A New Devious Chapter

With all the posts on here lately about rape, contact, and sexuality, I thought I'd talk a bit more on the weirdness that has been my evolving sex drive.  I forget sometimes how different I am compared to most people, due to my sociopathy, when it comes to basic human emotions and desires. I started probably as far from my current hypersexual self as possible.  I didn't see people as attractive in the slightest, and had no physical desires in any way through most of my teens.  I mean this to the point where I wanted no physical contact with anyone, and the idea of it made my skin crawl. I viewed sex from a purely scientific standpoint.  Heavy contact, and exposure to bodily fluids, with a chance of pregnancy.  All of these things turned me off, and so I wanted nothing to do with it. What I did enjoy however, was endorphins.  And you know how sometimes the people around you being high on brain juice transfers over to you too?  Well, this was the only reason I started fooling

I've been thinking lately on how I function best.  How I get the most done, and work the best, in a healthy way. Right before Pennsic I didn't have many projects, and it made me feel like something was missing.  I was only reading one book, and could barely get through it, and most people weren't sharing and coredumping with me because this summer has been really hard on me in my home environment which has my stress levels insanely high. In regards to the vast majority of things, I work best with a load that makes most people feel overwhelmed.  Right now I have a stack of books on my nightstand, and it's relaxing to know I have plenty of different things to get to.  With the fall coming up, I'm thinking of a ton of gifts to make, and planning the next couple months. Even when it comes to my stress levels, I thrive when other people dump their stress on me.  Focusing on helping loved ones, and knowing I am doing what I can for them makes me feel better, and like I

This is late in the evening, due to finally being home from my week with Lux.  It was a very relaxing time, where I did what I could to get caught up on the upkeep of his place, as well as my own projects.  I got to enjoy cooking for us all week, which lets Lux relax more.  He was supposed to get work done with the extra time not spent on chores. We played video games instead. He had gotten a gift card for his birthday, and so I was given the job to find fun games.  I threatened to buy a ton of shitty dollar games.  I instead got a handful of fun multiplayer games for us to play together.  One of which may have made us completely mentally overstimulated, which had us giggling at everything afterward. While gone, I made a lot of plans for projects over the fall and winter, which will have me very busy, but I really think everyone will love.  I'm really looking forward to all of it happening. And of course, with Lux and I being together, there was a bunch of sex.  Maybe not as m

I was up with friends over the weekend (and am now spending a few days with Lux).  It was nice to see them, and catch up, but sometimes I am reminded of how some folks just never get over their past, and even more when they only see it as emotional abuse decades later. I made the very like mistake of getting into the discussion of women crying rape with her.  She very vehemently demanded that there are no women who cry rape, and no such thing as legitimate next day regret.  That anyone who thinks they shouldn't have had sex after the fact, only felt uncomfortable or unsafe saying no at the time.  That women would never cry rape because they know about society today. She even went on to say that an enthusiastic affirmation of consent means nothing, and that it has to be surely genuine or it means nothing. And this is all well and good, in a fictional perfect world.  However, because humans are all different and varied beings, these statements will never be true.  If you need to

While reading through blogs lately, I came across one that discussed a man cheating on his submissive partner, and the after effects, as well as ideas on monogamy in today's society. It mentioned how she felt guilty after.  That she deserved to be cheated on, and that it was her fault that her dom did what he did.  And dear gods did this throw up red flags for me.  It's such an external sign of emotional abuse.  That the partner who destroyed the trust in a relationship couldn't possibly have been a douchebag, but rather the other party was so horrible that it forced him to do what they did. It's bullshit. In case you read that wrong the first time, here it is again. BULLSHIT. No one deserves to be cheated on.  Nothing warrants the destruction of trust, or the pain involved in going behind a partner's back.  Even with everything partner's have done to me in the past, I never cheated on them in return.  It's such an inconsiderate action based on pure sel

One of the things I found interesting at Pennsic, was the lower amount of people hitting on me than anticipated.  Sure, I'm probably just being my normal oblivious self, and there were actually a ton, and Lux being nearby likely had something to do with it.  However, most guys that approached me seemed to just want to talk, and hang out. Women however, seemed to be all about trying to get up on me.  Lux was pointing it out to me several times, when women were about a half step shy from grabbing my head and smooshing it into their chests.  I'm not sure if they were looking for my approval before moving onto Lux (which, I'm a terrible wingman.  Just go hit on him, because I have no interest in their vagoo) or just wanted me, but either way, it hit points of being awkward with how hard they were trying. I talked to Lux about it on the way home.  He said that it's a bad reason, but the "what happens at Pennsic, stays at Pennsic" mentality does exist.  Women can

While at Pennsic, Lux and I attended a play party that I had been invited to.  We had discussed going just to people watch, chat with folks, and likely not play ourselves.  However, that evening while getting ready, he packed his rucksack full of smacky toys, and we headed out, through the block party, and on the hunt for the very secret play party. While on the way, Lux kept pestering me to have the password, which was some dumb combination of terms that I don't even remember anymore.  He joked that I wasn't telling him so that I had leverage over the situation, and I assured him that it wasn't the case, and that he was still very much in charge.  When we got there, it was still fairly quiet.  An old partner of Lux's was tending bar, and we ran into some friends to chat with.  While watching a suspension scene, Lux joked that I had to bring him to a party at Pennsic for him to hit me.  I told him that if I really wanted him to hit me, I'd just hit him first, whic

