about such a thing.

It was the first time he's had a response like "This is my place in your life, and I don't like feeling like other people are stepping in on it" even though I know a lot of it was just wanting to more easily follow what was going on.

But just the way he would say "I'm cute boy damn it!" made me smile, and want to snuggle him up on the ride out.

I do in fact have the cutest of boys.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

A Very Different Trip

I'm home from Pennsic, and this year was really fantastic.  Lux and I had a much better time than last year, and I felt far more comfortable over all.  Things moved a lot more smoothly, and it was a load of fun.

My class went well, and I got in a lot of other solid classes.  Only one was a little disappointing, but the rest were all super fun and I picked up a few cute new things.  Unfortunately, we didn't spend anywhere near as much time at parties this year, so straight up dancing time was a lot lower than last year, but we still had fun nonetheless.

The weather kicked everyone's ass.  It was so hot and humid that they were cancelling the heavy battles, and people were dropping left and right.  Most afternoons Lux and I would just lay next to each other, wanting to show affection, but avoiding contact.  The phrase "Don't touch me" became a joke for a few days, due to how gross it was.  With the exception of the first night, when we were clinging to each other for warmth, we were sleeping with the least layers possible, because even at night it felt disgusting.

I never felt super sore from all the walking and dancing this year.  I feel like this is partially due to the amount of dancing I've been doing from home, and because of the lesser amount of parties.  Either way, it makes me happy.

My beating from a friend got cut short, but he never actually used enough force for me to feel it.  I was regularly glancing at Lux during it, and making faces, wondering quietly when he would start actually trying to put some work into it.  Lux at one point during the week, before getting ready to go out for the evening, even though I'm sweaty and a wuss at the time, just tried to get wrap shots on the same spot until I acknowledged it hurting.  It only barely sucked, and I wish it had been more of a beating, but still way more than what our friend did.

What I did get a bunch of time in with though, was rope.  Murphy Blue asked people to help him train for the next couple months, and I answered the call.  As such, I spent a lot of time up in the air, and doing all sorts of neat things.  We talked a lot, and started becoming friends, and before the end of the week, Lux went up in the air in the yurt as well, which was the coolest ever!

Overall, this week was awesome, and I can't wait to write more about it.

Sunday, August 14, 2016


This should be the last post prepped up before Pennsic.  You get fresh new stuff soon hopefully.

And, speaking of which, this one is looking super busy for me, despite my previous entries!

I've got eleven hours of dance classes across three days, a big dance show, and a munch to attend.  Parties at night, and lots of people I want to find time with.

I want to find time to walk the camp and take pictures to show everyone.

And now, my friend Ogre and Lux both want playtime with me, and are determined to beat me up.  Which, I'm certainly not going to complain about if it happens.  I'm looking forward to actually getting in play time again.  It should be really fun, and while it might be a project to cover the marks, I'll make due.

I've also been talking to the cute boy from last year, and I'm pretty determined to touch butts.  I am however terrible at showing attraction toward someone until I develop enough mutual comfort with them to just be awkward and dopey while groping on them.  This will be an adventure!

On top of it all, I want to get in as much time as I can relaxing with Lux, and enjoying time with him to make sure he has a good time there.  Taking care of him is kinda my job after all, even if he says it isn't.

Soon, I'll start posting about all the things I did do while gone though, so we'll see how much of it actually happens.

Thursday, August 11, 2016


I often feel like I'm cheating, or losing out on big adventures, because I very rarely do things with a lot of expectation.  It's probably a bit due to everything in the past, but as time has gone on, I've just stopped making a lot of expectations in regards to anything, because more often than not, I'm met with disappointment.

For the last while, I've been getting messages, or hearing from Lux that he wants to make something of his Pennsic.  He wants to do this, or that, or focus on this for the week.  Like he has this mountain of fantasies to pack into our trip.

And while I'm planning on attending a lot of classes, I know they're all feasible to me.  So long as it isn't too hot, I'll be tired at the end of the week, but they just depend on me taking a short walk every day.  I'd like to walk the grounds and take pictures one afternoon when I get the time, but again, that's just dependent on me finding time to mosey about around everything else going on.

I don't expect to have play time anymore though.  I don't expect these magical happenings, or anything anything else to go on.  I don't look at it with any focus.

I'm there to take in whatever is offered.  I'll contribute every bit of energy I can to what is there, and enjoy what happens organically.  I would rather find my own fun and be happy with that than go somewhere wishing for a handful of things to happen, and finding failure in their lacking despite everything else going on.

By being present, I lose the disappointment of expectation, and while it's been learned through the worst of means, it certainly isn't a bad thing to live by.

