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Conditioning

Lux and I respond to random questions that float around on Tumblr once in a while, sharing our thoughts on power exchange, and level happy relationships.  Lately, he posted on one that asked if a submissive can train a domly person. And, I feel like people don't look past the very surface of things far too often. While no, I don't think a submissive can train someone who is dominant in a princessy sort of way, there is a sort of training that occurs whenever two people form any sort of bond. Friends figure out what sort of music they both enjoy to listen to together, or what their favorite candy is for when they have a bad day. Vanilla relationships learn about favorite restaurants, how they enjoy their coffee fixed, and what sorts of video games they can binge play. And in power exchange, we learn things like how a submissive asks for attention, if they enjoy pain as a reward, or need it to be like a punishment to enjoy it, if they get off on dehumanization, or if it mak

Lack There of

I know I post a lot about how things are so much different now than when I was with Thrax, but here's another post, so you just have to deal with it. Thrax had a lot of extraneous rules for me.  Things like where to walk when out with him, having to hand him money so he could pay for things, and lots of random little stuff that really served no purpose. And, it really just made me not want to follow any of the little rules he had.  The ones of basic respect of course, but the ones that felt like he was just waving his dick around I had no interest in.  It felt like that was all he cared about, on the rare occasion he even acknowledged our dynamic.  To the point where he'd really only do so if he was trying to get me to answer him in the way he wanted, whether the answer be honest or not. So, while Lux and I were snuggled up last time I saw him, I brought up that I have no actual rules, but a lot of things that I treat like rules.  He agreed, and said that he was fine with th

Spring Cleaning

Now that everything is finally calming down, and all the holidays, birthdays, and cons are done for a while, I'm feeling less bogged down, and more ready to tackle the rest of things. I'm looking forward to winter being done, and being able to adventure in the woods, and go places without freezing my ass off.  I've been figuring out what I already have planned for the summer, and what garb I need to make for events.  I've also been looking up more simple recipes and trying to make everything a lot easier for when Lux and I are camping together.  We generally stick to a plan where if he drives, he just needs to pack his garb, and armor, and I have everything else covered, but that still means having to figure out everything we both need.  And that counts extra for when I start figuring out Pennsic, when we'll be going for a week, and need to think about space in the car. I find myself feeling more creative when it comes to wanting to make things.  I'm full of

Creeping Up

I've made a lot of progress in getting over the shit that Thrax put me through.  Things that I knew were because of him, and others that I hadn't considered have all levelled out. Apparently though, there are still some things that hadn't been settled, and I had to deal with completely in person to find out they were there. On a more simple end, the pipe I mentioned on Sunday.  I'm so used to  ignored, and never getting random gifts.  To see others being given things that I showed interest in, and being dismissed.  Actually receiving a surprise gift had completely left my mind as a possibility.  It was such an amazing and happy surprise to receive even such a simple gift. On a more serious, and slightly less pleasant note, I discovered something that I'd never even thought would be an issue. While I was with Thrax, the vast majority of the time we had the same routine broken record of sex that lasted about ten minutes from the first thought to being finished.  T

Silly Hobbitses

This weekend, Lux, some other folks and I got together to have a day we entitled Eat Like a Hobbit Day.  We all hung out, had movies going, and I cooked seven meals throughout the day, all from scratch, which left us all in a serious food coma.  Lux picked up mead and rum (and got himself plenty tipsy both nights we were there, more on that another time), so we drank a bit, but with all the food it didn't matter.  We were exhausted to the point of practically falling asleep some time after lunch, though that was probably due to having fucked Lux for several hours the previous night.  Oh well. All in all, the day went well.  All the food got out on time, and without issue.  It was all delicious, and everyone enjoyed it. I also got to see, and have been continuing my experience with very comfortable and happy poly situations.  It is such a dramatic difference from the past that despite feeling like I could never have it in my life previously, I am now fine with having it around me

