Thursday, April 28, 2016


Because I haven't been in a good mood for a while, and I get to see Lux tomorrow, I figured I would put down a collection of short little stories which make me giggle about him.  Some of those little moments that are just too funny not to keep around to tell when the timing is right.

Background: So, Lux has giant schween.  Like, similar to, or larger than most porncock.  I generally don't mention this, because I care more about him than his genitals, but it apparently is something that brings about humor, so hooray.

First, one of our favorite stories, from while I was living with Thrax.  It was just before the weekend that I was going to move out, and there wasn't much food in the apartment, because I did the shopping, and saw no point in filling the place with food if I was leaving in a couple more days.  The following exchange occurs:
Thrax: Hey, is that sirloin still in the freezer?  Is it cool if I bring it out to PA?
Me: Yea, but the filet in the fridge is defrosting for me on Saturday.
At this point he is poking through the freezer in the kitchen, while I'm in the living room.
Thrax: Whatever, bigger is better.
I snicker.
Thrax: I get it, he's black. 
Me: Ok, I have had sex with two black men in my life.  One had a perfectly average size penis.  The other technically isn't black he's British.
Thrax (without a moment's pause): Damn him and his colonial cock!

This is now a joke wherever we go.  It's even been made mid-coitus.  Because it never stops being funny.

Next, during the weekend I helped Lux pick out his apartment, we first went to the NY ren faire, because it was the halfway point of the trip.  We stopped by to see some friends there, and I forget why, but mentioned in conversation that we had already had sex that morning.  Our friend, in an attempt to be silly and flirty, says "Oh, well I guess that means she's stretched out to be able to take me then" to which Lux walks away and I giggle and give him a look to say he doesn't want to hear my actual response.  We joked about this and all the things we didn't say because we were in public throughout the rest of the ride north.

And finally, at least for this collection, something from just a couple weeks ago.  A while back, on the phone with Kitty, he mentions that one day Fox ordered a toy, and it showed up, and was way too big for them to even attempt using.  It had since become known as the "bludgeoning dildo" and was mostly just giggled at. 
Fast forward to me being there, and Kitty mentions that it's on the couch near me.  I pick up a blanket and see part of it, and pull it out.  Upon holding it, I realize it is the exact size of Lux's peen, and even narrower than him for the top half.  I keep quiet, though Lux says I should have made the comment of my first thought which was "Wait, where's the rest of it?  I took a real cock this size on Saturday."  But then Kitty would have pouted a lot.  Lux and I giggle about it plenty though.

I'm certain more dopey moments like this will happen in the future.  And I will giggle over them forever.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Reasons Why I Shouldn't Look at Social Media Part Two

A while ago, the same friend that has been full of so many other issues posted to Tumblr about it's fine to live off fast food if you work because you might be tired, and cooking for a family is hard.  That there's no problem with living off it, and no one should have to cook to feed themselves after taking care of loved ones.

Mind you, she, and her husband often have a completely empty house with no food when I stay there, live off junk food, and when she claims she's going to "cook" for a party or just to feed us there, it's a meatloaf.  Now, I have no problem with meatloaf, but that's all she makes.  Nothing else.  So we have small bowls of that, which are expected to keep us fed and happy for a weekend.  Oh, and if she makes breakfast, it's often bacon.  Yes, just bacon.

This is how she feeds guests.  In incredibly small amounts, and just with meat.  I leave there and crave vegetables for days.

And, she works from home.  There's no commute.  She also spends her time while working, making yarn and knitting for fun, or cleaning while she works.  Oh, that sounds really horrible and draining.  Her husband is the only other person there, and the way they live is starting to show in their health.  They're both in terribly shape, and need to make those changes.  But, y'know, it's fine that they feed themselves horribly.

Move to Kitty, who works more than full time hours and has to use mass transit to get to and from work in a city.  He has a constantly changing sleep schedule due to his spouse, which usually lies in the range of three to six hours at a shot.  He also takes care of the household, and tries to balance a social life for his own sanity.  When he gets home, he cooks more nights than he doesn't.  Makes extra for his lunches, and makes sure they are complete meals.  He however, enjoys cooking.

Then look at Lux, who also works a high stress and long houred job which he has to commute to, and then goes to the gym, because he wants to be healthy.  He tries to take care of his apartment, and have some amount of social life, and hates cooking.  He still does it a good amount of the time, because it's significantly better for him.

There is no excuse for not taking care of yourself.  Knowing how these basic things affects you is part of being a responsible adult, and if you can't knuckle down and take care of yourself, you shouldn't be taking care of someone else, or expect anyone else to take care of you.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Reflecting on Rope Cherries

It's been a little while since I got tied up with Kitty, and now that I can properly relfect on it, I can tell how it fits into the way I like to play.

I'm not terribly patient when it comes to a lot of things, and play is one of them.  I know Kitty was trying to be very thorough about the harnesses he was putting me in, but sometimes I felt like I was just standing there as a mannequin rather than being played with.  I wanted to be doing something, not waiting for the next step in going in the air. 

