Thursday, July 20, 2017

Odd One Out

So, this person who was projecting the other day.  What was he projecting about you may have asked?

Well, he's been consistently saying lately that he doesn't feel like he is represented anywhere, and that he has no specific place that he fits into and belongs.  That he feels like an outlier.

And I think that was why he was trying to claw for something.  He wanted to cling to an idea that he could relate to, that it would give him something he held in common.

But, you'd think that he would have looked at me, and realized that he was talking to the wrong person in that moment.

I can't actually remember a time at which I was around incredibly similar people.  My friends are generally of a different gender.  Any nerdy circles I go into often don't share my other hobbies.  My taste in media is often odd.

I'm a weirdo, and that's never been something that bothered me.

I don't look for a circle to fit into.  I look for singular people to bring into my life and be decent friends.  People who accept that I am weird, and unrepentantly me.  That I am going to be odd in any scene, and rather than that make me a freak, that makes me shine.  That I bring something new and original to everything I do, and everywhere I go.

Being different is what you make it.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Don't Understand

I had an exchange with someone the other day, where simply poking fun, and a single comment spurned a spiral of butthurt that I couldn't comment on there any longer because I knew it wouldn't be heard.

However, I knew a good chunk of it was mistargetted projecting, and I very nearly flipped.

This person, who I will admit is of a minority, happened to say that I didn't know about under-representation or toxicity in the geek community.

Let that sink in.

Give it a minute.

Read it over again.

He told an Agender female bodied person who attends events and hobbies solo that they don't understand toxicity in geek culture.

Because, when I was a young teen, there were tons of girls playing magic who didn't just do so because their boyfriend did.  That I was spoken to as though I knew the game, and that people didn't just think they could take advantage of me.  That my consistently goth and masculine preference was absolutely accepted by everyone.

And that a few years later, I didn't have guys hopping in front of me at larps.  That I was treated like a competent fighter, and not just like a piece of meat.  That men weren't intimidated by me, and constantly tried to target me.

I've never given a shit about toxicity in the geek scene.  I know most of the guys out there are assholes who think they have something to prove.  I know I intimidate people, and I know I can back up every word I say when I walk up to someone.  However, I am more aware than anyone of the toxicity in this world, and to even bring it up to me in any context as though I'm unaware is simply a cry of your own insecurity.

(Written before going to play D&D with old larpers and while listening to video game music)

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Don't Always Work

I've noticed the term "Queer" becoming a catch-all for most people who fall into non-hetero or non-cis folks.  And I know that for a long time it was considered a slur, and this is sort of the phase of taking it back, and giving the term a more positive presence.  It's increasingly common amongst a lot of people I know as a way of explaining orientations, and I just can't get used to it.

I don't remember myself ever using it as an insult in any way, but I did say queer by its literal definition as being strange or abnormal.  It was definitely a part of my long goth phase where I wanted to sound poetic and cool.  Then I just became a goth that didn't give a fuck.

Anyway, even though time has passed, it still takes the same place in my head, and now, that's very conflicting.

You have people claiming to say that there is no normal in terms of sexuality and gender, and heteronormativity is something to be fought against so they can be acknowledged as the same as anyone else.  Under the same breath though, they describe themselves as abnormal because they aren't under the heteronormative umbrella.  It's more than a little hypocritical, and I don't know how many people catch that.

I'm wondering if the movement is just something to feel like they belong to something, after actually feeling queer for long due to the idea of normality being pushed on them.  Now that we are fighting for this visibility and equality amongst people though, the word loses a lot of meaning when it's increasingly more common to be in a room with a person who isn't either heterosexual or cis-gendered.

I feel like it's a case where if you're fighting for one, it removes any progress by trying for both.

Sunday, July 09, 2017

Stupid, silly, funny things

To start this off, I need to explain a couple small things in order to get even more humor from this.  

My sister and I both have broad shoulders, and small breasts.  Boobs never really appeared for us, and even through my pregnancy, I simply actually fit into the B-cup bras that I'd only had because my mother refused to accept that I was actually an A-cup.  My mother on the other hand, has ginormous boobs, and has often spoken of her disbelief of my chest size.  To mess with her further, I often point out while finding clothes for squishy, that bras my size can be found in the children's section.

Anyway, on to the silliness.

Apparently, while squishy was gone, my mother had bought her training bras, because I don't know why.  The evening after she got home, she was laying with me as we watched something nerdy, and ma was trying to get her away to be up her butt and get her ready for bed.

Ma got Squishy into her room by asking if she'd seen the new things in her room.  Squishy, thinking this was the books she was only mildly interested in (because my mother is bad at knowing what Squishy actually enjoyed) walks in slowly, thinking that's the end of it.

I then hear her ask what something else is for, and then she comes in to my room, saying that she had new bike shorts for under dresses, and bras.

Now, Squishy is eight.  She still has a couple years until puberty kicks in, and has no need whatsoever for bras.  I walk in, because this is obviously my mother just deciding to buy needless shit again.  Ma says they're for undershirts, which I still think is a little bit bullshit, and take a look.

They look like sports bras, and are a kids large, which is still too big on her, but ma buys everything too large for Squishy, and makes excuses, but doesn't stop Squishy from hating most of it.  I look at the size of the bras, and say they might fit me.  Ma starts hollering that they won't fit, and that they're a children's.  Refusing to let this opportunity go to waste, I take the hanger with both bras into my room, giggling like crazy, as Squishy follows me in.

Welp, they fit.  And not like snug digging in.  They fit perfectly, with plenty of stretch left in the fabric.  Squishy and I can't stop giggling as I walk out of my room to show ma, and she can't help but grumble, still in disbelief that I fit into kid's training bras.

About to turn twenty-nine, still look sixteen, and able to fit into bras for grade schoolers.  Things that I will always giggle over.

Thursday, July 06, 2017

Four Years

I looked down at the date on Tuesday, while having a particularly difficult day for a ton of reasons, and realized that it was four years to the day since Thrax and I broke up.  I mentioned it to Lux, and that I should do something he would have hated.  He jokingly just said "Yea, forget about him."

 And while yes, it's best not to dwell on the past, and it's not like I went out of my way to remember it, or had even thought about it before that moment, it's not the best thing to completely forget.

I don't think back on him fondly.  I don't think about it and blame myself.  I think about it, and remember the things he did.  How often he lied, or kept secrets, or tried to manipulate me, gaslight me, and use me to do whatever he wanted with disregard for myself.

I try not to fixate on it, but I do think about it and feel glad that it's been gone from my life.  That I keep it in mind so I never do deal with it again.  It's something to acknowledge and learn from, which means never forgetting what I learned and why.

So, yes, this is something to remember and celebrate.  Celebrate that I've grown beyond abusive partners.  That I won't stand for any shit.  That surrounding myself with healthier people is something that promotes growth in itself, and means I will continue to grow so much further than they ever will.

Sunday, July 02, 2017

Sometimes Boys are Good and Cute and Dumb

Right now, a ton of vidja games are on sale, and so this week has had a super dopey thing going on, but it's kind of funny in its own way.

I decided it was a good time to pick up some new games for myself, as they are really cheap, and my wish list was piling up.  I had a gift card I'd use to get a couple little things for myself, and something for Lux and I to play together.

Well, I asked him which of two games he'd rather play with me, having told him about them both in the past, and that we would probably have a lot of fun with them.  Instead of getting a response, he buys me both, with a note saying he was sorry for being a dick lately.  Well, not only was he not being a dick lately, but now I needed to figure out what to get all over again.  I had wanted to be nice, and not make him buy games for once, and he did it anyway.  Which in ways was irritating, and cute, but still a little disheartening because I had wanted to be the one to pick things up for a change.

So, I'm trying to figure out what to do now, and realize that I can pick up something for Pyre that I have, as well as Lux and Kitty, so we can all play together.  I run the idea by Kitty, and he immediately says that he loves the idea, and is going to leave money for Pyre to buy the game himself, but I'm to tell her what to get.

Well, damnit.  I had wanted to get it, and yet another boy jumped out in front of me.  And I know they're being helpful, and it is cute, but they're also keeping me from helping.

So I bought her the game first, before he had the chance.  Because I wanted to help and send fun things.

I also may have sent her an anime boobylady game because I had enough left after picking up what I wanted.  So, I get to help extra.  Even Lux said it was a good idea.

I'm helping!

Thursday, June 29, 2017

A Hopeful Wake up

A while ago, my mom and I were out to lunch after running a bunch of errands.  We're sitting in a local diner, waiting on our food, and she mentions how my old man refuses to do anything for himself, and has never actually had to do for himself.  We talk about it for a bit, and then she makes the comment of "You had better hope I outlive him, so that you don't have to take care of him."

And I didn't even pause before responding.  I told her that she had better hope one of her other kids steps up, because I'm not doing it.  That with how he treats me every day if he says I'm too stupid to have a conversation with, that I'm too stupid to take care of him.

I said it very plainly, and sternly, and she just looked at me as if something clicked and she was afraid.  She didn't argue, or respond in any way, and just sat quietly for a moment.  As if in that moment, she realized that her husband is actually abusive, and that I sit and tolerate more than she knows, but that there are some consequences.

