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Much Needed

Last weekend Lux came to visit after spending the holiday with his parents.  And it couldn't have come at a better time.  We've both been at our limits with other people, and needed time to just enjoy each other. Up until a few days before, I didn't even know if he'd be visiting.  His parents have been wonky about him spending time with me for some really weird reasons, and it has caused him to have to do things he doesn't want to in order to keep the peace with them.  A part of me was really afraid that he'd opt for the entire time with them just to make them happy. And, when the weekend came, I thought they were playing games to keep him there, and from seeing me.  Not giving him an answer of whether they needed him to do anything, and stopping him from leaving.  Luckily, he's so much better than that, and made it over early in the afternoon, fried with them, and ready to relax with me for a day and let off some steam.  He apparently put his foot down ab

Take Away

I have no problem at this point saying that Thrax was abusive, neglectful, and an all around asshat.  He would constantly tell me how he wanted to play with, and fuck other girls, then tell me I wanted too much sex and play.  And by too much, it meant any at all.  We almost completely stopped playing once we were actually dating, and even though I would ask, and express interest, without it being constant, he would constantly make excuses, and tell me I was being irritating.  Every so often to shut me up, he would throw my cuffs on me, and do something outside of out broken record of sex, which usually just meant me bending over the bed instead of being on top. Needless to say, this had me feeling more undesirable than usual, neglected, and lonely.  I felt like shit in regards to how he wanted to play with everyone else but me. I mentioned last week about how Lux has had trouble kicking himself in the ass enough to quit hiding from play.  It'd been a really long time since we'

Closeted

Last weekend, I had to sit for my pseudo nephew while his father, who I refer to as an older brother, because he's been in my life since I was born helped my parents with something.  While waiting for a third person to show up, said older brother said I needed to supply anime, and we'd get booze later and have a night to bs. And, it wasn't bad.  I picked out the booze, so nothing weird or gross was there.  You know how most people get drunk, and feel relaxed, or have less inhibition?  Well, I lose motor function and that's it.  I actually get a bit more uptight sometimes because I get frustrated over that lack of physical ability.  I kept texting Lux saying how I don't understand why people enjoy being drunk.  I drink because I enjoy the taste of booze, but for me it's like having a piece of cake.  Every so often I want some, but after a serving, the craving is gone.  Normally, he's used to only seeing me around my parents.  Which means I'm censoring

Obligatory Turkey Day Post!

As is appropriate every year on Thanksgiving, the following is a collection of what I am thankful for. * Self awareness, and the ability to learn and grow within myself * The best support structure I've ever had in life, in the form of a fantastic domly dragon, and the return of my wonderful kitty, each of which have their own place in my life which no standard title would ever fit what they are to me * The realization that I am apparently poly, but just really picky.  And apparently should trust my type * Having seen and felt the effects of unbalanced and inconsiderate assholish poly, so that I have a better knowledge of the importance of the care I need to put into those in my life * Adventures, which help me experience new things, and build memories * A talent with the arts that will have me constantly making leaps and strides in my work * The ability to cook, and bake, and an enjoyment in doing so that brings people together * The inspiration to go do and see all sorts

Dealing with Doms

Shortly after Lux and I started hanging out, he went through a breakup.  As most somewhat unexpected ends to relationships will do, this left him in an odd mental state, feeling rather reluctant to indulge in the things he experienced in that relationship, and blamed himself, and those things as a part of the break.  A good bulk of these things had to do with power exchange, and sadism, which while sometimes present in our lives together, it's at a very surface level, and just the smallest taste before he needs reassurance that we're both ok, and that no damage has been done. Given that I was also fresh off the breakup with Thrax, this left me in no mood to be submissive, and so I was fine with the lack of power exchange, and happy to build a solid egalitarian friendship to see where it evolved.  As time went on though, accidental dynamics occurred, and became more prevalent.  We acknowledged their existence, and while he would tell me he craved power exchange, and spoke of it

Not Cookie Cutter

While Kitty and I were having dinner together, I explained my friendship with Zero.  About how he's a very natural beta type personality, and sees me as his alpha, which is why I'm usually the person with him when he tries going somewhere.  Kitty remarked that he doesn't see me as an alpha type, because I've always acted as a sidekick in his eyes. And with him, yes, I've always been there right next to him helping.  I'm an extra set of hands, because he is motivated, and driven, but sometimes needs that unspoken coordination of a well oiled machine. I strive not to be the alpha who simply marches around wanting to be in charge, but rather one that does what is necessary to build up, and inspire those I care about.  It's not a matter of power exchange, although that can become part of it, but rather a small part of the service which shows that I care about someone. Lux needs someone who can make decisions sometimes.  Someone who will kick him in the butt,

Accidents happen

Long ago, back in my teenage years I was pretty self aware, though less than I am now.  More of a sociopath, without the proper channeling, used it often as a weapon rather than an aid. I dated a few boys in my teens, and none of them lasted very long.  To be honest, I would tell myself that I'd been single for a while, and find a boy to date to shut everyone up.  These were boys I had very little attachment to, and hadn't really been friends with beforehand.  After a few weeks, they'd be gone, usually because they couldn't understand how cold and overly logical I tend to be. And through all but my first boyfriend, Kitty was there.  He was my best friend through it all, and I've felt the exact same about him since I was 16.  Often, when people would see he and I out together, they'd ask if we were dating, or something similar.  I'd laugh, say that he has a girlfriend at home, I have a boyfriend, but that he was way more important.  We wouldn't fool aro

