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Levels

So, there's been a lot of stress at home lately.  My brother recently moved down to North Carolina with his emotionally abusive girlfriend, and my uncle was declared terminal in the last couple weeks.  My parents basically treat me like a punching bag for stress, and barely give me basic human respect normally, so I've been a wreck.  The Thursday before Father's Day my parents decided they were going to go see my uncle out near Chicago.  The idea of being stuck in a car with them for two days each way, and with family members that I can't hold a conversation with for a week was giving me anxiety attacks, so I told them I didn't want to go.  Upon discussing the trip to the beast, she also said she didn't want to go.  I don't blame her.  What six year old would want to sit in a car for two days at a shot? Earlier before all of that, Lux had mentioned wanting to go see his family, and Nessa over the weekend.  He also said he wanted to see me due to my already

Why I Need What I Do

There's a lot of toxicity in my family.  A lot of inconsistencies, untruths, broken promises, and negativity.  It creates a shattering amount of stress, and is terrible for me in every way. I enjoy being submissive because I enjoy taking care of partners.  I love the comfort that comes with putting myself in someone else's hands, and having someone to give me the drive to grow, and make them proud of who they have. But I absolutely can't have what I do at home.  I need to know I should constantly be working to please my domlyperson.  If I feel like I'll be ignored, or shit on no matter what I do, I'll do whatever I want, because there's no reason for me to be unhappy and get nothing out of it.  I need positive reinforcement to counteract how I'm constantly told negative things.  While I don't need a lot, that stern, but positive manner is absolutely vital.  It centers me, keeps me obedient (well... mostly), and does all manner of good for me.  Things

Of Bioshock and Sociopaths

There's a lot of logic that goes into everything I do, and all my odd trains of thought.  No matter how outlandishly beyond the box I may go, there's still a line of (somewhat) sound logic to go from.  This goes into my kink as well, and today most specifically, power exchange.  Now, if you look up any LP of Bioshock, it'll turn into a ton of comments about how anything they say in response to the Little Sisters sounds wrong, and make a ton of Big Daddy jokes.  It very much puts the spotlight on how daddies are caretakers in the kink sense, and if age play is concerned, it's very much not pedophilia.  And then it reminds me of how Lux will occasionally say he has a craving to be called daddy, but doesn't expect it from me, because of my personal dislike of age play. But, that title isn't just age play, and I'm very aware of that.  The reason I don't use that title is because it's not the dynamic we have.  Daddies to me are the protective caretakers

Off the Beaten Path

Recently, I had to go to a wedding with my parents, for a friend of the family.  Overall, I found the evening incredibly boring, and a big pile of awkward because I knew no one, but during the cocktail hour, while sitting outside, I did wind up having an interesting conversation. I was on the end of a large couch, my parents next to me, and some friends of the bride on the other side of the coffee table, in stolen chairs from a dining room inside.  They started fawning over the venue, and the dress, and all the details, talking about how they envision their wedding.  Then they asked me what I would like when I get married. Me: I have no real desire to get married.  I don't really romanticise it, and find weddings to be a superficial attempt at bluffing status. Them: But, you mom told me at the rehearsal last night that you were dating someone, but he couldn't make it for the wedding? Me: I'm not dating anyone.  And the person she is referencing lives four hours away, an

Context Clues

I've talked on here a ton of times about how most pornography does nothing for me.  About how I find it boring, or simply something to giggle at, if it depicts any form of sexual conduct.  And how the only time I can be aroused by outside images is generally if it is focused on torture itself. A couple weeks ago Lux and I were in the car, and he was talking about porn he found hot, and I just giggled at it.  His immediate reaction was to ask why we have sex so often.  That whenever he mentions porn he's seen, I find it funny, and never say if I find it hot.  I had to remind him that a heavy majority of what turns me on is context.  More than half of what he tells me he sees may make me giggle at mentioning it, but if he were to do it, I'd be all about it.  When I came back from camping recently, we were plotting nefarious plots of sexy things, like we normally do.  And he mentioned something about us playing with another guy, and not allowing me to make him cum via hetero

