A New Devious Chapter

The other day I was puttering about twitter, and hopped on a hashtag to say that people should be treated with respect.  I said this because far too many times the day before, I felt like I wasn't treated with basic human decency, even though I know I deserve it. Well, someone who apparently thought they could get a feeling of superiority from me tried to tell me that people in general are not deserving of respect. Mind you, other people in this tag posted about things like having a right to kisses and shit.  He wanted to go on a power trip. He picked the wrong person. Continually, he tried to put words in my mouth, hoping I'd get angry and make a mistake.  At one point even said that the fear of jail is what keeps him from violating consent, or simply that he was "raised by women" not simply that he believes violating consent is wrong, y'know, because he respects people.  Only because it's a crime. Oh yea, this guy had no idea what he was getting in

I found out about a new game recently, a horror game under the guise of a dating simulator.  When you first boot it up, you get about a dozen warnings not to play if you are easily disturbed or have depression.  Right up my alley for things I enjoy. Well, given that there are far different paths to take, I figured I would watch what a "normal" run looks like, then go through and do the more complete path. At one point, one of the girls confesses that she has always had depression, and that she likes reading things about various emotions because it's the closest she can get to feeling things.  That if she's not feeling nothing, she's feeling pain.  She explains in deep detail how this all affects her, and her reactions to having to admit this to someone. And I scroll down, and see comments. They all agree with that feeling.  They agree with how that absence of feeling no matter what they do is far too fitting to their own experience. I've been talki

While Lux and I were talking, we also started in on jealousy. What causes it to perk up, or how long it's been since either of us have either felt it, or let ourselves feel it. I've learned that jealousy isn't really something I feel, but the closest would simply be imbalance of treatment/respect, or things that cause massive changes to the normal.  Obviously new partners or friends or sometimes just life will cause some change, but if I'm completely thrown to the backburner, I will have a problem and speak up. Lux has a few things that I know tend to cause jealousy, and I'm aware of, and avoid those.  In fact, he's seen first hand at this point that I'm not only keeping these things quiet, but they flat out aren't going to even be an option. We've talked about how he doesn't know if that would be a thing at this point because it's been years. I mentioned that it would depend on who it was.  If he got a new partner, he'd be far

The other day Lux and I were having a pretty long conversation about a lot of things.  And while it definitely rolled through a few subjects, we discussed a lot of what piques different parts of our brains, and the like. Of course, it started by me needing to remind him that I do actually respond to discipline, so long as whatever is happening is being said that it's discipline, and there then is a presence of positive reinforcement for good things as well.  I think Lux often forgets this just because we keep things pretty neutral, and most of the time when he does something that would be seen as punishment to other dynamics, I find it fun and encouraging because I'm not being told it should be otherwise. We also talked about how a lot of the time, I tell him he's in charge because so much of our dynamic is based on very simple respect, and not a lot of active power exchange.  About how he enjoys exerting some amount of territorial possessiveness on occasion, and how he

The other day, I mentioned to Kitty that the morning was weird, simply because things were happening a bit differently than they normally would.  He was instantly worried, and started to take my reassurances as trying to brush things off.  It took a while for him to realize that I truly did mean that nothing bad was happening. He said that it was him simply being paranoid.  That he was broken, and it was just the way he is. Well, I jumped on that without hesitation.  I rather forcefully told him that he is not broken.  Maybe a little weird.  And certainly not pristine, but not broken simply for who he is.  Not only that, but having genuine worry and concern for a loved one should never be something that counts as being broken.  Eventually, he said that while he may not believe that all the time, he did then. At the same time, I look at Lux, who is somehow managing more and more crisis in his life, and trying to hold himself together.  When he hugs me, he tells me he's broken.

I actually managed to have an empty house last weekend, without anyone else home, and plenty of space to work on things. So I had Lux over, and another friend, and we burned things, and we relaxed a little.  It was a much needed time for all of us, getting away and having distraction for a bit. And I was so incredibly grateful that Lux spent the night.  My bed might be a little crowded with us both in it, but it still makes me happy to have him there to snuggle up with.  Even if this meant not getting all that much sleep. It was also a reminder of how much I enjoy doing for friends and people I care about.  While nothing insanely interesting may have happened, This weekend was what I needed.  I'm feeling a bit better about everything.

Lux and I were talking the other morning, and he said that outside his apartment he could hear a couple fighting.  After a bit, and hearing it get continually louder, he went outside to break things up. And while there were some things about it I don't need to go into here, one of the worst things was that the person causing the issue of course tried to use Lux's race as an attack.  It was irrelevant to the situation, and of course is simply a characteristic of him, but they felt it necessary to throw it in his face, in order to feel superior, and in malevolence. When he told me, I was suddenly reminded of how often lately I need to worry about Lux's safety just because of the color of his skin, and how insanely ridiculous that is.  That despite the fact that he is an amazing, strong, and intelligent person, people will see that he is slightly on the darker side, and try to use it against him. I'm reminded of why we can't say that we don't acknowledge peop

Puttering around before bed the other night, I saw an article about helping women have a higher sex drive to meet their partner, or some such. While I don't agree with that being necessary, and that anyone should be able to find someone they feel connected with, as well as have a similar sex drive, I let curiosity take over, and click. And, it gives the stereotypical advice.  Learn to masturbate.  Buy lingerie.  Create a romantic mood for yourself. When I was younger, and had no idea what a desire for sex actually felt like (for a host of reasons), this was the same sort of thing I was told.  And, I think this limited pool of advice definitely contributed to me being awkward as hell for the longest time when it came to sex.  I felt like I was broken because all the things recommended made me feel worse, or bored, or uncomfortable in my skin.  It took me a long time to realize and acknowledge my sex drive, and that it is as high as it is.  And it had nothing to do with wh

I have a very different body shape from my mother, as well as my any other member of my family.  And, not only while growing up, but through most of my teens, and even sometimes currently, I was ridiculed for it. Told I was less because I didn't have large breasts, and the target of several insults and shame due to having large hips and butt especially compared to my waist. I was outright told I would be seen as less attractive because of these things.  Because I wasn't shaped the way they thought was the only shape anyone was drawn to.  That it made me not worth the attention of anyone. And, it took me a really long time to realize how full of shit they were.  That I didn't need to wish that I had some specific body type in order to actually be attractive. At some point, I found acceptance in it.  Simply becoming complacent in the idea that my body is shaped the way it is.  They still made comments, and they still dug, but I knew it was something beyond my control.