A New Devious Chapter

I've been reading a lot of articles lately about people looking for the perfect mate.  That they stay single forever because they won't give anyone a chance, even if it means getting a fantastic friendship out of it.  They all seem to reinforce that people need to take the risk to put themselves out there, and try going out with someone to see if something can blossom from it. There's something about this I don't like though. It looks like, with how they are all written, to seem as though everyone should be looking for a relationship at all times. And that, is bullshit. I know too many people that feel the need to be in a relationship.  That they need someone else to validate their life, and the idea of being single scares them to death. I know people who cling to the relationships they have, because they don't think they can do better, or could get anyone else, so they settle, and fear being single and having to find anyone else. Now, I am coming up on

DISCLAIMER: Angry rant time. Ready?  Here we go! My facebook has been full today of people posting links to articles about misogyny, feminism, and rape culture.  I read them, because I want to see women fighting for what they believe in. And then I just get pissed. They fight generalized statements with ones of their own, and it's such complete bullshit that it makes me want to crack skulls until I knock sense into them. I am a strong, determined, and intelligent woman.  I will fight to my end over something if I feel it is right, and won't back down from anyone.  If I'm ever told I can't do something, I will kill myself learning, just to prove them wrong. I am not a feminist. I will never claim to be. All of the scenarios I read about of blanket statements of misogyny?  I know and have seen the examples that make some people claim them.  Nothing is just a figment of imagination, for any gender.  We've all been fucked up by our interactions with other

Now that May is almost over, instead of just banking a ton of entries, I can give a real update. So, my life this month. Got to dance at Spring Caravan, and do a set with all the feels. Finished crocheting a full size blanket, and it is warm and squishy and amazing. Camped, and performed at West Windsor for the first time. Saw a ton of friends. Had sex with Lux.  A lot. Had to compromise with Lux about where he can hit me when I have a performance, so I can cover it up. Did a lot of drawing. Enrolled at Hogwarts.  No, seriously.  I'm doing homework for seven classes. Talked myself out of taking a lot of nudes, because while my dysmorphia is quieter, it's not gone. Helped my folks get ready for their trip out to Chicago. Got a fix of new Dresden Files. Played with chain mail, and learned new weaves. Pouted at Lux, because I wanted more sex. Got pissed off at the gnome. Officially stopped thinking about Thrax most days.  When I do, it's mostly that I feel o

It is no surprise shortly after meeting me to know that I love body modification.  I'm probably addicted to it in all honesty, and I have an incredibly long list of things I want to have done.  It's a mix of self expression, beauty, and each one is a new experience. I'm not quite sure why I love any of it so much though.  I mean, there's so many things to consider, but I just don't know what makes me crave it so badly, itch for it, and want to get them so constantly. Sure, there's the art.  Turning one's body into canvas is fantastic, and I love seeing someone express exactly who they are, and show that on the outside, becoming who they truly feel themselves to be.  It's absolutely beautiful, and I love knowing that I am a walking work of art with how different I am from the rest of society. And then there is the pain.  How every piercing, and tattoo feel so different, and how amazing it feels to get them done.  I'm an endorphin addict, and the

I've learned recently exactly how much people enjoy and expect simplicity and routine.  Or more accurately that I've been reminded of it again.  How people see one thing, and have no idea how to process if it isn't precisely what they expect. Throughout my life I've always just enjoyed having fantastic people in my life.  People who fall into whatever role they do, even if it is just an important person.  In fact, it seems that the closer I get to a person, the less likely I am to be able to have a title for them.  They leave the category of being a friend, and whether there is a romantic interest or not, they wind up having a place in my life all their own. See, I rarely actually give a shit about a person, and when I do, they become so much more to me than my friends, and I appreciate them having a spot in my life at all.  I don't look to attach a title, or a role to what they are to me, just because that seems limiting of everything they are to me. The more

I am very much the kind of person that enjoys physical contact with others.  Lots of little touches, and snuggles that make me content, and show how much I appreciate the other person. The thing is, contact with most people is weird for me.  It makes me twitch, twinge, and recoil.  There's only a few select people I enjoy being touched by, and most of them I've dated. Of the ones I haven't dated, most of them I would only snuggle with when we hung out alone.  Either one of us wasn't comfortable with the idea of showing any affection in public, or it simply wasn't the way we worked. There have really only been a couple people I've ever been snuggly with in public, even counting boyfriends.  Maybe a handful of people have ever been comfortable with me kissing them in front of anyone.  I'm not quite sure how it's worked that way, but it's usually never something I've asked of them, and on occasion, it would get to me. My dysmorphia is one of

While I most easily describe myself as a switch, when a ton of new orientations were available as options on Fetlife, I found primal, and swapped out to that one, keeping it ever since. A lot of people don't think it fits, and well, they aren't the people I fuck, or play with, because they obviously don't know me. No, I don't look to build a pack of playmates.  I don't associate myself as an animal, or participate in animal play.  I am a civilized human, who happens to listen to, and satiate the primal, feral thoughts in my head. If you've ever seen me stare into a fire, you've gotten the slightest idea of it.  How I will look in, losing myself with the energy it puts off, but finding peace in the way the flames dance. If you've watched me run through the woods, moving as if I've lived there my entire life.  Flying through the trees, with a smile on my face, just from feeling the wind in my hair, my fingertips along the trees, and listening t