At least, I hope that's what it was.

Because if this is something that actually sticks, in a way that didn't cause he to just attack me where we were, she may have started to get the necessary kick in the ass of just how toxic the two of them are.

They've both fought growth and emotional maturity for so long that it's going to take more than just that one kick in the ass, but if this is the first step, maybe some day I'll actually be treated like a person.

I doubt it though.  I'm probably much better off just permanently cutting them from my life at the first chance.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Hippy Dippy Junk

I like to consider myself pretty low maintenance in the scheme of things.  I don't do any real stuff for my skin, and use cheap soaps and shampoos.  My makeup comes from the drugstore, and I'm not into all sorts of vitamins and meds all the time.

And this is where the warning comes up.  This is gonna contain a ton of talk about my cycle and bits.  If you wanna be a weenie, go away.

I've been getting my period like clockwork since I was ten.  The only times I've ever not gotten it right on time is either when I was pregnant, or twice because my stress levels were through the roof.  In fact, I got the IUD I currently have (and plan to stick with, but more on that in a minute) because it would not remove my period.

However, even though it was regular, and my flow has never been super incredibly heavy, I have also always had absolutely intense pain during my period.  When I was a teenager, and trying to tell my mother about it, she would say she was going to call the doctor, and never did because she didn't want to feel like she had to get an exam herself as well.  By the time I could have called and found a doctor myself, I was pregnant, and had to go for that anyway.

While in high school, I would often have to go home early because the pain was so bad, and considering my own pain tolerance on a normal basis, should say something about how extreme my period has been.  Once I got my IUD, one of the most common side effects was heavier period cramping, and I still decided on it, because the pros to me outweighed the cons so much.

Well, it turned into me feeling like I was in labor for several days every month.  I would take pain meds, and it was like a roll of the dice every time to see if they would even work.

Recently, I decided that I'm done with this level of pain, and I needed to find something that would make it a little easier.  I picked up a heating pad, but before that, I started taking tumeric.  It's supposed to help with inflammation, and can help with cramping and lighten flow.

A month later, I get no warning cramps to say my period is going to happen like I normally would.  A few days later, and my period arrives with no other physical symptoms.  The next day, I should be in excruciating pain, but feel my uterus contracting with no cramps.  It's the weirdest feeling ever.

Eventually, I did feel some cramping, but nothing near what I had the month before, and a dose of ibuprofen took care of it without issue.  My period was also a day shorter than normal.

I may be low maintenance about almost everything, but if one supplement a day means my period is tolerable and I can function better through it, I'm all about it.

Slowly, I may be becoming a crotchety old hippie.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Unfortunate Lessons

It seems like the end of the year is always really hard for Squishy.  She's now done with school for the year, and the last month or so has been a lot of talking with her about things.

There are some girls in her class that would flip flop with day by day.  One day she'd be telling me they were attacking her, lying to everyone about her, and yelling at her on a near daily basis.  Then she comes home and says they were nice and asks me if they can come over.

And, I know I can't control who she's friends with.  I can however try to talk to her about what is and isn't healthy behavior in people you keep as friends.

She later would tell me about how she would get told off and attacked whenever she didn't want to play the same things as them, and would even do what they wanted for a little bit of time, wanting to compromise, and they would go off on her.  Then, whenever she would ask if someone else in the class wanted to play, these girls would walk up and say they were already going to play with them, not even giving these kids a chance to answer.

It's hard to explain to an eight year old that even though someone is attacking her, she isn't do anything wrong.  That she needs to just keep being her, and that she is a good person at heart, even if she does have a hell of a bossy streak, and does still need to learn a lot.

I've had to explain to her that anyone who only wants you around when you just follow and blindly obey isn't the kind of person you want to be around.  That healthy, decent people consider those around them, and find a way to make themselves happy while doing so.  That friends can argue every day, but those arguments aren't attacks, and you don't use the other person as a distraction to do things you know are wrong.

It's the things you don't think about as a parent that are the hardest sometimes.  And they're important things to learn in life, but you still hate seeing your kid have to learn them, especially so young.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Stuck on a Theory

So, I said I would talk more about Zero, and things going on with him that have me rather cranky.

I had to be all pride though, cause it's the thing to do.

Last time I talked to him, I was trying to make plans for us to hang out, because it's been a while, and he keeps saying he's missed me.  I made a few suggestions of dates that worked with his schedule, and he started saying that he wasn't sure, and might be hanging out with "the girlfriends".

To which, I asked if this new girl had flat out said she wanted poly and to date.  He said "Not yet, but just taking it day by day".  Bitch, if you already started calling this person your girlfriend, when she isn't, and hasn't yet said she wants to be, you aren't taking it "day by day".  You're reaching for an ideal situation in your head, and don't want to accept that things might not be that way.

We continue talking though, and he fills me in that this girl has a ton of serious medical problems.  Like, life threatening, long term permanent medical problems.  And I tell him that he needs to just be patient, and present, and that she probably doesn't have spoons for a relationship on top of everything else.  That just being there might be all that she can handle right now.

He agrees, and we keep talking.

Then he drops the line "I will have her.  She will be mine"

And I'm immediately saying in a most furious manner, "The fuck you say?  Be happy that she is there.  Be happy just having a part of her life.  Don't fixate on a title or specific relationship."

He says very plainly "I'm not after a title"

Ok, you're already calling her your girlfriend, and saying you want her to be "yours".  You are after a title, you are after a picture perfect closed poly triad, and won't see any other situation, and that's being a piece of shit.

If your ability to be happy with a person is entirely dependent on the title and situation attached to them, you don't give a shit about the person.  He isn't interested in building a friendship with this person, just blindly pushing for a picture in his head, and that's shitty for everyone involved.  Unfortunately, no matter how much I repeat myself, it appears he is too fixated to understand that.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Pride Part Are You Tired of This Yet?

Happy Agender day!

As much as this is something that I've actually used to identify me for the shortest time, it's something I've been aware was different about me since I was my daughter's age or younger.

That I didn't recognize any sort of difference between people in regards to their gender, but simply found myself getting along better with boys.  Apparently, the gender divide was already there and strong, because other girls had a lot of issues with that, and attacked me over it.

As I got older, and started to actually have some personal agency over myself (because my family) I found myself wanting to present more masculine, and of course my family then started to shame on me, and again refuse to let me look the way I wanted.  My father still hates that I keep short hair, but he can blow goats.

No real terms for me have ever fit.  In fact, most gendered terms besides pronouns kind of make my brain tweak because they just feel wrong.  Even though I can't correct the majority of people I come into contact with because I know it'll be just cause me to be attacked and gaslit, even though I feel like it's something that fits me correctly.

Since actually deciding on this, I feel more like me.  As though I can embrace this as something that explains me in a more true fashion, that gives me a static identity and leaves no expectations on how I have to be.

This gives me the chance to feel like me, and so much more than when I was younger, and didn't understand why I couldn't just be a person.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Pride Part Two!

Is Polyamory day!

I always want to type polyarmoury.  Nope, that's Lux's closet.

Poly is something I've had to do a lot of talking about lately.  With Zero in his situation (more on that later on because holy hell) it's been kind of awesome to realize that this is an aspect of my life I can actually reflect on and talk about, rather than only having shitty experiences, or flailing with nerves.

Also, I still swear I'm the only person who could manage to accidentally poly.  No idea how to pick up partners even if I wanted to.  Cute boys fall into my lap apparently, and then I decide I like them.  Could be worse.  I think being a nerd that cooks helps.

Now, I'm the kind of person who doesn't preach any particular lifestyle as being better than any other.  So long as it's healthy, and fulfills the people involved, then it's awesome.  If it came down to it, I could probably have one partner again and be happy, so long as things were done in a respectful manner.

However, I don't want to do that right now, because cute boys are cute, and I would like to keep them around for a while.

My current poly situation, even with distance, has given me a ton of good experiences.  I feel like I can speak freely with them, which is something I have been able to do very seldom in my past, and even with many people in my life now.  I have no need to feel jealous, and while things are nowhere near perfect, they're each healthier dynamics than most people have probably ever had.

And, honestly, this isn't much easier or harder for me that any other type of dynamic to balance, other than having to make sure I give time to multiple people.  Distance really does make it more difficult than anything, but both boys being around doesn't create nearly the challenge that I had anticipated.  That is probably partially due to me being mentally prepared for it needing a ton of work, and because they're both fantastic.

Unfortunately, I still need to keep quiet about things at home, which is incredibly unfortunate, but it's just one more thing on the pile of not being allowed to be me the vast majority of the time, and then being told I'm a thousand horrible things that I'm not on a daily basis.

The people that put you down for who you are don't want to accept the variations of the world, but this is something I am proud of, because I am incredibly proud of the people in my life.

Thursday, June 08, 2017

Pride Part One!

It's pride month and shit!  And it just so happens that the days that would apply to me actually match my posting schedule!  Which means the next few posts are going to focus on an aspect of me is meant to be celebrated, because it's weird, and that's cool.