I am finally home from Pennsic, and hopefully soon will be fully unpacked and back to my normal routine.  The next few posts will likely be a smattering of thoughts on my week long adventure with Lux. Our adventure started with loading up the car and having a big dinner.  We got to bed at a decent time, but wound up fucking several times throughout the night, which likely wasn't the smartest plan considering our long drive.  We woke up on time anyway, and got moving quickly, moving right along with the timetable we'd hoped for.  When we got there, I had a lot to process and take in.  Most people claim this is an insane event that will change lives and all such manner of things.  I was a bit surprised in the fact that I didn't feel that, although the event is huge.  I think part of the reason that it didn't have such impact on me is because of my past.  I've been camping since I was eight, doing faires since I was about ten, and larping since fifteen.  Kitty is a

As of this going live, I should just be back from Pennsic.  Expect awesome stories about the adventure soon, but in the meantime, this last pre-prepped post shall be a silly story about new found limits. Yes.  That's right.  New hard limits were discovered, and it will make you laugh. So, last time I was up at Lux's apartment, we took a lot of time to relax and talk and catch up on things.  Part of this included the Youtube channels we watch, and several of them make references to each other. We will often throw on playlists, and let it go as background noise, giggling at the randomness that ensues. We're also commonly naked when together, just out of comfort. The particular channel we had on that day was called Game Grumps. Go on, look it up. In fact, look it up along with the word "Cranberries". Then look it up along with "Sakura Spirit". I'll give you a moment.  That way you can fully understand what is going on. Now that you have an idea

Lux came over for his birthday, because he wanted to have some big get together with the people he cares about.  It had a wonderful turnout, and was honestly a great time.  We played video games afterward, and wound up being silly and having fun. When we got back to my place, we were tired, but being us, sex was the higher priority at that point.  Now, we haven't had much time to really decompress together.  There's been a lot of stress for both of us, and not much time to have that emotional release.  When I saw him on Father's day we snuck away for ten minutes for a quick fuck, as quiet as we could be while trying to go as hard as we could.  Then when he came down when the house was empty, there was a lot of loud sex, but again, that hard, rough sex to take the edge off of how we needed to fuck again.  Which was fun, in case that isn't obvious. This time, in the two weeks we didn't see each other, there was a lot of emotional stress for both of us.  We have bee

I really enjoy being marked up.  A lot.  They're like pretty badges of honor for me; little reminders of the fun had, the person who put them there, and the pride of behaving well enough to earn them. Now, in general it takes a lot to mark me up, so most slapping and grabbing will create a small red splotch that disappears in minutes.  It takes a good wailing to leave something on me that will stay.  That too makes me very proud of the marks I wear, because I withstood so much. Now, one of the things I worried about with Pennsic, was walking around with my dance gear on and having people see my bruises and welts.  I generally try to cover them up in normal day to day actions, or if I'm performing at a family venue, but with classes, and parties and heat, I'd rather not have those extra layers.  I worried how Lux would feel walking next to me, and the possible looks he would get as we held hands and I had purple wrapping around my hips. But, I realized that I don't c

Tomorrow, I get the final things collected, and Lux comes down for us to go on the longest adventure we've ever gone on together.  We're going to Pennsic! It'll be my first time, and I've done a lot to get us both ready for it. I've sewn half a week's worth of period clothing for myself (the other half of the week will be in dance gear).  I've gone through all the camping stuff we have to try and make sure we have what we need.  I've made furniture, fixed other pieces, and tried to do as much as I can to make sure we have a comfortable time, in a large pavillion, for a full week. I've also tried to do as much as I can to have all the food we'll need prepped and pre-frozen, able to keep itself cold in the cooler for us, so we have the option to eat without pants.  Last year, Lux said he ate out for almost every meal.  I'd rather not have to do that, for several reasons.  It's way cheaper for me to cook, the food is probably better, and

I've got a talent for sarcasm.  If you talk to me with any regularity, you might notice that I have my own jokes, as well as pride in my own original wit.  When people rely on puns, or referencing/ stealing lines from media to be funny, it bothers me after a rather short amount of time.  And, along with that wit, comes the sort of personality that makes me want to crack more jokes and silliness the more I get to know people.  See, with new folks, or those I don't take too kindly to, I tend to be really quiet.  I'm not sure what sorts of jokes I can make, and have no desire to really converse with them until I either feel them out, or am forced to deal with them. So, one of the best ways for me to tell someone how I feel about them is to poke fun.  Almost like the middle schoolers who poked and prodded because they didn't know how to express how they felt.  I know when to reel it in, but most especially when in private, during those calm times, I will make cracks, just