On the Inside

Every so often I mention to Lux some of the things that go through my head during sex.  Usually, it's the more mundane things, and odd trains of thought.  He joked about how not sexy my internal monologue is, to which I had to remind him that there are about a dozen things constantly going, some significantly sexier than others.  He agreed, but his more prominent ones are him enjoying what is going on. So, examples of the thought processes running through my head during sex. I'm pretty sure this would split most normal people in half.  This feels fantastic.  Can we keep this up for a couple hours? I need to adjust, my body is getting used to how this feels.  Tuck in the pelvis a little more.... Oh yea, that was the a good idea.  Apparently he agrees too.  Yay! I'm not sure if this is good pain or not, but I'm about to cum, so it can't be that bad. Dear sweet fuck you're sexy.  How do I grope you more? Oh, my pain tolerance is really good today.  

Reminders

Lux came to visit and spend some quiet time with me last weekend.  It was a fantastic time to really relax, and clear my head, and be silly.  There was also a ton of groping and sex, even if not the play we had planned.  Still, I absolutely loved every minute, and wish I could have gone back north with him, to keep that fun peace going. My pain tolerance was particularly high, and I was craving either snuggly slow sex, or incredibly rough and violence fucking.  At certain points, I got both. Also, I spoke earlier of how voices have a serious effect on me.  Lux would be one of those people who knows how.  There are times when he can order me to cum, and I will be nowhere close until he says it.  Then it's right there and happening.  There's also been times when I will sit right on the edge of getting off until he tells me to, unable to actually get my body to let go.  There's also times when he's being particularly domly, and being all objectifying, then gives me a l

The Problem with Words

I'm a language nerd.  Whether it is listening to the speech patterns of others, or learning the odd ways that the English language works, I am absolutely enthralled with communication.  Whenever I can, I will teach myself bits of other languages and dialects; learning the littlest inflections on accents to make sure everything sounds and translates perfectly.  One of my favorite innate skills is actually my ability to understand spoken language, being able to translate for people, even if I can't speak a word of it. On Christmas, I posted some examples of how I also enjoy simply listening to some voices.  Not in the ASMR aspect, as I don't really enjoy that, but some voices turn me on at a normal speaking tone, far more than most people realize, and more than the vast majority of my partners in the past had thought to utilize. And no, I'm not necessarily referring to dirty talk, but I'm getting there.  Simply having serious conversation in the right tone will ma

Words Words Words Words Words

If you haven't been able to tell, I'm rather comfortable using what would normally be considered "foul" language.  I swear a lot (though not around the beast) and try to turn insults and threats into an art form of sorts. However, if you pay attention, there are a few terms that are normally considered fairly tame, that I find awkward to use, and so they are simply written here to provide variety, and I never say them in person. I don't find them offensive, they just feel odd for me to say. It's one term each for both type of human genitalia. Pussy- I just find it silly to say.  It feels awkward, and I don't feel like it seems appropriate to my methods of speech.  I'd much rather say "Vagina" "Cunt" or "Va-goo". Dick- It sounds infantile.  However, there are a hundred thousand more terms for male genitals that I can constantly be creative and pull out random funny terms.  Usually though, I just say "

Silliness, and distractions

So, I went to Wicked Faire last weekend, despite having no intention of going.  I also wound up getting snowed into the hotel, along with all of my performer friends who had intended on leaving. Which meant that I stayed far longer than I normally would have, and got to see the entire con go a little insane. While the last concert of the evening was going on, music was playing outside.  This new venue has a large central hub type area, where some rooms even have balconies overlooking the space.  It's really quite beautiful. Music may have turned into a silly dance party. Which then may have turned into Journey.  When everyone came out of their rooms.  And started singing together. Yes, an entire con full of people, all singing and dancing in one giant karaoke type ruckus.  The only word to describe it was magical. With everyone still singing, I was supposed to go play with a friend, who was interested in actually getting to unload and beat me up.  He borrowed a room for

