A New Devious Chapter

I noticed yesterday how hard I am on myself when it comes to what I work on. My father and I have been working on a set of bog chairs for me to use at events.  Two large ones for Lux and I, and one small one for the beast (or me if I don't want to lug all the big chairs).  We've got them cut, sanded, and I just did some work with the dremel to put pretty designs into the wood before painting and staining. Well, I went to do the lines with a paint pen on the one for Lux, and the paint exploded out, all over the wood, seeping in and staining it. A freak out later, and my dad was giving me some sandpaper to see if I could sand just the paint off.  It worked a bit, but I could still see it there.  Big blobs of blue, standing out and screaming at me how terrible they looked on something meant to be taken out in public. Then my father looked at it, and said he couldn't really notice it that much, and once we got a good coat of stain on it, it would look good. I sent a pictur

The holidays are never really a happy joyous time for me.  They often just act as a reminder of how unbalanced things are with my parents, and a cultivator of stress. This year is acting as no exception. My mother decided that me making gifts is cheaper than buying them so for three weeks I did nothing but crochet, when I had my own things to work on.  My hands got to the point where they ached, but my constantly throwing finished products at my mother had her more or less off my back.  My father however thinks that I just look at yarn and it magically transforms though, so he's constantly trying to get me to do things that would honestly just create more work than help. I've taken over most of the holiday preparations as a whole.  I'm currently in the midst of the cookiepocalypse, and losing even more time to work on my own things. Really lately I find that I'm so busy working on things for my family while being dragged down by them, that I'm losing myself

I've mentioned previously that Lux and I had started accepting the accidental dynamic that fell into place between us.  It's only been a step at a time, and carefully at that, knowing that he is still off kilter from his last relationship, and all the shit I dealt with while with Thrax.  We've had no real problems thus far, making sure to take care of each other along the way, and maintaining a good balance. In person, it's smooth.  Like a well oiled machine, it just works.  Lux is often the one to feel off at points, and with plenty of snuggles and reassurance, we're both back to a happy exchange. When we're apart (which has been more often than not lately) we text through the day, and occasionally, the exchange becomes more apparent between us.  He refers to me as his slave (and that possessiveness honestly makes me just want to snuggle in with him and squee) and I call him master in response, because he does make me feel all safe and content.  I feel at p

As it is Thanksgiving, I thought today should be spent doing the obligatory post of everything the I am thankful for. Positivity: I have far more positive influence in my life than I think I ever have.  I have this mix of people who have been around forever, people who have only grown close in the last couple years, and people who are newer to my life that encourage me and show such affection and love. Dance: I am grateful for the ability to dance, and the fantastic experience it brings.  Being able to teach and spread what is essentially a language of movements, as well as being able to shake my ass around while cleaning, or spending time on stage, it has helped me build more body confidence, and be healthy. Beast: The little beast teaches me so much, and truly is a little ball of squishy love.  She's at the age now where we actually discuss philosophy, and it's done with a clean slate of someone who hasn't been influenced by random things they hear.  She gives me th

Lately I've been thinking over different ways I could be happy.  Things I enjoy, and how I feel most content. I remember hanging out with Zero, when I was only about fourteen, and telling him that I don't really want someone to do everything for me, and I would much rather take care of someone else. Well, you know, the more things change, the more they stay the same. I enjoy doing for people, which I explained in very early in this blog.  I show affection and care through service, and enjoy doing all the little things for people, to take a bit of weight off their shoulders, and so that they know they don't need to do for me. This carries over to power exchange for me I find.  On either side, I look into ways to take care of those I share a dynamic with.  Which is difficult to explain when I have a dominant role, or at least less common, but gives me a comfy spot into some form of domestic servitude. I enjoy taking care of a home.  I enjoy feeding people, and creat

With the holidays coming up, things have been hectic at home.  So, a more vanilla update of things going on. I've basically taken over the majority of the work for the holidays.  I'm planning the large meals, and organizing shopping lists and making sure we have everything.  I've made my plan for the cookiepocalypse, and have been put in charge of all the baking, because about half the recipes are now my own which no one else knows.  My mother realized how quickly I can crochet, and so I'm making gifts for everyone. Then top off with everything I wanted to make for people otherwise, writing here, cleaning, and still teaching dance, I'm a bit busy lately. This is also paired up with long (for me) dry spells from sex, which has me feeling frazzled and cranky.  I notice it kicking in, and try to fight it, but it creeps into my mood regardless. I feel myself falling away from social media lately.  When I log on, I notice it's all just negativity and mindless

