Sunday, May 29, 2016

Murderboner

The other day I had a stream on while working on things, and the beginning of it was just talking to chat while waiting for people to show up.  At one point, they started talking about ragefucking, and argument sex.  They then said that it is never actually a good idea, and I started thinking about the science of it.

Ragefucking is a trap.  Full on Admiral Ackbar trap.  When people are fighting, it stimulates the brain to create similar endorphins that would occur when we're turned on.  And because we're that worked up, we look at the other person for the same relief we would want when we have too much stress, or need comfort and catharsis.  That physical barrier is broken, so both parties let that be an instant response. 

Afterward, all the bonding chemicals happen, and bring them back together.  It's probably the reason why most of the couples who constantly split and get back together do so.  They know they're incompatible, but there's that anger and then sex brain chemicals that wind up tricking them into staying close until there's so much animosity that they're just done. 

Sex does so many weird things to our minds.  A lot of people don't think about what is happening to them when they're so driven by emotion.


Thursday, May 26, 2016

Reasons Why I Shouldn't Look at Social Media Part Three

A while back, I was scrolling through a feed, and found a link to an article labelled "Most overrated things about sex".  I fell victim to the clickbait, wondering exactly what the writer thought went into this category.

And, as I read the list, I kept feeling sorry for anyone that person ever had sex with.  The list was riddled with things like blowjobs, positions other than missionary, and even sex outside the bedroom.  It absolutely painted a portrait that she just wanted to starfish and let the guy do the work to get sex overwith, without her having to do anything.

She whined about sex making her tired, and how having to hold herself up was too hard of work.  Now, I know I have better endurance than quite a few people, but getting tired is part of the point.  If you haven't gotten completely worn out, and your body still works, you haven't had enough sex.  Sometimes that means incredibly rough sex that doesn't last as long, or something easier that you can spend time on, but seeing how different things feel while putting everything into it is part of the fun. 

And on that note, giving and doing as much as you can makes things way more fun for your partner, and when you see them enjoying things, you should feel more apt to do them.  Sure, I enjoy giving blowjobs to the point where I often purposefully don't try to get my partner off so that I can just relax and get into what's going on myself, and I don't expect everyone to be that way.  However, turning your partner on, seeing how to get those fun reactions, and getting them off is damn hot.  There is no reason not to enjoy it other than the fact that you have to put work into it.

Sure, we're all entitled to days where we feel like shit and either can't put in the work, or just want our partners to take over so we can decompress.  It's not a bad thing once in a while, and it creates a very important change of pace that needs to happen so things don't get stale.  The fact that any sex act that requires work is seen as overrated though, creates a very one sided standard, and winds up causing a lot of disdain and frustration in many cases. 

Clickbait strikes again, and hopefully doesn't trick people into trying to be lazy during sex.


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Sunday, May 22, 2016

Status

There have been some weird things I've noticed since being in a poly dynamic.  Things I often didn't think about prior, just because it wasn't something I had experience with. 

On fet, I notice a lot of people label themselves as polyamorous without actually showing any relationships, and this often tweaks something in me.  I know many people aren't comfortable with the idea of living monogamously as a permanent situation, but saying that makes it look like you can never feel fulfilled by a single partner.  It's like saying that you'll take on a relationship with a person, but won't be happy with them until you find yet another partner.

I'm rather fond of both my partners.  I'm in no rush to be without either of them, and hope they're both in my life and just as important to me for an incredibly long time.  However, I don't need one to feel fulfillment in the other.  They both make me happy, on their own, and just by being them.  If the other wasn't around, I would have no need for another to find happiness in who I had. 

I, myself am not polyamorous.  I may practice polyamoury, I may have a poly dynamic, but I do not find it to be a state of being.  Before Kitty became my other partner, I was not a polyamorous person, I was just me.  I'm still me, and the number of partners I have don't define that, or how I feel about them. 


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Thursday, May 19, 2016

Never Static

I was thinking the other day, of how Thrax was so vehemently against anything he deemed to be submissive.  This included things like doing favors for me, or even education in order to be safe during play.  He would refuse to do things like self tie while I would do the same in order to teach him basic single and double columns, because he would swear it made him submissive.

And, really, this is just fear on his part.  As a switch, I've always been very aware that any act has the potential to be done with any side of power exchange, or with none at all.  Treating an act as though it can only be done one way, is going without looking at the possible fun in it.  Yes, there is an obvious top and bottom to any act (unless, you know, the same thing is being done to both, in cases of mutual violence, or molestation) but to say that an act inherently gives or takes control absolutely makes no sense. 

Things like when I dig my hands into Lux, doesn't mean I'm in charge.  It's me asking him to hurt me more, and telling him that I think he's super cute.  I know it's his natural response to hit me harder when he's hurt, but it's his decision to do so.  If Kitty beats me up, it doesn't mean that there is any power exchange.  Things are completely level, and if he tried to take any control, I'd knock the sense back into him. 