Shelf life

A few weeks ago, Lux brought up a thought he'd had about power exchange.  Who the responsibility belongs to start it, and which party should keep it going.  He said the answer of both is a cop out, but it's probably the most honest. Domlyfolk need to acknowledge the submission of their property.  Even if they aren't always actively taking control, they need to see that those actions are present, and make their findings known.  Simple affirmations can be enough, just to encourage it to keep going, without spouting orders and punishment. Likewise, the submissive needs to keep in mind their little rules.  Asking permission, small acts of service, verbal reminders, all work to keep the domlyfolk happy, and able to keep the exchange in mind.  A smoothly working power exchange doesn't need to always be in focus to be present, but the actions should continue on all parts involved.  No need for constant kneeling, orders, or grand expression.  They're fun yes, and they do

Selfregulating

I've mentioned before how few actual rules I have with Lux.  There are far more things I make into hard and fast rules for myself than he does, and he often doesn't think of them, because he doesn't feel the need to make them official rules himself. Over last weekend, I had to remind him of one of those, because he was expecting something very different to happen. For those not keeping up, Lux is the only person I've fucked for about a year and a half now.  The only person I've submitted to, and the only person I've bottomed to in the same amounts of time.  And even though there is not official vanilla relationship titles, we pretty much treat each other with the same respect as though they are there. He told me after I had gotten home, that he'd expected to hear of me playing with others.  And then I had to get something very straight with him. Up until this point, whenever there has been even the slightest idea that I'd be playing with someone else

Cheat sheet

I've finished most of my big things for the next while, and now I can focus on a few things coming up, then get ready for Pennsic.  Which, this weekend reminded me of all the fun things I need to be aware of while Lux and I are off together for a week. So, Lux, keep this post handy, because it shows everything you need to be aware of. There aren't many things that slow me down.  I don't have many allergies, and no physical ailments that need attention.  It's kind of weird to be one of the only people I know who can say that. However, the heat kicks my ass.  I am very susceptible to heat stroke, and have blacked out from it a couple times.  I have to be really careful and self aware, and that might mean having to shove water at me to remind me to drink. On that note, if I mention I'm hungry, I need food in my face, stat.  Don't ask me what I want, just find something you know I will eat, and shove it at me, or ask me between a handful of things.  When I'm

Always Learning

Generally, I never know when I'm done fucking.  For the longest time, I had partners who couldn't keep up with the amount of sex I wanted.  On top of that, they were done before I'd even gotten warmed up, or I simply didn't wear out.  I never got sore, or tired, or wanted to slow down. Now, I have a Lux, and we both want to fuck all the time, and it's wonderful.  He fucks me way harder than most of my past partners, for a longer amount of time, and has a way bigger dick, so he pretty much fucks my cervix the entire time.  This is also all wonderful.  We're also both the type that as soon as we have the chance, we want to be fucking.  For a while, greeting each other involved getting naked, and being pinned against a wall.  Also wonderful. So, even though I can take a pounding, and I still want to fuck a lot, there are spots that start to get a bit tender.  Either from friction, or Lux pummelling the same spot with the head of his cock for hours.  While spendi

Will hurt them

Several of the blogs I follow on Tumblr frequently ask for "confessions".  Little anonymous things they've done, sexual or otherwise, without the worry of anyone finding out what they've done. A good bulk of these have to do with people cheating on their partners, or all manner of going behind their backs, many times ending it with the phrase "What they don't know won't hurt them." And dear gods, that freaks me out so badly, to the point where I frequently think about unfollowing the blogs.  Even what they believe to be little things like this destroys trust.  That line of where honesty sits starts moving, and once you've hidden one thing, you decide to hide so many more.  Keeping track of lies or stories, and details that have been omitted. And it creates a sense of paranoia.  If you've hidden these things, and decided to destroy the promises you've made to care for and be honest to a loved one, who's to say they haven't done