Today is Demisexual pride day, and I can clearly say this is something I've been more aware of for the longest time.  The fact that I'm attracted to so few people out there, that for a very long time I had no idea that sexual attraction was actually a thing, and that it was separate from emotional attraction.

Because it's something people especially don't talk much about when they're younger (and for reasons I'll probably get to in a post soon) I thought all this was normal.  As I got a little bit older and figured out what the actual difference was, I thought I was just really picky.  Incredibly picky, and awkward.

Well, the awkward part is right, but that has nothing to do with it.

See, almost every partner I've ever had was a friend first. and while I may not have had a real attraction to them (which is a relatively small percentage of the total) I've always been disinterested in doing anything on a "first date", one night stands, or random anonymous partners of any sort.

In fact, the more I got to know people even after being attracted to them, I didn't grow disinterested or complacent like many people do.  In fact, it's quite the opposite, and I find myself more attracted to them over time.

And it took a while for me to realize how out of the norm that was.  That many people leave their partners just due to not being attracted after a certain amount of time, or wanting to bone several people they see throughout the day.

I realized that my disinterest in porn was born from it.  That I could watch two people going through something and be bored out of my mind, but if a partner suggests it, I will jump at the opportunity, and be giddy to go about it.

Even though I am definitely in the minority with a lot of things due to this, I've never felt like it made me wrong at all.  It's just an aspect of who I am, and honestly, I'd rather be attracted to a few people in my life for the long term, rather than a million people for a few minutes.  Not that there is anything wrong with either, but this certainly seems to be the easier one for me, and it is an aspect of myself that I do take pride in, because it helps make me who I am.

Sunday, June 04, 2017

A Weird Club

Lux and I were chatting the other day, and he asked me if I'd seen Berserk.  I actually just watched it recently, so it was all fresh in my head.  Then he asked me if I felt like Griffith was justified.

If you don't know, Griffith is the leader of a mercenary group who starts taking on a lot of royal contracts, and gaining status while holding onto a cursed pendant.  At one point, he is captured, and tortured every day for three years.  He then is rescued by the protagonist Guts, and his second in command, Casca.  Shortly after, he sees the budding romance of the two of them, then triggers the Eclipse with his pendant, sacrificing his entire group to a collective of greater demons, in order to become a demon himself.  To top it off, he then rapes Casca in front of Guts, who is barely alive.

And, then he sort of helps some people after.

Here's the thing.  He's classically pretty in the silver haired bishounen kind of way.  Which means that he honey dicks everyone.

There are literally piles of articles saying he was justified in doing this.

Needless to say, Lux and I are not in that party.

And, this is where it's gonna trigger every Tumblr feminist ever.

It's mostly women who write these articles, and say that he did nothing wrong.  And those women, are why there are so many predators in geek culture.  Yes, I will victim blame them when they wind up with the wrong person, and no, they get no sympathy from me.  These women romanticise and play pity party to characters just because they look lithe and pretty in a special anime way that honestly is normally saved for villains.  They watch him rape a major female character in front of her lover, the protagonist of the story, who previously considered this person his best friend, then say he did nothing wrong.  I'm sorry, but they're going to wind up in a shitty situation, because they think demonic rapists and perfectly fine and heroic characters.

And sure, there are people who will fetishize that and get off to it.  There's a ton of kinks that scene feeds.  There's a major difference in an aspect of a scene being hot, and excusing that behavior in a character and a person.

Lux and I agree he needs a pineapple tree shoved up his ass.  Not just a pineapple, the whole plant.

And the more people who feel that way, the less welcome predators will feel.

Thursday, June 01, 2017

Welcome Change

Last weekend with Memorial Day, the beast was gone with the gnome for a while, and I had figured on spending the time cleaning through things that really needed sorting, reading, and catching up on a ton of things that I need to start forcing myself into head first.

Well, Lux was just back from a trip to see his family on the island, and wasn't sure when he was headed home.  One morning, he asked what I was up to, and I'm pretty sure my answer didn't matter.  He said he was going to pick me up so I could help him with some things, and we could spend time together.

It was a day out of nowhere, and he was pulled in many different directions mentally, but in several ways, almost seemed like he was better put together than he has been in a while.  And honestly, a lot of things are more resolved now than they were a while ago.  So many things that were up in the air have been decided on, and I think it's brought him peace of mind.  He's been much more affectionate again, and I don't know if that's him forcing it to find his normal, or if he's actually back to wanting that contact.

Either way, I think things are on the way to getting better there, and that things will be improving all around.

We even have plans for me to head north again at the end of June, which I'm looking forward to.

Sometimes, little things bring hope and that's all it takes to make things better.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Processing Problems

Sometimes, I'm reminded that I've learned a lot of things the hard way.  That with the amount of emotional or physical abuse I've dealt with, I do have a lot of typical traits that occur, but I've also picked up a lot of good from it.  I take the time to heal, and look at it all, and realize what is and isn't healthy or acceptable.

Recently, I've realized a few things.

That whole learning process is a very rare thing.

Without dealing with all that shit in the past, I didn't have those poor examples to look at, a lot of people I know just avoid confrontation and full healthy interaction.  They grow complacent, and figure that things don't need real work, or know how to speak of their own needs, because they've never really examined them.  I wouldn't have the mental pressure on myself to be a decent and present partner.

And likewise, after dealing with everything, and then taking the time to examine, I learned exactly what is toxic behaviors.  What really was and wasn't my fault, and what not to ever stand for.  I learned to fight back for my own needs and respect, to continue communicating, and that confrontation isn't a bad thing when done in a healthy manner, and without any malicious intent.

What I'm seeing so much lately though, is people afraid to talk.  Afraid that things from the past will happen again, despite having a different partner.  I see people who don't have that constant internal pressure to take care of everyone after not being cared for themselves.  There are people in my life right now who have such conflicting relationships, and I hear it from both sides, but yet they swear that everything is solid and stable and healthy, when really, they're just both afraid to be alone.

While I don't wish for what I've dealt with to happen to people, it has been advantageous to me since then, but only because I spent the time to learn from it.

Learn from everything.  Dig deep.  Grow constantly, and it'll make things better as time goes on.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Acknowledging Absence

I realized the other day that with the exception of little bits of dopey giggles, it's been months since I've had any sort of kink in my life.  That I grew complacent with it being absent from my life, and while I felt the occasional twinge for it, I found myself blaming my poor mental space for it, and dismissed it.

What I didn't do, was acknowledge how much kink helps me in the day to day.  How much it does give me peace of mind, and makes me function better in the day to day.  Kink and play boosts my mood, and all those wonderful bonding chemicals in my brain.

Unfortunately, my mental state is such that Fusion isn't an option for me.  I can't do any event that large essentially by myself, because for the most part, I will be.  That would have been a good opportunity for me to have play time, but there is too much else that it wouldn't do me much positive in the scheme of things.

I'm going to make it a point to start forcing myself to do more with my time though, and things that I enjoy, and that will do me good.  Part of that, is filling more of my life with kink and play to help myself, and hopefully whoever I spend the time with, to feel better.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Something to try and Shake

I know I said I was going to try and post less negative stuff this year, but holy hell, life saw that post and has been doing everything it can against that.

I've been consistently in one of the shittiest mindspaces I've ever been in.  Things at home consistently get worse, I've been stood up or dropped more times than I can count, and had more things be cancelled, pulled from me, or simply made no longer an option.

I'm feeling alone.  Alone and in constantly growing pile of shit that pulls me further and further from hope and happiness.  I absolutely notice a pile of key symptoms of depression in me, and they're all here and screaming.

A lot of things need to change even with so much stacked against me.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Can be Unspecific

Lately, Zero has been coming to me a lot with issues about poly stuff.

Mind you, he still hasn't actually been in a poly dynamic, but is striving for it.

And, I'm finding that he's becoming more reclusive, and at the same time just hunting for a third.  Like, giving people job requirements when meeting them of "This is the only role I'm looking for to have someone fill in my life right now"

And I looked at everything he was saying, and the issues he's having, and confronted him about them.

He wants a local support network.  People close by that he can confide in, and spend time with.  Well, I might think he needs to get rid of his current partner, because that relationship is toxic, and the things he says he wants he refuses to give to his current partner because he doesn't feel happy around her, but maybe meeting more people will help with that.

I told him though, that he doesn't need a romantic partner to create a support network.  Someone can be present and supportive regardless of the role in their life without being a partner, just like some partners only want a surface connection as a secondary relationship.  It is determined by the things that build over time, and the kind of people you bring in, and what everyone wants in life.

I told him to look just for connections and supportive people.  That stopping to desperately look for someone to fill one single box, will make more people willing to put time in with him.

And guess what, he found one.  Someone who might not be comfortable with poly, but wants to be involved, and show support, and give him time.

Of course, he comes to me again because his girlfriend is already feeling jealous and like things are one sided.

