Sunday, February 28, 2016


It's been a few months, and after having time with my partners separately and together, I've learned a lot, and figured out many things in regards to how poly balances practically for me.

Distance sucks, and even moreso with two partners.  They're both near the same distance from me, but one north, and the other south.  Which means that spending time with either of them is difficult, and they're both just out of convenient weekend visit range.  It's a lot easier to manage with boys as good as Lux and Kitty though. 

Day to day I miss them both, and find myself wanting time with each of them, for reasons specific to who each one is, because I do get very different things from both of them.  However, I make sure to keep contact with them both, stay on top of what is going on, and support them as much as I possibly can.

Lux texts regularly, but I need to square away phone dates with Kitty, which sometimes is easier said than done.  It's become much easier to give them both attention every day as time goes on though, even if I still make sure they both get as much care as I can give.

Sometimes I feel badly when splitting time with them though.  I only get so many chances to go and see them, and where I was always going up to see Lux, now I need to divvy that out in a way that gives me time with Kitty, but lets Lux know I'm not disappearing at all.  I know they both are happy that I'm with someone safe and caring and trustworthy, but it doesn't stop me from being paranoid.

When I'm around the two of them I can't stop thinking about how cute they are, or how happy they make me just being there.  I do notice myself being a little less affectionate than I normally would be, but I'm sure that will fix itself in time.  I also find that Kitty tries to be somewhat naturally dominant with me, trying to see if he can tell me to do something.  Even with Lux saying he wants a break from play, I'm still not submitting to anyone, and barely listen to Kitty anyway most of the time.  Generally, his attempts are met with a glare, or an amount of bratty attitude that lets him know he isn't getting anywhere.  Usually he says he expects it, but I may need to talk to him soon about laying out exactly where we stand.

I'm still sort of settling into this poly thing, but I couldn't ask for two more amazing boys to learn with.

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Thursday, February 25, 2016


Last weekend was one of those times when the world just gives you something amazing to let all the shit seem a little easier to deal with.  It started with more delay than any of us wanted, but holy fuck, it was fantastic. 

Kitty and Lux got along well, and Fox is better than most of the past partners Kitty has had.  Whenever they were left alone for time to shower or whatever, there would frequently be giggling heard when I was done, or very comfortable and trusting conversation.  Also, within about a half hour of us being all together, Kitty and I both started laughing about the fact that we both have a type, and it becomes incredibly apparent when we have multiple partners in the same place. 

Friday night, we had intended to stay in and play games.  Instead, we stayed in, got pizza and beer, and wound up just talking and being silly.  Lux went to bed around one in the morning, and then Kitty and I snuggled a bit, and we continued talking about a myriad of things.  I explained to them (and reminded Kitty in his case) how I met both boys, and lots of old stories, and finding out that they both know a lot of the same people, and have likely met before!  I got to bed by two that night, snuggling in with Lux in the second bedroom of where we stayed, and having lots of snuggly sex before sleep.

Now, this made me particularly happy, because Lux has been saying he wants space away from  play and power exchange and such due to his stress levels.  However, he initiated some that night, which of course made me appreciate his comfort with me.  It made me realize how much I missed him over the last month and a half, not just from the sex, but because he showed such improvement from where he had been, and even moreso with me snuggled in with him.

We woke up when we normally would, had more sex, and after even more snuggles, decided coffee and getting moving was in order.  We hung out a bit longer, realized the couch was not made to have sex on, and eventually Kitty and Fox made their way downstairs. 

We giggled more, and got ourselves put together for the day's adventures.  I worried a little about showing Kitty affection around both Lux and Fox, which I know was silly now.  Anyway, we ran to grab breakfast, and then took a walk to the room escape puzzle we had gotten tickets for.

Which, by the way, was a blast.  The puzzles were simple, yes, and some I needed to shout common sense answers to, but fun.  We got through the entire thing fairly quickly, but it was still a really fantastic time.  I'd love to find the chance to do another one with just the four of us sometime, or maybe just bring on another friend or two.

