Sunday, February 26, 2017

The Continued Adventures of Not Poly!

Someone was talking to me the other day about how she actually kicked her husband's partner out of the house a while ago.  He has had serious health issues for months now, and is unable to drive for a good while longer.  So, his other partner has to come to the house to see him.  Apparently, she was coming by so often to act as a supportive partner that his wife felt like she was "shoved into a co-wife situation" and his partner was acting like she wanted a "mommy dom".

Now, this person is bad with people.  Like, she pretty much shuns anyone outside of a handful of people away, and is so closed minded in seriously radical ideas that she shoves most of those away as well.  Having not been there, but knowing her, I'd say she just got tired of having someone else female in the house, and threw a fit.

To which, she then told me that she actively wanted to avoid talking to or seeing her metamour, and was only ok with her husband having her around when he could go see her.  Didn't want to have any necessary discussions, but just be absent from the house whenever she would be present.

And, holy hell, can we say unhealthy dynamics as well as not actually poly.

She doesn't want poly.  She wants her husband to find someone to fuck to not have to put out herself. but not let him have any actual emotional connection with them.  But she won't let him just fool around with anyone, just in case she does decide she actually wants her one bit of sex for the year.  That's not poly, that's looking to use someone to fix a problem in your relationship, which isn't going to happen.  It's going to bring out more problems that aren't being addressed, as well as be a toxic influence on whoever decides to act as the other partner.

You can't look for a specific person to fill a hole in a relationship.  Poly is about having people who each have their own whole and complete dynamic.  Even if you have things you do with one partner and not the other (which is something I do find important to having unique and special dynamics) you don't keep one partner just to make up the things the other is lacking in.  That's just treating someone as a device or a scapegoat to go without having to fix something yourself.

I've seen too much broken poly lately, and some of it is just struggling to happen because it's so broken already.  And most of the time it's because the people involved are afraid to acknowledge issues in their main relationship, or are terrified to be alone in order to build healthy stronger ones.


Thursday, February 23, 2017

Only One Day

Usually, Kitty and I make time for each other on Mondays.  We spend some amount of the evening  talking, and going on tangents, and being silly.  We still have some problems staying connected and communicating with the distance through the rest of the week, but generally this is pretty reliable time together.

The Monday before Valentine's, I got a message from him saying we wouldn't be able to talk, because it was his anniversary with Pyre, and he wanted to go out and celebrate with her.  While I thought to myself that they probably have the worst date for an anniversary ever, I'm never going to stop him from spending time with a partner, or him from celebrating something.

It happened to be a particularly bad day unfortunately, and so he was being a bit more present than usual as we talked about several things, including how Pyre absolutely loved the present I made for Kitty.  That he bought her a chain starter kit and some scales so she could play around with learning some things.

He also said that we needed to pick out a celebratory day.

Yes, out of all my polycule, he's the one with a sense of classic romance.

I told him I had no clue what to pick, but could in theory look up the day we first met as something to use.  He suggested when we reconnected after the breakup with his ex.  I looked up both days, but never decided.

I mentioned that at this point picking a single day to celebrate when we never had one for so long seemed silly.  That we've always just kind of celebrated each other, rather than a specific day, that honestly will only hold any meaning just because we both agreed on a day to celebrate.  He agreed, but said that it was a good thing to be silly about.

Then I may have pointed out that picking a day may seem superfluous to me because I'm not at all the romantic or cutesy type when it comes to a more classic sense. He told me that knowing that, it made it an even more worthwhile goal, just to have me be doing something cutesy like that.

We've just gone so long, over a decade now without ever needing a specific day to recognize each other, but simply being constantly appreciative of the presence we have in the other's life, and that I think is more important.  We don't need a specific day to say "Hey, we made it this many years without killing each other" but rather to simply have those random times when we say "I'm glad I've had you around through so much.

Sometimes, my overly logical mind shows through his more heavily emotional one.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Very Needed

Lux decided that with everything going on, he was going to come down and visit on his own decision the weekend before Valentine's Day.  He needed to do it on his own, and for his own peace of mind, instead of things exploding and him being asked to rush down by his mom.

