A New Devious Chapter

 While I could talk about the holidays here, and everything entailed with that, it's the first post of the new year, so I think it's a good time to look at how different my life is compared to when I was writing and reflecting one year ago. And hell, so much has changed.  While in many ways, I'm still me, and this is still my life, my everyday is incredibly different. Someone who I thought would be around forever dropped me like a wet towel.  Did the exact thing that was done to him, and couldn't even talk to me about it.  I found out that he was sneaking around, hiding things, and who knows what else, and I surely hope that eventually life catches up and he gets what he deserves. I gave someone else a second chance, and he couldn't see how clung on he was.  When I fell further away, he grabbed on tighter, and when he nearly murdered me, he tried to make himself the victim.  It was a tie that went from adjusting and loosening, to cutting and ridding myself of altoge

 Just before Halloween, Rabbit was over for an extra day because he needed an extra day before going back to work.  We spent the day working on personal things, and spending time curled up together.  While it didn't mean another night together (he had work the next morning) it did mean an extra twelve hours before saying goodbye for the week. And during that time, at one point I started sharing examples of things that have happened in my home.  How I'm treated by my parents, and the situation I'm living in.  And I realized, while talking about it, that I started feeling more anxious.   I noticed that even though he was being supportive, and telling me that he was here for good and bad, and asking what I might need in the moment, I was wishing I'd never said a word.  My mind could only go to Lux telling me that he couldn't deal with my home life.  That it was too much for him, and how he would disappear whenever things got bad.  I was so worried that I would lose thi

Initially, I had wanted to go see Lux over Squishy's spring break.  It's been an incredibly long time since I've seen him, and it would be worlds easier to navigate how we want things to work going forward if we could talk in person.   However, that didn't happen.  He was busy with work, and hasn't been the best with communication, and so it just sort of didn't. And that was incredibly anxiety inducing.  Sitting in limbo with a sensation similar to how I was left in a void with Kitty.  And while I'm very well sure that it isn't the same situation, and won't work out the same, it still had the same taste, and didn't make things any easier. Upon realizing I wasn't going to make it down to see him though, I tried to make more plans in order to utilize the time that I had.  Even one of those didn't come to fruition, but I did get Rabbit out here for a night away so that he could relax.   And not only did he need it, but it was definitely a go

 I was sitting in another room one morning in the beginning of the month, having my coffee, and getting myself sorted for the day.  There wasn't anything on in the room I was in, so I could hear everything else going on in the house, and noticed my father mention my mom getting cards for Valentine's Day.  She said she only got a card for him, and didn't get anything for anyone else this year. And then it started.  He was suddenly super concerned over who was going to get me something this year, asking if it would be Lux.  My mother, in the most condescending tone, commented that he's never gotten me anything for Valentine's ever.  My father was surprised, then asked if Puppy would get me anything.  She said that I wasn't dating Puppy, and they started on about how he seems like he's trying. Then it turned into them saying that he's already done more for me than Lux ever has, and started a huge shitfest on saying that I'm being strung along, and just

 Sure, we may be past the new year, but the holidays aren't quite done yet, like every year for me.   This year got an extra bonus though, with so many people acting like the pandemic is over, I felt like multiple times a day the week before Christmas I saw friends announcing they were covid positive.  Two days before Christmas, my sister told us she was exposed, and we had to tell her multiple times that she wasn't to come over on Christmas day, and we would deliver her food and gifts.  On the same day, the gnome's family tested positive, and so he couldn't take her for her break.  I had already made plans with Puppy, so last minute I needed to shift things around and ask my parents to spend the time with her.  Honestly, this wound up making everyone happy, so somehow it worked out for the better. Christmas wound up quiet, and about like normal.  Puppy showed up a little early, and that let us wind up back in Philly that evening, to have the longest window of time we&#

 I'm pretty sure I mentioned a beach episode a couple of weeks ago, and looking forward to it for a myriad of reasons.  That I had wanted to take advantage of a long weekend, see Lux after not getting to for a couple of months, and have a good reset.  He unfortunately hasn't been feeling well though, and couldn't join us, so we decided to postpone. And so I was left with a long weekend and no plans. I poked around a little, to no avail, trying to find a way to take advantage of this time, and enjoy some company. Meanwhile, a Puppy friend of mine and I have been slowly talking more over the last year.  We had a falling out due to things that happened on both our parts, which caused us to have a divide for a good while.  He's also had a hell of a year, with going through a hard breakup with someone who fucked him over mentally, got injured and needed surgery, started juggling both school and work, and just recently is dealing with loss.  I've tried to be more present

 I intend to take more classes than I often actually get to.  Sometimes I forget to go looking for them, or sometimes life happens and I forget that there was even a class that day until the evening, when I realize it ended six hours earlier. When I do get to them, it's a mixed experience.  There are times when I know I'm going in just to get information to better help my own classes, with seeing how things are worded, or finding points that I would only touch on, but should instead make a focus.  There are also classes that I find go far too 101 for anyone to really feel engaged with. Sometimes though, we get classes that cover things that we know going in, but are the right reminder at the right time.  And I had one of those recently. Around the same time as what happened in my last post, I sat in on a class about owning one's submissive identity.  It didn't cover many topics that were earth-shatteringly new, but instead posed questions that encouraged finding your ow

