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Becoming

So, I found out some spoilers of the new Logan movie that came out recently.  Apparently, one of the main themes is the concept and lesson of "Don't become what they've made you into".  And, I think it's a hell of a theme for a story like that, and one that really gets into some of the nitty gritty of the old marvel comic universe, especially for a character like Logan.

But, when I heard that the theme was something like that, I thought about it, and how much I fought to be different from what others have tried to force me to be.

I was taught to cower.  To just take whatever others do to me, because they're entitled to treat me like shit.  I was taught to have to do without because I must be like others, and plan to fuck things up in exactly the same ways.  I was taught that wanting to be treated with respect made me uncontrollable.  That I should never ask for help, but expect to have to do absolutely everything for others.

I was taught to take advantage of people because of my size, and gender.  That I should play up the small and demure card to get people to do things for me.

I was taught to tell people what they wanted to hear, rather than the truth.  I was taught that I should accept lies and deceit and move on like nothing happened.  I was taught to forgive consent violations.

I was taught to be a princess and a doormat.

I was taught to be something that couldn't be farther from who I am.

And to be honest, because those people who taught me that were truly toxic, they all hate who I've become, and try to villainize everything that isn't they're ideal picture of a doormat that they want me to be.

To the point where when I started to actively fight back, I was sent to a therapist because there must have been something wrong with me.  And I told her what was happening.  It was met with the response that I was fine, and sane, and nothing was wrong with me.  That they were abusive, and toxic, and delusional, but I was so close to eighteen that they couldn't do anything.

And since then, anything that has been a form of self expression or independence has been actively used to put me down.  To shove me lower until I would hopefully give up and become what they wanted me to be.

But that's not me, and it can never be.

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