I spent last weekend up with Lux. We hadn't seen each other in three weeks, had no plans to go anywhere, and just wanted time to relax and reset with each other. I was supposed to be able to spend an extra couple of days there, but due to the gnome, I wouldn't have those days without the squish.  So just a normal length weekend for us then. On Friday, I rode up north with the squish, and then met with Lux for the second leg of the trip.  We wound up not being able to grab proper food on the ride, so a quick snack, and once we were done, we were molesting each other in the car, unable to wait until we got back to the apartment. When we did finally get back, we began the near constant fucking, and mission to break in all the areas of the apartment that we didn't get to last time.  Which included a giggly failed attempt at fucking in his super tiny shower.  During the small windows of time we weren't having sex, we were often snuggled up close on the couch, enjoying

Today. It's been ten years today, and it hurts like it just happened even still. A full decade since one of the closest people I've ever had in my life killed himself.  The anniversary of his death is still a bad day for me every year, and I'll likely sleep with the doll he made me again, just like I do every year to have some part of him near me. He was actually my sister's friend first, but as he was around longer, he shifted to being more my friend than hers.  He wasn't just getting stoned with me like he would with her, but going on adventures, and discussing abstract topics and literature.  We barely hugged, but the way we simply acted like we'd never be apart spoke of our care for each other. Across the street from him were some mutual friends we would hang out with most days.  He pretty much lived there rather than with his dad, and we all did pretty much everything together. On the weekends we would play lasertag and sing karaoke.  Yes.  In the

I notice a lot of people tend to look for some sort of justification of violence in their dynamic.  That they need to look for a reason to engage in any sort of sadomasochistic play that won't make them feel guilty.  I do believe the most common excuse for this tends to be the aspect of "funishment". Telling the bottom they've been bad, or making outlandish rules to be broken, or simply the bottom acting up in order to get beaten. And dear gods, I absolutely cannot have this in a dynamic. I don't ever want to be told that I'm bad, or naughty or any of that as a method of dirty talk.  I don't want to think of myself that way.  I am devious, and definitely mischievous.  I will make you think carefully before ordering me to do things, and constantly challenge you, but I will never do anything deemed wrong, against the rules given to me, or to hurt you (you know, in a not sexy way.) When those words start going out, it instantly takes my mind to a new

So, my Thursday class is with my first student I ever took on.  She never practices at home, so I have to make sure to kick her butt every week, and sharpen everything myself with her. We also went to elementary school together. And a ton of other weird connections that makes the world feel much smaller. So, you get the point that we're friends outside of dance class. She has taken on a job with a cruise line, and a few weeks ago came home for her off season, which is why we've been able to have weekly classes.  This paired up with the fact that she dumped the boy she was seeing when she last left, has caused her to make some decisions that are to me, rather questionable. While she was dating one of my other friends, she would go on about how she would withhold sex unless he promised her rope work.  And not just tying her wrists up, but full harnesses, and binding her completely down to the bed.  She would then bitch about how sex often hurt because her junk was very shallo

Of all the things that turn me on, one of the ones that I get to indulge in least is actually one of my favorite kinks.  It's something that joins into so many other things get off from, but I experience it so seldom. Fear. Oh dear sweet fuck do I love fear and horror and gore. If something scares me, it's almost guaranteed that if a partner were to walk up and check, they'd notice me soaking through my jeans with how wet I am.  Actually feeling threatened and out of control drops my non-existent panties, and blood is far and away my favorite body fluid. And it's a simple explanation for it. I'm an adrenaline addict. In all things, I look for a rush.  Instead of running to drugs, or artificial means of producing a high, I want my actions themselves to produce a natural one. Pain releases endorphins that make me float and I'm instantly giddy.  Driving fast, fighting, hell, even the stage fright I feel before dancing elicit a high that I revel in. One of my

The last few weeks have had such an insane amount going on, I feel like I can't relax.  I'm either going to perform, or have a thousand things to do, or have been helping Lux with the move. And all these things are fun, and productive and I enjoy them.  Don't get me wrong, I love keeping busy, but it's been so much I haven't had a break. Being home is more stressful than not.  My parents have a habit of taking their frustrations out on me, and use me more as an emotional punching bag than anything.  The gnome likes to try and dick me around, and any time I want to get out and do anything, it becomes a project just to make sure the beast is supervised.  It all adds up to me not being able to even clear my head here. On the bright side, I'm back to teaching again, dancing regularly by myself.  I already notice myself getting into better shape after a few weeks, and I'm trying to go back to my normal nutrition nerd ways to really feel better and hopefully

A while ago, I had a friend randomly text me with a question. "If two couples go out, it's a double date, and if you go out with a romantic prospect, it's a date, so what do you call it when a couple takes out a possible third?" And I sat and thought about it, wondering why it needed to be that difficult.  Why we needed to label our interactions with others, and figure out ways to classify everything we did in their own little piles. My response to her was "It is a date.  However, my answer may be a bit skewed compared to many you would ask.  For me, a date is any time I'm out with someone, and we put the rest of life aside for a while.  No phones, or work, or distraction.  Simply time focused on the people involved." She loved the answer, and felt satisfied with it. Then I remembered one boy I used to work with.  He was a bit younger than me, but was constantly worrying if she was viewing their time as dates, or if he should consider them that inste