While I was at Lux's we watched a youtube video someone put up that after watching, I found myself wanting to do some writing on the subject as well.  Something that I felt some pull to share my own experiences with, because while it seemed obvious to Lux after this long, most people don't know how to navigate.  I had been having some issues with it recently, and thought that perhaps if I shared some information about it, things might have more potential to go well in the future. It took a bit before I finally sat down the write it, but once I looked at the first draft, I sent it to Lux in hopes that he would give it another set of eyes.  The piece itself definitely needed a readover by someone else before I could post it somewhere. The next day, I asked him if he had looked at it, and he said that he hadn't.  I assured him that there was no rush, but he made sure to say that because he said he would do it, he would be sure to do it that night. And when I read that single m

 In  the past month or so, I've managed to have a lot of small moments that really hit hard.  For the most part, they've been really positive, so I want to make sure that I share them here.  They're all a bit different though, which makes me think they'd all make decent posts individually. The first one happened when Lux was here near July 4th.  The week prior I was doing a heavy clean up on my room, and put together all the things that were his that he had forgotten forever, because I was just holding them aside in various places.  Since I was trying to really sort through things, I made up a little bag of it all, and the book I had suggested he read, to give to him when I saw him. And because I am made of anxiety, I worried about doing this.  That he would take the wrong idea from it, and think I was cutting ties in whatever way.  I had second thoughts on giving him back his own things, because I was worried about how he would respond. When he got here though, once we

 I'm home now, and trying to get back to routine, and sorted out for the coming weeks.  I was ready to go home and get back to getting things done, and return to my life, but at the same time, it was hard to leave after two years without a long visit like that, and knowing when I would have the chance for it again.  We're very unlikely to let things take that long again though, which is affirming. Not everything was wonderful though.  On one of my last nights there, Lux had said we would play.  More than just some rough body play, we would use toys, and spend time for a right proper whoopin'.  I cleaned up a bit during the day, and we did a grocery order so that I could make pizza for us for dinner.  Unfortunately, as we sat down to play a silly game, and enjoy the pizza, he got called last minute to essentially work an all nighter. At first I was hoping that we would have time in between the bits of work that he had mentioned.  I didn't realize that everything was brok

 I'm currently at Lux's, on my first long visit just to see him in about two years.  Between the pandemic, and needing schedules to line up, until his recent visit to me, the only thing we've been able to do are those short little overnights at my place. There's certainly been a bit of adjustment again, as we get used to living around each other.  Things like sharing a bed in an apartment I haven't visited to before, and getting things done in a new office space together.  We adjust quickly though, knowing how to work with the other at this point, for the most part anyway.   It's a good break from some things, and I think a necessary change of pace for us both.  There's been lots of little reassurances for us just being us, and moments of talking about where we want different things to go.  Quiet moments of ambition and desire that make me feel happy and driven to make everything work. We also took a day to see some friends that I hadn't seen in a year o

After the blow up my father had, I was honestly in a bit of an unhealthy space.  I didn't feel safe in my own home, and my mother was also frustrated with him over trying to make plans to travel.  She was ready to drop the possibility of a trip altogether, because he was fixated on doing one specific thing, which she didn't really want to do. Surprise, they did what he wanted anyway, but they were gone for a handful of days, which gave me a break from them, and allowed me to actually feel like I had my own space, in some ways.  Oliver and I managed perfectly well together, and in many ways my mind used it as a way to force a self care break of just not doing for a few days. Lux also visited, and we spent more time together without doing anything in particular than we'd had in almost two years.  Because of the pandemic, we'd only had shorter visits with each other, so it was good to have time when as soon as I saw him, I wasn't already concerned with when he would le

 It was only for a night, but over the weekend of Valentine's, Lux was able to visit.  Squishy was away with the gnome, so I was able to just enjoy time with him for a day.  And while these visits are short, and we're limited in what we can do, having him around again after so long in between makes me happy. After so long without sex, our bodies weren't at all used to the amount that we enjoy, but it didn't stop us, and at least on my end, it helped tremendously.  I don't need sex as a form of self affirmation, but I do gain some level of mental reset from it, and it helps me relax a bit in knowing how Lux is doing as well.  In many ways, it's a way of checking in with each other, which we don't often get to just sit and do with how life gets in the way. We talked on and off about our plans for the year.  Lux changing jobs is going to do him a lot of good, and be very beneficial for him in the coming year, but he has some things he's going to need to do,