The only thing that is inherently submissive, is actively giving control, and the only thing inherently dominant is holding it.  Everything else just depends on the occasion.


Sunday, May 15, 2016

Worth

Recently, my uncle came to visit.  Now, acknowledging how shitty my family is, my uncle is probably the worst of them all.  He's outright abusive, violates personal space, and will openly attack those who say anything to him to try and get him to quiet down.  While I had wanted to be conveniently missing while he was there, I was told I had to deal with him.  More than likely because they didn't want to deal with him by themselves. 

In a five minute span, while putting away lunch and balancing things, he is shoving me against the kitchen counters, and asking if I have a boyfriend.  When I say no, he tells me it's because I'm too worthless for anyone to want to be with me.  He tells me that I'm not doing anything to put myself out there.  He tells me no one will ever see me as desirable.

I can't say in front of my parents that I in fact have two partners, that both care about me a fuckton, and I just don't care about throwing a label on them.  I can't tell him that I have people who find me to be an important and inspiring part of their life, and I'm more concerned with being a healthy and supportive influence rather than just a relationship status.  I can't tell him that the last two boyfriends I've had were abusive, and that right now I just care about having healthy and respectful people in my life, regardless of the role they take.

He fixates on it for his visit.  How not having a serious titled relationship makes me worthless.  How not being part of a collective makes me less of a person.

And, fuck, that's such utter bullshit.  It's the reason why people are afraid to be single.  Afraid to learn about who they are, and depend on who they become while attached to someone.  I have worth for so many reasons other than my partners, and while I may be able to show them off for the amazing people they are, they don't make me worth any more just by slapping a label on them, just as they don't have any more worth by putting one on me.  We all have worth through our talents and thoughts and skills and views and what we contribute.  We have worth in what we give and encourage and create.  We have worth in how we make others feel, and how we help, and all the many things we do in this world.  We have worth in what we do as an individual, and how we grow, and cultivate growth in others, and none of that is dependent on having a romantic relationship.  Anyone who makes anyone think otherwise is far too dependent on their own partner to realize what worth really is.


Thursday, May 12, 2016

Learning Curve

Both of my last two relationships were incredibly emotionally, and at times somewhat physically abusive.  To be honest, it's something I've dealt with my entire life, and currently as well from my parents, but I'm focusing more on those last two relationships in this case. 

And while a lot of it had a shitty effect on me, it's also helped me become a better partner I think.  I know the effects it has, and I don't want people to ever feel that way.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, I feel like you can't really be conscious of it all unless you've been through it.

Things like balancing partners, and making them both feel cared about, even though it's something I've pretty much gotten used to, is something I still worry about and make sure I manage.  I know how it feels to be tossed aside just for the prospect of something new and shiny, or because someone has decided to stop giving a shit.  I hate the idea of ever doing that to a partner, and if I ever did, it'd tear me apart for making them feel that way.  Lux has dealt with it too, and is always worried if he has another partner around with me.  I'm always sure to just poke for attention if I want a bit more of it, and make sure he spends time with them as well.  Kitty hasn't gone through it, with his limited experience in poly or open dynamics, and as such has recently found out how it makes other people feel to do it to him, and now he's trying to balance better, realizing how overextended he was.

I know to stay honest, because even the smallest fibs can sneak in and destroy things.  To consider my partners, and their thoughts and feelings in most things just to create a simple and peaceful dynamic.  To listen to them, because they do provide outside perspective, and their response gives me insight onto how they're doing as well.  To always be supportive, and a source of positive encouragement, while calling them out on bullshit.  So many things that I would never think of if I hadn't dealt with it first hand.

I know I'm not a perfect partner, but I know that a lot of people never learn from abuse and shit that they deal with.  However, I'm going to take every experience with everyone I have, and turn it into something to learn and grow from.


Sunday, May 08, 2016

Getting Comfy

It's something a lot of people fear in relationships.  Hitting that point where there are awkward silences, and time together becomes routine.  I find that in order to avoid it, people try to keep from building a friendship with partners.  The less they know, the less they can relax and just fall into that comfortable lull, depending on passion and superficial attraction.

I hate feeling that way with people.  I crave that comfortable feeling with people.  When we can lay on a couch naked giggling over the stupidest things, eating takeout, and playing video games, I am the happiest with a partner.  Those times that absolutely would not occur unless you'd spent enough time to just build that trust and connection with someone.

When sex isn't the only thing that makes you feel fulfilled with someone, but those little moments as well.  At the same time, there is that knowing when it comes to sex.  How to tell your partner's interest, and feeling safe in expressing it.  Knowing what they enjoy, or what they need. 

The people who I become comfortable with wind up being way more attractive to me than anyone new.  I'll never understand why people wouldn't want to feel all that with someone, or encourage hitting that point.


Thursday, May 05, 2016

Gigglefits

Last weekend started off difficult.  Lux got held up a lot in traffic, and it meant we were very late meeting up.  By the time we got together, we decided that even though we were both hangry, we would get into the hotel, and order something. 