How to Confuse a Con Full of Kinky Folk

So, last weekend Lux, Nessa, and I went off to Flea.  The whole weekend was a fun time, with lots of giggles, new toys, and a generally chill vibe. I also realized how much Lux and I confuse people. Apparently, I was putting off a very toppy vibe.  As a switch, I usually seem very toppy, but being a tiny female, people sometimes instantly peg me as just a submissive.  I find that how I dress can change this up a lot.  I've stopped wearing collars as a form of jewelry, but will sometimes wear something that is obviously a choker.  Even when wearing more skimpy stuff, there is enough masculinity to how I dress that it stays pretty level. Usually people talk to me like a top, because I generally look at product for my own use.  And if it isn't, I'm generally running off to grab someone else.  I also tend to have obvious energy of how I feel towards those around me.  If there is one thing true about me, it's that I absolutely cannot send mixed signals. So, I'm a

Helping

So, Lux, being his sexy self, has decided to get into voice porn. If your panties didn't immediately drop, you just don't know him yet. Right now, he's still getting used to it, but he's keeping up with it, and I've been helping him by throwing ideas around, looking over scripts, and listening to recordings to make sure they are up to par. Oh, the horrors of my life, having to make sure my partner who has a super sexy deep voice records things clearly. However shall I deal with this burden? With the release of the fifty shades movie over Valentine's, and with Lux and I going to Flea, we came up with the best plan ever! You see, neither of us likes fifty shades, but it did create a huge pool of terrible parody books. And so, I went hunting. Oh yes!  This is going exactly where you think it is. I found a myriad of terrible parodies, and sent him excerpts from each.  I even sent him one entire series of parodies, because they were that funny.  I

Not Always Necessary

I was listening to a podcast the other day, and it started discussing the idea of switches in power exchange relationships.  It talked about how a switch can be very capable of having a stable and static dynamic with one person, which I absolutely agreed with, and enjoyed hearing, because a lot of people claim it isn't the case. What I didn't like about it however, was that it very adamantly pushes that switches must have open relationships, and need to have multiple partners so that they can constantly be satiating both sides of a power exchange. And while this may be true for some switches, I absolutely do not fit into that category. I can very happily have one partner, a steady dynamic, and not feel an unwavering need for more.  Admittedly, I do on occasion get slight cravings for the other side when this is the case, just because I haven't had the chance to indulge in it for a while, and it becomes apparent.  Usually, it comes out for a bit in the relationship I d

Need to Know

While talking to some friends recently the conversation turned to this: "We know you're not officially dating [Lux], but how do you deal with him fucking other girls?" "He tells me ahead of time it might happen, and then I yell at him to go rape people, leave giant handprints on their ass for me, and tell me about it afterward." "Wait... you WANT to know?  If I was in a relationship that allowed my partner to fuck around, I wouldn't want to know any of it." "Well, you might be more mentally stable than I." And I meant that honestly.  I have no problem with a partner fucking someone else, or playing with others.  So long as they are consistent with how they treat me, follow basic respectful rules (things like condoms, alerting me of possible new partners) and let me know what happens. I love having the comfort to encourage partners to go elsewhere.  I know they'll come back, and we'll snuggle, and giggle, and have the awe

Unable to be Anyone Else

I notice a lot of popularity in the scene tends to be around people finding space where they become someone else.  Age regression, Pet spaces, and other forms of dehumanization seem to be everywhere lately, and I'm never quite sure how I feel about it. I know every case is different, but I never know whether to look at it more as having to remove themselves from a situation to embrace sexuality, or that they are so comfortable with themselves that they can be someone else as well. I know that personally, I could never do it.  When it comes to my sexuality, and even switching, I'm always me.  I have to be.  I could be snuggled up with Lux, fixing him coffee, and kneeling at his feet, while giving tasks to another submissive, and never once feel confused or lose myself in the process. I've got a lot of self confidence issues (surprise!) that may have become less apparent, or even barely existent over the years, but have impacted my sexuality as a whole.  I need to know

