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Hijacked!

Lux has decided to give me homework, and so after moving posts around, I will be completing my assignment here. This post will be edited throughout the day, to fulfill his domly orders. 9:57 1.  I learn quickly, and the vast majority of skills I have are entirely self taught. 12:00 2.  I have always preferred to experience like rather than hide from it, and as such have never had any interest in drugs, or to drink in order to escape sorrow or pain, which has surprised many people in my life. 14:02 3.  Despite everything I've gone through, I still take the risk of trusting other people. 16:00 4.  Back when I was in school, and actually recognized for my intelligence, I won a collection of academic awards, and was supposed to skip most of grammar school in hopes of being given a challenge. 17:52 5.  No matter what has happened, I've always managed to find myself. 20:01 6.  While the details of my body make me want to curl up in a ball, I have never had an issue with

Stronger

I've been working out nearly every day for a few months now.  What started as a couple days a week is now every single day, unless I am out somewhere that it isn't an option, or my whole day is just too full, and I'm exhausted by the time I have a chance.  I only miss about one day every other week or so. There have been definite, noticeable changes in my body because of it.  While I haven't lost weight, I'm seeing myself become more toned, especially in my arms and legs.  You can feel my abs under my tummy again (I will probably never have a visible six pack, due to the extra skin from pregnancy), and muscle is building in my chest, with the bit of fat I had around my ribs slowly going away. I'm also building more flexibility, as I'm now able to tuck my feet behind my head the vast majority of the time, and it no longer hurts to bend forward and touch my toes (I'm a backbender, not a frontbender). With this new building of strength and balance, I'

A Bit More Specific

When it comes to normal play, especially of a nonsexual sort, I lean incredibly heavily toward the top side of things.  I want to be the one to illicit the screams of another, and have fun tearing someone up. When it comes to sex though, at the very least in my past, I've fallen into more of the role of a bottom with partners, and it's something I questioned for a long time.  I've found that I'm much more of a sadomasochist when it comes to sex.  I equate force with desire, and direct physical force most specifically.  It's definitely where my primal orientation kicks in.  When I've been with submissive men, and we're fooling around, they'll ask me what I want them to do, and it's seriously the biggest turn off ever.  I'll take control and speak up if I want something specific, but otherwise, I just want to work on instinct.  If someone feels the need to ask what to do, or feels like they need to be gentle, it reads to me that they don't wa

Little Victories

I'm going completely off the beaten path for one entry, but whatever.  Deal with it. So, my father is incredibly picky when it comes to food.  Not only in the sense that he eats an incredibly limited selection of foods, but he only likes the foods he does eat a certain way.  He abhors change in all things, and this becomes a huge issue when it comes to recipes from his family. There is one cake recipe I have from his grandmother, which was his favorite thing ever.  I made it for Lux for his birthday last year, with a from scratch mocha frosting that we loved.  The old man bitched the entire time about it having a frosting, and how the fact that it didn't have a glaze meant that I had fucked it up. I made another one for the hell of it shortly after, to use up some excess ingredients in the fridge.  I went to make a glaze, and my mother walked in and decided to take over.  After making a ton of bad decisions, and me explaining to her why everything she was doing was wrong, sh

A random break

So, as of writing this, I am at Lux's place. The gnome said he was going to take the beast for most of her spring break, and so Lux wanted to capture me for a couple days, to get me away from my family, and so we could get in much needed snuggles and sexytime. And, despite him repeatedly saying I don't have to, I've spent the morning cleaning up the place.  He'd just try to get cleaning done while I'm here, before he heads south to spend time with his parents, and that time could better be spent sucking his cock.  So, I will clean now, to enjoy myself more later. Also, he tries to balance a lot, and so I enjoy doing what I can to make his life a bit more peaceful.  We're both so busy during the next month or so, that he needs it, and the extra snuggles that we'll have time for then is something I need.  And, when I'm not cleaning I can play with chainmaille instead of doing the crochet project I should be doing. Hooray!

