Thursday, March 31, 2016

Uncooperative

I happen to be just outside of DC right now, and up until last week, it almost didn't happen.  Back when Kitty cancelled his visit due to a snowstorm, he said he would have me down here some time this month to make up for it.  Shortly after I suggested visiting over Squishy's spring break, because it would give me way more time.  We agreed, that was the best course of action.

The trip in February went by, and we were both excited to already have the next visit lined up, anticipating more time together.  Except then I could barely get a hold of him.

And we had never ironed out any details.

Also, any time we made plans to talk, something came up, so there really was no chance to figure any of it out.

It got to the point where I asked Lux if he would mind having me visit, because if Kitty was going to bail, I wanted time with him instead.  Not because he was second best, but because I didn't want to lose out on time with both boys, considering how little I get with them lately.  He couldn't give me an answer at first, but I know that unless he flat out says no, he will generally make whatever it is happen.  Oh, I am spoiled.

However, because of the state I was in at the time, it was rather frustrating.  Not knowing whether to just cancel on Kitty for someone who is far easier to communicate with, or keep them both in the air, or disappoint Lux if Kitty came through.

Eventually, last week Kitty was finally like "Holy shit talk tonight", and I got a hold of him long enough to know what was going on.  He apologized for being difficult the last month, and also told me that he's officially marrying Fox while I'm here.  Which, is a thing that I'm still not sure about.

I felt badly for dropping that plan Lux and I had started forming, especially with the gnome cancelling a ton of plans he had been talking about which would have given me a ton of time up there. 

However, now I'm here, and meeting his people that he's collected over the years, and he's explaining to them our weirdness, and how important I am, and that's kind of awesome.

Sometimes, boys are a pain in the ass.  They sure are cute though.


Sunday, March 27, 2016

Steps

So, go look at the very first post in this blog as a reminder, because it makes this post a bit funnier, and have more meaning.  Go on, I'll give you a minute.

Did you read it?

Got it all fresh in your head?

Good.

That party I skipped out on last weekend wound up being a complete clusterfuck.  Lux is actually glad I wasn't there for my own safety.  It seems that crazy feminist friend had gotten super drunk around Thrax the last time he visited without his girlfriend, and they wound up making out, with him not remembering any of it the next day.  Last weekend, she wound up doing the same with Felix.  After they were done, she amusedly told him about the time with Thrax, and his girlfriend heard.  She flipped shit, and jumped on Thrax, physically attacking him.  Crazy feminist pulls her off, only to get attacked herself.  Once they put enough bodies between the two of them, his girlfriend threw a fit to have someone drive her home (which wound up being an ex of hers who she had emotionally abused in the past) then went upstairs to pack, and tried to destroy Thrax's luggage since she couldn't attack him.

Thrax, to top it off, has now cut all of them from his life, and is acting like she's done these things before.  I also know of a pile of lies he's keeping from her.  And while I should feel badly for him, they both deserve this and worse, and I'm here doing my karma dance.  I am well beyond doing anything harmful, but seeing life catch up doesn't feel bad. 

It also just shows me how much I've grown from them as a whole, and how much healthier the people in my life are now.  I'm making steps towards better things, and looking back at what was makes me very happy for that progress.


Thursday, March 24, 2016

Reasons why I'm Glad I Barely Look at Social Media

The friend I avoided seeing last weekend posts a lot on the Tumblr, which is why I saw all those rants about how Lux and I are horrible people every time we'd visit.  While I haven't really looked at Tumblr lately, I hopped on to see something, and out of curiosity, looked through her blog there.

I saw one particular post on there, where she talked about how abuse is abuse, regardless of whether the other person "wanted to harm them".  That affecting someone that way, whether purposely, or being unable to see that effect still counts as abuse, and not listening to person affected when they speak up and making those changes just cements it.

And, that's not a bad view to have.  It's a very solid thing in fact.

Except that she'll preach it only until conflict of interest arises.

