A New Devious Chapter

Kitty and I were talking about playing the other day.  He has apparently become one of the most popular fire tops on the east coast recently, and we decided he should set me on fire sometime soon.  We talked about how it'll likely turn into a ton of giggles as soon as he lights me up, and we'll have to do more work to keep focused than actually lighting me up.  I also said that I likely wouldn't flinch at all due to trust. He said that given the giant gouts of flame he gets off of people, he would absolutely expect me to react.  To which I said I have a level of trust in him that the people he lights up at events would never have.  It's not the safe feeling you have with a professional, but the fact that I've been a crying mess in his arms and seen his panicked protectiveness kick in.  I know that if he ever did any damage to me, he'd never forgive himself. Like I know that no matter how hard Lux wails on me, I'm completely safe.  The few times that he

So, I've been kind of bummed lately, due to the state of things at home.  In order to keep from dwelling on the bad, I'm going to make a list of the good things that bring me comfort and happiness. Night time in the car A cigar and a cup of coffee Walking around somewhere calm with friends Watching others play videogames, and providing witty banter Simple food made well.  Fancy stuff can be nice, but I prefer simple savory comfort flavors. Cooking for loved ones The smell of candles lit with a match Hiding in blankets with a book Random silly conversations Comfy snuggly sex.  Even if it's violent, or full of misogyny, or whatever else, I should want to snuggle with my partner Flailing around to music Making something new Learning Helping friends Sitting outside in the fresh air Old fantasy movies Silly anime Violent anime Sore muscles, and bruises Endorphin highs Watching fire The smell of warm vanilla Being naked And I'm sure a ton more things. 

A few days ago, someone I used to talk to contacted me again for the first time since I kicked out the gnome.  We chatted for a bit, catching up, and just general bs. She informed me that her marriage had fallen apart, due to lack of work on both their parts from the sound of it, but I could tell she was spinning it in a way that villainized him, and as of the beginning of summer, they were officially divorced. She also said that on Halloween she's getting married again. Now, I know that it takes at least 18 months to get a divorce in this state, but a span of two years isn't really enough to get mentally clear of your last relationship (which had to involve courts and custody and extra stuff due to their son) find someone, get through new relationship energy, then decide on, and plan a wedding.  We also know my opinion on weddings, but that's less valid here, this is just solid time logic.  I think it takes at least a year to figure out how you mesh with a person.  Yo

I mentioned how my friend last weekend decided to piss off Lux last weekend in the middle of a story. The story was about a friend of his, who is transitioning, and he finds their new behviours as they try to as their new gender to be unattractive.  He was explaining this, as it was appropriate to a picture he had seen, where he saw a woman to be attractive, but her body language wasn't, and this transitioning friend is frequently pushing a lot of the same habits and postures. My friend, before Lux even finished the story, started accusing Lux as being transphobic, shoving the idea down his throat without actually listening to him.  Needless to say, the judgement like that had Lux upset, and then she decided to go on about how she had to learn to profile people as a defense mechanism, and in a most condescending way told Lux he "was still a good person". Hence, going upstairs for cathartic sex shortly afterward. The next day, on the Tumbls, she decided to post a long

So, it's been an odd, but fun few days. Last Friday, I looked outside, and saw one of the main branches on the apple tree had split.  We yielded so many apples this year that the tree literally couldn't stand up to the weight, and broke.  My guess is that we wound up with near 400lbs of apples.  Which has meant bagging them up to go to everyone we know, as well as making a ton of applesauce and pie filling. Instead of going to the faire that Lux and I normally go to, and camp at, we wound up staying with friends and attending the faire in Tuxedo.  As time went on after we decided on this change, we felt more and more comfortable with this decision, due to the overall vibe we were getting, and things happening at the local faire. I went up Friday, after the beast got home from school, though Lux didn't make it down until Saturday morning.  Friday was calm, just hanging out and catching up mostly.  The faire was basically a much needed day away for us.  We saw a few people

I've been trying to help Kitty a lot through his current relatioship.  On the bright side, he's actually sharing the things going on with me, so that we can work through them.  After saying it was his preference, he's finally in his first poly relationship (despite how we were in the past, I was never actually his secondary).  He's generally as protective and territorial as I am, which means there's more of a learning curve involved for how to deal with his primary having other partners. And well, she found one.  An old primary of her's, with a history of emotionally abusing her.  Needless to say, that, and the fact that it completely turned their dynamic upside down piqued his jealousy, and he's been trying to work through it. Well, months later, it's still there.  And he knows himself well enough to say that this feeling is caused by the situation, rather than the people involved, so he continues to trudge on.  One of the things that is likely not g

A year and a half ago I started this blog by discussing my dysmorphia.  How I am absolutely my worst critic when it comes to my appearance, and how my body itself causes a lot of mental issues in my life. Well, I've been working on this a lot.  Especially through the current year, I've been focusing on feeling better about how I look, and learning more about my body.  Lux also helps, as frequent groping and nomming is a very positive influence.  I had times at Pennsic where my mind sort of woke up to the fact that I'm going to look very different in period garb than the rest of our camp.  My waist is super tiny, so unless I'm in one of my lacing, fitted gowns, it's going to be baggy in the waist, to fit over my shoulders.  And even with the lace up ones, because of the type of fabric, and period patterns, it's going to bunch near the butt.  This is just a fact, and anyone I saw with a similar build to my own had clothing that fit the exact same way. I've