Luckily, we were close to the hotel, and upon getting in, and giggling over the tub, we settled a bit, and tried to decide on food.

Welp, we didn't get to food right away.  Instead, sex was very necessary, and even after we were done the first time, it was sort of a constant project to prioritize getting food instead of more sex.  He showed me his new ipad he got for drawing, and made a big deal of the quick doodle I jotted onto it.  We spent the rest of the evening giggling over cartoons while sprawled on the bed eating chinese, and snuggling.  It definitely felt like the calm time we both needed to just enjoy.

The next morning, we woke up with more sex, and while trying to figure out what to do with our morning, had coffee, and Lux ran the boilingly hot tub.  We did eventually get in, and giggled over the tub, continuing being silly.  Eventually, we got put together, and left to grab some breakfast, and head over. 

The day went well.  Seeing everyone was nice, and even though my audio got messed up, my set went fairly well.  Lux went there saying he wasn't working, but wound up helping quite a bit throughout the day.  I was a bit sad to notice that one of the types of jewelry I've always liked is no longer popular, and now is near impossible to find.  It'll take some work to hunt it down. 

Once everything was done, we got back, and changed for the afterparty.  The room unfortunately was small, and with a dozen musicians, and a dozen dancers, the room felt full, and overheated.  While I was being silly dancing with others, Lux felt fried from the room, and went upstairs without telling me.  I hopped out to look once I was done, and grabbed a beer to cool down, and realized a lot of people were filing out to chat, tired of the small room, and letting the party die down.  I gave some hugs and went upstairs, finding Lux half asleep in bed, where I snuggled in and slept like a rock. 

We slept much later, waking only for sex what resulted in gigglefits that could not be shaken.  Once we settled down, Lux said he would get coffee, if I ran a bath.  I managed to run one that was far less scorching, and started packing up and getting some stuff together while waiting.  Once we had coffee in hand, we got into the tub, and with it being far more comfortable, took a lot of time to have sex in there.  Which, while I was in a very dopey mood, was really hot.  We hit a point where we were pruny, and needed a break to get ourselves put together, because we had to get out of the room.  The rest of the morning was a stop for breakfast, and then off for quick goodbyes, and the trip home for both of us.

It was a really fun weekend, and I really wish I could have more time with him soon.  I already miss him, and this weekend definitely showed how comfortable we are together, and how happy I am around him, even after this much time. 


Monday, May 02, 2016

Scha-ween! Part Two: The Reckoning!

There will be real posts later this week covering what happened over the weekend, and other real things.  However, with last Thursday's post, and how the weekend went, I need to add a couple dopey moments to show how we giggle over everything.

Lux decided to hide from me what sort of room he got at the hotel.  We got in, and I got a glance at the receipt, noticing he definitely didn't get a stock room.  We get upstairs, and I immediately see the corner of the giant tub in the room, and start giggling.

Saturday morning, he decides to run a bath, and after nearly boiling his nuts several times because he made it way too hot, he lays down, and before I get in, we both look over, and notice just the head of his penis floating above the water, while he's completely flaccid.  And we both giggle.  Lesson of the weekend: flaccid penis' are buoyant.

Then, the next morning, we are having sex, and he starts punching me.  One hit is right into my oblique, and the force causes internal reverb on my organs, pressing them on his cock.  Inside my person.  Which feels really fucking weird.  I immediately start giggling, and when I tell him, we both giggle, and he starts punching me more, which just causes more laughter.

He even said I needed to add these here before the next post, because we giggled so much. 


Sunday, May 01, 2016

Too Long

Prior to this weekend with Lux, it had been a really long time with the absolute minimum affection, and time with partners. 

I wanted sex of course, and snuggles, and just contact.  However, I found myself realizing I wanted very specific things.

After the rope time with Kitty, I wanted connective, primal violence.  I wanted those endorphins, and contact, and sensation.  To be left tired, and feeling connected, my body overstimulated, and my mind floating in catharsis.  That rope just didn't do it, and it left me craving what would.

I've wanted those quiet intimate evenings with my partners.  Time when Lux and I curl up mostly naked, playing video games and being silly.  With lots of sex breaks, and just being us and enjoying that.  Time with Kitty where we turn on a movie, and snuggle up, eventually making out like teenagers, and giggling more than anything else.

There have been random nights where I've gone to bed and just wanted someone there to wrap myself around.  I thought about it the first time it happened, and realized that span was the longest I'd ever spent without sharing a bed with someone since I had just turned 16.  I would share a bunk with whoever I was dating at my larp, and if I was single, I was snuggled up with Kitty.  After the gnome, I had a friend I would spend several nights a week with before Thrax and I started dating.  After Thrax, there was a few people I would snuggle up with before Lux and I became friends.  It's an odd thing to realize, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.  What I do know though, is that being snuggled up with a partner for a night is something that's been kind of important to me for a long part of my life.

The most basic sorts of affection were missing for far too long.  I'm glad to be fixing it.