Sunday, January 31, 2016


When I was planning on Kitty to be here last weekend, and during my hunt for an adventure next month with he and Lux, I started just poking through different events in the area.  Looking at all the options available to find something fun.

And, I found a lot of weird play events in this area.  One with such odd rules and pricing structures, it completely turned me off to them.

Things like only allowing men to have "bisexual" play and sex in one room, as if their gay might start catching through the rest of the venue.  And means that any play can't possibly happen without sex being involved, or that any boy touching another boy in any fashion must mean they're gay.

But, that doesn't count for girls.  Girls can grab boobs and beat up other girls wherever they want.

Because, that's fair.

And the pricing got me even more pissed.

Single girls were free.
Single men weren't allowed, even if an escort for a girl.
Any couples had to be listed as being so on fet, where they vetted attendees before inviting them, which would essentially mean I couldn't go with either Kitty or Lux.  And there was different pricing for couples intending to play with others, or only together.

Reading this, and finding out it was the normal in a lot of events had me pissed.  It's so disrespectful to everyone as a whole.

I mean, I understand doing discounted tickets for couples at events.  Usually people will bring a partner, and if you further provide discounts from there, it includes poly structures to attend together.  However, for people like me, who see plastering partners all over social media as a bit of a joke, forcing people to be "fetlife official" in order to bring a partner is ridiculous. 

Everyone is equal, and trying to push events sexually into whatever the mainstream finds more attractive, and worse, pushing what might be seen as unattractive aside where it is "acknowledged" but in a way where it can't be seen is terrible.

Treat people like people.  Sure, it might be convenient to me to be able to walk into a lot of places for free or damn near it, but I'll take inconvenience to see everyone on equal footing.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Cabin Fever

So, there's a lot of snow on the ground.  Somewhere near two feet of snow is everywhere, and the roads still aren't clean.

Last week, after doing all manner of planning and being excited, Kitty felt safest cancelling our weekend together due to the snow.  His little hybrid just can't move itself on any snow and ice, and so he didn't want to risk the trip. 

Squishy also wound up staying home, because the gnome didn't want her snowed in up there.

So it's been me, my parents, and squishy, and now all I want is time away from them.  Mind you, I do feel very lonely at the same time though.  All weekend, despite spending hours on the phone with Kitty, all I wanted was to snuggle up him or Lux and relax with them.  Sometimes, this distance thing is a pain in the ass.

Kitty and I were fairly affectionate all weekend though, and there were many moments when we expressed just how important we are to the other's lives.  It's the kind of affection we both needed, and makes a helpful reminder sometimes, even if not the affection either of us wanted.

Now, I need to find out what the plan is for Flea.  I need an answer from Lux about if he wants to go or not, then discuss with Kitty if he and I still want to, and if not, we find alternative adventures.  While part of me does want to kick Lux in the ass and encourage him to go, a year break might do him good to remove those negative thoughts and focus in on what he enjoys about the event again.

Yea, that might do us good.  To find something else this year for fun mischief, and then get back to it with a fresh mind at a later date.

Sunday, January 24, 2016


So, I'm unfortunately not with Kitty right now.  More on that later, but instead, an update on the many other things that have happened in the last few weeks.

The beast had her seventh birthday.  She got a ton of presents, and I got to meet the boy she likes from her class, which was adorable.  I hope they become good friends.  The party left me tired, but she had a good time.

I've got two nights a week busy with different stuff now.  One night is for dancing with a good friend Faye, who is in a new relationship and it's adorable.  The other is with one of my wifeys, who is either going to be dancing or bringing games for us to play.  Having two evenings busy every week is a bit of a change for me again, but it's good for me to be social again, and it does help my mindset.

My family is becoming to irrationally toxic toward me that it's slowly creeping into how they view and treat others as well.  They very soon are going to lose everyone around them just with how negative and closed minded they are becoming.

I find myself wanting more time with Lux lately.  Kitty is wonderful, yes.  I in no way am going to turn down any time with him, and care about him just as much, but more often than not, I feel like I want to curl up with Lux and enjoy simple comfort things, even if it's just laying in his lap.

Oh, so I decided this year I'm doing a coloring book!  Just something like twenty pages or so, and I'm not mass publishing.  I'll print about a dozen or so, and make them myself and hand them out to close people that I think would enjoy them.  It should be a fun challenge this year.