There were many car rides as I went back home with her where I'd tell her about shit Thrax pulled, and she'd just say "Well, he didn't mean to hurt you, he just never learned how to give affection" or "I'm sure he had your best interests at heart".

Oh yea, consent violations, ignoring limits, constant lying and going behind my back, putting me down, and treating me like I didn't matter is totally having my best interests at heart.

I'm sorry, but that level of hypocrisy goes way beyond normal Tumblr feminism, and makes them a liar themselves.  So not only is their behavior verging on emotional abuse in and of itself, but she isn't self aware enough to know that she doesn't follow her own words.  She's too caught in her mind of "my mom abused me!" Because she wasn't taught to express herself around people, and her mom got pregnant young and wanted her to be a friend, being a single mom with two other kids, and working from home herself.  Her views are so twisted I can't even hold a conversation anymore, and now that she's hitting this hypocrisy, I'm pretty sure I'll be avoiding her for a while.


Sunday, March 20, 2016

Seeing Accurately

Lately, I've been paying attention to what helps quiet my mind when it comes to body image. 

It's probably no surprise, but my mental state has a lot to do with it.  When I'm only around my parents, who constantly treat me like garbage, I feel horrible.  I want to curl up in a ball, and I want no one to look at me.  Simply to hide under the blankets, and sleep forever, and not have to deal with any of it.

And then I stop feeling drive to work out, and notice those changes as well.  I lose that clarity of mind, or that boost of energy, or getting to see what my body can do.

It's terrible.  I hate the feeling, and yet I've dealt with it most of my life. 

But, when I remember to work out as often as I can, my posture improves, and I see what I'm physically capable of.  I see my strength, and flexibility, and get that feeling like jell-o afterward.  It makes me see all of that in the mirror, and while I notice all the physical imperfections I have, they seem quieter.  I see myself closer to how the world likely does, instead of the horrible interpretation hiding in my brain.

When I'm away, or with those I care about, it helps as well.  And when I eat properly it helps, as well as what I wear, or making sure I put myself together properly.

When I create a positive environment for myself, I see the beauty in life and in myself.  However, given the amount of toxic and emotionally abusive shit in my life, it's hard to stay there.


Thursday, March 17, 2016

Distancing

It's been a really weird week for interacting with old friends.

I had a weekend with a couple of my oldest friends, catching up, and playing games.  This went well, and I'm glad that it happened.  I stayed up far later than I should have, but it was fun, and that's what matters.

However, one of my friends who was causing issues last fall has been trying to get me up to visit.  And, recently, Felix's mother passed away, and they are having a get together to support him, and she's trying her damnedest to have me there.  To the point where she changed the date to work with my schedule.  The thing is though, I don't really want to be around her anymore.  The last half dozen times I've been there, while simply trying to keep up with conversation, she's reacted to what I say with complete irrationality, attacking me, telling I'm wrong, and horrible, predjudice, and a shitty person.  Everyone that I explain this to says that I deal with similar enough at home, and shouldn't leave the house to be with friends and deal with the same.  The gnome even understands that I don't want to be anywhere near it.

While avoiding that, I made plans to meet up with part of my old logistics team from back when I larped (Kitty and I were assisted by him, so we had one less thing to take care of.)  He was supposed to come pick up clothes that Clarice wasn't fitting in for his own daughter.  Unfortunately, a couple years ago he admitted to having had feelings for me since I was a teenager, and he was about to go through a divorce.  He got far more affectionate than he should have been, which I usually brushed off to being in character.  Then he started blatantly hitting on me, in the most awkward of ways.

And, to make this worse, he doesn't really know me.  He knows the characters I play, or those moments out of character with walls up that exist in public.  He has feelings for the idea of who I am, not who I am in reality.

Well, when he showed up, we chatted a while, and when I helped him carry the clothes to the car, he went to hug me goodbye, and it lasted a bit longer than it should have.  Then he went to make out with me, and in gut reaction, I slid my arms in and shoved him off me and into his car.

