Sunday, August 28, 2016


While at Pennsic, Lux and I had to have lots of talks about the other people we were looking at doing things with.

Now, generally we're pretty chill about other partners happening, just keeping reminders to be careful, and discussing the possible happenings with any of them.  When we need to put our foot down on someone, it's usually because they're having a serious negative effect, or may be harmful to the other.

So, I had a very short, not real beating from a friend of ours the night we got on site.  That, and the time being tied by Murphy were totally cool with Lux, not only because we know how incredibly safe they are, but because he was present for the majority of it.

He did however, feel nervous about the fire spinner that is super pretty.  He knows I can handle myself if shit goes down, but didn't know exactly what to expect that I had wanted (literally just to touch his butt, and not sex) because he usually goes right to wanting to fuck.  Even when I reminded him that he's a burner, and works a faire that I'm friends with half the performers of, he still felt nervous, only because he didn't know him that well.  We wound up hanging out one night and becoming better friends, Which I think made him more comfortable with the idea, but still, nervous.  Nothing wound up happening though, so more time to continue building a friendship, and maybe the next time I see him, I will get a handful of butt.

At the same time, Lux was interested in our friend's ex.  They texted constantly through the week, and spent almost every night with us, except when we were down with Murphy.  At the same time, she almost refused to say a word to me, and when I would try to have a conversation with her, she'd almost talk past me, instead of to me.  It reminded me a lot of how Thrax was with his current girlfriend back when he and I were still dating.  One night, they wound up making out when he walked her back to camp.  When he came back, while I was half asleep, and Lux was tired too, I tried to tell him that I wasn't comfortable with him doing anything with her because our friend had said she was a bit irrationally insane through the last while of things.  I didn't want to endanger Lux with that, because he tends to be fucked up even with casual partners when they cause problems, and the way she was treating me was pretty much laying groundwork for that to happen already.

Sometimes, it doesn't matter how much you talk about things beforehand, there are still bumps in the moment.  At least we make sure to talk everything out, so that small bump doesn't become a massive obstacle.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Putting in Time

I had a lot more time put into rope over Pennsic.  I watched a lot of different people get tied who reacted very differently, and definitely learned quite a bit more about my preferences in rope itself.

I also got to see Lux get suspended.  In a yurt.

For those of you not aware, Lux is a big brick wall of man who is over 300lbs.  And he went into the air, and got inverted and loved every minute.  It was super cool to watch, and is now the source of a lot of silliness and jokes and plans, but more on that later.

However, I learned that I enjoy the challenge of rope.  I like feeling that pressure, and thinking to myself that I'm on a ride, and need to muscle through.  I absolutely prefer not being able to move, rather than a freedom of movement, and having to be careful of it.  That adventure of being put into place, and not knowing which way I'll be turned or twisted is fun, and makes for a super interesting ride with the top.

I still don't space, or zen.  I keep a very clear head, and feel pretty much normal the entire time.

And, in a very safe sort of fashion, as the week went on, Murphy and I continually got more involved with our ties.  What started as a simple suspension, pushed me into more bendy things, or finally things that put my entire body hanging from one small point.  I find that the more challenging things are way more fun, and we both like seeing where that next step is.  It has me legitimately looking forward to rope, and that's super cool.

I kind of like the fact that I don't space in rope.  I can communicate more, and it leads to dopey singalongs and wiggle parties.  That is way better than just zoning.

Sunday, August 21, 2016


On the ride out to Pennsic, I apparently brought on what was the best rant from Lux ever.

See, the fire spinner than I thought was super pretty last year?  Well, he and I started talking, and becoming friends, and I totally had plans to hang out with him and wanted to touch his butt.  Well, because Lux is bad with names, instead of calling him by his name, I simply referred to him as "cute boy".

Well, apparently this was confusing for him, and struck a nerve.  The most adorable nerve ever.