Sunday, August 07, 2016


On my birthday, Lux handed me two bags of fabric.  See, he needed a ton of new tunics that actually fit his arms, and he didn't make any.  That left me with two weeks to make him tunics to wear for a week.

Luckily, I did most of my personal packing well beforehand.  He questioned it when I did it.  I'm sure he's happy now.

And my brother came to visit.

Which means that with the beast home, and my brother visiting, I had to sew eleven tunics, most of which is from fabric he ordered and had mailed to me after he handed me the initial bags.

Needless to say, I was running around like a headless chicken, knowing I would get it all done, but still worried that I might not have the time to get it all done.  But he'll be comfortable, and feel much better in things that fit him properly.  And in turn, I get to feel accomplished in knowing that he enjoys everything I've made for him.

There's service in everything, and just that makes me happy.

I'm really hoping we can build a far better Pennsic for each other this year, even if the time leading up to it is a clusterfuck.

Thursday, August 04, 2016

Checking Foundations

Lux had kind of a hard time on his birthday at a few points.  A couple of his exes decided to message him, and then started conversations, and by the next day, it was getting to him.

 We talked about how he wants to be able to just let things happen, and not feel paranoid or territorial, and how staying quiet just doesn't work.  How acknowledging things, and keeping up with that transparency of feelings will do a world more good, and probably keep issues to a minimum, or remove them over time.  We talked about how he hates to feel like he's just an extra person who sometimes gets noticed, and while he doesn't mind being his partners having other people, he needs to feel like he's a priority in things, rather than just an occasional convenience.

I told him about how I know he's very aware that I'm never going anywhere, and am not going to magically change and ignore him, there's still a part of his brain that is paranoid about it because of his past partners, and that I make sure to do my best to balance him in things, not because he is an obligation, but because I never want to be that shitty partner.

I assured him that he's not the pain in the ass he thinks he is.  That needing regular care and attention and honesty doesn't make him a bad partner.  That this is kind of something I enjoy and try to do with my partners regularly.

He then brought up the idea of play at Pennsic, and how I felt about it.  About having other partners, or things happening, or public play, or whatever.  How he didn't want me to feel ignored in any of it.

And, these are things that we've talked about several times before.  We check in with each other pretty often if we know we're going to do something with someone new, or if we feel any bad vibes with a situation.  Again, that open honesty that creates trust and sometimes removes issues.  I made sure to tell him that if in the rare chance I wanted to do anything with anyone new, I would continue to get permission from him first, and reminded him that the only person I might awkwardly try anything with is the fire spinner who I found online after last year (I wanna touch the butt!).

We tried to discuss how we felt about one night stand type things, and agreed we weren't terribly fond of it.  That we may have an unspoken rule of hanging out first to get a vibe, and negotiations and that happy crap out of the way, especially before sneaking them into camp, and kicking them out afterward.

Sometimes, those awkward difficult times lead to strengthening foundations elsewhere.  I'm glad we talked about those things, and I hope I gave him peace of mind before we adventure together.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

For Me

A couple weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my mother.  About how I tend to not really wear perfumes, because Lux has no sense of smell, and I don't really care for them.  That I don't make any decisions on my appearance for how other people feel about them, but for me.

My mother scoffed at it, and responded as though that made me an asshole.  

Mind you, I very rarely look like a shlub.  I'm always clean, and groomed, and like to keep up with myself, as well as wear clean clothing.

But I wouldn't make anywhere near the decisions about my appearance that I do if I was so worried about other people.  I wouldn't dress anywhere near the same, because as is, I am constantly stared at, put down, and treated like I'm a freak.  I would just be trying to fit in to fashion, and have no sense of self expression, too afraid to do something outside of what society deems as appropriate.

I wouldn't have my tattoos, or piercings, or wear the jewelry I make.

And I wouldn't be me anymore.

I love the fact that I'm weird.  I love that I think outside of the box.  I love that I have a very particular brand of style that is so distinctly me.  

And yes, sometimes I do want to look better than others.  Sometimes I want pick something that someone else likes as well, but it's always something I like, and something that I feel like me in.

I'm not for everyone, and I don't want to be.  I want to be what can only be seen as, or identified as me.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Silly Sadism

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that Lux commented that he had no way to really threaten me, or assert dominance over me.  That is was nice in a way, that he knew all submission was purely because he had been a safe and supportive enough domly dom to earn it, but sometimes he wants reinforce that he's in charge.

Just, keep that post in mind.  It'll come back, I promise.

Last weekend Lux came to visit for both our birthdays, and to drop off fabric for me to make him some things, and see his parents before Pennsic.  Oh, and show off his new swanky truck.

We went to dinner, and an arcade afterward where we were super silly, then got ice cream.  Afterward, we came back to the house, and snuggled up for a while.