I've also talked about how play and sex in general for me is about who I'm with, and the connection and vibe therein.  Being in the air got rid of that chance, and made it so I couldn't do anything I wanted to, and not in a fun way, cause, well he doesn't control shit when it comes to me.  It created a desire to play rather than feeling sated.  I came down, curled up, and wanted to get beaten up, and to tear Kitty apart.

I think, in the right mood, I could enjoy ground work.  On those times when I want more affectionate connection rather than primal force, rope would make a good solution.  I need rather consistent energy in order to space out, and that doesn't lend to just hanging in a suspension.  Because of that, I don't think I'm the sort who could find a rope space, and just zone while floating.  It feels awkward to me.  Like half a thought. 

And, perhaps I just need more experience with it, but in the meantime, it's given me an itch for very active and forceful body play that I've asked Lux about taking care of, because we should get some happy violence in soon.

Sunday, April 17, 2016


Since getting back from my week with Kitty, I've been thinking about how that lack of time felt, and a more exact interpretation of what I do need to feel content and cared for with my partners.  Lux and I generally take quite a bit of time showing each other attention, so it goes well beyond what I need, and makes me often feel rather spoiled (which I am not one to complain about, nor do I take it for granted). 

However, when with a partner who has several other partners who he is used to giving attention to, I need to be more aware of what exactly I need, so I can get what is necessary for me.

I like being busy and taking care of a partner.  Being right there next to them while being social and working on stuff is fulfilling to me, but I think it's pretty normal to need breaks.  I need little moments where I get affection without prompting it.  It doesn't matter if it's a hug, or a grope, or whatever, but quick little moments are necessary a couple times a day, just to say they care.  If it's only a short time, I need an hour or so, awake, while just being able to focus on each other.  Snuggles are good, or taking a walk, and of course play and sex are welcome, but I need that time actively put aside.

And if it's a long time together, I need an evening.  Call it a date night or whatever, but some time where we relax and decompress together, preferably with at least a bunch of making out.

I don't have much of an upper limit to how much sex or play I want.  I'll almost always be happy to snuggle up and get attention, or give it in return even if I don't need it.  I'll try to get as much as I can, because I'm not going to stop enjoying it, and more than that bare minimum will have a positive effect on me, so why not pursue more.

Going from nothing, to a surplus, and then lacking again made me realize I need to not panic and accuse them of being like those abusive exes, but rather figure out exactly what I need besides being completely spoiled.

Thursday, April 14, 2016


I remember a conversation that Thrax had with me one day while walking into the house.  Something that he felt completely justified with, and that he was right to tell me.

He said that even though I was his girlfriend, I wasn't a "trophy partner".  That he needed to pursue the other girls he was going after, in complete disregard for who any of them were, because they were girls he felt he could show off more in public. 

Yea, tell that to a girl who already has body dysmorphia.  Needless to say, it made me feel physically like garbage for a while, because I knew the only thing they technically had on me, was that they fit closer to society's standard of beauty.  This did just cement in that Thrax didn't really give a shit about me more than feeling like I needed to compete, but it still dug in what didn't need help in my brain.

I'm very well aware that my build doesn't fit what society would normally prefer.  I'm not photogenic, but rather someone who seems more attractive in person, with my body language, and actions.

However, I have way more on either of the girls he was going after that makes me far worth showing off.

I am strong, both physically, and mentally.  I've climbed out of a lot of shit and abuse without looking for pity, and saw it as something to learn from.  I am intelligent, and love learning new things, or finding complex ideas in simple topics just for the fun of it.  Because of all the shit, I try incredibly hard to be a safe and healthy partner, and thrive when I can take care of them.  When it comes to being entertaining, I try to keep to new ideas and wit rather than relying on references to be funny.  I have a pile of talents, and while I also have a pile of flaws, I have more to show off than they ever will.

And this, is yet more reason why I'm glad Thrax is completely gone from my life, and I have two boys who actually see all of that in me, and want to see all those good qualities grow and thrive.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Careful, but no Contest

I try to be very relaxed about my partners finding other fun people in their lives.  I try to trust their judgement, because, hell, they decided to keep me around, so they make some good decisions.

I learned while with Thrax not to think of myself as being in competition with anyone.  That if someone is going to treat me like shit, they'll do it regardless of the other people, and anyone worth keeping around will listen to me warning them about unhealthy or attacking behaviors.

Jealousy doesn't serve me, and I'm very comfortable in my view that so long as I'm being treated consistently, everything is cool in the world.  If at any point I need more attention, I have no problem asking for it, and generally get it.  However, I get nervous whenever a partner of mine finds a new person. 

It's not really out of worry for how it'll affect me, but how it'll affect them.  I'm incredibly protective, and I've seen partners get hurt by others far too often to just let any new person step in and not worry.  I know it's not healthy, nor is it fair to them to try and keep them from anyone, but sometimes I just want to snuggle them up from the world, away from all the toxic people they've had hurt them or drag them down.  Because every time they get hurt, it does affect my relationship with them, and rarely for the better.  Every person who uses them, or ignores them, or treats them like anything less than the amazing person they are often causes our relationships to move back a step.  While they're absolutely worth keeping around, it still sucks to see them hurting, and having to figure out how it affects us. 

