A New Devious Chapter

I read something recently about how you supposedly can't promise to love someone, especially in poly.  That they differences in how we express love mean that we can't promise that the other person may feel what we are telling them. That when people complain that partners didn't love them, that it's just an incompatibility in how they express love. Sure, this on the surface has potential of being true.  Incompatible love languages are a thing, and create issues. However, sometimes, when a partner doesn't feel loved, it's because they aren't, and the other person is still continuing the dynamic for the comfort of it.  The fear of being alone.  Being an abusive partner.  A pile of things that has caused them to simply not actually care for the other person, and unfortunately, I think that's the case the majority of the time. Those incompatibilities can often be solved with simple communication.  Asking for different sorts of presence, or saying that

The other day I managed to hit a point that took me way too long to get to.  I finally finished drawing all the pages for what will be a published coloring book (still need to do the last bits, but the hard part is done!).   And seeing myself get the sketch done on that last page, I felt myself wanting to keep going.  Get the inking done, and pictures scanned and cleaned, and get it available for the public.  To get to move onto the next one, just to see if I can get that done faster, and have it look even better. It was a great motivator for me.  I'm still not getting everything done day to day that I want to, but I'm feeling drive to do more, instead of having to tell myself.  Drive to do more for people.  To take on more projects, and complete things I have in mind. I'm the kind of person that has trouble getting started until I feel progress.  And once I do have that sense that I'm actually getting somewhere, I'll plow through. I'm building my

While I'm keeping myself busy to try and help, to questionable success, I'm trying to stay mindful of the things I'm wanting. Honestly, I'm barely wanting sex and play lately, which means I likely need them both that much more.  Instead, I'm just wanting time with people.  Time away from this hole of stress, abuse, and negativity.  Time to do little things with people I care about and just feel that positive connection with them.  Even just walking through a park, or sitting in a coffee house on a couch together.  Little actions that help me find some balance between the things slowly digging further and further into my brain, which already makes me worry if I'll be able to find myself again this time. Those small bits of presence with people give me so much improvement.  So much clarity that I can keep going longer. And it sucks that I need that, because I hate needing anyone for anything.  I hate asking for things, and I hate saying that I need someone

The other day I was on a call with Kitty, and we were talking about how poor communication and jumping to decisions with unsafe people, and without having all the necessary information has gotten quite a few people in trouble over time lately, and how it's something that happens regardless someone's orientation. And while Kitty definitely goes overkill on information with new partners, I've always thought it was standard courtesy and common sense with the things I shared.  Things about my body as far as flexibility goes, good and bad pain, important lines, and all such things.  He brought up about how that's a rare thing, even though it should be the standard. A few days later, a friend tweeted about how she doesn't present or perform often, and how it doesn't make her any less valid in the scene. It makes me consider all the things I could talk about in the scene.  About bottoming, and communication, and poly, pain management and processing, abuse, afterc

I've been continuing to try and find ways to help my mind settle out at all.  While everyone here tends to try and make me feel worse, I can't let myself stew in where I was, or even where I am now. With that, I've been trying to constantly ask myself what I can do with the time I have in that moment.  What can I do to be more productive.  To help someone, or to accomplish something myself. So, no matter how small a thing, I've been working to do more.  Finish more books, draw for more coloring books, make myself work out, be present for others.  And while the people I live with may dig into me more than is even remotely healthy, I'm doing something about it.  I'm trying to help my own mind, because with where I was, I'm honestly not sure how long I would have lasted.

Since I was in about middle school I suppose, and my mom could no longer control what I wore as much, I have been more drawn to men's clothing.  Being more masculine, and my body dysmorphia really starting to kick in had me wearing clothes to hide myself, and really embrace the more goth industrial style that I still haven't given up.   As a bit more time went on, I found myself more drawn to feeling tailored and put together.  By the middle of high school, I was wearing some semblance of a suit almost every day.  Still with goth touches, but opting for vests, waistcoats, and blazers.  I did what I could to look well put together, but still have a very unique style. The difficult part of this was that I couldn't shop in the men's sections.  With the curves I have, women's clothing rarely fit me properly, let alone the square cuts of masculine clothing.   Then, after having squishy, before I had even gotten down to my pre-pregnancy size, the gnome lost everythi

This week, I've been focusing on all the things that have fallen to the side which I know are killing my mindspace.  Trying to contact people, and keep up conversations.  Making plans, and doing things.  I've been diving into what art I can, and books as well.  Making myself stay active. All things that I know help me function and keep from wanting to curl up in a ball the way I was. I need to keep kicking myself in the ass to make all these things habit again.  I can't let them fall aside like they were.

Since the weather has been nicer lately, especially for being knee deep in winter, we all decided it would be a good idea to get Oliver's pass for the dog parks in the area early in the year.  This way we could utilize nice days with letting him run about off leash, meet other dogs, and be social. Except not when it's rainy because he wants nothing to do with even the slightest drizzle. Anyway, while on the way to pick up his pass, just heading down some back roads, the idea pops into my head of finding some boy to choke. Unprompted, and out of nowhere, I found my sadist perking up with a vengeance.  The intense craving to find a nice sweet boy, pin him to the wall by his throat, and beat the shit out of him.  The weirdest part is that it wasn't only a nonsexual craving, which is very uncommon for me.  Normally all of my topping, and most of my play in general is incredibly nonsexual. That might be because of the long dry spells I've been having. Either way, i

There's a new game coming out in a week or so.  One I had heard about, and initially, I had actually sent over to Lux because it sounded funny.  It's a game about trying to pick up women, and I thought it would be a full comedy type thing similar to the old Leisure Suit Larry games which I have loved for far longer than would probably be appropriate. However, then I found out the creator is making this as a serious advice tool, and has written books, and teaches workshops on pick up artistry. As a side note, because my view on this is probably obvious, I tweeted about how this will likely have a poor effect on gamer culture as a whole, and push away female gamers and nerds even more than they already are.  The creator of the game liked my tweet.  Pretty sure he's too dumb to realize what his game is going to do. Back on topic, I saw footage of the first four levels of the game.  And rather than finding it funny, I just found it more and more infuriating.  It tries to