From there, we made a long trek to lunch, and then to see Deadpool, which was hilarious, and so worth seeing in imax.  Watching Kitty flail, and laughing with Lux through the entire thing was wonderful.  From there, we took a walk for more beer (which, Kitty remembers the little things about my preferences, and makes me super happy) and back to where we stayed to clean up and plan our evening.  The whole day, Lux and I were being our adorable selves together, and Kitty even told us to stop being so cute.  I found this funny, considering people had said similar things about he and I in the past.

We decided on just ordering food, and staying in again, because we were all kind of wiped from the day.  Lux volunteered to go pick up the food (because both boys are the types to yoink tabs) so he could pay after Kitty had gotten both breakfast and lunch.  So, I used this time to get in some much needed snuggles with Kitty.  We decided to go downstairs (which was a sort of midget sized cubby cove where the boys couldn't stand up in) to watch a movie and snuggle more while waiting for dinner.

We went back downstairs once Lux arrived with food and we got everything figured out, and had an adorable cuddle pile.  Kitty and I sat on the loveseat, with Fox on the floor leaning on his legs, and Lux curled up laying where I could give him scritches.  Lux fell asleep during the movie a few times, and as soon as it was done, went to bed.  Fox practically followed him up, needing to get to bed herself.

Kitty and I decided to stay up so we could have some catch up time.  We stayed in the cubby, laying on the floor with blankets, snuggled up watching the animated disney Robin Hood, and giggling.  At a certain point, we started being more affectionate,  and I realized he was feeling ticklish, so of course I kept myself amused with that.  Slowly, things moved on, and while being silly, and talking about all manner of things, wound up having sex down there.  There was some discussion of feels, and other things, but in general it was just a fun gigglefest.  I also flat out said that I get awkward with him because he still sees me as an awkward teen sometimes, and we're both sure that'll evolve and get better as time goes on. 

We finally got to bed around three in the morning, and I joked that Lux would wake me up for sex around seven, to which afterward I would fall back to sleep for another little while.

He woke me up at nine for sex instead.  Apparently he needed a little extra sleep as well.  They made it downstairs shortly after we did, where we talked a bit, and got ourselves put together to grab breakfast and pack up. 

Saying goodbye was hard.  Kitty and I already have plans to spend time together while the beast is away during spring break, but I still wanted to have more time with him.  On the ride home, I checked in with Lux, to make sure he was ok with seeing me be snuggly with someone else, to which he assured me it was fine.

And now that they're all home again, I already miss them.  I have such wonderful, fantastic partners, that I care about so incredibly, and I wish I could see them more.  What's better, is now they get along, and approve of the other, which is really one of the happiest things ever.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

With Me

I remember sitting in Kitty's old car.  We were at a gas station, heading out to go to one of his favorite places for dinner, as I told him about the insanity of my parents.  He looked me dead in the eye, and with that slight crack in his voice that happens when he gets into his protective mental panic, said "Y'know, I really am surprised you haven't started drinking or doing any drugs."

I was 17 at the time, and just a few months after, my parents would force me to see a therapist because I demanded to be treated like a person, and with respect, and they saw that as "unruly and uncontrollable behavior".  The therapist said I was oddly clear headed and well adjusted for how badly they treated me, and once I turned 18, they didn't see me needing to go to them.  My mother said the therapist was a "waste of space, and did nothing", because I didn't turn into the moronic slave they treat me as though they want me to be.

Needless to say, I've had a lot of toxic and unhealthy exposure in my life.  I have had every opportunity in life pulled out from me, full of lies, and false assumptions.  Things that are conveniently remembered in ways that villainize me, and make them look like they did everything perfectly.  Ignoring every fact, and only acknowledging what they want to be the truth.  Empty promises, degredation, and generally being treated like garbage.

It's no mystery why I had all of my relationships up to this point be with people who were anywhere from mildly unhealthy, to whatever form of abusive.  I had no example of how healthy interaction worked, and my parents never mentioned of what should be a red flag, but rather just speak ill of everyone they encountered. 

Through my teens, early twenties, and even now, I question how I am so different.  I get so dragged down by them, and am constantly beaten by their judgemental and ignorant nature, and yet I remain myself.  Someone strong, caring, honest, stubborn and loyal.  I love learning, and want nothing to go untouched.  I feel driven to create, and do, and experience. 