Said So

I read on another blog recently, the finer points of the phrase "Because I said so" in regards to power exchange.  While I could tell what he was talking about, there was a lot of reiteration of the same points, and talking in circles. However, it immediately made me think of how that phrase is a great way to look at the differences between the power exchange I had with Thrax, and what I have now with Lux. Thrax ran his dommypants attitude with "Because I said so".  He just figured being the domly person was a way to get me to say and do whatever he wanted, regardless of my comfort, who I was, or how I felt, and then not have to do anything about it.  He'd ignore everything I said most of the time, until it was what he wanted to hear, or try to reprimand me for not giving him the desired answer to questions. It was childish.  Like the beast stomping her feet saying she didn't want to eat what I'd given her because I put butter on it instead of tomato

Being Busy

The next three weeks are going to involve a lot of running around for me, and it's mostly all good things. Notice: this is being written a week before it goes live.  I will try to adjust as necessary, and multiple plans of action will be discussed.  There will be fun updates about what does occur after things calm down again. So, as you read this, I'm hopefully on my way to spend a long weekend with Lux.  While I generally avoid leaving my house on Memorial day weekend due to where I live, I'll be travelling in the opposite direction as everyone else, and it's to spend some much needed time relaxing.  I'm not quite sure what the plan is yet, but it'll be good for us both. On the off chance that doesn't work, I'll be spending the long weekend with some family who I haven't seen for a while.  Both these plans are fun, but I'm really hoping for some time to have fun with Lux. Next weekend, is war camp, which will involve camping out in the woods

Categories

Last week for Mother's Day, we had a big bbq with all the important family.  Both my siblings were there, my pseudo adopted brother, his fiancé, their son, and some friends of theirs we know, along with their two daughters, which went to the same  day care as the beast before she started kindergarten. I got to spend Mother's day eating copious amounts of meat and veggies, drinking good beer, and playing in a bounce house.  I also got to harass said pseudo older brother, because it's how I tell him I love him.  Not a bad day honestly. At one point, pseudo sister-in-law asked how Lux was doing, and I informed her of how he was sick all the week prior.  Her friend asked who we were talking about and she said "[Loki] has a 'friend' named [Lux]" air quotes and all.  She was drunk on fireball at this point.  I asked what the term "friend" was for, and she just said "Y'know, 'friend'... he knows what I'm talking about." At t

Subscriptions

There are certain terms I have problems with.  I always have, and it's something that's always turned me off to partners, and just make me feel awkward.  I have actually completely turned down potential partners due to their incessant use of these terms, because I really can't get past them. The one that causes the most issue for me, is being referred to as "bad" or "naughty".  In the same line as my dislike of punishment as a form of play, I don't want what I'm doing to be considered ill, then have it be enjoyed.  If it was bad, you wouldn't want me to do it again.  You wouldn't smile from it.  There would be no rejoicing involved, or reinforcement.  My open acknowledgement of my sexuality isn't naughty.  I don't want my behavior to be considered taboo, but rather simply being me expressing my comfort with myself.  If I stole your food, or the last beer from the fridge, that would be naughty.  If I hid something you wanted to

Disinterest

I've always enjoyed the English language.  Written word especially is something that has been a hobby of mine, and how to correctly articulate exactly what I wish to.  I read books on grammar for fun, despite that I now cringe when listening to others speak, or reading most of what they type up.  When I was in middle school, and high school, I made extra money editing for friends.  Sometimes it was college essays, and others it was fanfiction.  At one point I was devoting a few evenings a week to editing erotica for folks, back in my Gaia days. I have to say that it's made me fairly numb to reading any sort of smut at this point.  No matter how descript, sexual aspects of writing tend to get me bored rather than turned on, and I find myself wanting more from it. And that's the case with a lot of porn.  I find myself bored of it, giggling at it, or just wanting it to feel more complete.  Sexual content as a whole does very little for me, in most cases.  And it's the i