Something a bit Different

I'm fairly certain that I've mentioned before that I thought I was asexual through my teens.  What was my sex drive, I assumed was just a normal feeling, and a craving more for adrenaline than sex.  I dated more as a change of scenery than anything, and had no real attraction to them. Everyone I fooled around with when I was younger was what I now know fits into my (admittedly broad spectrum of) physical "type".  They were just my friends though, so I didn't think anything of it.  However, my dating history didn't reflect that. Sure, my first boyfriend fit the bill, but he had no self confidence, and was incredibly insecure, and so it destroyed his only real chance.  I barely wanted to put my hands on him, and he was so sexually closed minded that it was a good thing we only lasted six months.  The next few people I dated were tall, but skinny, and again I had no real attraction.  It's a good thing they lasted even less time. I was still in high school

Getting set for ADVENTURE!

Lux and I go on a lot of adventures together.  Generally, with the exception of one thing last year, all our adventures have included the other.  Usually, we have a sort of system.  He takes care of big arrangements, and I handle all the little details.  It winds up creating a fairly even experience, we know everything is taken care of, and it means that when we get where we're going, we can just relax and enjoy.  This happens to work particularly well when it comes to faires, and camping.  I have most of the gear and, and get the food ready, and he just makes sure we get registered, and gets us there.  Well, this year we have one small weekend camping trip next month, and then in August, right after our birthdays, we'll be heading to Pennsic for my first time there, and spending a full week.  Lux decided to ignore my tent, and is getting us a massive pavilion, which I have been told I just need to make into a beautiful and functional camp space. I'm trying to get as mu

Unbound

I think one of the first things people ask, or assume when they find out I do the kink thing is if I'm into bondage.  And, it's kind of hard to explain to people. Sure, I'm into it.  There's a lot of fun to it, serves great utility, and can be great for disciplinary purposes. However, it's not something I really crave ever.  I often joke that I'm too impatient for it, and it's more true than people realize.  If I'm gonna get beaten up, slap some cuffs on me to get my hands out of the way, or just skip it and start beating me up.  Instead of some elaborate tie to keep me on the bed while fucking, I'd rather be pinned down so hard my arms bruise. And, honestly, I find it distracting.  I move around a lot.  I'm very wriggly, and snuggle in while being beaten. I grab my partner a lot during sex, and want to grope all over them.  While being beaten, if I can move to react, I can take more.  Having to fight restraints and limit my movement means I c

Craving

This last week was really hard on me.  I've had a lot digging at me, and not much actually helping me relax, or reset at all. It has me wanting power exchange as a more regular appearance in my day.  Whether to be service, or little reminders of dynamics that make me feel wanted.  I don't know why, but when I have my family trying to control me, and actively treating me like shit, I crave having someone that I can just relax and serve and take care of, and just have tiny little reminders that I am wanted, and appreciated, and owned, and not the piece of shit that they tell me I am.  It lets me completely reset, and actually have positivity to lift me up more. And it doesn't even need to be anything huge.  I'm not a fan of micromanagement and insane dehumanizing levels of control.  Just little expressions and acts will do way more for me, and make me feel incredible amounts better. Feeling like I'm wanted, and having positivity in my life is so different from my

Craving

This last week was really hard on me.  I've had a lot digging at me, and not much actually helping me relax, or reset at all. It has me wanting power exchange as a more regular appearance in my day.  Whether to be service, or little reminders of dynamics that make me feel wanted.  I don't know why, but when I have my family trying to control me, and actively treating me like shit, I crave having someone that I can just relax and serve and take care of, and just have tiny little reminders that I am wanted, and appreciated, and owned, and not the piece of shit that they tell me I am.  It lets me completely reset, and actually have positivity to lift me up more. And it doesn't even need to be anything huge.  I'm not a fan of micromanagement and insane dehumanizing levels of control.  Just little expressions and acts will do way more for me, and make me feel incredible amounts better. Feeling like I'm wanted, and having positivity in my life is so different from my