Kittybox

Last weekend was my first time seeing Kitty in far too many years.  And it was probably something close to being out of a storybook.  We were best friends that were a hair away from a very serious relationship for reasons on both sides.  We were the support structure for each other, and even though we'd bash heads once in a while, it was because we simply hadn't learned to communicate properly with each other, and shortly after, we'd be back to our snuggly giggly normal. Falling back into what had so naturally was almost surreal.  Like time apart didn't matter, and even though we had these experiences without the other there, it didn't affect us at all.  The only difference I noticed was us not holding hands constantly, but we took every possible chance to snuggle and hug and have all the little affectionate touches that help us both. While we threw around a bunch of ideas of things to do, we wound up wandering Philly, babbling about random things, and going right

Comfort

The weekend of Halloween was hectic to say the least.  While at the beast's parade at school, my mother tripped on the blacktop, and wound up breaking her wrist.  Which means I've had to take over everything for a house where I'm treated like complete shit. Now, it's rather obvious that for me service is a form of affection.  It's how I show I care, and it comes naturally, and near effortlessly for those I'm close to. For environments like the one I live in aren't the case for this though.  It's psychologically similar to having to fuck a stranger at gunpoint on camera while being ordered about the whole time if the person were vanilla.  And while that sounds dramatic, it's honest. Luckily, I hade Lux here over the weekend, who provided me much needed snuggles the entire time he was here.  He could tell how off I was, and kept being sure to hug me and make me smile.  It was such a tremendous help, and without him there, I would have been a total m

Pushing

So, one of my oldest friends has in the last couple years decided that he wants to open his relationship into a poly dynamic.  He is interested in the idea of a closed poly situation, where the larger number of partners becomes almost like a supportive net instead of only having one partner to go to. And in all of these years since, he's yet to actually put out the effort to try and find a third.  He has no experience with polyamory, other than the concept, and things he reads.  I happen to follow one of his blogs, and with regular consistency he posts all this pro-poly stuff.  And that's cool.  I have no issue with it.  But what I don't like is when he starts reposting things that regularly put poly situations above mono ones.  Saying that monogamous, or monoarmorous dynamics are inferior or wrong.  To spout this when he's been stubborning through an emotionally abusive relationship with one partner for over a decade now, is basically his way of saying he'd rathe

Life is Strange

So, a while ago I was watching the end of a game.  One of those story style games where you choose what your character says or does, and the actions and story around you are molded by your choices.  The basic plot is that you are a girl at an art school in her home town.  You decide to go there so you can find your old best friend again, after being apart for a few years.  Another girl has gone missing, and so you're trying to find out about that, and discover that you have the ability to rewind time. And when you meet your bestie again, and constantly throughout the story, you're saving her from dying.  You do everything you can, and even in the last episode of the game, you spend half the time rewriting the entire story just to save her. And then the final decision comes.  As you watch a storm destroying your home town, you stand hand in hand with the one person who knows you, and has been there the entire time, and you have to decide whether to go back and let her die whe

Excite!

The next two weekends have managed to keep my mood from being total garbage lately with how things at home have been.  I'm really looking forward to them, and the positive effect they should have on me.  This coming weekend is Halloween, and Lux is coming to visit.  We had thought about going to something nearby, but from the sound of things, we'll just be spending time together relaxing.  The only thing we've decided we need to do, is snuggle up with blankets and coffee and be crotchety old people with pipes.  Possibly while handing out candy, as my sister has off of work specifically to take the beast trick-or-treating.  I also intend to do a lot of cooking, as tradition on Halloween says that when everyone is out harvesting candy, some food must be made which is easy to just grab whenever people get hungry.  Usually my mother would make hotdogs and chili, but I'm thinking a couple different kinds of soup, and bread.  Maybe if everyone is in I'll make a mountain

Same Track

Recently, Kitty and I were talking about how we want to continue working towards getting into better shape.  He jokingly said he needs to find a good source of cardio, and I of course responded with saying he should just ask his primary to help, now that they live together. He responded by saying that it wasn't that easy, and that his sex drive is so high is causes problems, and that he's probably clinically fucked up for how high it is. Become super protective and caring of my best friend you say?  That's exactly what happened. I remembered him saying he had an abnormally high libido way back when we first started having sex.  Having had no idea what the "normal" range was at that point, and not knowing where I fell on the spectrum, I didn't realize that I was just as abnormal as he was.  He would tell me that it was causing issues with the relationship he was in at the time, and that he was used to it. And, I suppose this issue is almost expected for guy