And while I may have gotten close a couple times, I've never lost myself.  No matter what, I've stayed me, and, that's something I'm really proud of.  I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I fight through it all, and have fantastic people I couldn't be more grateful for.

I know I have faults (as does everyone) but so many of the ones in my head were put there by others, and I've been trying to remind myself of that, and really solidify in my mind that I am a good, healthy, and strong person who deserves much better than I've had for most of my life.

I have a lot I want to do, and while I'm not the happiest with my life, I am happy with the person I've turned out to be.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Crawling Climb

This weekend, I'll be spending time on adventures with Lux, Kitty, and meeting Fox, his primary, for the first time.  It'll also be the boy's first exposure to each other in person, and my first time being around both of them at once.

Needless to say, I'm incredibly excited.

However, this weekend has taken quite a bit of work to put together.

Initially, we were all supposed to head up to Flea.  Lux has a bad taste for the event after the last two years though, and so we decided to take a break from it, and see if he misses it next year.  We however still wanted adventure together, especially given losing out on the time with Kitty, and the amount of time since I've seen Lux.

Just deciding on the weekend was a project.  We had no real idea what to definitely do, so the weekend was in the air.  It wound up coming down to Fox's schedule, and then I had to get the gnome to watch the beast a different weekend, as I'd already planned for Flea.  That was difficult in and of itself, and had me ready to stab him in the grundle.

And then, it came down to figuring out what to do.  I tried hunting for larger events, getting no answers from anyone.  About a week after, Kitty and Fox leave a play party telling me they want to go Wicked Faire.  I talk to Lux about it, and he's not fond of the idea, and neither am I.  Upon asking Kitty, he says that he's interested in the kink-centric stuff, and not much more.  I remind him that Lux is taking a mental break from play, and that neither of us enjoy play parties, so we'd be skipping out on any they went to.  Kitty immediately put us back to the drawing board.

So, many ideas went flying around.  Lux has been insane with work, and so was trying not to snap as I attempted to organize things.  At the same time, getting no answers from Kitty or Fox.  Finally, Lux told me that he is more interested in the idea of simply going and doing day of, rather than trying to have some overly structured plan, but liked the idea of being in Philly.

Well, something to go on! 

Almost immediately, that helped us build a list of options of things we can decide to do there.  We booked tickets for a room escape puzzle, and a few nights later decided where to stay together. 

I'm really looking forward to this.  The last couple weeks have been a total clusterfuck, but this should be amazing.

Sunday, February 14, 2016


Generally, I'm not a fan of Valentine's day. 

I find it to be a hokey, false feeling idea that just puts unnecessary pressure, or a superficial mask on relationships.  The expectation or gifts and recognition and gestures and everything creates this competition, and often is the one day a shitty relationship seems to be decent.

I'm also not a fan of grand romantic gestures, as I think they usually feel empty though.  It's the little things people do that make me feel the most loved and cared for.  Just thinking of me is enough to make me happy most of the time.

There's also the obligation to show affection on the same day that everyone else does.  Showing partners you care should be a regular thing, as well as with any loved one.  In fact, those displays of care mean more on a random day when nothing prompts it more than simply thinking of them.

However, as someone who enjoys showing little affectionate gestures constantly, this time of year does lend to it.  I love finding nerdy silly cards to send to everyone, or baking cute things, or simple ideas like that.  It sort of gives me an actual excuse to show that affection, rather than whimsy.

I'm not as against the holiday as I used to, but it still seems too commercial for me.  Oh well.

Thursday, February 11, 2016


I'm a fairly possessive partner.  I'm probably considered overprotective, and very territorial.  And, when it comes to power exchange, or open dynamics, it's always been something difficult for me.  When something happens to someone I care about, I'm prone to a bloodrage, wanting to go after whatever hurt them, and be there to take care of them however possible.

All the time though, I just want to snuggle up my partners, nom on their head and contentedly say that they're mine.  That's kind of difficult right now though, with Kitty having a primary he lives with, and Lux technically being the one in charge, that level of possessiveness doesn't really fit.

And sometimes, that makes me a little lonely.  Not in a really bad way, but because I can't really express that affection the way I want to. 