So far, this year isn't shaping up too badly.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Not Spinning

Thrax used to constantly refer to people as "spinning plates", which was something I hated.  Any time you compare someone to something mundane and generic, it's showing you don't see them as a complex unique being.  And always when using this, he would say that my plate was "well spun", and use it as an excuse to ignore me, thinking I was perfectly happy being on the backburner, as he spent all his time, money, and energy, attempting to woo toxic girls, despite my speaking up about issues.

He was so concerned with just obtaining people, and then seeing them as taken care of just because they were present.  He would constantly neglect me, thinking I was happy despite my blatently saying otherwise.

People, especially significant important partners, are not spinning plates.  They aren't something you just check in with once in a while, or put work in at the beginning, and then move onto the next.  It creates that cycle of neglect, occasionally looking and caring for half a second before going away again.  That's a cycle of abuse to be honest.  Maybe not super hardcore, but it's a major indication of it.

Consistent, regular care of partners is so important.  Never stop because things are comfortable.  Always ask questions, and show affection, in whatever way you did in the beginning.  Never get complacent, and especially with multiple partners, always be sure to keep a balance with all of them.  Check in regularly, even when things are smooth. 

Once you're going through the motions of a relationship, or if you just follow a routine because to keep your partner quiet, there are far more issues than can taken care of.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Glad to be Lacking

Last year at Flea, Lux and I brought Nessa, and he blames that weekend to be where she wound up moving away from him.  She spent the entire weekend swooning over, and making out with a couple we refer to as our stalkers, and riding the waves of odd new relationship energy that pulls her along with every new person she finds.

And as Lux and I went to get dinner that night, crossing the street in the snow, we discussed her falling victim to NRE so often.  How Lux does find himself enjoying it on occasion, but not as quickly as she.  And how I don't really experience it.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  How I really don't get any sort of shiny feeling with new people.  In fact. It's sort of the opposite.  The longer someone sticks around, the more time I want to invest in them.  The more I've learned, the more I find those faults endearing, because they make that person shine.  That after years, I feel more peace and excitement to see and hug them every single time.

It makes it more difficult for me to find new people to include in my life.  I become so invested in these people who have stood the test of time, and built real bonds that grow stronger every day, that I have trouble bringing in new people, and taking that risk.  And with new partners especially, because a lot of people don't want to build a friendship first.  Then there's all the people who don't want a friendship if it does get to the point of play and sex and it just doesn't mesh right to continue.  It's all so risky, and then there are those people over there who are amazing and I know inside and out and care about me for who I am, and they look shiny to me.

And, I know it's a common trait in sociopaths.  We hold very specific people close, and everyone else is sort of disposable.  I'm more on the functional end of that than most, but it absolutely speaks for me.  The people who have become my people make me happiest, and inspire me and bring me excitement.  New people make me worry, and I want to shrug them off in favor of the ones who stick around.

So, I mean, I get the whole NRE buzz.  It must be a hell of a high.  But in general, I'll stick to my people who get shinier over time, and be a lot happier for it.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Better When

I remember a lot of my posts in my old blog that said that things would be good in a matter of time, I just needed to wait for something to happen.  Then, it would, and I'd still be waiting for something new to happen for things to be better with Thrax.  It was this empty chase, waiting for things to be good, and I stayed along because I'm stubborn, and the sparse days where things were good compared to the normal.

And then, shortly after he and I broke up, I read something about not waiting.  If you have to say that things will be good with a partner when some external thing occurs, you'll always be putting weight on the relationship that everything in life needs to be perfect for things to be happy with your partner.  This constant building towards an ideal just to be able to say you and your partner are doing well.

And dear gods, did that resonate with me.

After the initial honeymoon period, things with Thrax and I were never good.  Waiting for something with work, or a visit, or holidays, or whatever.  I was constantly sacrificing everything possible, to be damn near miserable trying to find that happiness, and getting more and more frequently treated like shit.  It was unhealthy, and abusive, and now that I've had enough time away from that, I'm very aware of it.

So, anyway, I was on the phone with Kitty a few weeks ago, and he was talking about the move.  About how things with he and his partner aren't doing well with all the stress of the move.  Then he said that it had been that way for a few months. 

Around when they moved in together.

And that when Fox (his partner) got back together with their ex, it caused him a ton of issues which causes frequent blowups, and has been a regular problem for him. 

