Skip to main content

Six

Today marks six years since I kicked out the gnome.  Not even on the day I had planned, but when he tried to pull his manipulative bullshit so close to when I had planned it for, that I pulled the trigger early.

So often, my needs and words were ignored.  Even when I was so depressed and my stress levels were so high that I had vertigo that left me unable to turn my head without nearly collapsing (but still taking care of an infant despite this) and told him that I had started having suicidal thoughts, I was ignored, and instead he shoved at me that I made him want to kill himself suddenly.  Trying to weaponize my thoughts, and wanting to be treated like a human.  Everything I would tell him would be ignored.  Everything I said was a problem, and would be shoved down so hard with a big dose of poison and attacks.  I wasn't allowed to have a voice.

And then, six years ago, I was done.  Done having that poison shoved down my throat to shut me up.  Done being forced into silence.  Done with threats.  Done with all of it.

I would be heard.  I would take care of me, and expel all the toxic sludge weighing me down.  I had a voice, and I used it.  When he tried to pull the ultimatum of doing something for me, or getting rid of him, I flat out told him that I chose me.  That he just sped things up a couple days from my plan.

Kitty and I called it the Valentine's day massacre.

And recently, Pyre is dealing with similar, and I've been helping her through it all.

I have this voice, and it is loud and strong.  It's been battered through so many things, and because I have so much more poison trying to silence me at home again, I feel like I need to find a way to be heard.  I want to find a way to use what I've done to help people.  This is just such a weird thing to discuss that people can take things from that isn't helping specific people through specific situations.

Comments