But, you know what?  They're stuck with me whether or not anyone else is there.  I'm loyal to the point of idiocy, and so are they.  In a way, even if not in a traditional sense, that sort of attachment and time makes them someone I will care about pretty much forever.  And that sort of permanency does make them mine in a way.  My loved ones who I get great happiness out of taking care of, and spending time with. 

And, that makes me just as much theirs as well.  I'd go to the ends of the earth for them, and they know it.  Even if I care about them both, it just means I have to balance how I show that care.

Perhaps, with how they've both been lately, expressing that will help them.  Let them know that they have someone who cares no matter what happens, and someone who will always be there.

Sunday, February 07, 2016


The other day while on the phone with Kitty, we were discussing how I've never outwardly propositioned, or initiated anything with him.  I told him about how I'm constantly groping on Lux, and trying to get him out of his clothes as often as I can. 

And, it's had me thinking since then about how differently I act around them both, and why.  Not that I'm any less myself with either of them, but how they act around me certainly brings out different traits in me.

With Lux, he is incredibly forward with me, and while we do just snuggle a lot, the vast majority of the time, he's grabbing my ass, or pulling me against him, or having me suck his cock.  Because being this forward is the comfortable normal, I'm always doing similar to him.  Even with little cute affection, we are far and away more blatantly sexual with each other.

Kitty on the other hand is very used to handling me when I was an awkward teenager.  We are constantly holding hands, and taking time for soft, careful affection.  He is rarely forward with me unless it's right before he wants to have sex, and the rest of the time he has this cautious tone.  Because of that, I rarely just grope at him, or do anything to initiate sex.

It's that expression of desire I think.  My mind sort of matches what a partner expresses, and my actions follow suit.  If you're going to plainly show that you are attracted to me, and want to do whatever it is you want at the time, I'll match that if I feel the same (I won't do anything that I don't want to, no matter how much they want it).  If you create that distance, and draw a line, I think you don't want anything, and step back as well.  It's heavily a matter of response, and creating that comfortable vibe. 

Maybe once Kitty sees how forward Lux and I are, he'll realize that I'm not that awkward teenager anymore, and I'm way more comfortable and aware of myself.  I'm honestly curious about how that would work.  How he would be if he were more forward, and encouraging sexually.

It would be really weird at first, undoubtedly, but it might also be really fun.

Thursday, February 04, 2016


I saw a post on Tumblr the other day saying that no one finds people with physical "flaws" attractive.  That everyone only sees those with modelesque figures to be desireable, and anything other than perfection should be surgically taken care of, or altered.

And, yes, there was a counterpost showing what most models look like when they aren't being photoshopped, but still, it was only these high fashion models being featured, and in pictures meant to make them look unattractive.  It didn't show at all how people who don't have the figure of an Adonis can be viewed as desirable. 

Which, I have to say, both Lux and Kitty are two of the most beautiful men I've ever had in my life, and when I met each of them, they were both overweight, and far from what society deems as sexy in men. 

However, Lux may still be overweight, but he has gorgeous curvy, long legs, and broad hips and shoulders that make him look like a walking brick wall.  He has big solid arms, and deep brown eyes, and a cute butt!  While he doesn't find himself as attractive lately, I still want to chew on him every time I see him, because regardless of his weight, I find him absolutely sexy.

Kitty has lost a lot of weight, which is still odd when I see him, but is every bit as adorable as I've always found him.  He's at a size which fits his build, which is narrower than Lux, but not skinny, and probably has to look down to look the vast majority of people in the eye.  He has the brightest blue eyes I've ever seen, and the apples of his cheeks rise up and change his entire face when he smiles in a way that can never be faked.  He has a more generally slender build now, but has the bit of a tummy that fits him, and makes him snuggly and cute to me, even if he doesn't like it.

They both have scars, and stretch marks, and rolls, and extra skin.  And, every once in a while, I notice it.  And that's about it.  A tiny little detail in a beautiful body.  I'll run my fingers over them, and know it's just something that makes them who they are, and that's about it.  I don't pay any mind to it, but rather simply see these things as a part of them, and find them beautiful for everything they are, rather than the flaws they have.

If only I could see myself that way, but for now, I'll enjoy having that with them.