One Does Not Define the Other

There are many reasons why I do not speak about sexuality, or sex in general with my parents.  The following are a few of those reasons. We have a lot of people in and out of the house normally.  It's always been the case, and lately, we've had the family of my brother's childhood best friend (who is basically my adopted brother) here all the time.  As an adorable side note, their son who is just younger than the beast, is her best friend.  Friendship down generations is the cutest. So, girlfriend of said adopted brother comes over for dinner a few days a week.  She missed one of her normal days, and so we checked in with her, and she said she was at a sex toy party, and would be over that night for leftovers. When she came over, she and my mother were talking, discussing how she intends to throw a party herself, and wants me to go (which I would rather not, for a multitude of reasons), and that she is throwing the party so that she can get the vibrator she wants, whi

100 Posts Later

Well, since this is my hundredth post to this blog, and it's right around the one year mark, I figure a real update is appropriate. Things have finally calmed down now that all the holidays and birthdays are done.  Now I can focus on learning, and making, and getting myself into a much healthier situation, both physically and psychologically. I've definitely formed the habit of working out every day that I can.  My body is changing, I find myself with more energy, and my flexibility and strength are improving.  It's greatly helping my body image issues to quiet down, and helps my mood a lot over all.  It's also encouraging me to eat better, and not have junk food or huge portions that will bog me down.  Finally, the kick in the ass that I apparently needed to give myself. Lux, Nessa and I are off to a convention for Valentine's Day, and it has me plotting all sorts of things.  I want to print out lots of cute cards, and make cookies, and pack super cute outfit

Blame it on the Weather

It's been insanely cold lately.  We had snow the other night, and it was actually a couple inches of accumulation. I've noticed that the cold affects my mood a lot.  Instead of yearning for the warmth to run through the woods, it makes me just want to stay in.  It makes me miss Lux a lot, and just want some time with him enjoying the quiet bite of winter. I find myself craving teas, and hot cocoa.  To curl up under a ton blankets, with books and movies.  I've been wanting to bake to keep the house warm and cozy.  I want the comfort of time together, and close snuggly happy things that just make the rest of the world sort of pause. And sure, it makes me want to have all form of messy snugglefucks, but most things do. The holidays are done, and the stress from that is gone.  Now I just want to relax and enjoy the beautiful stillness of winter with someone.

Not the End Goal

While talking to my mother the other day, she said a lot of things that really got under my skin, but one of the things she said was "You know, your father and I just keep hoping you'll find a boy to marry and take care of you and the baby." Now, my parents have been married damn near forever.  My mom was 19 when she got married, and just 18 when she met my dad.  My father is three years older.  It became very apparent to me at some point that a side effect of their marrying young seemed to keep them from maturing psychologically. And her comments on marriage always kind of bother me.  She believes that a couple should go from casually seeing each other to engaged.  I'm talking within a six month span.  That if you're not getting married, it's a waste of a relationship, and that you shouldn't talk to any other guys while you're engaged. Now, I'm the kind of person who doesn't really romanticize marriage the way most people do.  I never ha

Storytime Three! or I'm Blaming All of This on Lux

While I never had a terribly large pool of partners at any one time, I've always had a fairly active sex life.  Even in my younger teens, before I started having intercourse, I was fooling around with a few partners several times a week.  I always thought this was normal. I didn't acknowledge the idea of where my sex drive laid out on a scale, because I didn't have female friends to bounce off of, and talking to any guy about it just made them think I wanted to fuck.  So, I figured wanting to have some sort of sexual contact constantly was just how things were for everyone.  In fact, I remember Kitty at one point stating that he never expected me to want to fool around as much as he did, because his sex drive was so high, and wondering what he meant, and that I thought he was normal, due to wanting to fool around as much as I did.  I surprised him further when I told him how often I was hooking up with guys, and he remarked at how while he had significantly more partners