If you can't guess, I was in a weird mood the rest of the day.  I was supposed to talk to Kitty, but never got to.  We still have yet to figure out the end of the month. 

After the week I had, I need snuggles with people I trust and enjoy.


Sunday, March 13, 2016

Burning Through

Little things fuck me up.  The bullshit my family pulls, or the gnome, makes me constantly pissed.  It drags me down and digs away to the point where I overthink, and it makes me feel like shit.  When I bottom, if it's a long enough play session with someone I know, I'll go nonverbal with floaty endorphins. 

However, I've got this weird sort of super power when shit happens.  If someone gets hurt, or something goes down, I burn those brain chemicals, and instantly put those emotions to the side.  I gain focus, and clarity to make sure whatever went down gets my full attention until it's fixed and I'm sure everything is good again.

When I bottom, if anything is no longer happy, I quickly snap out of the floaty feeling, burn through those endorphins, speak up and stop what is going on. 

This is not only helpful for making me a safe partner, but lets me make sure those I care about get every bit of help and support possible, no matter what is happening.  A partner moves wrong, and pulls something, and I instantly give that care, finding out how bad it is, and if it needs attention.  They hit a mental limit, and I can tell those small changes happen, which means I step in, snuggle them up, and silence that stress in their mind.

I suppose it works towards being service oriented.  I'm taking care of them no matter what is going on with me, and making sure I stay open, honest and safe with them.  And, when I do wind up doing this when stressed, it means I'm not over thinking anymore.  All in all, it's a skill I'm very happy to have.


Thursday, March 10, 2016

Custom

Kitty and I used to have a very interesting dynamic in our unacknowledged relationship.  Even though we never discussed it, we had this incredibly strong support structure for us both, and in an odd way, became this weird non-controlling form of d/s.  He at the time did a lot to take care of me, and I tried to do as much for him as I could while being an awkward teenager.  It really looked like this solid healthy and caring relationship that was very obviously with someone in their teens and early twenties.  We'd argue and be at each other's throats over something dumb, and then the next minute, we'd be working like a well oiled machine, acting as the other's hands, and snuggled up as soon as we were done, not needing an apology, but simply moving on from it.

And now, things are different.  We've both grown as people, and magically, it's been in a similar enough way that we still just mesh right.  Then there's Lux and I as well, who have a still different dynamic, that just works for us.

Both of them I try to support the best I can.  Listening, and holding, and helping, and providing whatever I can to help them.  Lux and I have this somewhat invisible power exchange, that's become natural and present but very difficult to see.  With his stress and mental state due to his life right now, it helps him if I take on a lot of the smaller routine things.  Domestic service, reminding him of things, or even making little every day decisions.  I run them all by him, so he can say no to anything he's truly uncomfortable with, but usually, he looks, with this feeling of appreciation both for the asking and the act, and agrees. 

He however, tends to make the big decisions by himself.  He tells me he's doing them, checks in to see if there are issues, because, y'know, not an asshole, but makes those decisions himself.  Especially when it involves money, he'll just get things for us both, and never think anything of it.  It's almost like this weird taken in hand thing, where I take care of him as much as I can, he makes sure I'm taken care of, and at the end of the day, as much as he considers everything I tell him, he has the final say, and that brings us both a wonderful peace.

Kitty and I however, have both grown a lot since that old dynamic, and now, we provide a mutual caretaker roll, based in support and what works best for us.  Kitty likes being able to bark orders, and so, I let him make all those little decisions.  I'm more along for the ride, because it makes him happy to be the driver.  I very regularly remind him that it's me letting him decide those things just because, and that he shouldn't push it too far.  We bring each other solace, and support, without any power being exchanged ever.  I show him affection through snark and bratty behavior just as much as snuggles, and it creates this lighthearted support that makes us both happy.