Having not seen him since Christmas, I asked if it was possible for us to have some time.  We've both had a lot going on, and probably needed the time together to talk and hang out and be present for each other.

Well, we didn't quite get the amount of time we wanted, but I know it helped me a lot.  We didn't do anything special, but there were lots of little gestures that reminded me how much he cares, and set a lot of things straight in my head.  He also needed to talk about a lot of serious things going on in his own brain, and how messed up he is right now, and some little conflicts in personality we have.  I assured him that while yes things we going on, and that we both wanted some different things, it didn't make that bad, but something we just need to be aware of.

We also talked about things like the possibility of Fusion, and other partners and playing with people and such.  But mostly, we took care of ourselves, and got in much needed time.

Hopefully it isn't another month and a half before I see him again.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Untangling

A lot has been going on in the last few weeks.  Some of it will finally start calming down, and others are going to continue creating anxiety.

Things at home are worse than ever.  The gnome has just started making empty promises and not telling me he's breaking them, so I've lost out on plans, and means I'm getting very little time out with anyone.  This is even more heavily changed by the fact that he is seeing the beast during the week, which means her entire schedule during school is getting fucked with.  My parents have just decided t completely ignore me as a person unless they're telling me I'm stupid or worthless because I'm either trying to point something out, or have a different opinion than they do.

I've gone through a lot of my clothes to start dressing in a way that makes me feel more like me, as well as cracking down on my diet, and working out more.  I will find a way to stop hating my body this year, and stop the anxiety attacks that my dysmorphia has been causing lately.

I need to crack down on my projects, and hopefully if something happens to boost my mood, I'll start feeling more motivation and plow through.  Again, things that along with everything else just add to the downward spiral.

Lux is still in a most shitty mental place due to things with his family.  The fact that I can only sometimes do little things to help, and don't feel like I'm as present as I want to be with him makes me worried about him, and I felt badly having recently asked for time with him, knowing how much is going on.

Things down south are starting to calm down in some ways. Pyre finally resolved things by separating with her wife, and it has removed a lot of stress in the house.  Now she needs to take the time to find herself and get her mind straight, which will likely take a while, and I can be more present with her and Kitty, helping where I can.  I  recently told Kitty that I didn't feel like I was helping at all, or as much as I would want to, and I think he realized how much helping and taking care of friends and loved ones actually does make me thrive.  I'm glad now that things are slowly getting better there, and helping Kitty settle his own brain now that there is more quiet.

There's been groundwork, but we're all at such a low point, that climbing back up is going to take a while.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

Less Hallmark

It's Valentine's Day soon, and I have very mixed feeling this year.

I'm feeling incredibly lonely lately, and my mental state is much lower than it has been in a while.  It's been a long time since I've had any chance to decompress, and longer since I've had real time with my partners to just enjoy them.  At the same time, I've been doing as much as I can to help them, as they both have massive stressful things going on, and need presence in whatever ways I can provide.

At the same time, I've pushed aside all the commercial bullshit of this holiday.  If it isn't obvious, I don't need a holiday to show people affection, but it gives me an excuse, and a desire to do a ton of little cute and fun things for everyone I care about.  No pressure of grand things, or feeling of obligation.  However, I want everyone, from just friends, to partners, to feel cared about, because that's incredibly important.

I've decided that holidays aren't worth stress and pressure.  That I should have fun with them, and share them in whatever way feels right at the time.  It's not worth it anymore to let them drag me down, and without most of the negative influence that made them worse for the longest time, I can try to work toward making them better.

Thursday, February 09, 2017

Six

Today marks six years since I kicked out the gnome.  Not even on the day I had planned, but when he tried to pull his manipulative bullshit so close to when I had planned it for, that I pulled the trigger early.

So often, my needs and words were ignored.  Even when I was so depressed and my stress levels were so high that I had vertigo that left me unable to turn my head without nearly collapsing (but still taking care of an infant despite this) and told him that I had started having suicidal thoughts, I was ignored, and instead he shoved at me that I made him want to kill himself suddenly.  Trying to weaponize my thoughts, and wanting to be treated like a human.  Everything I would tell him would be ignored.  Everything I said was a problem, and would be shoved down so hard with a big dose of poison and attacks.  I wasn't allowed to have a voice.