Well, he'll either figure out that he wants one healthy relationship elsewhere, or they'll put real work in to fix all of it, and realize how fucked what he has is.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Yet Another

It's Mother's Day again.  And I have to say, that since becoming a mom, I've had this day go from being absolute shit, to apathy over it, and now like all other holidays, feeling ignored.

It's a day when I have no voice, and am actively disregarded for no reason.  A day when I've been the target of abuse when others have fucked up.  

A day when I'm told I should be acknowledged, but then told that other people who are toxic as meant to be celebrated, and given whatever they want.

And so, it's become a day that I've come to actively hate.  A day where it just reinforces that everyone here looks at me like I'm not a person.  And I'm tired of it.

Because I am a person.  And I'm a mom because I was forced to be, and a damned caring one, that fights tooth and nail to teach and raise my daughter right.  I am worth celebrating, and I'm glad at least my kid knows that.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Maybe some men sometimes?

On Sunday morning, I was the first one out of bed.  I shambled my way down the stairs, and started the coffee.  As I sat down, with my warm mug of happy comfort, I took a few sips, and my mom shambled down as well, looked at me, and asked if I wanted to go to the flea market in search of produce.

The year round farmers market we would normal hit up is currently closed, so it's been hard to find decent produce, but the weekend prior we went to a further flea market, and found so much we stopped when we literally couldn't carry any more.

We went to one closer, which I've known had turned into a shit pile, but she insisted anyway.  As we walked from the parking lot, to find the fruits and veggies we hunted for, I found myself being the target of near constant comments.  People in near consistence either saying that I deserve an award for looking so much like a freak, about how fucked up my clothing was, or at the same time making passes in incredibly disrespectful ways.

My mother, being oblivious, didn't hear a single one, and to avoid her dealing with walking away and getting lost while I proceeded to punch every single one of them in the jaw, continued walking.
Then we went to a different market, and found a ton of stuff, and I have been munching on fruit since.  Hooray!

However, I noticed that every single person who was making those comments toward me were middle aged white men sitting by themselves.  Every single one.

And it just reinforces about most of the shit I've dealt with.

Mind you, I'm not a man hating feminist.  Most of my friends are now, and have always been guys.  I have a wonderful collection of respectful and fantastic men in my life, and I know I will find more throughout time.

It seems like there is just this generation or so of guys, that just feel entitled to be assholes.  From my dad and uncle, to people I find in the street, to people I talk to at events, and all others.  But it seems like some age bracket just feels like they can treat someone with less respect just because they don't have the same genitals, or dress the same way.

And I know, there are outliers in everything, but holy hell, does it feel like the percentage goes up with age.

I look forward to treating people with more respect as further generations come about, and the assholes become less and less acceptable.

Sunday, May 07, 2017

Ready to Stick

I've been trying to actually do more to pursue getting into better shape.  Of course, it's all hard to actually do here, as I fight for healthy foods, and then see only meat and potatoes in my fridge.  I'm trying to make the most of the little things in the house, and create small adjustments to eat better, and feel better.

It's much harder to do this time around, than when I lost all the weight after Squishy.  I've cut out most sugars comparatively, and don't drink many calories, as well as limit processed foods to a minimum.  What worked the first time still exists, so the only place to really go from here isn't much of an option in my current situation.

And there isn't much advice out there for people in my situation.  Apparently the average person lives off fast food, never exercises, and chugs soda and frilly coffee drinks.  Obviously making changes from that will cause massive differences.  There isn't much out there for people who already have longstanding healthier habits formed, but just want the next step past there.

However, I'm trying, and it's sort of working.  I'm putting on more muscle, and my posture is improving again, as well as losing bits of mass overall.

Still not feeling like me, but I'll get there.

Thursday, May 04, 2017

By my Lonesome

Lux and I were having a conversation in a diner about a handful of things while I was up there, prior to some grocery shopping that needed to get done.  It was a few really important things we needed to go over, on several topics, and then apparently I reminded him of something that he often forgets about.

When we go out places, I'm usually with someone.  I very rarely walk anywhere at night by myself, even though Lux encourages me to go out by myself if he decides to stay in when we go out to something on the larger side.

He forgets though, that as someone small, and female bodied, who is pretty blatantly sex positive, and while I intimidate women, a lot of men who don't shy away from me tend to look at me like an easy target.  In fact, there have been very few venues I've gone to where at some point someone didn't try to go further than I was comfortable.

And Lux knows that I'm not an easy target, because I'm going to keep anything I don't want happening from taking place.  I'm almost always armed, and they don't know that I've got more fight in me than the vast majority of people.  Hell, he's seen me handle things before.

But that's the thing.  I don't want to have to handle things everywhere I go.  I don't want to have to deal with being a target.  I deal with it too much already, and practically go through the motions of getting rid of someone when they try to corner me against something.

And if just having someone else there fixes that, even if I'm the one that is actually more of a threat, then that's what I'll do to just avoid the situation.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

On Empty

This week has been incredibly draining.  Every day there has been something else happening that has just left me more and more fried.

The old man has been throwing screaming fits telling me how I'm too stupid to function.  This is after I am asked to literally put cookies on a plate for him to offer people who come over and prepping a pot of coffee, because he admits he "can't handle doing that" himself.

Gnome has been bringing Squishy home super late on weekends he takes her, both on a holiday (so she spent none of it with us, making my mom a pissy pain in the ass to boot) and on a school night.  Not only that, but I sent her with a school project over her spring break, and in that week, and the weekend after they had barely anything done, but swore they'd get it done this weekend.  I told him to just bring it down, and we'd finish it.  Well, there was so little done, and almost all incorrect, which meant we needed to do it all over, in a week before it was due.  What took him over a week to barely start, the beast and I did in three days, and we needed to pick up a new printer.

She also had a color run at school for a fundraiser.  That on the bright side was fun because it meant I got to throw color at the kids.

Lux had some stuff happen with his family, and had to change his plan to come south this weekend.

And I had to write out a really hard email to Kitty, that we still haven't gotten to talk about much, but we will soon.

Ma was in a car accident.  She's fine, and the car drives, but the passenger door is gonna need work.

I feel drained.  Like I'm running on empty.  I feel like I need a beating (after this sunburn from the color run heals) and an adventure, and some form of stability.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Crisis Vision

Even when I was a teenager, I got calls when shit hit the fan.  Massive things happened, and I was the person who could figure out what to do.  The one who reminded other people to breathe, and stayed calm and handled things.

For some reason, I kept my composure during these massive explosions.  I can keep cool, and direct things, and figure out what to do, and help everyone, or take action myself.

The little things though.  They tear me apart.  I freak, want to curl up in a ball, and hit things, and scream.

And, I think it's because there is so little I can do.  With an abusive household, the little things happen a lot, and it winds up turning into me venting to Lux a lot, even though he doesn't deserve it with everything else going on right now.

Little issues, and small problems with people being assholes get to me way more than they should.

And, I think it's that those little things are so constant.  So consistent, and without me able to just do what's necessary to fix it they all pile up, where the larger more immediate crises are big yes, but get handled, and eventually come to a close.

Maybe, the little things after so long aren't so little, and that's why I have such a shitty time with them.

Sunday, April 23, 2017


So, I'm pretty open with the general public about the goings on in my life.  About kink, and poly, and gender, and all those things.  Obviously, I don't let it take over conversation with my vanilla friends, and am able to keep things professional and appropriate when needed, but I don't feel a need to hide that from every other aspect of my life.

At home though, I deal with listening to my parents spewing all the bigoted shit about how so many people who aren't almost completely heteronormative are broken, sick, looking for attention, or a thousand other things.  I listen to them reference things I identify with, and that they believe those people demented.  They tell me that because I don't have a stereotypical relationship, I'm being taken advantage of, and that I'm just being stupid.

And so even though I'm not gay, or trans, I'm in the closet at home, with so many aspects of my life.

It's stressful honestly, and I don't know how so many people do it with everyone for so many years of their lives.  I absolutely don't blame them for taking so long to trust people, and constantly worrying.

Because with them, and anyone they know I'm abusive, abused, and disturbed only because I like kink.

I'm a cheating horrible bitch of a homewrecker because I have more than one partner.

I'm looking for attention, and delusional because I'm agender.

But the fact that I have been abused is just because I'm a stupid piece of shit, not because I wasn't taught what healthy interaction is.

They prove my point just with that.

And this is why I try to explain so much to my daughter, because while I may not be able to tell her everything out of fear of my family finding out, she can become aware and accepting of that in others.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

My Own Skin

I've been thinking a lot about how looking like me, and feeling like me helps my mood.

I went through my old clothes a while ago, and got rid of a lot of stuff that fit poorly, or was getting old, or things that had been bought for me that I just hated.  Since then picking out clothes makes me feel like I'm being me, rather than having to force myself to act like me while in someone else's clothes.

I generally dress very differently how society would deem "normal", or a preferred way from anyone else in my house, and a lot of people I know.  I also have a lot of things about my appearance that have me regularly getting stared at in public, and told are bad or stupid decisions.

