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Reminders

Lux came to visit and spend some quiet time with me last weekend.  It was a fantastic time to really relax, and clear my head, and be silly.  There was also a ton of groping and sex, even if not the play we had planned.  Still, I absolutely loved every minute, and wish I could have gone back north with him, to keep that fun peace going. My pain tolerance was particularly high, and I was craving either snuggly slow sex, or incredibly rough and violence fucking.  At certain points, I got both. Also, I spoke earlier of how voices have a serious effect on me.  Lux would be one of those people who knows how.  There are times when he can order me to cum, and I will be nowhere close until he says it.  Then it's right there and happening.  There's also been times when I will sit right on the edge of getting off until he tells me to, unable to actually get my body to let go.  There's also times when he's being particularly domly, and being all objectifying, then gives me a l

The Problem with Words

I'm a language nerd.  Whether it is listening to the speech patterns of others, or learning the odd ways that the English language works, I am absolutely enthralled with communication.  Whenever I can, I will teach myself bits of other languages and dialects; learning the littlest inflections on accents to make sure everything sounds and translates perfectly.  One of my favorite innate skills is actually my ability to understand spoken language, being able to translate for people, even if I can't speak a word of it. On Christmas, I posted some examples of how I also enjoy simply listening to some voices.  Not in the ASMR aspect, as I don't really enjoy that, but some voices turn me on at a normal speaking tone, far more than most people realize, and more than the vast majority of my partners in the past had thought to utilize. And no, I'm not necessarily referring to dirty talk, but I'm getting there.  Simply having serious conversation in the right tone will ma

Words Words Words Words Words

If you haven't been able to tell, I'm rather comfortable using what would normally be considered "foul" language.  I swear a lot (though not around the beast) and try to turn insults and threats into an art form of sorts. However, if you pay attention, there are a few terms that are normally considered fairly tame, that I find awkward to use, and so they are simply written here to provide variety, and I never say them in person. I don't find them offensive, they just feel odd for me to say. It's one term each for both type of human genitalia. Pussy- I just find it silly to say.  It feels awkward, and I don't feel like it seems appropriate to my methods of speech.  I'd much rather say "Vagina" "Cunt" or "Va-goo". Dick- It sounds infantile.  However, there are a hundred thousand more terms for male genitals that I can constantly be creative and pull out random funny terms.  Usually though, I just say "

Silliness, and distractions

So, I went to Wicked Faire last weekend, despite having no intention of going.  I also wound up getting snowed into the hotel, along with all of my performer friends who had intended on leaving. Which meant that I stayed far longer than I normally would have, and got to see the entire con go a little insane. While the last concert of the evening was going on, music was playing outside.  This new venue has a large central hub type area, where some rooms even have balconies overlooking the space.  It's really quite beautiful. Music may have turned into a silly dance party. Which then may have turned into Journey.  When everyone came out of their rooms.  And started singing together. Yes, an entire con full of people, all singing and dancing in one giant karaoke type ruckus.  The only word to describe it was magical. With everyone still singing, I was supposed to go play with a friend, who was interested in actually getting to unload and beat me up.  He borrowed a room for

How to Confuse a Con Full of Kinky Folk

So, last weekend Lux, Nessa, and I went off to Flea.  The whole weekend was a fun time, with lots of giggles, new toys, and a generally chill vibe. I also realized how much Lux and I confuse people. Apparently, I was putting off a very toppy vibe.  As a switch, I usually seem very toppy, but being a tiny female, people sometimes instantly peg me as just a submissive.  I find that how I dress can change this up a lot.  I've stopped wearing collars as a form of jewelry, but will sometimes wear something that is obviously a choker.  Even when wearing more skimpy stuff, there is enough masculinity to how I dress that it stays pretty level. Usually people talk to me like a top, because I generally look at product for my own use.  And if it isn't, I'm generally running off to grab someone else.  I also tend to have obvious energy of how I feel towards those around me.  If there is one thing true about me, it's that I absolutely cannot send mixed signals. So, I'm a