Then he snuggled half his weight on me, and I went to grope on his arms.  Which, for those of you who don't know, are giant, and with him working out lately, have gotten very defined, and super pretty.  I often nom on them, sometimes to show affection as a whole, and sometimes just because his arms look particularly pretty.

He trapped my arms under him, then started flexing, and I couldn't nom on his arms.  And I pouted the biggest pout I could muster, and he kept doing it a few times before letting me go so I could nom on him and then snuggle in.

Then he joked about how this is what is required for him to be a sadist.  Just to keep me from nomming on him.

We have the weirdest power exchange.  And it's the best.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

One Sided Switch

While Pyre, Panda, and I were talking last weekend, Pyre brought up that a guy had given her a foot rub at Fusion last year because he feet were so fried.  At Summerfest, he expressed desire to submit to her, and all that jazz.

And her reaction was that she doesn't really like to top or dominate guys.  Panda agreed that even though she's primarily a bottom and a submissive herself, she felt the same.

I didn't agree, saying that the vast majority of the time, I lean toward topping or being the domly person in a play situation.

Sometimes, I feel like that view on things is kind of a cop out.  It sort of just runs on physical appearance and standard gender ideas when switches choose what side they'll take just by the gender of the other person.

It means Pyre will never really fight back with Kitty (even though she is a brat to him, as we all are and should be) or feel like she wants power over him just because he's a boy.  That's so weird.  It's just so black and white that it feels kind of wrong to me.  And it's such a common view.

I wonder if it's that women don't feel confident in their ability to express dominance.  That they need physical presence in order to gain power, and that is so very rarely the case.  Sure, Lux is a brick wall and way bigger than me, but that just makes him better to snuggle on, rather than giving him the ability to be domly.  I've had submissives who were guys, and girls, and they were all generally taller than me.

There's got to be some sort of reason for it.

Thursday, July 21, 2016


So, Pyre and her wife crashed over this weekend before going on their mini tour.  Kitty was of course super happy that we were hanging out, and I was helping the people he cares about.  At the same time, he was a little worried.

See, I might not be considered the best influence for the behavior of others.  I never endanger people, or pressure them into things that would be seen as harmful, or damaging.  I however, put bugs in their heads to say things that might not be the most appropriate, or would be more entertaining to everyone.  This has a tendency to get Pyre in trouble with Kitty, which I am remarkably ok with.

He also apparently barely talks about everything that's happened to him before moving to DC.  He only mentioned me before I really actively came back into his life seriously, and so there is a massive chunk of his life that he either doesn't remember, or doesn't mention.

And then along comes a good partner like me, who fills in some of those holes.  Sometimes this worries him, and sometimes it terrifies him, but I try to keep it from really making him look like a bad person.

Anyway, so they came up, and I fed them lots of food, and we joked about, and teased him from the long distance, and giggled, and hung out, and it was a load of fun.  I think this is the first partner of his that I've really approved of, which is made funny because she filled a very similar role to me while I was less present.

Pyre approves of me beating up her wife, which is cool, and they are both super excited about having me on eventually to perform with them, which would be amazing.

I also fed them both Jersey bagels, which they now understand how amazing they are.

There were also a ton of interesting conversations that will likely become blogs to get me through Pennsic soon.  Hooray for plenty of ideas.

Sunday, July 17, 2016


I've been trying to do more to take care of myself lately, especially in order to be in better shape for Pennsic, but also just to feel better over all.

I've decided to do a slow, but complete detox off of caffeine.  I started drinking coffee, and any caffeinated beverage for that matter, only due to the taste, and now having to consume some in the morning because otherwise I will get a horrible headache is no fun.  I want to be able to make that choice, not for it to be mandatory.  So right now I'm limiting myself to one cup a day, and still not drinking any soda, and very reluctantly not diving into my jar of chocolate espresso beans.  I'm finding that the mornings are a little easier for me, and I'm taking less time to feel awake.

Even with the vast amount of birthdays and things going on this month, I'm trying to watch how much, and what I eat more closely.  That's not very easy here, where my parents basically live on meat and carbs, and I'm constantly pestering them for fruits and veggies, but I'm doing what I can.

I'm also pushing myself more to work out regularly, and not make excuses.  I'm doing regular dancing cardio days, as well as more advanced yoga which does a lot of bodyweight exercise, and keeps me moving as well.  I'm pretty sure that I'm putting on muscle, rather than losing fat, and it's having a strange effect on my body a whole.  For the first time in my life I have a legitimate butt gap in the back of my jeans, and while it's a bit annoying because my clothes fit oddly, it's making me look a lot  curvier overall, and I'm certain that no boy is going to complain about me having a bigger butt with my waist being the same size or smaller.

I'm pretty busy right now between everything, but it's no excuse not to take care of myself.