Here's the thing though.  The choices I make about my appearance are the kind of thing that is damn near impossible to actually get me down on.  Because those things make me who I am.  They make me feel like me, and I can't be brought down for that.  My goal isn't to just follow fashion, or dress in a way that makes my dysmorphia scream just to shut other people up.

Fighting my dysmorphia means doing things that make me feel like I'm in my skin rather than someone else's.  It means having a body that feels and looks like mine.  My tattoos, and my piercings help me feel like my body is me, and the way I dress helps too.

I think the biggest thing I've ever had to learn over time is that I am me, and I need to embrace that.  Anyone who wants me to be someone else isn't worth my time.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Little but Fierce

The day after I arrived in the frozen north, Lux and I went grocery shopping for the week.  He was happy not to have to cook for a week, and I enjoy grocery shopping, and cooking.

As we were checking out, Lux found a cashier that he normally flirts with the entire time.  As he's trying to casually flirt in the same way that he usually would, and I very clearly have no problem with it, being polite, and bagging things up so they can talk, she suddenly gets very quiet, and even moreso as I respond to Lux.

We walked out, and went to load up the truck, and I pointed out something to Lux that I've been meaning to write about anyway.

Most women are incredibly intimidated by me.

More often than not, women treat me like shit because they don't know how to act around me.  I mesh very well with more masculine people, put off a very masculine energy, and generally don't give a fuck what people think of me so long as they are respectful.  Women in general seem to not know what to do with that.  It's caused a lot of women to either treat me like shit if they're also interested in my partner, or be incredibly distant, which honestly isn't going to help them, so I don't know why they do it.

I've apparently been the source of a few break ups in my time, because I became the friend of a guy, and we would hang out, and be nerds, and I'd become a bro in a totally platonic way.  Because they were either insecure, or just didn't believe a female bodied person could be friends with a guy without it becoming anything more, it would create explosions, and destroy the relationship.

I think it's weird, and sometimes, it's funny.  Women who are dishonest, or manipulative, or have any of a plethora of negative traits can be friends with each other, but because they are more feminine or avoid men as friends because they feel like you can only speak to someone of a gender you're attracted to if you want to have sex with them.

People can deal with the fact that I am strong, and that I can be a force of nature.  But honestly, dealing with that just means treating me like I am a person, with simple respect and decency.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Unseasonably Warm

For being in the frozen north, it feels really close to summer time.  I decided to spend some of the afternoons on the balcony, because it's nicer out, and it almost feels uncomfortably warm.

Oh well, I'll take being outside again.

It's been a good couple days as of writing this.  Lots of snuggles, and talking about stuff going on currently and planning ahead.  We've made jokes about how we usually get nothing done together when we have so much time, constantly using the excuse that we have enough chance to get to it, and simply never do.  That we opt to simply snuggle up, and do the little cute things together, but when we only have a weekend, we rush for everything.  I find it really funny how long this has simply happened for us.

It's been nice just relaxing though.  It's noticeable how much we enjoy the little things we do, and how they make us happy even if we are poking at each other.

Also, I think people are confused when they see or hear us being ourselves together.  Lux was playing video games with his friends, and had things set up to I could talk with them too, and at one point I did something to cause him to start punching me as I giggled on the couch. It wasn't any sort of anything special because people were listening, but just how we interact.  Luckily, his friends are also kink friendly, or it probably would have caused some questions.

So far, it's been a very happy visit.

Sunday, April 09, 2017

Very Separate Categories

I've had very similar conversations a few times in the last week, and once even in regards to this current trip to see Lux.  It has to do with bratty behavior, and where the lines lie between healthy, being an asshole, and manipulation.

This is one of those things where I think being a switch gives me a bit of an advantage in knowing where those lines are, but I also try to be as respectful of people as possible, and keep track of their personal lines.

I have no problem saying that I'm a brat when it comes down to it.  I sass people, cause trouble, make mischief, and press buttons.  I however, see when someone is legitimately busy with something, and know when they don't have the personal bandwidth to deal with me poking.  Adapting to situations, and respecting requests and being aware is part of being a decent partner, friend, and person.

It's easy to hit the point of being an asshole, or down right manipulating someone and trying to pass it off as playful bratting.  Feeling justified in pulling someone from what they want to do, or need to do isn't fun.  Continuing beyond the point of playful poking to where someone legitimately gets angry doesn't mean they can't handle having a brat, it means the other person doesn't respect lines.  For me, it effectively becomes similar to a consent violation in many cases.

Likewise, using bratty behavior to replace communication isn't a healthy action.  Being able to speak and share needs as well as be able to have the fun giving sass creates a healthy and trustful dynamic between any people.

It comes down to being receptive.  Be aware of the people you're with, and share words as necessary, know the state of the people you're poking, and the places and times not to poke.

Being a brat is an exercise in awareness.

Thursday, April 06, 2017

Necessary Adventure

Tomorrow, the wee beastie goes off with the gnome over her spring break from school.  That means over a week when I don't need to be home to watch over her.  

Which means that the next morning, I start a long trek of trains to head north and spend time with Lux, which I'm looking forward to more than I can say.  

It's been a long time since I've been up there.  Almost a year honestly, and I miss getting to have time just with him up north.  We also haven't had much chance to spend any sort of extended amount of time together in far too long.  

We've both hit the point where that distance has created that purely imaginary paranoia.  I recognized it a while ago, and I think getting to spend some serious time together will help.  Getting to relax, and enjoy time, and not try to cram a couple of hours with each other will definitely do us both good.

We managed to go a long time with this distance, and the last year has really been a test with far less time together, and far more things happening.  This week should be a good thing.

Sunday, April 02, 2017

Made for it

Quite a while ago, Lux and I were talking about some of the effects of his being hurt by past partners.  How it affected us, and our dynamic.

And while yes, that hurt did cause our dynamic to change a lot, as well as take some steps back in several ways, Lux is the kind of person who thrives when he has multiple partners.  I've noticed a few times that when he has a pool of active partners, he tends to be more affectionate and connected and move further with all of them.  When it's just us, he's present and attentive, and I don't feel ignored in any way, but there is massive change when he has another partner there.

It's amazing in some ways.  To see how someone thrives as a partner, just by having someone else there.  And I know I'm not lacking in any way that I don't bring that out in him, but simply that he is wired in a way where he best fits into a open poly situation.

I'd need to ask Lux to be certain, but I feel as though it doesn't matter how many partners I have, and that so long as I have presence from whatever the number is, I tend to be very connected and caring to whoever is there.  I also don't necessarily feel drawn toward any particular thing.  I'm happy just having supportive people.

It's interesting, just seeing how one dynamic can cause another one to flourish.  It's a constant balance and there is always risk, but the reward is there, and that's the part to be grateful for.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

A Strange First

Last weekend, I attended my first public yoga class.  Even when I taught dance at a yoga studio, I didn't make it to a class.

My wifey friend knows the owner of a brewery, and they have a fancy yoga class every other week, then reward everyone with a flight of adorably tiny beers.  We decided to go as a way to kick off a new set of dance classes after going to a hafla together recently.

I've got to say, there was a lot of weird things about it, and not all of them were bad.

When we got there, we went up the stairs, and I saw a bunch of people around the room, and noticed there was a good mix of different body types, and a handful of guys in the class.  Of course there were a good chunk of super super skinny girls all in designer yoga pants that probably cost more than all the clothing in my closet, and overpriced mats.  I giggled to myself when the teacher asked who had done yoga before, and they all said it was their first time, as I am there in my loose thai fisherman pants that were as cheap as possible, and my old mat from a big box store.

At the beginning of class we were encouraged to make whatever modifications we felt we needed to feel right while moving, and I took advantage of that.  I went into the full expressions of every pose, holding them with strong posture, or even doing things that I know make them a little harder, because I needed that to feel a challenge, and not just go through the motions.  I noticed that even as one of the heavier people in the room, I had some of the best form and flexibility.  I also made my friend lose balance at one point because I decided to move into a headstand and an arm balance in the middle of a pose and she started giggling.

It was a bit affirming in a way.  That I'm making progress with what I do, even if I don't see it normally.  Also that proof of how surprisingly strong and flexible I am compared to the average person.  While I don't think it's something I need to do all the time, I think going to classes and having those reminders once in a while needs to happen in the future.  Just as that little proof that you don't need to be a size 0 and have name brand gear to be proficient in something.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Wrong Way

I put a lot of focus into trying to instill a good sense of right and wrong when it comes to the wee beastie.  Not just for how she should act, but in the actions of others around her, and what is acceptable, and what she should never allow or back down from.

Unfortunately, my parents are a constant example of everything she should never do or allow.

With very few exceptions, I make sure to respect whenever Squishy says she doesn't want hugs, or when I've snuggled her up too much and she wants a bit of space.  In return, she knows to respect that from me, and while we might pout a little if one says no, it's never meant maliciously.

However, lately she hasn't wanted to hug my parents at all.  They openly treat me with very little respect, and try to force Squishy to show affection when she doesn't want to.  Usually she tries to run away in order to avoid it, and often winds up wanting to hug me.  Every time I ask her, she just says she doesn't want to hug them, and I don't blame her.