Boredboredbored

I read an article the other day that had a ton of confessions about sex.  How people feel while having sex with their partners, and it was all very sad to see how unhappy so many people are with the sex they have. The most common complaint was that they get bored.  That they don't have fun with their partners, don't enjoy the sex, and so they distract themselves by going through other thoughts. And, this is sad, for all parties involved.  Sure, we should all want our partners to have fun, and do what we can to make that happen, but if they don't communicate, or just brush off the possibility of making things better, that's their fault too.  Admittedly, I got incredibly bored during sex with both Thrax and the gnome.  Not only was all sex this rushed chore, but it was the exact same thing every time, like a broken record.  And when you basically are just going through the motions like your morning routine, sex isn't going to be fun. Both of them also blatently wo

Boxes

I've posted on here before that I don't believe in looking for people to fill specific roles in my life, but rather seeing simply what spot they make themselves comfy in.  I've described this to people as seeing if there is a box they decide they enjoy climbing into, and then they put a label on whatever relationship we have together.  It's why I frequently give people nicknames, rather than more traditional titles. Well, Lux came to visit last weekend, and while he was supposed to spend the night, he decided to just stop by for a while because of an issue with his parents.  While explaining to me what was going on, he referred to me as his best friend, which made me simultaneously incredibly proud, and cared for, but also a bit sad.  I always say that Kitty is my best friend because he was for the longest time.  It was the healthiest, most supportive relationship I'd had for such a long period of my life. And now Lux is such an important person to me, and for a l

Different worlds

Long ago, shortly after my grandmother passed away, my mother got my dad his obnoxiously huge tv for being patient during all the running around to nursing homes, and doctors, and packing, and legal stuff.  Well, when he picked one out, and it arrived at the house, the picture was nowhere near the quality it should have been.  We went back to the store, and my dad tried to return it, only to start arguing over return policies and crap.  My mother looks at me, leans over, and says "The boy in charge of the department right now has been checking you out.  You should go flirt with him, and get them to take back the tv." To which I asked my mom if she was on drugs, and ignored her.  For many reasons.  A significant part of which is because I have no idea how to flirt.  It would also be a seriously dick move to try and manipulate some boy, just to do something for my parents.  Story ends with someone else walking in, and explaining that the particular cables that come with that

Simple Seasons

With it now being fall, I've been looking at what I want to accomplish in the next few months.  What places I want to go to, things to make, and general ideas and goals.  It's a normal thing that I do with the changing seasons to keep organized. There's quite a few things I want to cook and bake now that it's cooler out, and there's a lot of things I want to make for the holidays, as well as some garb that needs repairing from Pennsic.  I should be able to get through quite a bit in the coming weeks.  Kitty and I are also pretty determined to get some time together, which has me incredibly excited, because we both agree that we let there be distance between us for far too long. Lux and I also tend to make up little to-do lists fairly seasonally.  We don't always tackle them, but they're things we'd really like to do together. And what does an adventurous partnership of sociopaths that indulge in power exchange plan for during the fall? Well, right no

Dangerous, Fun, and Safe

Kitty and I were talking about playing the other day.  He has apparently become one of the most popular fire tops on the east coast recently, and we decided he should set me on fire sometime soon.  We talked about how it'll likely turn into a ton of giggles as soon as he lights me up, and we'll have to do more work to keep focused than actually lighting me up.  I also said that I likely wouldn't flinch at all due to trust. He said that given the giant gouts of flame he gets off of people, he would absolutely expect me to react.  To which I said I have a level of trust in him that the people he lights up at events would never have.  It's not the safe feeling you have with a professional, but the fact that I've been a crying mess in his arms and seen his panicked protectiveness kick in.  I know that if he ever did any damage to me, he'd never forgive himself. Like I know that no matter how hard Lux wails on me, I'm completely safe.  The few times that he

Lifting

So, I've been kind of bummed lately, due to the state of things at home.  In order to keep from dwelling on the bad, I'm going to make a list of the good things that bring me comfort and happiness. Night time in the car A cigar and a cup of coffee Walking around somewhere calm with friends Watching others play videogames, and providing witty banter Simple food made well.  Fancy stuff can be nice, but I prefer simple savory comfort flavors. Cooking for loved ones The smell of candles lit with a match Hiding in blankets with a book Random silly conversations Comfy snuggly sex.  Even if it's violent, or full of misogyny, or whatever else, I should want to snuggle with my partner Flailing around to music Making something new Learning Helping friends Sitting outside in the fresh air Old fantasy movies Silly anime Violent anime Sore muscles, and bruises Endorphin highs Watching fire The smell of warm vanilla Being naked And I'm sure a ton more things. 

Timeline

A few days ago, someone I used to talk to contacted me again for the first time since I kicked out the gnome.  We chatted for a bit, catching up, and just general bs. She informed me that her marriage had fallen apart, due to lack of work on both their parts from the sound of it, but I could tell she was spinning it in a way that villainized him, and as of the beginning of summer, they were officially divorced. She also said that on Halloween she's getting married again. Now, I know that it takes at least 18 months to get a divorce in this state, but a span of two years isn't really enough to get mentally clear of your last relationship (which had to involve courts and custody and extra stuff due to their son) find someone, get through new relationship energy, then decide on, and plan a wedding.  We also know my opinion on weddings, but that's less valid here, this is just solid time logic.  I think it takes at least a year to figure out how you mesh with a person.  Yo