And, I'll be there to help as much as I can, and get them back to being them.  Sometimes, the work of trying to be a healthy partner is intimidating.  Cute boys are worth it though.

Thursday, April 07, 2016

Not so Smooth

(Written on the train home)

So, I'm currently dropping from some last minute cherry popping, but I'll get to that soon.

I anticipated the week to be filled with a lot of time to myself, and plenty of snuggles in the evenings, with some play and adventures.  Lots of time utilized with Kitty on what will be likely the last time I'll see him before the move.

The Saturday before Easter I managed to get in a couple hours with Lux.  He was in a messy mindspace, but we had some good snuggles and time together.  I didn't want him to leave, and wished that after a month without him, I could have the night, considering I have no idea when I'll see him again.

Sunday was the long trek in the evening south, and by the time I got in, all there was time for was a quick tour, some hugs, and bed. 

The rest of the week, unfortunately didn't go so well.  Instead of time snuggled up, I had to listen to Kitty and Fox argue about their wedding, and watch him with one of his other partners, while getting very little attention myself.  The bits of time we got together all week were a stray half hour or so when he was practically passing out, snuggled up and hoping for anything more.

Any night that Kitty had planned on crashing with me, Fox would guilt him out of it, and it lost me more time with him.  The only thing we honestly had planned for was to finally pop my rope cherry, and I'll get to that soon.

Friday was the wedding, and they had decided on dinner at the location of their first date, with just over a dozen people there.  Met a ton of his close friends and found out some go to Pennsic.  Some of them are also friends with the dancers in the area, which was interesting.  However, the funniest part of this, was that during the actual wedding part, a stick was being passed around for speeches and such.  A few people gave very heartfelt and feelsy speeches about the two of them, and then I snatched it up.  As soon as Kitty noticed, his immediate reaction was "Fuck, please be nice.  Please?"  Which I'm pretty sure means that I was the one person there who needed to make a speech, because I had known him longer than anyone there had known either of them.  I was nice in the scheme of things, made it heartfelt, with just a little roasty slap at the end.

Saturday, which was supposed to be rope time after waiting all week, we wound up going to a market, and out to dinner.  Kitty got a ton of board games, but I was incredibly disappointed in the week at this point.  I'd spent it feeling like I was being ignored and didn't matter, and it was kind of a constant hurt.  And without any time to actually talk to him, it made it even more difficult.  We did get to discuss the plans for rope though, and the ground work he was planning turned into him asking how I felt about being his first suspension.  This was entirely different than what we had initially talked about, so I was surprised, but knowing to cover my based, had actually already cleared it with Lux.

So, we move to about five hours prior to this being written.  Finally with the chance to scramble me into rope.  Two hours to tie me before I have to leave for a train that would be delayed.  The tying process went interestingly, needing to alter some things to work for a tinier torso than he was used to tying, and figuring out exactly how to lift me up.  Being airborn was odd, but comfortable while I was there, yet at the same time being able to move made me want to move.  I'd try to sit up to give my neck a break, or lay back to give my abs a rest.  At one point, I grabbed my feet, and tried to move into an inverted bow pose, but it shifted the chest harness quickly, and although still safe, wouldn't have felt happy at all.

I was up for probably about five minutes honestly, and started getting lightheaded.  I don't even know why, but they had enough time to discuss the tie, how things were done, and for the two of us to celebrate crossing new ground.  I got let down slowly, and sat on the floor, before being pulled in to snuggle with Kitty.  He thanked me for being patient with the process, and after only a short minute, and some candy, I was getting dressed again and ready to go, even though all I wanted in that moment was lots more snuggles and play and connection.

I already know I need to talk to Kitty about a bunch of things soon, and hope to be able to get through it in the very near future.  I still kind of wish I had spent the week with Lux, but having that experience is something I'm reall grateful for.

Sunday, April 03, 2016

Long Distance Nymphomania

For the longest time my body had a sort of defence mechanism against my sex drive.  Because all of my partners showed no real interest or attraction toward me for whatever reason, after about a week without sex, my brain would kind of shut that part of itself down, and I wouldn't think about it.  It was better for my own mind to ignore that part of itself, because it wasn't like there were really options for me (for a multitude of reasons).

Welp, having partners that actually match my sex drive (some of the time at least) has definitely proven how much showing interest is important for me.  It was about a month between seeing Lux or Kitty both, and while Kitty still sees me as an awkward teenager, Lux was very vocal about that timespan's affecting him as well.  Those regular expressions of desire made that month rather difficult, and the distance wasn't helping.

And, it's not as if I didn't have opportunities with people over the course of that month.  To which there's this odd conversation in my brain between really wanting to bone someone, and no one around happening to be a cute boy I like.  Which becomes really interesting, and amusing, and somewhat frustrating on occasion. 

More often than not, distance is incredibly disadvantageous for me.