Helping

So, Lux, being his sexy self, has decided to get into voice porn. If your panties didn't immediately drop, you just don't know him yet. Right now, he's still getting used to it, but he's keeping up with it, and I've been helping him by throwing ideas around, looking over scripts, and listening to recordings to make sure they are up to par. Oh, the horrors of my life, having to make sure my partner who has a super sexy deep voice records things clearly. However shall I deal with this burden? With the release of the fifty shades movie over Valentine's, and with Lux and I going to Flea, we came up with the best plan ever! You see, neither of us likes fifty shades, but it did create a huge pool of terrible parody books. And so, I went hunting. Oh yes!  This is going exactly where you think it is. I found a myriad of terrible parodies, and sent him excerpts from each.  I even sent him one entire series of parodies, because they were that funny.  I

Not Always Necessary

I was listening to a podcast the other day, and it started discussing the idea of switches in power exchange relationships.  It talked about how a switch can be very capable of having a stable and static dynamic with one person, which I absolutely agreed with, and enjoyed hearing, because a lot of people claim it isn't the case. What I didn't like about it however, was that it very adamantly pushes that switches must have open relationships, and need to have multiple partners so that they can constantly be satiating both sides of a power exchange. And while this may be true for some switches, I absolutely do not fit into that category. I can very happily have one partner, a steady dynamic, and not feel an unwavering need for more.  Admittedly, I do on occasion get slight cravings for the other side when this is the case, just because I haven't had the chance to indulge in it for a while, and it becomes apparent.  Usually, it comes out for a bit in the relationship I d

Need to Know

While talking to some friends recently the conversation turned to this: "We know you're not officially dating [Lux], but how do you deal with him fucking other girls?" "He tells me ahead of time it might happen, and then I yell at him to go rape people, leave giant handprints on their ass for me, and tell me about it afterward." "Wait... you WANT to know?  If I was in a relationship that allowed my partner to fuck around, I wouldn't want to know any of it." "Well, you might be more mentally stable than I." And I meant that honestly.  I have no problem with a partner fucking someone else, or playing with others.  So long as they are consistent with how they treat me, follow basic respectful rules (things like condoms, alerting me of possible new partners) and let me know what happens. I love having the comfort to encourage partners to go elsewhere.  I know they'll come back, and we'll snuggle, and giggle, and have the awe

Unable to be Anyone Else

I notice a lot of popularity in the scene tends to be around people finding space where they become someone else.  Age regression, Pet spaces, and other forms of dehumanization seem to be everywhere lately, and I'm never quite sure how I feel about it. I know every case is different, but I never know whether to look at it more as having to remove themselves from a situation to embrace sexuality, or that they are so comfortable with themselves that they can be someone else as well. I know that personally, I could never do it.  When it comes to my sexuality, and even switching, I'm always me.  I have to be.  I could be snuggled up with Lux, fixing him coffee, and kneeling at his feet, while giving tasks to another submissive, and never once feel confused or lose myself in the process. I've got a lot of self confidence issues (surprise!) that may have become less apparent, or even barely existent over the years, but have impacted my sexuality as a whole.  I need to know

One Does Not Define the Other

There are many reasons why I do not speak about sexuality, or sex in general with my parents.  The following are a few of those reasons. We have a lot of people in and out of the house normally.  It's always been the case, and lately, we've had the family of my brother's childhood best friend (who is basically my adopted brother) here all the time.  As an adorable side note, their son who is just younger than the beast, is her best friend.  Friendship down generations is the cutest. So, girlfriend of said adopted brother comes over for dinner a few days a week.  She missed one of her normal days, and so we checked in with her, and she said she was at a sex toy party, and would be over that night for leftovers. When she came over, she and my mother were talking, discussing how she intends to throw a party herself, and wants me to go (which I would rather not, for a multitude of reasons), and that she is throwing the party so that she can get the vibrator she wants, whi