If their trying to force her wasn't bad enough, my mother has openly been throwing screaming fits about it, saying that Squishy is acting horribly and taking advantage of her. 

Um, excuse me?

My daughter wants to show affection to those who respect her as a person, and you have a problem with that?

Of course you do, because you see no problem with treating people like shit and acting like it's perfectly fine.

So, I sat Squishy down, and talked to her about gaslighting.  About examples that she's seen, and why it's bad, and that if people ever do it to her, or to others around her, to stand up and fight against it.

I shouldn't have to explain this to an eight year old.  She shouldn't need to be aware of this yet.  And while yes, by the time she's grown, she'll already be strong willed, and be used to fighting against shit like this, she should have that time to be a kid.

And she already does fight back, and she comes to me and asks why some people don't respect when she tells people to back off, and it's hard to keep from just flat out saying that so many people in her life are emotionally abusive, and to never let people like them become a part of her life in the future.

Taking care of an infant was no problem.  Now that she's a person, and I need to prepare her for people in the world, that's the hard part.

Thursday, March 23, 2017


So, the other day Lux was feeling some kind of way, and after some encouragement, he sent me some nudes.  Which, I mean, getting to check out cute boys I like while they're far away is something I'm not going to complain about ever.

However, I saw very clearly that he was uncomfortable with it, which is not something normal for him.  We talked about it, and how he doesn't want to feel so self conscious anymore.  That I would help him figure out things to do about it, and affirmed that I will nom on him as much as necessary until he feels pretty again.  And then after, because I already think he's pretty.

Afterward, when he'd gone to work, and was busy in meetings, I thought about it more.  That his goal is to feel sexy again, and not feel so self conscious in front of a camera again.  And about how he wouldn't have much problem if I was on the other side of the room instead of a lens.  That usually I am reaffirming, and making contented grabby hands at him before climbing up and then clinging on like a koala while with him.

And, I realized I don't really know how to help him.  I don't know what feeling sexy is like at all in this point in my life, and so it would be hard for me to know what might instill that in someone else.  At the same time, because of that, and my dysmorphia on top of it, I have issues with being in front of people as well as in front of a camera.

With someone there, I feel too much like I'm faking everything.  The few times I had a partner force me to strip for them or whatever, I legitimately almost walked out because I hated it so much.  The entire time I wanted to curl up in a ball because I felt like I was being told not to be me.  And at the same time, because my dysmorphia kicks in, and the fact that the vast majority of any positive words regarding my appearance were just an attempt to get into my pants, I feel like they're seeing what I judge in myself, and that they feel the same way.  It is absolutely panic inducing, and something I've never been able to shake in the slightest.

At the same time without people there, it doesn't matter if I'm dressed or not.  Lately, my dysmorphia is at a point where even the aspect of being in front of a camera gives me anxiety, and having to look at the finished product is something I want to avoid like the plague.

I guess we both have work to do.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Balls First

To start off, a short story:

Kitty left the larp we attended before I did.  He was done there, and no longer having fun, and so he needed to leave.  As we were both doing logistics at the time, I took over, and continued to attend.  However, given the amount of time we spent together at events, no one really bothered trying to do anything with me because he was always there.

Well, literally the event after he left I'm walking up to where some people are hanging out to join in on conversation, and a guy who is a known douchebag walks up to me.  He cuts me off in my tracks, grabs me by the shoulders, and tells me he's high, and that he wants to drag me into the woods to fuck me.

Needless to say I'm a little put off by this and say something to the president of the larp.  He comes back to me later, telling me that he said he was just joking.

Um, excuse me, the fuck?  He's not my friend, and if he was, he'd know that any sort of joke like that would be met with a fist to the sternum.  

The next event, a friend and I are staying in a kitchen inside the building that gets used in winter as sleeping space.  I'm up against the wall, and he's across the center of the room.  We're each in our own little set ups, with several feet between each other.  Shortly after we go to bed, we hear the door open, and the same douchebag walks in, and I tell him the room is being used, and to go find somewhere else to sleep.  He asks if it's me, and I say yes, and tell him to go, because I'm tired, and want to go to bed.  

To which I hear him walking up, and unzipping his pants.  As he gets midway across the room, he nearly steps on my friend, who hasn't made a sound.  Douchebag asks who is there, and my friend just says "Hi" grabs his ankle, and twists it until he falls on his ass.  I tell him to go find somewhere else to sleep, and that if he ever comes near me again, he won't be able to.

And now we fast forward to present day.

I read an article the other day that talked about cismenfolk and sexuality.  That they're taught to be predators, that women are to simply fear it, and that it's simply excused away as how things work.  And, given the story above, I have some real world experience that this can be very true.  

It also talked about how men tend to be the one to pursue women, and they are rarely the ones feeling desired.  Which, in a lot of ways I also agree with.  It made me think of conversations I've had in the past, where friends who legitimately meant well would talk about how they were working on getting closer to a girl in order to have a chance at sex with them, and how I'd be telling them that if they have to work on earning sex, they aren't the person you should be having sex with.

It reminded me of a friend and a conversation I had with Lux lately.  About how our friend is throwing himself at people just for the chance of getting laid.  He's seeing women as a source of sex, rather than just people, and so he's attracting the type of women who will string him along while he hopes his dick might get wet at the end of the day.  

Here's the thing though, when you see people as a source of sex, either someone gets hurt, you wind up with sex you don't want, or sex that won't last.  It also is generally very visible, and if people see that desperation, they usually won't bite.  Which, again, starts to go back to the article.  At that point, the men crave feeling desired, but women are taught to repress their sexuality, and makes things way more difficult overall.

Now, I have no problem showing menfolk that I'm attracted to them (so long as they aren't awkward).  I however know that I am very much in the minority when it comes to actively showing men attention.  In return though, I notice that when men see that, they're either offput, or they treat me more like a person than before, which kind of creates more of a problem with it.

There's a lot of issues with how we're bred into sexuality, and it's going to take a while to break all of those habits.

Thursday, March 16, 2017


So, as a more lighthearted topic, something I often giggle at.

As much as I don't want to get old, stop doing things, or become ignorant to the world, I absolutely can't wait to become a crotchety old person.

Lux already says I'm a crotchety old man.

Sometimes, we sit together either on his balcony, or my back porch, or while camping.  We set ourselves up with a cigar, or our pipes, smoke something tasty, and sip rum.  We look exactly like an 80 year old couple yelling at the hoodlums running around outside.  It's probably adorable.

There are times even when it's just me, with a cigar and a drink, reading a book and hollering at anyone making too much noise.

The other day, a remake was made of my favorite NES game.  I went on an old person rant with a friend, about how back in my day, we weren't able to save our game, and limited lives, so we had to get good enough to beat the game in a day.  And we couldn't just leave the console on, because the cartridge would fuck up, and we'd have to remove it and blow in it to make it work again.

Friends and I will sit for an evening with a cup of tea, and yarn, and talk about how many people dismiss too much of everyday life.

Rather than buy junk food, I'd rather spend all the time and work to bake something myself, because store bought baked good just taste like sugar.

Fuck waiting, I'm impatient.  I'm a crotchety old man now, and I'm happy about it.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Signs from the past

It's been a long time since I've broken up with Thrax, and gone without an abusive partner in my life.  A long time since I've had that negative influence, and everything that comes with it.

In that time, I've learned a lot.  I've gotten stronger in a lot of ways, and discovered a lot about how I actually am when I'm encouraged to be me, and not having a partner trying to force me to be someone else, or that I'm undeserving of more.

Sometimes though, after dealing with it for that long, little things peek through.

I don't think past abuse ever really goes away at this point, because I deal with it all the time.

Always feeling the need to apologize, as though it's all my fault.  Being afraid to ask for anything, or help at any time.  Feeling panic when I do speak up about my own basic needs, because I've gone too far, and don't want to be attacked.

Even when I know the same things won't happen because I have healthier people in my life, I still deal with the same feelings years later.

The random triggers that come about in which I have to stop everything and talk myself down from, because they're related to such shitty events from my past don't go away.  I just keep finding new ones.

I notice the habits in others too.  Signs of too much gaslighting, and emotional abuse, and the effect it has now.

It's sad to think about, and worse to see, especially over time when the other people are far from our lives and minds.  Sometimes things take far too long to heal over completely.

Thursday, March 09, 2017


So, I found out some spoilers of the new Logan movie that came out recently.  Apparently, one of the main themes is the concept and lesson of "Don't become what they've made you into".  And, I think it's a hell of a theme for a story like that, and one that really gets into some of the nitty gritty of the old marvel comic universe, especially for a character like Logan.

But, when I heard that the theme was something like that, I thought about it, and how much I fought to be different from what others have tried to force me to be.

I was taught to cower.  To just take whatever others do to me, because they're entitled to treat me like shit.  I was taught to have to do without because I must be like others, and plan to fuck things up in exactly the same ways.  I was taught that wanting to be treated with respect made me uncontrollable.  That I should never ask for help, but expect to have to do absolutely everything for others.