So, I've managed even with the beast being home for summer, and Pennsic, to keep up with regularly working out.  And, I'm noticing some fun random benefits that have appeared over time. Simple things like my posture are a given.  I'm standing straighter again, and a bit taller, though not enough to be noticeable with how short I am.  It still could be a bit better, but it's getting there with time. More fun though, is random things.  Like how my hips are way more open now, and Lux can not only press my legs back and past my torso without any pain, or even feeling a stretch, but he presses them flat out sometimes, with his weight on me, and even with how broad his hips are (which, boys with hips, omnomnom) I don't feel sore like I used to, at all.  I shall enjoy reaping these benefits, and so does Lux. Also I can finally touch my toes bending forward without being in excruciating pain!  This is seriously something I've never been able to do. I still can't

Along with my blog here, I have a Tumblr which I post to frequently.  There's a good amount of nerdy stuff and silly things, but it's mostly porn. And by porn, I mean violence and power exchange. Even though I've been posting to the blog for well over a year, I have a relatively small number of followers, especially compared to Lux, who posts far less frequently, but sees much more activity buzzing from his blog. And, it never surprises me as to why.  I'm straight.  And there is this insanely common fantasy for men to pay significantly more attention to bisexual girls, in hopes of threesomes.  This goes to the point where partners in the past have tried to ignore my sexuality, or force me to have sex with women.  It seems as though folks on the internet have a fixation with group sex. Also, I am very realistic in my sex and thoughts.  I don't want humilitation, or to be degraded and compared.  It seriously fucks me over mentally, because of past shit that my mi

With all the posts on here lately about rape, contact, and sexuality, I thought I'd talk a bit more on the weirdness that has been my evolving sex drive.  I forget sometimes how different I am compared to most people, due to my sociopathy, when it comes to basic human emotions and desires. I started probably as far from my current hypersexual self as possible.  I didn't see people as attractive in the slightest, and had no physical desires in any way through most of my teens.  I mean this to the point where I wanted no physical contact with anyone, and the idea of it made my skin crawl. I viewed sex from a purely scientific standpoint.  Heavy contact, and exposure to bodily fluids, with a chance of pregnancy.  All of these things turned me off, and so I wanted nothing to do with it. What I did enjoy however, was endorphins.  And you know how sometimes the people around you being high on brain juice transfers over to you too?  Well, this was the only reason I started fooling

I've been thinking lately on how I function best.  How I get the most done, and work the best, in a healthy way. Right before Pennsic I didn't have many projects, and it made me feel like something was missing.  I was only reading one book, and could barely get through it, and most people weren't sharing and coredumping with me because this summer has been really hard on me in my home environment which has my stress levels insanely high. In regards to the vast majority of things, I work best with a load that makes most people feel overwhelmed.  Right now I have a stack of books on my nightstand, and it's relaxing to know I have plenty of different things to get to.  With the fall coming up, I'm thinking of a ton of gifts to make, and planning the next couple months. Even when it comes to my stress levels, I thrive when other people dump their stress on me.  Focusing on helping loved ones, and knowing I am doing what I can for them makes me feel better, and like I

This is late in the evening, due to finally being home from my week with Lux.  It was a very relaxing time, where I did what I could to get caught up on the upkeep of his place, as well as my own projects.  I got to enjoy cooking for us all week, which lets Lux relax more.  He was supposed to get work done with the extra time not spent on chores. We played video games instead. He had gotten a gift card for his birthday, and so I was given the job to find fun games.  I threatened to buy a ton of shitty dollar games.  I instead got a handful of fun multiplayer games for us to play together.  One of which may have made us completely mentally overstimulated, which had us giggling at everything afterward. While gone, I made a lot of plans for projects over the fall and winter, which will have me very busy, but I really think everyone will love.  I'm really looking forward to all of it happening. And of course, with Lux and I being together, there was a bunch of sex.  Maybe not as m

I was up with friends over the weekend (and am now spending a few days with Lux).  It was nice to see them, and catch up, but sometimes I am reminded of how some folks just never get over their past, and even more when they only see it as emotional abuse decades later. I made the very like mistake of getting into the discussion of women crying rape with her.  She very vehemently demanded that there are no women who cry rape, and no such thing as legitimate next day regret.  That anyone who thinks they shouldn't have had sex after the fact, only felt uncomfortable or unsafe saying no at the time.  That women would never cry rape because they know about society today. She even went on to say that an enthusiastic affirmation of consent means nothing, and that it has to be surely genuine or it means nothing. And this is all well and good, in a fictional perfect world.  However, because humans are all different and varied beings, these statements will never be true.  If you need to