100 Posts Later

Well, since this is my hundredth post to this blog, and it's right around the one year mark, I figure a real update is appropriate. Things have finally calmed down now that all the holidays and birthdays are done.  Now I can focus on learning, and making, and getting myself into a much healthier situation, both physically and psychologically. I've definitely formed the habit of working out every day that I can.  My body is changing, I find myself with more energy, and my flexibility and strength are improving.  It's greatly helping my body image issues to quiet down, and helps my mood a lot over all.  It's also encouraging me to eat better, and not have junk food or huge portions that will bog me down.  Finally, the kick in the ass that I apparently needed to give myself. Lux, Nessa and I are off to a convention for Valentine's Day, and it has me plotting all sorts of things.  I want to print out lots of cute cards, and make cookies, and pack super cute outfit

Blame it on the Weather

It's been insanely cold lately.  We had snow the other night, and it was actually a couple inches of accumulation. I've noticed that the cold affects my mood a lot.  Instead of yearning for the warmth to run through the woods, it makes me just want to stay in.  It makes me miss Lux a lot, and just want some time with him enjoying the quiet bite of winter. I find myself craving teas, and hot cocoa.  To curl up under a ton blankets, with books and movies.  I've been wanting to bake to keep the house warm and cozy.  I want the comfort of time together, and close snuggly happy things that just make the rest of the world sort of pause. And sure, it makes me want to have all form of messy snugglefucks, but most things do. The holidays are done, and the stress from that is gone.  Now I just want to relax and enjoy the beautiful stillness of winter with someone.

Not the End Goal

While talking to my mother the other day, she said a lot of things that really got under my skin, but one of the things she said was "You know, your father and I just keep hoping you'll find a boy to marry and take care of you and the baby." Now, my parents have been married damn near forever.  My mom was 19 when she got married, and just 18 when she met my dad.  My father is three years older.  It became very apparent to me at some point that a side effect of their marrying young seemed to keep them from maturing psychologically. And her comments on marriage always kind of bother me.  She believes that a couple should go from casually seeing each other to engaged.  I'm talking within a six month span.  That if you're not getting married, it's a waste of a relationship, and that you shouldn't talk to any other guys while you're engaged. Now, I'm the kind of person who doesn't really romanticize marriage the way most people do.  I never ha

Storytime Three! or I'm Blaming All of This on Lux

While I never had a terribly large pool of partners at any one time, I've always had a fairly active sex life.  Even in my younger teens, before I started having intercourse, I was fooling around with a few partners several times a week.  I always thought this was normal. I didn't acknowledge the idea of where my sex drive laid out on a scale, because I didn't have female friends to bounce off of, and talking to any guy about it just made them think I wanted to fuck.  So, I figured wanting to have some sort of sexual contact constantly was just how things were for everyone.  In fact, I remember Kitty at one point stating that he never expected me to want to fool around as much as he did, because his sex drive was so high, and wondering what he meant, and that I thought he was normal, due to wanting to fool around as much as I did.  I surprised him further when I told him how often I was hooking up with guys, and he remarked at how while he had significantly more partners

Digital Dating

We're expected to have someone.  Dating sites, social networking, online forums; we're all obligated to have a significant other. We have apps designed to pair together people just of appearance alone. These apps throw us together, and we chat once. Well, we don't hate each other, and there is a physical attraction. Dating begins. Facebook official. Selfies making out. Constant communication. Posting of how they are meant to be. Seeing the happiness of everyone. Expecting perfection. Expecting to give up everyone else for the sake of a one week old "serious" relationship. Talking to friends leads to jealous fits. Not instantly replying creates paranoia. Personality clashes because you never took the time to see how you meshed. Thinking you're doomed, because you only see the good in everyone else's lives. I hate what relationships have turned into at this point.  We go from a friend request online, to engaged, to hatefu