I was taught to take advantage of people because of my size, and gender.  That I should play up the small and demure card to get people to do things for me.

I was taught to tell people what they wanted to hear, rather than the truth.  I was taught that I should accept lies and deceit and move on like nothing happened.  I was taught to forgive consent violations.

I was taught to be a princess and a doormat.

I was taught to be something that couldn't be farther from who I am.

And to be honest, because those people who taught me that were truly toxic, they all hate who I've become, and try to villainize everything that isn't they're ideal picture of a doormat that they want me to be.

To the point where when I started to actively fight back, I was sent to a therapist because there must have been something wrong with me.  And I told her what was happening.  It was met with the response that I was fine, and sane, and nothing was wrong with me.  That they were abusive, and toxic, and delusional, but I was so close to eighteen that they couldn't do anything.

And since then, anything that has been a form of self expression or independence has been actively used to put me down.  To shove me lower until I would hopefully give up and become what they wanted me to be.

But that's not me, and it can never be.

Sunday, March 05, 2017

A Reset

The other day, I started having a serious conversation with Kitty, and told him that I didn't think I could really get much positive from it until I got my baseline at a better state.  That we're all in a shitty place, and we all need to make these steps to get better, and then start making bigger improvements.

Later in the week, I was talking to Lux, and mentioned that I think a beating to catharsis would be good for me.  I also said that I wasn't sure if he was in a place where he would be comfortable beating me to that point.  That I was worried if he were to try, and he pushed himself too much I wouldn't be able to take care of him afterward.  That he wasn't in a state to be able to do that safely, even if he said he can.

And, it's a big thing to beat me to that point.  Honestly, I don't think it's ever been managed.  I hold on for too long, unable to relax, and let go, and with too high a pain tolerance for most people to get me there.

It's a tall order for any top, and given how few people I would trust to do it, means it's pretty much a very small chance for me to get there.

I suggested having someone else there, either as a way for Lux to tag out and take a moment mentally, or if he were to push, to be there to look after us both when it was done.  Which honestly might be the best plan regardless, because having someone there to start coffee and order pizza is important.

At this point, I'm in a state where while it would probably be one of the best things for me to make steps to move forward, I don't think I have the resources to actually manage it.  I will  find other ways to get that much needed reset with the people in my life, and continue on.

Thursday, March 02, 2017

Quick Dose of Society

The other day, I got what I thought was a smart idea.  I'd just google "Thunder thighs" and get to enjoy lots of pictures of men with big pretty legs and cute butts.  It seemed like a great plan, full of awesome rewards.

Well, I tried it, and what came up was a ton of images of things like ways to get rid of thunder thighs, ways to slim down legs, and what exercises are necessary to have thin thighs and legs.  To have "sexy legs" and how to get them.

Then I looked and saw more showing women who were talking about how strong they were with their thicker legs, and how it was them showing love for themselves, and not needed to find a partner.

It very blatantly showed this divide in society for women.  That idea that you can be strong an independent, or thin and attractive, but never can they mix.  And I think that's more media than real life right now.

And we know how much I like to follow the suggestions of media.

I hate that there is this divide.  That women can't be seen as attractive if they are strong.  That we still encourage this thin ideal for the sake of fashion and society and media, as pushed by other women to not be healthy, but thin.

Meanwhile, I can never have that societal preference of a body.  I'm built like a linebacker, with broad shoulders, a large rib cage, and a very tiny waist in comparison to my hips.  My natural figure is similar to the painted pin up figures of the 40's, just with smaller breasts.  That's so far from the current standard and well into what is seen as strong but unattractive in the eyes of media.

However, I do look strong, and I am strong.  I'm in better shape than most people I know, and I doubt that my partners find that unattractive.

And, I'm noticing that the more I look at my strength, and how my figure reflects that, and the healthier I look, the happy I am with my appearance.  I'm not worried with having this super perfect body to the outside world.  If I am strong, and healthy, and feel like me, I will be happy to have my thunder thighs, and big butt, and tell the media to fuck off.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

The Continued Adventures of Not Poly!

Someone was talking to me the other day about how she actually kicked her husband's partner out of the house a while ago.  He has had serious health issues for months now, and is unable to drive for a good while longer.  So, his other partner has to come to the house to see him.  Apparently, she was coming by so often to act as a supportive partner that his wife felt like she was "shoved into a co-wife situation" and his partner was acting like she wanted a "mommy dom".

Now, this person is bad with people.  Like, she pretty much shuns anyone outside of a handful of people away, and is so closed minded in seriously radical ideas that she shoves most of those away as well.  Having not been there, but knowing her, I'd say she just got tired of having someone else female in the house, and threw a fit.

To which, she then told me that she actively wanted to avoid talking to or seeing her metamour, and was only ok with her husband having her around when he could go see her.  Didn't want to have any necessary discussions, but just be absent from the house whenever she would be present.

And, holy hell, can we say unhealthy dynamics as well as not actually poly.

She doesn't want poly.  She wants her husband to find someone to fuck to not have to put out herself. but not let him have any actual emotional connection with them.  But she won't let him just fool around with anyone, just in case she does decide she actually wants her one bit of sex for the year.  That's not poly, that's looking to use someone to fix a problem in your relationship, which isn't going to happen.  It's going to bring out more problems that aren't being addressed, as well as be a toxic influence on whoever decides to act as the other partner.

You can't look for a specific person to fill a hole in a relationship.  Poly is about having people who each have their own whole and complete dynamic.  Even if you have things you do with one partner and not the other (which is something I do find important to having unique and special dynamics) you don't keep one partner just to make up the things the other is lacking in.  That's just treating someone as a device or a scapegoat to go without having to fix something yourself.

I've seen too much broken poly lately, and some of it is just struggling to happen because it's so broken already.  And most of the time it's because the people involved are afraid to acknowledge issues in their main relationship, or are terrified to be alone in order to build healthy stronger ones.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Only One Day

Usually, Kitty and I make time for each other on Mondays.  We spend some amount of the evening  talking, and going on tangents, and being silly.  We still have some problems staying connected and communicating with the distance through the rest of the week, but generally this is pretty reliable time together.

The Monday before Valentine's, I got a message from him saying we wouldn't be able to talk, because it was his anniversary with Pyre, and he wanted to go out and celebrate with her.  While I thought to myself that they probably have the worst date for an anniversary ever, I'm never going to stop him from spending time with a partner, or him from celebrating something.

It happened to be a particularly bad day unfortunately, and so he was being a bit more present than usual as we talked about several things, including how Pyre absolutely loved the present I made for Kitty.  That he bought her a chain starter kit and some scales so she could play around with learning some things.

He also said that we needed to pick out a celebratory day.

Yes, out of all my polycule, he's the one with a sense of classic romance.

I told him I had no clue what to pick, but could in theory look up the day we first met as something to use.  He suggested when we reconnected after the breakup with his ex.  I looked up both days, but never decided.

I mentioned that at this point picking a single day to celebrate when we never had one for so long seemed silly.  That we've always just kind of celebrated each other, rather than a specific day, that honestly will only hold any meaning just because we both agreed on a day to celebrate.  He agreed, but said that it was a good thing to be silly about.

Then I may have pointed out that picking a day may seem superfluous to me because I'm not at all the romantic or cutesy type when it comes to a more classic sense. He told me that knowing that, it made it an even more worthwhile goal, just to have me be doing something cutesy like that.

We've just gone so long, over a decade now without ever needing a specific day to recognize each other, but simply being constantly appreciative of the presence we have in the other's life, and that I think is more important.  We don't need a specific day to say "Hey, we made it this many years without killing each other" but rather to simply have those random times when we say "I'm glad I've had you around through so much.

Sometimes, my overly logical mind shows through his more heavily emotional one.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Very Needed

Lux decided that with everything going on, he was going to come down and visit on his own decision the weekend before Valentine's Day.  He needed to do it on his own, and for his own peace of mind, instead of things exploding and him being asked to rush down by his mom.

Having not seen him since Christmas, I asked if it was possible for us to have some time.  We've both had a lot going on, and probably needed the time together to talk and hang out and be present for each other.

Well, we didn't quite get the amount of time we wanted, but I know it helped me a lot.  We didn't do anything special, but there were lots of little gestures that reminded me how much he cares, and set a lot of things straight in my head.  He also needed to talk about a lot of serious things going on in his own brain, and how messed up he is right now, and some little conflicts in personality we have.  I assured him that while yes things we going on, and that we both wanted some different things, it didn't make that bad, but something we just need to be aware of.

We also talked about things like the possibility of Fusion, and other partners and playing with people and such.  But mostly, we took care of ourselves, and got in much needed time.

Hopefully it isn't another month and a half before I see him again.

Thursday, February 16, 2017


A lot has been going on in the last few weeks.  Some of it will finally start calming down, and others are going to continue creating anxiety.

Things at home are worse than ever.  The gnome has just started making empty promises and not telling me he's breaking them, so I've lost out on plans, and means I'm getting very little time out with anyone.  This is even more heavily changed by the fact that he is seeing the beast during the week, which means her entire schedule during school is getting fucked with.  My parents have just decided t completely ignore me as a person unless they're telling me I'm stupid or worthless because I'm either trying to point something out, or have a different opinion than they do.