I do enjoy time by myself.  Time to work, and parse through my thoughts.  To clean, and cook, and bake, and let my creative process start putting a project together.  I love to read, and listen to whatever I can at the same time, trying to keep my mind as stimulated as possible, and absorb as much as I can. The easiest way to explain my spiritual beliefs is by saying I'm Pagan.  I practice Magick, and believe in the old Gods.  I however, do not take my energy from them, but from all the living things in the world.  I borrow a little of the excess put off by everything around me, and work with that. I swear, this is relevant with where I'm going. Now, when I'm spending my time alone, I start to get tired around 2200.  I usually spend the last hour or so before bed putting together anything I need for the next day, cleaning up my things that got taken out, showering, and finally passing out. If I'm spending time with a friend or two, I usually have energy b

It's very uncommon for me to find one partner that can keep up with how much sex I actually want.  Most of them can last long enough for me to really start getting turned on, and then can't go another round, or they simply don't want to fuck as often as I want to. And that's cool, really. The simple solution to this is just having more than one partner, but here's the catch; I generally don't want to play with more than one person at a time. I've never been one of the people that fantasized about threesomes, or orgies.  When they finally started happening in my late teens, I found that they were usually just not my thing. The easiest reason to explain is that I'm straight.  I don't want to do anything sexual with another female, and if the male partner I'm with is also straight, chances are he's going to want another girl there, and he'll probably be dumb and want me on the other girl.  It was the case in my first few threesomes.

A bit of a warning, this will be a rambling coredump of thoughts, and might take a bit of reading over to process completely. A year ago I was not me. I had no confidence in myself, no inspiration, and felt like the biggest failure in the world.  I was in an absolute rut that I had no idea how to get out of, and I hated it.  To top it off, I was in a relationship that had me feeling lower and lower all the time, like I was being used, and just a convenient afterthought. Ten months ago Thrax dumped me over the phone, not listening to a word I said, and giving his usually myriad of excuses through the thing.  I could tell he just couldn't remember his stories, and while I was torn apart, and needed some kind of static aspect to my life as I made the decision to change everything else, this couldn't have been better for me. I remember hating the idea of it.  Fighting it being the truth, even though I knew all the bullshit I had been through.  Having crying fits, and

I'm into a lot.  It's generally easier to talk about my limits or what I'm not into than explain everything I do enjoy. However, I'm not always craving all of it, and I expect no partner to dig everything that I do.  It's part of what makes each of us fun, and a new experience with all the things we can do together, with however many partners. There are of course, things I do always want.  Things that no matter who I'm with, I look forward to.  I want force.  No matter what role I happen to be in at the time.  I want that unbridled desire, that puts us both into a feral display of lust.  It's something I need in order to enjoy any sort of play or sex. However, cravings for pain, bondage, blood, power exchange, and any number of other things can come and go with my mood, and especially my partners.  When I know what fun I can have with someone, what they enjoy, and what we dig the most with one another, my tastes will change to want that more. It'

My love of pain and body modification goes pretty far back.  I remember being rather young, and being told that tattoos hurt, and the process, and not caring, and thinking about the ones I would get in the future, and already considering my body canvas. I remember doing martial arts, and taking extra pain, sitting in submission holds until the time ran out, because I knew I would win anyway. And yet, there are things I cannot do, or see. When I get pierced, I cannot watch the needle enter my skin.  I'm not nervous, I just for some reason don't want to see something going through my skin.  Once it is through, I can look down at the needle without issue, and don't jump at the point of piercing. At a more extreme point, is hook suspension.  Massive sharp pieces of metal, penetrating flesh, then being hooked to chains, and pulling one's body from the earth. I used to not be able to even look at it.  From flesh hooks to flight, I couldn't see, or panic internal

I was perusing Tumblr the other day, and found a picture of a woman's throat with a piece of string wrapped around it.  It struck me with an incredible amount of meaning, and symbolism about the collars we use to define our dynamics. The string was nothing special.  A simple piece of twine, but it got me thinking.  It was similar to how some people would tie a string around their finger to remember to do something.  Something they look at, and touch, and can keep the idea in their head. However, in this case it wasn't around the woman's finger.  It was at her throat.  A vital, and vulnerable area.  A part of the body that in the wrong hands, could make us lose our consciousness, cripple, or even kill us. And we hand that over to someone we trust.  Someone who wouldn't harm what we give, but will protect it. It doesn't matter what is wrapped around a woman's throat.  It could be an elaborate silver collar, engraved and delicate, or something as simple as