Even with having two sadistic tops, I have such dramatically different situations with them.  They're both important, both wonderful, and they both make me happy.  And that, I think is one of the most vital things I've learned.  Enjoy those differences.  Recognize them, learn them, and enjoy every dynamic that occurs as it's own beautiful thing.


Sunday, March 06, 2016

Silly Story

I wake up every morning to their embrace.  Warm and comforting, enjoying their touch on my skin, I have to convince myself to keep my eyes open.  That contentment as I welcome the day, and greet the peace of the moment.  The challenges of the day come to mind, as I contemplate their worth.  I snuggle in for a moment, sighing at what the day holds.

"Stay with me," they whisper, "Stay with me, and we will have this contented warmth, wrapped up in peace as we watch the chaos of the world go by."

The offer is tempting, but there are things I want to do, and learn.  There are adventures to be had, and hiding from the world shows me none of them.

"Come with me, please?" I ask sleepily, still having touble keeping my eyes open for an extended period of time.

"I can't, but I promise I'll be here whenever you decide to join me again."

That's always how it is with them.  No matter what I'm striving for, they don't stand next to me, but welcome me back at the end of the day, with the same steadiness that has always been there.  I get out of bed, not wanting to leave that embrace, but knowing there is work to be done.

I call for my other love when I get downstairs.  They're never with me when I wake up, but show up shortly after whenever I need them.  Soon, I'm wrapped around them, enjoying a new warmth, and a rejuvenation by their presence.

"I missed you," I smile, "I have so much planned today."

"I know, and you've accomplished so much more.  You should be proud of what you've done, and tackle today as though you could do it all again before the morning is over."

I sigh, and look at them with care, "Would you come with me?"

"Of course my love.  I will be with you for as long as I possibly can, no matter the endeavor."

I smile again, leaning back on the couch to relax, and now able to focus.  They're always there for me when I need them, encouraging and steady, pushing me to do more.  I go about my day, feeling their presence, and enjoying how they affect me.

At some point, they go away.  They can't be around forever; everyone runs out of spoons and has to recharge sometimes.  There are some days where I tend to them, and ask them to continue to help me.  Most days, I have momentum by the time they're gone, and accomplish more knowing that I could call for them, but don't need to.  And still more, there are days when I call later.

"It has been a long day.  Would you join me for dinner so I can relax, and try to relax and collect my thoughts for tomorrow?"

"Yes my dear," they answer, "I'll be there shortly."

But at the end of the day, they leave again, their absence sad, but necessary.  And so I left to go back to the embrace I left that morning, still there welcoming me after being gone all day.  I wrap myself around them, feeling no judgement for walking away from them so early in the day.  That warmth as I snuggle in centers me as I fall asleep again.

And so, I have to decide, am I cheating on my bed with coffee, or the other way around?


Thursday, March 03, 2016

L

While making out with Kitty when we were together last, he mentioned feels making his current situation difficult.  That he was used to how we felt about each other way back when, but now taking in his best friend, partner in crime, and a relationship that clocks in over a decade, as well as feels being far beyond what they were, it takes some processing.  And also, as he put it "that l-word we skirt around without really mentioning, but feeling", which I said that we've always told each other when it was needed, but neither one of us felt like we had the place to say it all the time.

And then we did the math.  Six years since I'd said it, and longer since he had.

There are very few people I've told that I loved since my mid teens.  Probably a half dozen, and rarely was I the first one to say it.  I wait until there's no chance of it being a crush, or a rebound, or any of that, and until that long term shine comes through. 

And, I don't say it often.  Not because I'm afraid, but because I never want it to lose meaning.  I don't use it as an excuse, or to get people to do things, but because people should know they're loved.  I show love through actions, and care, and support, rather than words generally.  It's generally pretty easy to tell when I do love someone.

Kitty and I told each other the next night, and agreed we should say it more, and acknowledge the feels and connection we have in a better way. 

I love both Kitty and Lux, and I should be more explicit about it with them.  It'd probably help them both sometimes.