I love that I have a bunch of series on here by the way, just a random thought before starting this. It's been mentioned here before that I don't watch porn.  I get bored rather than turned on, and while I am constantly horny, I seldom find my mind wandering through fantasies (perhaps as a defense mechanism) though I will look back on some particularly fun recent encounters often enough. However, I do use Tumblr.  And my tumblr is pretty much just porn.  Small little images, gifs, and thoughts that I find attractive, or that I can relate to.  They usually don't turn me on than other porn would, but I find it more fun to take in these little tidbits and passing thoughts than actually sitting down to watch porn (which, really, I can't sit through a whole TV show, why the hell would I be able to watch porn?) There are a few things that I've noticed in the many gifs of hetero-fucking that I scroll through on my dashboard, and I know that nothing in porn should be

You hear boys saying all the time that they don't get to fuck often enough.  That their girl turns them down on the regular, and how they wish they had someone to have sex with more frequently. And then I come along, and say that I always want to fuck unless I'm really sick, or totally mentally broken.  That I want to go as often as I possibly can, as hard as I possibly can, and as long as I possibly can. Those guys?  Yea, they're chomping at the bit, saying there is no way I could have a higher sex drive than they do, and that they can't wait to prove it. Well, one of them winds up being a friend, and we start fucking. In the beginning, they attribute it to the new partner craze where you can't stop banging.  The honeymoon phase in relationships.  But it doesn't slow down.  In fact, as I get more comfortable, I just want to bump uglies more and more frequently.  To top things off, one round with most guys is just enough to get me completely turned on, s

This weekend was a bonfire to get rid of a ton of scrap wood my father had handed me, and told me to get rid of.  A few friends showed up, despite a lot of them bailing, but it was still a good time. Lux actually made the trip down for it, so we got lots of snuggletime, and he crashed at my place, which meant my bed was fantastically warm. It also meant a lot of sex, and while the weekend prior was fun, I did enjoy getting to have him to myself for a night, and getting to fuck him for as long as I wanted (mostly). I've also noticed that in the last few weeks, during our more private sessions, there has been increasingly more power exchange going on.  That accidental dynamic that we didn't really pay attention to?  The one that I know I mentioned about a month or so back?  Yea, we've definitely decided to dive into it.  It's just a step at a time, and honestly it supplements our normal interactions more than anything, but it's an incredibly comforting thing. At

Last weekend I had a somewhat impromptu trip up to Lux's apartment with a mutual friend (the one I posted about a couple weeks ago)  to help him get settled in.  This of course also involved getting to break in his new place by fucking as much as we possibly could in every room.  I went through the week prepping a box of some things he needed, and plotting with him all the wonderful sexy thoughts that go through our heads every day. I have to say, I was a bit nervous at first.  Not even so much for how sex would go, as Lux is incredibly respectful, and often paranoid of me and how I'm doing, but of simply being around Nessa for that long of a drive, and then for the remaining time.  I often have problems being around people for extended doses.  This is especially true when I don't have other people to use as a buffer.  I however packed up my tablet to read, and my pliers to play with Lux's rings, and told myself that so long as I could manage the drive I'd be fine

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One of the things that contributes most to people mistaking my sexual orientation is the fact that I will still play with girls.  I am often heard saying that I love beating up girls, and have no issue tying them up, breaking their minds, or beating the shit out of them. And then when I say I'm straight, they just don't understand. Even when I offer to play with female friends, they don't quite get it. Because I offer them non-sexual playtime. For some reason, the ability to separate play and sex is such a rare thing in my area.  And sure, sometimes I want all the kink in my sex. But more often than not, there is no sex in my kink. I'm not talking about the occasional play session that doesn't end in me bouncing on a cock. I mean that a good majority of my experience with play barely involves removing clothes.  There is no interaction with genitalia, no smooches, no sex at all.  And this concept confuses the fuck out of people. Until they pl

Oh yea, that's right, I actually feel the need to type this up lately.  Never assume anything about me.  I will surprise you.  From the first moment, to years later, there will be things about me that you will not expect, and assuming the wrong thing, and treating me that way will only kill your chances.  Common things that occur with this are my sexuality, orientation, or gullibility. Don't try and get anywhere the first time we hang out in person.  Sure, we can talk sex, and play and all of it, but don't suggest anything.  I've got a very strict "No play on the first date" policy, and trying to break it, will result in me breaking you. No means no, but yes does not mean push further.  If I'm cool with something, enjoy that.  I'll take things further if I'm comfortable with it.  Trust me, I have no issue taking the initiative sexually. Make the first move.  Yes, this means after we've hung out at least once.  Even just a small comment o