And then, six years ago, I was done.  Done having that poison shoved down my throat to shut me up.  Done being forced into silence.  Done with threats.  Done with all of it.

I would be heard.  I would take care of me, and expel all the toxic sludge weighing me down.  I had a voice, and I used it.  When he tried to pull the ultimatum of doing something for me, or getting rid of him, I flat out told him that I chose me.  That he just sped things up a couple days from my plan.

Kitty and I called it the Valentine's day massacre.

And recently, Pyre is dealing with similar, and I've been helping her through it all.

I have this voice, and it is loud and strong.  It's been battered through so many things, and because I have so much more poison trying to silence me at home again, I feel like I need to find a way to be heard.  I want to find a way to use what I've done to help people.  This is just such a weird thing to discuss that people can take things from that isn't helping specific people through specific situations.

Sunday, February 05, 2017

Unexcusable

I recently was talking to some folks, and when talking about exes, I mentioned some of the things that the gnome and Thrax had done.  I said it all casually, just like normal conversation.  After they got over their surprise of how much I'd dealt with through them, they said they were glad that I'd forgiven them for my own peace of mind and healing.

I very quickly corrected them.

I'm not the type to forgive a person for things they've done, and I definitely don't forget.  It doesn't bring me peace, or help me heal or anything like that.  What I can do though, is move on, and realize that they aren't worth my time any longer, or the effort to actively wish them ill.

I'm aware of what they've done though.  Always.  People don't change.  They don't deserve to be treated like everything is bright and shiny for everything they've done.  I will take what they've done as something to learn from, and never stand for anyone doing similar.

They are my example of learning the hard way.  And that is why I can't forget.  I can't forget every time that something happens that legitimately and truly triggers a panic response that can only occur from abuse, and that is unforgivable.

Mind you, once the world catches up to them, I will do my own little happy dance.  I will enjoy them having a big dose of what they deserve, even if I'm not wishing them ill.

They asked how I can be civil with them if I hadn't forgiven them.

I tell them that I can be polite, and interact with people without much issue.  That I could walk down the street making conversation, but if a car came speeding down the road and ran them over, if I could stop them from having any injuries just from calling an ambulance right then, I'd keep walking.  I just know they aren't worth the effort to be the person driving the car.

Remembering what I've dealt with, but knowing they aren't worth my time is what heals me.  Not telling them what they did can be forgiven and excused.

Thursday, February 02, 2017

Not an excuse

I've had a major pet peeve with any partners and loved ones for as long as I can remember.  Honestly, any time I've even seen someone else do it, it makes my skin crawl, and fills me with rage.  The kind of thing where it legitimately makes me feel like they are less healthy of a partner when it happens.  Unfortunately, it's something really common.

Things like "if you love me you'll..." or "Because I love you" or "Don't you love me?"

I've literally told partners that if they were said those things to me, I'd walk.  I'd be done, and never look back.

I do a ton of things that show affection and how much I care.  I am very blunt and blatant about how I feel with people.  To bring any of that into question isn't funny, or cute.  It feels and looks manipulative, and like you're looking for me to prove something, and I don't stand for that.  I shouldn't have to prove anything to a person in order to consistently get their approval, nor should I have to meet ever changing standards of how to show affection and love in the way they see fit in the moment.  If the multitude of ways that I show how much I care is not working with the other person, then they can fuck off until they're completely gone.


And the excuse of doing something I'm going to dislike, and saying that you did it because you love me is bullshit.  If you did, you'd consider me in the process, and make a decision from there.  Part of being a healthy and caring person in someone's life, is considering them in what you do.  There is simple basic respect in not doing something that you know flat out will make another person upset, especially if you do care about them.

I've had partners try to tell me they forgot about me at every holiday because they loved me, meanwhile they showered other people in constant everything whenever they said a word.  That isn't them loving me, it's them trying to think words will win me over while being an inconsiderate asshat.

Tell your partners you love them.  Tell your friends.  Tell everyone how you feel, but don't weaponize it.