He went off.  About how for the longest time he was the cute boy, and how sometimes I say Kitty is cute, and he deals with that.  But that I've been saying I've been making plans with a cute boy, and talking about something with a cute boy, and he knows I don't mean him, and probably don't mean Kitty, and so which boy is cute boy in these situations.

It went on for about ten minutes, and the entire time I giggled, feeling badly for making him feel less like he is the cute boy in my life, but finding it adorable that he would go on a rant about such a thing.

It was the first time he's had a response like "This is my place in your life, and I don't like feeling like other people are stepping in on it" even though I know a lot of it was just wanting to more easily follow what was going on.

But just the way he would say "I'm cute boy damn it!" made me smile, and want to snuggle him up on the ride out.

I do in fact have the cutest of boys.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

A Very Different Trip

I'm home from Pennsic, and this year was really fantastic.  Lux and I had a much better time than last year, and I felt far more comfortable over all.  Things moved a lot more smoothly, and it was a load of fun.

My class went well, and I got in a lot of other solid classes.  Only one was a little disappointing, but the rest were all super fun and I picked up a few cute new things.  Unfortunately, we didn't spend anywhere near as much time at parties this year, so straight up dancing time was a lot lower than last year, but we still had fun nonetheless.

The weather kicked everyone's ass.  It was so hot and humid that they were cancelling the heavy battles, and people were dropping left and right.  Most afternoons Lux and I would just lay next to each other, wanting to show affection, but avoiding contact.  The phrase "Don't touch me" became a joke for a few days, due to how gross it was.  With the exception of the first night, when we were clinging to each other for warmth, we were sleeping with the least layers possible, because even at night it felt disgusting.

I never felt super sore from all the walking and dancing this year.  I feel like this is partially due to the amount of dancing I've been doing from home, and because of the lesser amount of parties.  Either way, it makes me happy.

My beating from a friend got cut short, but he never actually used enough force for me to feel it.  I was regularly glancing at Lux during it, and making faces, wondering quietly when he would start actually trying to put some work into it.  Lux at one point during the week, before getting ready to go out for the evening, even though I'm sweaty and a wuss at the time, just tried to get wrap shots on the same spot until I acknowledged it hurting.  It only barely sucked, and I wish it had been more of a beating, but still way more than what our friend did.

What I did get a bunch of time in with though, was rope.  Murphy Blue asked people to help him train for the next couple months, and I answered the call.  As such, I spent a lot of time up in the air, and doing all sorts of neat things.  We talked a lot, and started becoming friends, and before the end of the week, Lux went up in the air in the yurt as well, which was the coolest ever!

Overall, this week was awesome, and I can't wait to write more about it.

Sunday, August 14, 2016


This should be the last post prepped up before Pennsic.  You get fresh new stuff soon hopefully.

And, speaking of which, this one is looking super busy for me, despite my previous entries!

I've got eleven hours of dance classes across three days, a big dance show, and a munch to attend.  Parties at night, and lots of people I want to find time with.

I want to find time to walk the camp and take pictures to show everyone.

And now, my friend Ogre and Lux both want playtime with me, and are determined to beat me up.  Which, I'm certainly not going to complain about if it happens.  I'm looking forward to actually getting in play time again.  It should be really fun, and while it might be a project to cover the marks, I'll make due.

I've also been talking to the cute boy from last year, and I'm pretty determined to touch butts.  I am however terrible at showing attraction toward someone until I develop enough mutual comfort with them to just be awkward and dopey while groping on them.  This will be an adventure!

On top of it all, I want to get in as much time as I can relaxing with Lux, and enjoying time with him to make sure he has a good time there.  Taking care of him is kinda my job after all, even if he says it isn't.

Soon, I'll start posting about all the things I did do while gone though, so we'll see how much of it actually happens.

Thursday, August 11, 2016


I often feel like I'm cheating, or losing out on big adventures, because I very rarely do things with a lot of expectation.  It's probably a bit due to everything in the past, but as time has gone on, I've just stopped making a lot of expectations in regards to anything, because more often than not, I'm met with disappointment.