I've gone through a lot of my clothes to start dressing in a way that makes me feel more like me, as well as cracking down on my diet, and working out more.  I will find a way to stop hating my body this year, and stop the anxiety attacks that my dysmorphia has been causing lately.

I need to crack down on my projects, and hopefully if something happens to boost my mood, I'll start feeling more motivation and plow through.  Again, things that along with everything else just add to the downward spiral.

Lux is still in a most shitty mental place due to things with his family.  The fact that I can only sometimes do little things to help, and don't feel like I'm as present as I want to be with him makes me worried about him, and I felt badly having recently asked for time with him, knowing how much is going on.

Things down south are starting to calm down in some ways. Pyre finally resolved things by separating with her wife, and it has removed a lot of stress in the house.  Now she needs to take the time to find herself and get her mind straight, which will likely take a while, and I can be more present with her and Kitty, helping where I can.  I  recently told Kitty that I didn't feel like I was helping at all, or as much as I would want to, and I think he realized how much helping and taking care of friends and loved ones actually does make me thrive.  I'm glad now that things are slowly getting better there, and helping Kitty settle his own brain now that there is more quiet.

There's been groundwork, but we're all at such a low point, that climbing back up is going to take a while.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Less Hallmark

It's Valentine's Day soon, and I have very mixed feeling this year.

I'm feeling incredibly lonely lately, and my mental state is much lower than it has been in a while.  It's been a long time since I've had any chance to decompress, and longer since I've had real time with my partners to just enjoy them.  At the same time, I've been doing as much as I can to help them, as they both have massive stressful things going on, and need presence in whatever ways I can provide.

At the same time, I've pushed aside all the commercial bullshit of this holiday.  If it isn't obvious, I don't need a holiday to show people affection, but it gives me an excuse, and a desire to do a ton of little cute and fun things for everyone I care about.  No pressure of grand things, or feeling of obligation.  However, I want everyone, from just friends, to partners, to feel cared about, because that's incredibly important.

I've decided that holidays aren't worth stress and pressure.  That I should have fun with them, and share them in whatever way feels right at the time.  It's not worth it anymore to let them drag me down, and without most of the negative influence that made them worse for the longest time, I can try to work toward making them better.

Thursday, February 09, 2017


Today marks six years since I kicked out the gnome.  Not even on the day I had planned, but when he tried to pull his manipulative bullshit so close to when I had planned it for, that I pulled the trigger early.

So often, my needs and words were ignored.  Even when I was so depressed and my stress levels were so high that I had vertigo that left me unable to turn my head without nearly collapsing (but still taking care of an infant despite this) and told him that I had started having suicidal thoughts, I was ignored, and instead he shoved at me that I made him want to kill himself suddenly.  Trying to weaponize my thoughts, and wanting to be treated like a human.  Everything I would tell him would be ignored.  Everything I said was a problem, and would be shoved down so hard with a big dose of poison and attacks.  I wasn't allowed to have a voice.

And then, six years ago, I was done.  Done having that poison shoved down my throat to shut me up.  Done being forced into silence.  Done with threats.  Done with all of it.

I would be heard.  I would take care of me, and expel all the toxic sludge weighing me down.  I had a voice, and I used it.  When he tried to pull the ultimatum of doing something for me, or getting rid of him, I flat out told him that I chose me.  That he just sped things up a couple days from my plan.

Kitty and I called it the Valentine's day massacre.

And recently, Pyre is dealing with similar, and I've been helping her through it all.

I have this voice, and it is loud and strong.  It's been battered through so many things, and because I have so much more poison trying to silence me at home again, I feel like I need to find a way to be heard.  I want to find a way to use what I've done to help people.  This is just such a weird thing to discuss that people can take things from that isn't helping specific people through specific situations.

Sunday, February 05, 2017


I recently was talking to some folks, and when talking about exes, I mentioned some of the things that the gnome and Thrax had done.  I said it all casually, just like normal conversation.  After they got over their surprise of how much I'd dealt with through them, they said they were glad that I'd forgiven them for my own peace of mind and healing.

I very quickly corrected them.

I'm not the type to forgive a person for things they've done, and I definitely don't forget.  It doesn't bring me peace, or help me heal or anything like that.  What I can do though, is move on, and realize that they aren't worth my time any longer, or the effort to actively wish them ill.

I'm aware of what they've done though.  Always.  People don't change.  They don't deserve to be treated like everything is bright and shiny for everything they've done.  I will take what they've done as something to learn from, and never stand for anyone doing similar.

They are my example of learning the hard way.  And that is why I can't forget.  I can't forget every time that something happens that legitimately and truly triggers a panic response that can only occur from abuse, and that is unforgivable.

Mind you, once the world catches up to them, I will do my own little happy dance.  I will enjoy them having a big dose of what they deserve, even if I'm not wishing them ill.

They asked how I can be civil with them if I hadn't forgiven them.

I tell them that I can be polite, and interact with people without much issue.  That I could walk down the street making conversation, but if a car came speeding down the road and ran them over, if I could stop them from having any injuries just from calling an ambulance right then, I'd keep walking.  I just know they aren't worth the effort to be the person driving the car.

Remembering what I've dealt with, but knowing they aren't worth my time is what heals me.  Not telling them what they did can be forgiven and excused.

Thursday, February 02, 2017

Not an excuse

I've had a major pet peeve with any partners and loved ones for as long as I can remember.  Honestly, any time I've even seen someone else do it, it makes my skin crawl, and fills me with rage.  The kind of thing where it legitimately makes me feel like they are less healthy of a partner when it happens.  Unfortunately, it's something really common.

Things like "if you love me you'll..." or "Because I love you" or "Don't you love me?"

I've literally told partners that if they were said those things to me, I'd walk.  I'd be done, and never look back.

I do a ton of things that show affection and how much I care.  I am very blunt and blatant about how I feel with people.  To bring any of that into question isn't funny, or cute.  It feels and looks manipulative, and like you're looking for me to prove something, and I don't stand for that.  I shouldn't have to prove anything to a person in order to consistently get their approval, nor should I have to meet ever changing standards of how to show affection and love in the way they see fit in the moment.  If the multitude of ways that I show how much I care is not working with the other person, then they can fuck off until they're completely gone.

And the excuse of doing something I'm going to dislike, and saying that you did it because you love me is bullshit.  If you did, you'd consider me in the process, and make a decision from there.  Part of being a healthy and caring person in someone's life, is considering them in what you do.  There is simple basic respect in not doing something that you know flat out will make another person upset, especially if you do care about them.

I've had partners try to tell me they forgot about me at every holiday because they loved me, meanwhile they showered other people in constant everything whenever they said a word.  That isn't them loving me, it's them trying to think words will win me over while being an inconsiderate asshat.

Tell your partners you love them.  Tell your friends.  Tell everyone how you feel, but don't weaponize it.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

A Ladder

In a way to continue my focus on a more positive mindspace, I think about the ways my mind works.  The things that give me better focus, and bring me peace.

Obviously, I've talked about how service is how I show affection.  Getting to do things to help and take care of friends and loved ones gives me a sense of satisfaction in showing how I care.  Even when people are overly stressed, if I can take on some of it, or do things to help, it actually helps me manage the stress in my own life, and makes me feel happier, and more like me.

Bringing people up, bringing them affirmation, and being a source of help probably brings me more positivity and peace than most other things in life, and I think I need to figure out how to utilize that.

I know that I have a lot of experience with a lot of toxic and shitty behaviors.  I know that when I am not constantly being pushed down that I am a force of nature, and someone that many people are intimidated by.  I know that I am someone who is unlike anyone else, and never want to be.

I need to figure out how to be heard, and maybe inspire more people in the process, and then pull further inspiration for myself.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Accurate Reflection

One of the things I'm determined to manage this year is having a better sense of body image.  To do whatever I can to have a more realistic and loving view of my body and who I see in the mirror.

My dysmorphia has been doing a hell of a job on my mental state lately, and I am absolutely not going to stand for it.  I shouldn't hate the way I look, or my body at all this much.  It's not healthy, and it's impacting on my life at times.

If I didn't mention it recently, I've finally managed to do a headstand for the first time in my life!  I've been practicing it as a part of my workout almost every day, and it's making my shoulders and upper arms noticeably stronger.  I am finding issues with balance rather rather than strength, and so I know I'll find progress just with continuing practice.  I'm also enjoying seeing the progress I make overall with time.

I've gone back to short hair, and that will be getting fixed soon after the clusterfuck of the last cut.  It has me feeling more like me again, and I've decided to play with more colors as well.  Less routine, and more dynamic.

I'm trying to keep myself from just throwing on clothes.  I'm wearing what makes me feel like me.  No more shapeless schlubby stuff that makes me feel like a blob.

I know I am strong.  I know I am a force of nature, and someone absolutely unique.  I know there is beauty inside me, that other people see.  Time for me to find that, and see it myself.