So, while my last entry may have happened on Lux's birthday, today is mine! Although to be honest, I tend to try not to acknowledge it.  Due to the amount of toxicity in my life, it's either been ignored, used against me, or just made into something that everyone involved should have known that I would hate.  I often say that my birthday is cursed, due to the sheer rarity of me even having a remotely decent day, no matter what the plans are. In fact, one of the only times I can remember having a really happy birthday was my 17th, which I spent with Kitty and his ex, and we just hung out, and bbqed in their back yard. It doesn't take a lot to make me happy.  More often than not, I don't want gifts, and if I do, it's something simple that I need.  Last year I asked for new sheets (which I like the super cheap t-shirt jersey cotton sheets).  However, this year I've told everyone that I'm putting off my birthday for a week.  Why?  Because one week from now,

Today, is Lux's birthday.  He's turning thirty, cause he's an old man.  I intend to make as many jokes as possible over hitting a new decade in his life, and making him feel old. However, this makes me think about how interesting, and odd it is that we became friends when we did.  I had just broken up with Thrax, and ended a social media hiatus.  I commented on a couple small things on Fet, to which he sent me a message, saying how we had so many mutual friends.  Despite the fact that I was still trickling social things back into my life, I responded, with normal conversation, to which we talked a bit back and forth.  I personally saw nothing coming from it, and figured he was just another fetdom perving about. We wound up going to a fair that we had plans to hit up, and talked for a bit there.  I found his glasses in the middle of the road, and just minor hanging out.  From there we found numbers, and facebook accounts, and continued talking, with slight comments on pla

There was a few things Lux and I talked about while he was here last.  One was a more personal thing, pertaining to the people in our lives, which lead to discussing how Lux is as a domlyperson.  I jokingly called him a lazy dom.  He agreed, and felt bad, but I made it a point to say he wasn't really, but rather one who simply wants basic obedience and respect.  He mentioned how he likes that I have so many self imposed rules, out of respect for him, because it means that he knows I'll constantly consider them, and follow it, without it having to become a formal order. We discussed how if he were to give me rules, I'd only have three.  To let him be in charge (most of the time), to take care of myself as well as him, and to be openly, and consistently honest at all times. Nothing insane. But the basic building blocks of healthy power exchange and relationships.  The other rules we create, either that I create for myself, or that he gives to me, are ones personal to us, t

I've recently been seeing a lot of things that include, or describe demisexuality.  I have a few friends who identify that way, but that they are the type that need to be in a solid romantic relationship before they consider sex.  This is the way I had figured it worked, so I dismissed it, blaming my sociopathy for my disinterest in most people.  I was very capable of a sort of casual sex, between friends, that needed no romantic stimulus to create that desire. Then, I continued to think past that.  Sure, I absolutely consider myself hypersexual.  I want sex all the time, and am damn near insatiable, whether with one of my partners, or in the middle of a dry spell.  However, I never look at the option of finding partners.  I could have someone standing in front of me that is my absolute ideal physical type and preferred personality, and if I ask myself if I want to fuck them, the answer will generally be a loud and resounding no.  However, give me a week or two of contact with tha

While I was so fortunate as to have an empty house, Lux decided to come down and spend the weekend with me.  I had leveled out from having less exposure to my toxic family, and was now at the point where I needed extra stimulus in a positive manner to help me reset. And it worked.  In spades.  Even if I didn't want Lux to leave as early Sunday morning as he did, I enjoyed having him around so immensely.  We got caught up on the normal goings on, discussed a bit what is going on with folks lately, and all of the Pennsic prep we needed to chat over. We also had a ton of sex, and despite intentions of beating me, we legitimately were unable to find the time for it.  We did however, get to relax on the porch a lot while he got work done, and on Saturday evening Zero came over with games, and we giggled at them until near midnight, listening to the fireworks on all sides of the house. We also talked a lot about why we haven't been as violent lately.  About the stress going on in

I have trouble asking for things.  Between being so service oriented, and my own past/family, I hate asking for anything, or even acknowledging that I have to ask for something.  I don't want to turn this into a sad recollection of abuse though. Every so often, to try and get myself more able to request things, I will ask for small tasks, to get things done more quickly, or just to provide some small comfort or aid.  Even those I have to talk myself in to though.  It's a project, and I'd almost rather just ignore it, or do it myself. I recently told Lux I needed more time with him, and asked if we could either have more chance to talk, or see each other when we're not about to go to sleep, or forcing ourselves to keep from doing something else.  Something that I understand is a basic thing in any relationship, and there are far worse issues to occur, but feeling the need to ask this, had me near tears.  I hate the idea of feeling like I need to ask for things.  Especi

Fusion occurred recently, and a good number of my friends, including Kitty, attended.  The event does spark my interest honestly.  Camping, spending time with friends, getting to play with fire, and having the chance to play with people I am very close to are all things that will get my attention.  I've thought about attending a few times. However, there's a part of me that never enjoyed public play.  There's too many reasons for me not to.  When people look at me, they generally tag me as submissive, and well, that's right some of the time, but definitely not always.  People that don't know me don't expect me to be a sadist, and act like I'm a service top.  No, I really just want to tear people apart, and I'll rip them to shreds too, just for being an ass. The biggest downside for me though, is that my pain tolerance is actually so high that I've had DMs tell me they don't trust a scene with my as a bottom to be safe.  I can take so much force