For the last while, I've been getting messages, or hearing from Lux that he wants to make something of his Pennsic.  He wants to do this, or that, or focus on this for the week.  Like he has this mountain of fantasies to pack into our trip.

And while I'm planning on attending a lot of classes, I know they're all feasible to me.  So long as it isn't too hot, I'll be tired at the end of the week, but they just depend on me taking a short walk every day.  I'd like to walk the grounds and take pictures one afternoon when I get the time, but again, that's just dependent on me finding time to mosey about around everything else going on.

I don't expect to have play time anymore though.  I don't expect these magical happenings, or anything anything else to go on.  I don't look at it with any focus.

I'm there to take in whatever is offered.  I'll contribute every bit of energy I can to what is there, and enjoy what happens organically.  I would rather find my own fun and be happy with that than go somewhere wishing for a handful of things to happen, and finding failure in their lacking despite everything else going on.

By being present, I lose the disappointment of expectation, and while it's been learned through the worst of means, it certainly isn't a bad thing to live by.

Sunday, August 07, 2016


On my birthday, Lux handed me two bags of fabric.  See, he needed a ton of new tunics that actually fit his arms, and he didn't make any.  That left me with two weeks to make him tunics to wear for a week.

Luckily, I did most of my personal packing well beforehand.  He questioned it when I did it.  I'm sure he's happy now.

And my brother came to visit.

Which means that with the beast home, and my brother visiting, I had to sew eleven tunics, most of which is from fabric he ordered and had mailed to me after he handed me the initial bags.

Needless to say, I was running around like a headless chicken, knowing I would get it all done, but still worried that I might not have the time to get it all done.  But he'll be comfortable, and feel much better in things that fit him properly.  And in turn, I get to feel accomplished in knowing that he enjoys everything I've made for him.

There's service in everything, and just that makes me happy.

I'm really hoping we can build a far better Pennsic for each other this year, even if the time leading up to it is a clusterfuck.

Thursday, August 04, 2016

Checking Foundations

Lux had kind of a hard time on his birthday at a few points.  A couple of his exes decided to message him, and then started conversations, and by the next day, it was getting to him.

 We talked about how he wants to be able to just let things happen, and not feel paranoid or territorial, and how staying quiet just doesn't work.  How acknowledging things, and keeping up with that transparency of feelings will do a world more good, and probably keep issues to a minimum, or remove them over time.  We talked about how he hates to feel like he's just an extra person who sometimes gets noticed, and while he doesn't mind being his partners having other people, he needs to feel like he's a priority in things, rather than just an occasional convenience.

I told him about how I know he's very aware that I'm never going anywhere, and am not going to magically change and ignore him, there's still a part of his brain that is paranoid about it because of his past partners, and that I make sure to do my best to balance him in things, not because he is an obligation, but because I never want to be that shitty partner.

I assured him that he's not the pain in the ass he thinks he is.  That needing regular care and attention and honesty doesn't make him a bad partner.  That this is kind of something I enjoy and try to do with my partners regularly.

He then brought up the idea of play at Pennsic, and how I felt about it.  About having other partners, or things happening, or public play, or whatever.  How he didn't want me to feel ignored in any of it.

And, these are things that we've talked about several times before.  We check in with each other pretty often if we know we're going to do something with someone new, or if we feel any bad vibes with a situation.  Again, that open honesty that creates trust and sometimes removes issues.  I made sure to tell him that if in the rare chance I wanted to do anything with anyone new, I would continue to get permission from him first, and reminded him that the only person I might awkwardly try anything with is the fire spinner who I found online after last year (I wanna touch the butt!).

We tried to discuss how we felt about one night stand type things, and agreed we weren't terribly fond of it.  That we may have an unspoken rule of hanging out first to get a vibe, and negotiations and that happy crap out of the way, especially before sneaking them into camp, and kicking them out afterward.

Sometimes, those awkward difficult times lead to strengthening foundations elsewhere.  I'm glad we talked about those things, and I hope I gave him peace of mind before we adventure together.