Conditioning

Lux and I respond to random questions that float around on Tumblr once in a while, sharing our thoughts on power exchange, and level happy relationships.  Lately, he posted on one that asked if a submissive can train a domly person. And, I feel like people don't look past the very surface of things far too often. While no, I don't think a submissive can train someone who is dominant in a princessy sort of way, there is a sort of training that occurs whenever two people form any sort of bond. Friends figure out what sort of music they both enjoy to listen to together, or what their favorite candy is for when they have a bad day. Vanilla relationships learn about favorite restaurants, how they enjoy their coffee fixed, and what sorts of video games they can binge play. And in power exchange, we learn things like how a submissive asks for attention, if they enjoy pain as a reward, or need it to be like a punishment to enjoy it, if they get off on dehumanization, or if it mak

Lack There of

I know I post a lot about how things are so much different now than when I was with Thrax, but here's another post, so you just have to deal with it. Thrax had a lot of extraneous rules for me.  Things like where to walk when out with him, having to hand him money so he could pay for things, and lots of random little stuff that really served no purpose. And, it really just made me not want to follow any of the little rules he had.  The ones of basic respect of course, but the ones that felt like he was just waving his dick around I had no interest in.  It felt like that was all he cared about, on the rare occasion he even acknowledged our dynamic.  To the point where he'd really only do so if he was trying to get me to answer him in the way he wanted, whether the answer be honest or not. So, while Lux and I were snuggled up last time I saw him, I brought up that I have no actual rules, but a lot of things that I treat like rules.  He agreed, and said that he was fine with th

Spring Cleaning

Now that everything is finally calming down, and all the holidays, birthdays, and cons are done for a while, I'm feeling less bogged down, and more ready to tackle the rest of things. I'm looking forward to winter being done, and being able to adventure in the woods, and go places without freezing my ass off.  I've been figuring out what I already have planned for the summer, and what garb I need to make for events.  I've also been looking up more simple recipes and trying to make everything a lot easier for when Lux and I are camping together.  We generally stick to a plan where if he drives, he just needs to pack his garb, and armor, and I have everything else covered, but that still means having to figure out everything we both need.  And that counts extra for when I start figuring out Pennsic, when we'll be going for a week, and need to think about space in the car. I find myself feeling more creative when it comes to wanting to make things.  I'm full of

Creeping Up

I've made a lot of progress in getting over the shit that Thrax put me through.  Things that I knew were because of him, and others that I hadn't considered have all levelled out. Apparently though, there are still some things that hadn't been settled, and I had to deal with completely in person to find out they were there. On a more simple end, the pipe I mentioned on Sunday.  I'm so used to  ignored, and never getting random gifts.  To see others being given things that I showed interest in, and being dismissed.  Actually receiving a surprise gift had completely left my mind as a possibility.  It was such an amazing and happy surprise to receive even such a simple gift. On a more serious, and slightly less pleasant note, I discovered something that I'd never even thought would be an issue. While I was with Thrax, the vast majority of the time we had the same routine broken record of sex that lasted about ten minutes from the first thought to being finished.  T

Silly Hobbitses

This weekend, Lux, some other folks and I got together to have a day we entitled Eat Like a Hobbit Day.  We all hung out, had movies going, and I cooked seven meals throughout the day, all from scratch, which left us all in a serious food coma.  Lux picked up mead and rum (and got himself plenty tipsy both nights we were there, more on that another time), so we drank a bit, but with all the food it didn't matter.  We were exhausted to the point of practically falling asleep some time after lunch, though that was probably due to having fucked Lux for several hours the previous night.  Oh well. All in all, the day went well.  All the food got out on time, and without issue.  It was all delicious, and everyone enjoyed it. I also got to see, and have been continuing my experience with very comfortable and happy poly situations.  It is such a dramatic difference from the past that despite feeling like I could never have it in my life previously, I am now fine with having it around me

