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Pretty

So, the other day Lux was feeling some kind of way, and after some encouragement, he sent me some nudes.  Which, I mean, getting to check out cute boys I like while they're far away is something I'm not going to complain about ever.

However, I saw very clearly that he was uncomfortable with it, which is not something normal for him.  We talked about it, and how he doesn't want to feel so self conscious anymore.  That I would help him figure out things to do about it, and affirmed that I will nom on him as much as necessary until he feels pretty again.  And then after, because I already think he's pretty.

Afterward, when he'd gone to work, and was busy in meetings, I thought about it more.  That his goal is to feel sexy again, and not feel so self conscious in front of a camera again.  And about how he wouldn't have much problem if I was on the other side of the room instead of a lens.  That usually I am reaffirming, and making contented grabby hands at him before climbing up and then clinging on like a koala while with him.

And, I realized I don't really know how to help him.  I don't know what feeling sexy is like at all in this point in my life, and so it would be hard for me to know what might instill that in someone else.  At the same time, because of that, and my dysmorphia on top of it, I have issues with being in front of people as well as in front of a camera.

With someone there, I feel too much like I'm faking everything.  The few times I had a partner force me to strip for them or whatever, I legitimately almost walked out because I hated it so much.  The entire time I wanted to curl up in a ball because I felt like I was being told not to be me.  And at the same time, because my dysmorphia kicks in, and the fact that the vast majority of any positive words regarding my appearance were just an attempt to get into my pants, I feel like they're seeing what I judge in myself, and that they feel the same way.  It is absolutely panic inducing, and something I've never been able to shake in the slightest.

At the same time without people there, it doesn't matter if I'm dressed or not.  Lately, my dysmorphia is at a point where even the aspect of being in front of a camera gives me anxiety, and having to look at the finished product is something I want to avoid like the plague.

I guess we both have work to do.

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