While life is fairly calm right now, I'm finding myself flailing to get caught up with everything coming up. Performances are coming up, and I need to find the motivation to dance more.  I know that once I turn on the music and devote time to it, I'll be fine, and find my addiction to wiggling again, but it seems thrown away right now. Getting everything started to begin making costuming is taking longer than anticipated, which I should have realized.  It sometimes feels like I'm failing for an impossible result. While I feel inspired to work on things, they are often not the right things.  There is so much I need to do lately, and even though I should be playing with chain and fabric, I am compelled toward drawing.  Which I manage to finish quickly, but I need to figure out a way to balance my projects that need to happen, with what I want to make. I'm feeling restless, and off.  I need a few days away from home I think.  To really figure out how I want to hand

Limits are important.  I will never think that having limits makes someone weak, or boring.  I myself have own share of them, some out of preference, and some for psychological reasoning that I simply need to keep out of my play to have me stay happy and content while with another person. I am always sure to consider someone else's limits when playing with them, so they can stay comfortable with me, and know they will be just as respected and I would want from them. When I have a more "permanent" dynamic though, I hand myself over, limits and all. I know, I know, cue the no-limit slave arguments. Seriously though, who is going to cut off someone's arm?  Or who would give themselves to someone where that might be a concern?  If you're going to engage in a serious dynamic, I would hope that you've spent the time to build respect between each other, developed trust, and care deeply about one another. And part of that means even surrendering your limits

I fear stagnation.  In every aspect of my life. I need regular change, and break from any routine.  I don't want any part of my life to become so predictable that I can walk myself through myself through my day. It's why I cycle through so many different art mediums.  I don't want to burn out on any of them, so I will jump from one to another, to keep myself inspired, and in love with all of them. I need adventure.  To leave the house, and wander the woods, or something away from home, even just for an hour. New recipes, things to learn, all aspects of life need change and evolution. Including sexy time. I hate the idea of sex being the same.  Considering all the kink I'm into (And I in no expect one partner to share every kink that I do) sex should never become routine. However, my last two relationships both had sex stagnate into the same five minute script.  To the point where I could almost tell where my exes hands would move, how their breathing would

Thrax used to just call me a tank. I can take a hell of a beating, and enjoy every second of it. No, really.  To the point where people watching would fear that I would have serious injury or death, and a minute or so later, I'd completely walk it off like it never happened. Most sadists try to call my bluff, and I've wound up wearing out more than one without coming close to my limit. To top it off, it takes a lot to mark me up, and I heal incredibly quickly. I was made for pain. Do I expect anyone else to take the amount of pain I do?  Oh fuck no.  I'd never have anyone take the beating I can, and it often keeps me from indulging in my own sadistic desires, because I crave someone with my own tolerance to rip to shreds. And I don't fault anyone with a lower tolerance than myself.  I'm fairly numb to sensation because of my high pain tolerance.  We all have our strengths, and quirks, and things that can make each of us fun to play with. Now, I tend to

The good: My brother dumped the cunt he was seeing!  We've only been trying to get them to break up for six of the seven years they've been together!  I get my brother back.  This is fantastic, because my brother is one of the only blood relatives I have who I really care about. I had a bonfire over the weekend, and got to spend time with some good friends, and a few people I hadn't seen in a while.  There was lots of silliness, wiggling, drums, fire, cigars, and positive energy that I've needed lately.  Lux came by, and after spoiling him with good food, and lots of fire, we snugglefucked for hours, then got way less sleep than we should have. I'm finally starting to make a bit of a dent in my project list, and it's seeming somewhat manageable.  Dance classes are starting soon, and the girls my mom works with all want chainmaille jewelry from me, which means everything is getting started.  It's just the kick I need to stay inspired. The bad: My pare

After so many posts about the workings of my brain lately, it's time for a real world update. I've moved out of the apartment with Thrax.  I couldn't stand being there anymore, with him either ignoring me, being an ass, moments of being apologetic, and hearing how insecure his girl is.  I have moved back in with my parents (I know, I said I wouldn't) because three weeks of not talking to them was a reality check that they needed. They're actually being encouraging, though my father is still fairly clueless about my life.  It's not something I'm surprised about, but so far they're being much better than they ever have been. I'm also swamped with projects, be it sewing, drawing, crochet, or chain maille.  I love being able to hop between mediums, and stay inspired to work on all of it.  April is entirely devoted to getting through as much as possible, because I've got quite a few performances in May. Being back here also lets me start teach

I grew up with the normal over-protective parents.  Worried about the idea of their child having sex, and how responsibly they would go about it. Well, I'm the youngest, with an older sister who is drastically more overweight than I am.  Between that, and my older brother threatening any boy that looked at her, she never even had a boyfriend until she was graduated from High School. I was a nerd though.  Tiny, petite, and able to hold my own, I almost exclusively had male friends, and they were nearly all older than me. So, my mother decided to pump into my head at a young age that boys only wanted to fuck me, and couldn't possibly be friends with me.  That sex outside of a relationship was bad, and that wanting sex as a female was wrong. Well, yes, a lot of my male friends wound up wanting to fuck me.  I however, had no problem telling them I wasn't interested, and a good number of my male friends were just that.  They had no issue just being friends, and they'