A New Devious Chapter

Lux and I have been talking a lot about power exchange lately, and at one point I talked about how I could do heavy elaborate exchange in the short term, but probably not for more than the occasional day, just because I am the type that when I set myself up to do something, I want to get it done before moving onto something else, including things asked of me by others.  Lux responded by saying that he tries not to push asking things of me in our exchange, because of my general "Fuck everyone" MO.  And yes, most of the time when people expect me to obey, give them control, or just let them have say over me, I tell them to fuck off and kick their ass.  For a very long time in my life, I had people trying to change who I am, or control how I do things, or just expecting me to be submissive regardless of who I am, because I'm tiny and female bodied. Lux's response to everything though is always for me to be me.  If I were to ever do anything outside of what he knows

Many of us around here often joke that Oliver is fat.  He's not, but to keep my mom from completely overfeeding him, we make the jokes, but don't put much behind it. Anyway, one day while making these jokes, my mom responded "Yea, well, I give him so much because I love him" And I had to choke down yelling at her.  That feeding him piles of things he shouldn't have isn't love.  That ignoring what he needs when he's saying so, encouraging poor behavior, and barely spending any actual time with him isn't love.  It's selfish convenience.  Like when she buys clothes for Squishy that she doesn't like, but then tries to force Squishy to wear them just because she likes them.  It's not love.  It's again being selfish, and incredibly inconsiderate. Love is taking on compromise.  It's doing things you don't always want to do (in a healthy way of course) in order to take care of people when they need it.  It's considering them

This week is madness, but in so many good ways. On Tuesday, we had to take the pup back to the shelter.  When we first got him, he was heartworm positive, and so the shelter wouldn't adopt him out fully until he was done with treatment.  That meant that he was only considered a foster for the several months he stayed with us until this point.  In many ways, that was good, because had he not worked out, we could return him, without breaking any contracts, or having paid for him. Well, he took the ride to the shelter, got a quick test, and he's heartworm negative.  The people at the shelter very nearly forgot that we needed to actually pay for and sign for him to be fully adopted until we had asked them about it.  A short wait later, and some paperwork done, and he's now officially no longer a shelter dog, and has a home for what might be the first time in his life.  He's snuggled up with my butt right now, so I'm pretty sure he's happy here. Lux is taking o

Last weekend was Mother's Day, and was way different from the last many of them.  Not to say it magically became amazing, but broke up a good lot of our routine. My parents didn't go off to the cemetery this year, due to the rain, and instead opting to go on my grandma's birthday at the end of the month.  Also, rather than our normal bbq where the menfolk are supposed to make everything but we wind up doing most of the work, we decided to make a giant prime rib and a ton of other food ourselves.  Wound up being much better food, and we didn't have to wait for anyone. A lot of things have been breaking around the house, but nothing that wasn't a simple fix.  I realized I only have a couple of sketches left for two new coloring books, which means mostly just inking and then all the formatting shit.  These are definitely going a lot faster, and I'm so happy about that. There are a lot of other little things I'm making and working on an organizing, and

This week has been a collection of having people feel like they in a downturn.  I spoke with Kitty Sunday night, and when I reminded him of his age (he forgot how old he is) it triggered thoughts of how he hasn't been making the same strides he was professionally, and how his current job has been nowhere near the situation he thought it would be.  That with the choices he's made, he doesn't know if life will even give him the chance to make that professional growth any longer, and feeling like he's burning out.  He's also been dealing with not being able to enjoy his hobbies due to his shoulder turning borked, and a ton of other things that I don't agree with much and have tried to voice. Lux is dealing with his work crumbling apart, and trying to find a new gig.  He's picking up the work of a ton of people in the meantime, and feeling frustrated, and like he can't really live up to everyone else.  This while juggling things with family, and attempt

Lux and I talked a lot about the dangers of many people in the scene, and our fears bringing people in, and the risks we take.  We spoke about how he doesn't know how he'd react to someone accusing him of something he didn't do, or blowing a situation up way beyond the truth. I laughed, and said that I'd go ahead and step in and handle in.  While he found it amusing, and hopefully as something supportive, he said that he didn't need me fighting all his battles.  And while yes, I do let him handle and learn a lot of things for himself, I'm going to be supportive where I can, and in those situations where he is backed into a corner, I'm not going to stop myself from setting things straight.  I'm far too overprotective to let him get hurt and not do anything about it. To which we talked about how I've already proven that.  That he was accused of something by someone absolutely unsafe, after I had been told even more conflicting statements.  He was

Remember how I said the other day that I only really cared about what other people thought about my appearance for a short time in my life?  Well, that is true, and when it comes down to it, I don't really care all of that much, and mostly just focus on making me feel like me. That however, doesn't mean I don't like the input from close people for outside perspective. While Lux was visiting, we were out to breakfast, and he mentioned that my makeup one day didn't look as good on my skin as the day before.  I agreed, that the product I used that day matched my ghostliness better, but had a worse finish than some other ones I have. He felt a bit trapped while talking about it, not wanting to say the wrong thing, and I totally understand that.  It's a bit of an easy way to throw yourself into a hole when on the subject, and much harder to dig out of it. Then he said something that would have most women screaming.  He said "I honestly don't think you ne

I think about how I felt the last time Lux had visited.  That even though he makes me happy, I just didn't have any spark of joy that I normally do from seeing him.  That I felt very blank, even if I was incredibly grateful for time with him.  It bothered me, and not only that, but we didn't get a chance to really dig into anything that we'd meant to. Since then, a lot has happened, and I've made a lot of improvement in my own mental space.  It's done me a world of good, and I realized exactly how much in the middle of Lux's visit last weekend. Despite a lot of things going on over that week, we were able to find a lot more joy in being together.  There was a peace like we usually have, and a serious boost to my mental state.  I got to feel inspired, and share a lot of the projects I have going on right now, to work on over the next long while. We had a lot of discussion about the coming months, and making plans, and creating the basis of a fun summer. 

Squishy has definitely started the transition out of being a little kid lately, and it's been reminding me of a lot of things.  Either that, or it's really funny. On the more humorous side, one day, I was in the shower at night, and she knocks on the door.  She needed to use the bathroom, and wanted to pop in while I was finishing showering.  I had no problem with it, and didn't find it weird, so I let her in.  After stalling for an extra minute or so in the hot water, I got out of the shower, and she was still in the bathroom.  As I grabbed my towel, expecting it to be the normal thing is usually is, she covered up her face.  I asked what was up, and she said she didn't want to see me naked.  I asked if she hit the age where that was weird finally, and she said yes.  I asked if that was the case, if she would stop bothering me to take a shower with me.  She was quiet.  I told her she couldn't have both, and she told me to wear a swim suit in the shower.  My kid