Jewish Penicillin

Last weekend, Lux and I had a fantastic time at Spring Caravan.  There were some really wonderful performances, we got to see awesome people, and I got myself a new dress as a Mother's day present. I really do love the vibe of this event.  It's just chill, and fun, with a lot of great things to see, but not nearly as crowded as Rakkasah East in the fall.  And working back stage at the end of the night like I have been basically just means a mini dance party. However, after dancing until late at night, and getting back up to our room exhausted, Lux woke up Sunday completely fucked with how sick he was.  After he barely made it back to my place, he promptly passed out in my bed, and I informed him that he wouldn't be going home until he felt better.  So I spent two days snuggled up and taking care of him.  And he couldn't talk, so he couldn't tell me no, or complain that I was doing too much for him.  Honestly, I was happy to spend the extra time with him, and to t

Sappy crap ahead

A few months ago I talked about kitty.  My best friend through many of my formative years, who held my hand, and I held his, until he chose to side with a girl he was with, in an attempt to stubborn through and make a relationship succeed after his failed marriage. Well, they broke up, he has realized that he is not meant for stubborning his way through monogamy for the picket fence dream, and has found partners who are more accepting of him, and the past we have. And yes, that means he has started talking to me again.  We've caught up just enough to be up to speed on current goings on, but it's like we were never really gone.  Do I even need to mention how fantastic this is?  It only took him five minutes to say how much he missed talking with me, and how much better he feels after contacting me. So, now for the super sappy crap that probably no one will feel like reading. I don't believe in "true" love.  I don't believe in love at first sight.  I do beli

Hijacked!

Lux has decided to give me homework, and so after moving posts around, I will be completing my assignment here. This post will be edited throughout the day, to fulfill his domly orders. 9:57 1.  I learn quickly, and the vast majority of skills I have are entirely self taught. 12:00 2.  I have always preferred to experience like rather than hide from it, and as such have never had any interest in drugs, or to drink in order to escape sorrow or pain, which has surprised many people in my life. 14:02 3.  Despite everything I've gone through, I still take the risk of trusting other people. 16:00 4.  Back when I was in school, and actually recognized for my intelligence, I won a collection of academic awards, and was supposed to skip most of grammar school in hopes of being given a challenge. 17:52 5.  No matter what has happened, I've always managed to find myself. 20:01 6.  While the details of my body make me want to curl up in a ball, I have never had an issue with

Stronger

I've been working out nearly every day for a few months now.  What started as a couple days a week is now every single day, unless I am out somewhere that it isn't an option, or my whole day is just too full, and I'm exhausted by the time I have a chance.  I only miss about one day every other week or so. There have been definite, noticeable changes in my body because of it.  While I haven't lost weight, I'm seeing myself become more toned, especially in my arms and legs.  You can feel my abs under my tummy again (I will probably never have a visible six pack, due to the extra skin from pregnancy), and muscle is building in my chest, with the bit of fat I had around my ribs slowly going away. I'm also building more flexibility, as I'm now able to tuck my feet behind my head the vast majority of the time, and it no longer hurts to bend forward and touch my toes (I'm a backbender, not a frontbender). With this new building of strength and balance, I'

A Bit More Specific

When it comes to normal play, especially of a nonsexual sort, I lean incredibly heavily toward the top side of things.  I want to be the one to illicit the screams of another, and have fun tearing someone up. When it comes to sex though, at the very least in my past, I've fallen into more of the role of a bottom with partners, and it's something I questioned for a long time.  I've found that I'm much more of a sadomasochist when it comes to sex.  I equate force with desire, and direct physical force most specifically.  It's definitely where my primal orientation kicks in.  When I've been with submissive men, and we're fooling around, they'll ask me what I want them to do, and it's seriously the biggest turn off ever.  I'll take control and speak up if I want something specific, but otherwise, I just want to work on instinct.  If someone feels the need to ask what to do, or feels like they need to be gentle, it reads to me that they don't wa