We've hit that point where Lux and I are more seeing silly symptoms of stress.  Life has happened (and continues to happen) and we're both going through a ton.  As a result, we're noticing some of the standard responses from our brain. It means we're both super horny, while we're apart, and craving all the things. Well, he's craving all the things.  I'm apparently at a point where it's all a bit more specific.  I've stopped wanting violence the same way I normally would.  Instead I'm wanting controlling force, that comes from a place of possessive power exchange.   It's not that situation which is near a stereotype of wanting something different.  It's not that I feel like I need to let go of being in charge.  Hell, with things going on, I'm feeling out of control of everything around me, and the entirety of my day. I want the comfort of having control in the hands of someone I trust.  To feel the steadiness that I'm doing what I

A bit more than a week ago, I had asked Lux to come visit.  While I was doing what I could to take care of myself, I knew mentally that I needed some contact and time.  He said that he couldn't give an answer either way, given that work was being incredibly demanding of him, but he understood, and honestly, just him responding that much was helpful for me. And then Friday happened, to which I no longer expected him to show up, and wouldn't blame him.  I wouldn't ask anyone to come visit and be around after something like that.  So, I was very prepared to try and slog through the day on my own, no matter how difficult that would be. I didn't hear from him all morning, but tried to send him some messages to just keep him updated on my safety and mental state.   When I had the chance to sneak downstairs for some lunch, I finally heard from him, and he told me he was still coming for a night.   Whatever tears were left, started then.  I was so grateful, and told him so, tha

It was about a week ago now, deep into feeling like I was barely running on fumes, and counting down the days until I would get a break from how things were.  I had showered one night, and as I was finishing up, a strange thing came to mind. In my learning to masturbate, and exploring therein, I've realized that if I want my body to have any response, not only do I have to hope that I have the exact right angle and position, which changes every day, but I also need to only focus on specific parts of how it feels.  If I wanted to try and let my mind wander at all, it's more or less me deciding that I never want there to be any end result.  There is no thinking about even the things that I know my mind would enjoy, and when I'm done, there's no feeling of being done.  I'm not more turned on, or satisfied, or anything.  It just is. What I had remembered in this moment though, is how there would be times when Lux and I would be messaging each other, and while I was like

 Weeks ago, I put the idea into Lux's head that he should come for Rosh Hashanah.  That it would be a smaller holiday, and we wouldn't be inviting that many people, and still give him enough notice that he could sort of get his mind ready to go and do something again. And coming up to the holiday, I didn't get much notice from him on it.  No real answer either way about him coming to visit, which I understood, but was still difficult, because I wasn't sure what to do in some cases. He did show up though.  Just for a night rather than a full weekend, but time when we didn't have some running about to do, and could just catch up, be silly, and enjoy time together. It was everything I've wanted since the pandemic started.  No massive event, or elaborate adventure.  Just curled up with each other, with nothing remarkable going on.   I remember waking up in the morning, with his arms around me, and while all the sex we had was certainly beneficial for us, just that a

The rest of my time down with Kitty was a project.  Pyre is back down with him, sort of.  Lux helped move her back down, which meant getting some time with him, even if it was a short bit of time.  I would have liked to get some more time with him in, but he is digging out of his own life to get things managed, so I'm hoping we get time soon, but wasn't going to push. At the same time, Kitty was trying to deal with Fox leaving for some number of months.  Not just with the emotional aspect, but the mess that was the packing and prep process.  It was a long stressful situation that had Kitty running beyond fumes, and then the days afterward left him very not ok. It was hard, because half of my time there he really didn't have the spoons for me to be there.  It wasn't until the last day or so of my visit that he was prepared to actually have time with me, or contact, or anything.  There was this long period where I wanted nothing more than to help him, or try to make t

It's the last real block of time I have this summer before Squishy starts school again.  While a few people had taken off time in the window of what summercamp would have been, since I generally can't be at that event, I didn't feel offput by the lack of opening in everyone else's schedules.  However, I did find out that Kitty had a week off during the time that I would be able to adventure. So, I tried for the longest visit yet this year, and Pyre came to pick me up.  I spent the weekend with her, and got to see Lux for a short period, but for the first time since Pax.  I however, got no sleep, because Pyre's kitten somehow got swapped for a shit gremlin, and so she kept us up for two nights.  It meant that shortly after getting unpacked upon getting to Kitty's, I promptly passed out like the dead. And now, we get to enjoy a fairly quiet week with it just being the two of us during the day, even if dealing with some major life things.  It will be benefici

I'm always concerned with keeping a balance between my partners.  Making sure that they both know I have time for them, giving them what I can in regards to both needs and wants.  It's something that's always on my mind, and even more so when I have them both in a shared physical space. There's also a balance I'm used to in how I think of them when I'm away.  A feeling of missing Kitty due to our longer spans of absence, and a yearning for the more frequent familiarity that I get from Lux.  Both have their own comfort in the affection and importance held, but it's certainly a different sort of sensation. With seeing Kitty twice already this summer, I've noticed myself waking up with the same sort of feeling of missing him as I would Lux.  That memory of contact, and waking up snuggled in now fresh in my mind again. It's weird, honestly.  To wake up missing both of them the same way.  To need to sort through and figure out which one I want to ha