They have only just barely hit the one year mark.  But yet he goes on to say that when things are good, they're really good.  He's saying that maybe four months out of the first year of a relationship have been good, after just getting out of an emotionally abusive dynamic.

And he wants to move somewhere that he's completely alone with them, and totally restart his life again. 

Cue my panic and rage.

I've been thinking on it more and more, about what I read, and how that chase is very apparent here.  And I am so completely worried about him.

He comes to visit next weekend, and we'll be talking a lot about things.  I really don't want to have to give him that reality check, but it's going to have to happen. 

When it comes to both him and Lux, even though we all have serious stress in our lives, how things are with either of them are wonderful.  Life of course affects the way we behave in some manner, but I'm never waiting for things to be better.  Maybe time to do more with them, maybe to see them in better spirits because something has resolved, but I'm never waiting for our dynamics to be ideal due to outside occurrences.  They are fantastic, treat me consistently well, and I could not be happier with them.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

New Things

With the new year comes the chance for change, and so I make a list of things I want to accomplish.

Learn to make biscotti
Spend more time with friends
Read more
Get better at arm balances
Have more playtime with partners
Create a more positive living space
Continue getting into better physical space
Improve mental health

I'm in a bad mental place coming into this year, and it shows.  Here's to doing what I can to make it better in the coming months.

Thursday, January 07, 2016

Beastie Things

The other day, while making dinner, the beast looked at me and said "[Boy] in my class sits behind me everyday because he liiiiiiiiikes me".  And, no lie, how she said it was fucking adorable.  Part of me is still denying that she's grown up enough to acknowledge the existence of any feels, but it's still cute.  She then proceeded to talk about him a ton, which is blantently pointing to her thinking she likes him, because she generally ignores the idea of male friends. 

My mom pointed out then, that at her age one boy in my class was constantly following me around, and probably liked me too.  I told her I never noticed, even though we were friends, and would play/talk every day during school.  She then said that she didn't think that I realized boys and girls were different until I was about ten.

My response was that I never really viewed boys and girls as different things.  Everyone is a people, and so I just treat them that way, which is why I've never had trouble talking to other genders.  It also helped me realize that I tend to get along better with guys, just due to personality differences.  It's probably my sociopathy more than anything, but it isn't hurting anything, so whatever.

Sure, I'm straight, but that's because I'm attracted to more masculine features and personality traits.  But if you put two people in the same room who I can hold a conversation with, I'll talk to them both exactly the same, until I naturally see which one I mesh with better.

The idea of closing yourself into seeing gender as a limiting or defining characteristic is something lost to me, and I don't ever want to learn it.

Sunday, January 03, 2016

As Expected.

Christmas was just the emotional clusterfuck I expected it to be.  My family, despite the reminders through several situations, forgot to get me any gifts.  Now, while I figured this would happen, and don't care much about getting things, I've talked recently on how it feels to be forgotten, and considering that I've been busting my ass to make everything they want happen, to not be a thought is a bit of a kick in the teeth.

And to top it off, the beast noticed.  After opening all her gifts, she looked around at everyone sitting with boxes and bags in front of them, and me with nothing at the table.  She asked why Santa didn't bring me anything, but did for everyone else.  She said that I've been good, and took good care of her, and deserved a mountain of presents, and didn't know why Santa missed me.

And my parents stayed silent, leaving me to explain to my six year old without ruining Santa, that my parents are asshats.

I vented to a lot of people.  Kitty and I talked about how he's wanted to get me away from them for a long ass time.  To make myself feel better, I locked myself away and dug into my scrap yarn stash.  I made a silly Cthulhu plush dressed as Jayne Cobb.

Then, I went on an adventure, to spend a week with Lux.  Far away from them, and spending time with someone that means the world to me.  With lots of plans to see his friends up here, spend time with his coworkers being nerds, and finally seeing Star Wars. 

And of course, lots of sex and silliness.  He's got a bit of a cold, but we're making sure to really enjoy the time we have.  Not in crazy ways, but with simple things.  Home cooked food on a snowy day, and take out and video games while snuggled on the couch.  Those times that don't make for stories, but kill the stress and mean the world.

It's good for me, and him too. 

And soon after, I'll have some more time with Kitty.  Much needed time for him, since his primary will be gone for a month, and I'm sure he'll be needing snuggles and affection.

The wonderful people in my life continue being wonderful, and shitty people become worse than ever.  No one changes, and that can be a good or a bad thing.