A New Devious Chapter

A bit over a week ago, the long talk Lux and I wound up having about power exchange was spurned by a question.  I had posed a fantastical situation, which we both had liked, which involved some definite gestures of ownership.  While talking about what I enjoyed about it, I couldn't quite find the right word.  I had defaulted to "hot" with the vibe of the conversation, but immediately caught myself.  While yes, in the moment it would be sexy and stimulating, there are remnants that have far more of an effect on me, which I would find very affirming and fulfilling. And that, was what Lux questioned.  Not being someone who submits in any context of power, he wasn't sure if this was what I had meant as a slave, or something more.  I had to tell him that while it may be fulfilling as a slave, that alone carries over a lot.  He didn't quite understand the concept of it, so I had to expound upon it further with some manner of word spew toward him when I had a few momen

After talking about the idea of sitting down for a refresh of negotiations, Lux and I had a long talk about power exchange lately.  It started with him asking about how power exchange affects me when it is more active (more on that another day, because there is enough of it) and how it translates well beyond a scene or a moment. We talked for a while about my affirming him that I wasn't after it for toxic reasons, and bringing up some of his brainbugs with why power exchange doesn't appear often in our casual day to day. He voiced his discomfort, and issues with certain things, and I started reassuring him.  The particular things that creep along in his mind, aren't really things that I need, or even really want.  I encouraged him to do things outside of those issues that I do want, so we can both be comfortable and happy. I gave a couple of examples of the past, when he's done such things, and he made a joke about my preference.  As a response, I told him that th

And now, the cop out Thanksgiving post about what I'm thankful for. This year, I am thankful for all the new things I've done. New ways to work toward independence. New adventures. New skills to learn. New ways to experience things. New furry family members. There's been a lot of new things this year, and they've definitely been helpful in a lot of ways. I am grateful for the people in my life.  The ones who show genuine care, and make me realize that even with everything that I live with, I am loved. I am grateful for my drive.  Because once I gained momentum, this year has been me working nonstop on so many things, and I'm excited for what comes next, and who I get to share it with.

Lux and I wound up having little comments about my visit.  About things regarding play and dynamics and such.  It popped into my head, and I asked, if we should sit down and do a proper renewal of negotiations.  When we first got together, we never really did much in the way of negotiations at all.  He looked through my fet writings, saw my limits, and went from there.  Then we just sort of learned each other along the way.  And while that was fantastic in the moment when we had no overly elaborate scenes planned, and wanted to build a friendship rather than just play, it may be time for a more formal revisit. We've been together for over five years, and in that time, while not much has changed in regards to limits or interests, in some ways we've gotten complacent.  We have anxiety because we haven't sat to really talk about all of those things.  As much as we don't have a routine, we often fall into the same pool of things we know we enjoy. And, it isn't bad

I'm home from Lux's now, and it was a good week, albeit difficult in many ways. Lux had a lot of stress from many sources, which kept him distracted often.  Sometimes this was his own mind just being working against him, but there were a lot of very challenging things to work through over the course of the week. I tried to take care of things where I could, and help him out over the course of the week, whether spoiling him, showing affection, or doing little helpful things. There were also lots of wonderful moments that we both enjoyed, and I'm glad we got to share.  It was definitely a week I'm happy for, because we got to have that time together again.  In many ways, Lux tried to practice more power exchange and comfort with service.  It's good to feel like we have a more present a visible exchange.  It may still just be visible to us, but that's all we need. I did find that I didn't quite have enough to work on to keep busy for his entire workda

Last Tuesday, as Lux went to take a shower before his first meeting, I went to really wake up.  Went to the kitchen, and grabbed some small breakfast.  Refilled my coffee, and grabbed my phone to scroll through bits of social media. As I scrolled through, I saw a post about a group of friends not having been together in too long.  It was written in a worrying way, so I went to look, and found that the night before they had committed suicide.  One of the people who had first taught me to play D&D, someone in the group that would cause me to meet Kitty, and likely down the line lead my life to where it is, in so many ways. I took a moment to process that.  Because even though we didn't talk for a while, he was still someone who had had space in my life at one point. And as I went back to my feed, I immediately saw something saying that it was two years since the loss of another friend.  Someone who had been newer to my life, but was genuinely good.  I had found out about hi

I may be up at Lux's right now, but a couple weeks ago, he went down past me to Maryland for a week to see some friends.  He planned on staying with a few different people, then ending the week with a Halloween party, and making the long drive all the way north. Well, he got through most of the week, and then not only did he get a bit burnt out, but something had happened that he reacted to poorly, and needed to process. And since I was the exact middle point of the trip, I offered space so he could split the drive, and be able to get away from all the people.  Having a puppy to hug would also help him. He took a while to figure out his plan, and get through what he needed to do, but where I had figured on not seeing him until my trip up here, he told me he was on the way. While he definitely needed to process, it was nice to have that quiet night together.  To put work aside that I had planned on, and catch up on the visit, and snuggle, and decompress. We joked about a l

Right now, I'm getting ready for adventure. I'm finally able to take a week to head up and visit Lux for the first time in over a year, and we're both looking forward to it. Which means soon I take a short trip to the bus station, then attempt to not get lost in NYC, and then a long train, albeit a pretty ride, up to Lux.  I'm doing things a bit differently this time, but it should work out ok. It's been way too long since I've gotten up there.  With everything going on with his family, and then how busy we were for a few months, there just wasn't the option.  This trip is going to be a bit different as well.  Lux is now with a job where he works from home most of the time, so I'll need to make sure to keep myself occupied with him there during the day, so he has the chance to work in his office, but hold him to some sort of schedule as well.  It'll be a strange balance to keep.  At the same time, Lux is looking forward to being able to go ou

Upon having my IUD replaced, I also got a full round of STD testing, which I was probably rather overdue for, but it was done, and came up as I had expected it to. While talking to Lux about it, and giving him my status, he talked about how he needed to get tested as well, and we talking about shared status, and differences in our own methods. Along with that, I've been thinking a lot about the many differences in our methods and preferences.  Nothing that involves safety mind you, we're both in heavy agreement about all of that, but many other things. Lux in general, makes decisions on his own who he plays with.  When we both know the person, we will sometimes talk about things first, but often, Lux will simply tell me that he plans on playing with someone, or even telling me about it the next day.  On the other hand, because my play is with only very rare exception with people I already know and am friends with, I make sure to check in with Lux about it ahead of time.