On the Inside

Every so often I mention to Lux some of the things that go through my head during sex.  Usually, it's the more mundane things, and odd trains of thought.  He joked about how not sexy my internal monologue is, to which I had to remind him that there are about a dozen things constantly going, some significantly sexier than others.  He agreed, but his more prominent ones are him enjoying what is going on. So, examples of the thought processes running through my head during sex. I'm pretty sure this would split most normal people in half.  This feels fantastic.  Can we keep this up for a couple hours? I need to adjust, my body is getting used to how this feels.  Tuck in the pelvis a little more.... Oh yea, that was the a good idea.  Apparently he agrees too.  Yay! I'm not sure if this is good pain or not, but I'm about to cum, so it can't be that bad. Dear sweet fuck you're sexy.  How do I grope you more? Oh, my pain tolerance is really good today.  

Reminders

Lux came to visit and spend some quiet time with me last weekend.  It was a fantastic time to really relax, and clear my head, and be silly.  There was also a ton of groping and sex, even if not the play we had planned.  Still, I absolutely loved every minute, and wish I could have gone back north with him, to keep that fun peace going. My pain tolerance was particularly high, and I was craving either snuggly slow sex, or incredibly rough and violence fucking.  At certain points, I got both. Also, I spoke earlier of how voices have a serious effect on me.  Lux would be one of those people who knows how.  There are times when he can order me to cum, and I will be nowhere close until he says it.  Then it's right there and happening.  There's also been times when I will sit right on the edge of getting off until he tells me to, unable to actually get my body to let go.  There's also times when he's being particularly domly, and being all objectifying, then gives me a l

The Problem with Words

I'm a language nerd.  Whether it is listening to the speech patterns of others, or learning the odd ways that the English language works, I am absolutely enthralled with communication.  Whenever I can, I will teach myself bits of other languages and dialects; learning the littlest inflections on accents to make sure everything sounds and translates perfectly.  One of my favorite innate skills is actually my ability to understand spoken language, being able to translate for people, even if I can't speak a word of it. On Christmas, I posted some examples of how I also enjoy simply listening to some voices.  Not in the ASMR aspect, as I don't really enjoy that, but some voices turn me on at a normal speaking tone, far more than most people realize, and more than the vast majority of my partners in the past had thought to utilize. And no, I'm not necessarily referring to dirty talk, but I'm getting there.  Simply having serious conversation in the right tone will ma

Words Words Words Words Words

If you haven't been able to tell, I'm rather comfortable using what would normally be considered "foul" language.  I swear a lot (though not around the beast) and try to turn insults and threats into an art form of sorts. However, if you pay attention, there are a few terms that are normally considered fairly tame, that I find awkward to use, and so they are simply written here to provide variety, and I never say them in person. I don't find them offensive, they just feel odd for me to say. It's one term each for both type of human genitalia. Pussy- I just find it silly to say.  It feels awkward, and I don't feel like it seems appropriate to my methods of speech.  I'd much rather say "Vagina" "Cunt" or "Va-goo". Dick- It sounds infantile.  However, there are a hundred thousand more terms for male genitals that I can constantly be creative and pull out random funny terms.  Usually though, I just say "

Silliness, and distractions

So, I went to Wicked Faire last weekend, despite having no intention of going.  I also wound up getting snowed into the hotel, along with all of my performer friends who had intended on leaving. Which meant that I stayed far longer than I normally would have, and got to see the entire con go a little insane. While the last concert of the evening was going on, music was playing outside.  This new venue has a large central hub type area, where some rooms even have balconies overlooking the space.  It's really quite beautiful. Music may have turned into a silly dance party. Which then may have turned into Journey.  When everyone came out of their rooms.  And started singing together. Yes, an entire con full of people, all singing and dancing in one giant karaoke type ruckus.  The only word to describe it was magical. With everyone still singing, I was supposed to go play with a friend, who was interested in actually getting to unload and beat me up.  He borrowed a room for