While reading through blogs lately, I came across one that discussed a man cheating on his submissive partner, and the after effects, as well as ideas on monogamy in today's society. It mentioned how she felt guilty after.  That she deserved to be cheated on, and that it was her fault that her dom did what he did.  And dear gods did this throw up red flags for me.  It's such an external sign of emotional abuse.  That the partner who destroyed the trust in a relationship couldn't possibly have been a douchebag, but rather the other party was so horrible that it forced him to do what they did. It's bullshit. In case you read that wrong the first time, here it is again. BULLSHIT. No one deserves to be cheated on.  Nothing warrants the destruction of trust, or the pain involved in going behind a partner's back.  Even with everything partner's have done to me in the past, I never cheated on them in return.  It's such an inconsiderate action based on pure sel

One of the things I found interesting at Pennsic, was the lower amount of people hitting on me than anticipated.  Sure, I'm probably just being my normal oblivious self, and there were actually a ton, and Lux being nearby likely had something to do with it.  However, most guys that approached me seemed to just want to talk, and hang out. Women however, seemed to be all about trying to get up on me.  Lux was pointing it out to me several times, when women were about a half step shy from grabbing my head and smooshing it into their chests.  I'm not sure if they were looking for my approval before moving onto Lux (which, I'm a terrible wingman.  Just go hit on him, because I have no interest in their vagoo) or just wanted me, but either way, it hit points of being awkward with how hard they were trying. I talked to Lux about it on the way home.  He said that it's a bad reason, but the "what happens at Pennsic, stays at Pennsic" mentality does exist.  Women can

While at Pennsic, Lux and I attended a play party that I had been invited to.  We had discussed going just to people watch, chat with folks, and likely not play ourselves.  However, that evening while getting ready, he packed his rucksack full of smacky toys, and we headed out, through the block party, and on the hunt for the very secret play party. While on the way, Lux kept pestering me to have the password, which was some dumb combination of terms that I don't even remember anymore.  He joked that I wasn't telling him so that I had leverage over the situation, and I assured him that it wasn't the case, and that he was still very much in charge.  When we got there, it was still fairly quiet.  An old partner of Lux's was tending bar, and we ran into some friends to chat with.  While watching a suspension scene, Lux joked that I had to bring him to a party at Pennsic for him to hit me.  I told him that if I really wanted him to hit me, I'd just hit him first, whic

I am finally home from Pennsic, and hopefully soon will be fully unpacked and back to my normal routine.  The next few posts will likely be a smattering of thoughts on my week long adventure with Lux. Our adventure started with loading up the car and having a big dinner.  We got to bed at a decent time, but wound up fucking several times throughout the night, which likely wasn't the smartest plan considering our long drive.  We woke up on time anyway, and got moving quickly, moving right along with the timetable we'd hoped for.  When we got there, I had a lot to process and take in.  Most people claim this is an insane event that will change lives and all such manner of things.  I was a bit surprised in the fact that I didn't feel that, although the event is huge.  I think part of the reason that it didn't have such impact on me is because of my past.  I've been camping since I was eight, doing faires since I was about ten, and larping since fifteen.  Kitty is a

As of this going live, I should just be back from Pennsic.  Expect awesome stories about the adventure soon, but in the meantime, this last pre-prepped post shall be a silly story about new found limits. Yes.  That's right.  New hard limits were discovered, and it will make you laugh. So, last time I was up at Lux's apartment, we took a lot of time to relax and talk and catch up on things.  Part of this included the Youtube channels we watch, and several of them make references to each other. We will often throw on playlists, and let it go as background noise, giggling at the randomness that ensues. We're also commonly naked when together, just out of comfort. The particular channel we had on that day was called Game Grumps. Go on, look it up. In fact, look it up along with the word "Cranberries". Then look it up along with "Sakura Spirit". I'll give you a moment.  That way you can fully understand what is going on. Now that you have an idea

Lux came over for his birthday, because he wanted to have some big get together with the people he cares about.  It had a wonderful turnout, and was honestly a great time.  We played video games afterward, and wound up being silly and having fun. When we got back to my place, we were tired, but being us, sex was the higher priority at that point.  Now, we haven't had much time to really decompress together.  There's been a lot of stress for both of us, and not much time to have that emotional release.  When I saw him on Father's day we snuck away for ten minutes for a quick fuck, as quiet as we could be while trying to go as hard as we could.  Then when he came down when the house was empty, there was a lot of loud sex, but again, that hard, rough sex to take the edge off of how we needed to fuck again.  Which was fun, in case that isn't obvious. This time, in the two weeks we didn't see each other, there was a lot of emotional stress for both of us.  We have bee

I really enjoy being marked up.  A lot.  They're like pretty badges of honor for me; little reminders of the fun had, the person who put them there, and the pride of behaving well enough to earn them. Now, in general it takes a lot to mark me up, so most slapping and grabbing will create a small red splotch that disappears in minutes.  It takes a good wailing to leave something on me that will stay.  That too makes me very proud of the marks I wear, because I withstood so much. Now, one of the things I worried about with Pennsic, was walking around with my dance gear on and having people see my bruises and welts.  I generally try to cover them up in normal day to day actions, or if I'm performing at a family venue, but with classes, and parties and heat, I'd rather not have those extra layers.  I worried how Lux would feel walking next to me, and the possible looks he would get as we held hands and I had purple wrapping around my hips. But, I realized that I don't c