The Thought That Counts

Recently, especially with the beast, I've been realizing how much I enjoy having hand made things.  Whether making them myself, making things for others, or seeing what others create, I love having things made by human hands, with love and energy and history in every fiber and piece.  It makes me think of them, and the skill and talent they have. And being able to pass those things on, makes it all even better.  To have things, and remember seeing them from years ago when they were someone else's and now they've found their way to you, still able to serve some purpose, and bring joy. I love to make things. For myself, or for others.  It's one of the biggest ways that I show affection, and I will run myself ragged making and doing for others, because I want to help them, and do what I can to make their world a better place. And sometimes it's just a doodle. Sometimes it's a plushie. Sometimes clothing. Sometimes a piece of jewelry that leave my hands in

All Bodies are Equal

It's a recurring thing with certain friends of mine that I can't stand, especially being friends with so many guys.  Even Thrax had the same issue, even though he refused to admit it.  And of course, because I'm the more understanding friend, they talk to me about it, thinking I'll just smile and nod and be all about it. For some reason, a large percentage of my male friends tell their girlfriends that they can go and have sex with other girls or "cheat on them" with girls, and it's ok.  But not guys.  They aren't even allowed to talk to other guys. Also that they are trying to convince their girlfriends to find a girlfriend. Without skipping a beat, I always respond with "So, does that mean you're looking for a boyfriend, and are fucking other guys, while not talking to other girls?" To which they say no, of course not, but they think their girlfriend with another girl is hot, so it's ok. COMMENCE ME FLIPPING MY SHIT. Che

Not so Solid Planning

For a few days after Christmas, I went up with Lux to visit his place, and have some time to ourselves.  We had planned to go to the movies, have a ton of sex, be violent, and snuggle with a bunch of movies.  It was going to be some solid time of killing stress, and taking care of all the cravings we'd had over the holidays. Well, we killed stress and snuggled.  There was still some sex, though no where near as much as normal for us, because we were both happy just curled up playing video games, and felt at peace enjoying hanging out together.  Half the movies we wanted to watch fell to the wayside for gaming, and shorter youtube videos, and the desire to simply lounge on the couch cuddled and naked won out to putting on clothes to see what we had planned to out. And it was perfect, honestly.   No real worries of trying to get things done, or scheduling anything.  There wasn't even power exchange other than how we normally wind up handling things, and there didn't need

Random Sights of Insecurity

While perusing the Tumblr, I saw something on one of those random little surveys that someone had done.  A question that asked if the person had ever cheated on a partner before. Their response was that they hadn't physically, but they had emotionally. And this got me thinking about when the gnome accused me of cheating on him emotionally with Felix.  After he had been cheating on me with some unknown number people, lied to me constantly, treated me like shit and a myriad of other things. No, I'm not saying cheating should ever be a justifiable option, but his accusation was based purely off of his own insecurity.  He was being an asshole, so he assumed I must be too. Cheating is a conscious decision.  You make the decision to do something, the decision to follow through, and the decision to keep it from others.  Drunk isn't an excuse, depressed isn't an excuse, you yourself make the decision to do something you feel you need to keep a secret. And developing f

A Year to Learn From

It's a normal thing for me to look back near the end of the year and think about everything that I've learned. Sooooooooo, OBLIGATORY NEW YEAR POST! This year I learned that: A downside of having old friends means they may get "old" faster than you do, and it's not a bad thing, but means they are not meant to stay in your life any longer. People with addictive personalities will treat you like shit in order to act in the way they are used to.  Those new behaviors will then become habit, and they will always treat you like shit. Many people who either marry early, or do not keep up a social circle that changes, will stop maturing emotionally.  This becomes difficult to deal with as they get older. Toxic people will always be toxic.  Random better treatment is a fluke. Keep the people in your life that kick you in the ass to be inspired, always tell the truth, and go along with your random ideas. People do not know how to process something outside of the