A New Devious Chapter

The other day, while making dinner, the beast looked at me and said "[Boy] in my class sits behind me everyday because he liiiiiiiiikes me".  And, no lie, how she said it was fucking adorable.  Part of me is still denying that she's grown up enough to acknowledge the existence of any feels, but it's still cute.  She then proceeded to talk about him a ton, which is blantently pointing to her thinking she likes him, because she generally ignores the idea of male friends.  My mom pointed out then, that at her age one boy in my class was constantly following me around, and probably liked me too.  I told her I never noticed, even though we were friends, and would play/talk every day during school.  She then said that she didn't think that I realized boys and girls were different until I was about ten. My response was that I never really viewed boys and girls as different things.  Everyone is a people, and so I just treat them that way, which is why I've never had

Christmas was just the emotional clusterfuck I expected it to be.  My family, despite the reminders through several situations, forgot to get me any gifts.  Now, while I figured this would happen, and don't care much about getting things, I've talked recently on how it feels to be forgotten, and considering that I've been busting my ass to make everything they want happen, to not be a thought is a bit of a kick in the teeth. And to top it off, the beast noticed.  After opening all her gifts, she looked around at everyone sitting with boxes and bags in front of them, and me with nothing at the table.  She asked why Santa didn't bring me anything, but did for everyone else.  She said that I've been good, and took good care of her, and deserved a mountain of presents, and didn't know why Santa missed me. And my parents stayed silent, leaving me to explain to my six year old without ruining Santa, that my parents are asshats. I vented to a lot of people.  Kitty a

It's the end of another year, and so, time to reflect on everything that's happened. I've learned that everyone I'm directly related to is toxic. That I was raised with no idea of what a healthy relationship was. That I will never be acknowledged as a person by my parents, and subsequently it teaches my daughter to do the same. I reconnected with one of the best people ever to come into my life. I discovered that I am poly, when I have healthy relationships around. I got into better shape, expanded my flexibility, and taught myself to do new things. My skills in a lot of arts were pushed, and I learned a lot. There were many new adventures, which were fantastic experiences. I was cared for, which is far beyond what I have at home. I tried as much as I possibly could to be a supportive partner, and take care of those important to me. Posted via Blogaway

I'm feeling emotionally torn apart.  Between Lux, and Kitty right now, I have a lot of stuff taking up my energy. Kitty has a primary that he lives with.  She is in the military for medicine, and is about to start her residency.  Well, she recently got her assignment. They were expecting something that would have them relocating just about an hour away for it to be more convenient.  She had also interviewed near where her other partner lives, across the country, where she went to college, and near his brother, again on the west coast.  I wasn't the happiest about any of those, because they all put him farther away from me, and I do enjoy spending time with my kitty. However, despite the planning, she was stationed somewhere else.  All the way down in Florida.  Where none of us know anyone to point them towards a social circle, or help them build a life.  And where Kitty has very little chance of finding a job in his field, or a good option for a masters program as a backup. 

If you haven't gotten it yet, I'm not a big fan of the holidays.  They seriously drain me, provide a massive amount of stress, and in general make me rather cranky.  And to top it off, my family has a tendency of forgetting me around this time of year.  Treating me more like shit than usual, but ignoring, and forgetting about me.  Mind you, I'm not the materialistic type.  I don't want much, usually because anything I'm told I'll get by most never happens, or I'm told no to things I need.  It's how I grew up, and it's always a bit of a shock to find out how abnormal it is. But, as you can see, this sort of environment doesn't make for much Christmas spirit.  It's why I'd get so upset with Thrax, when he'd literally spend thousands on Bit (usually on things from my wishlists, or that he'd previously promised me), then realize he forgot to get me anything, and yell at me that I was wrong and he was waiting for it to show if I aske

Recently, I saw a game that was more like going for a weird emotional ride.  A game that showed things from back in the day of using AIM, and editting thoughts or backing out of things as you went along.  Of unspoken feelings, and lost opportunities. And, a year ago, it would have hit me really hard.  The game is about the protagonist, and his best friend, a girl, and their conversations from the end of high school and the subsequent few years following.  He never says how he feels, and sees her leave, winding up with someone who is likely emotionally abusive, and losing that friendship. And, a year ago, I had thought Kitty was near out of my life permanently.  He was with someone who was jealous, and controlling, and had moved in order to further his life in a way that he couldn't here.  He knew how much I cared, but I thought that I'd lost him from my life. And at the same time, a year ago Lux had just recently moved, and I was seeing him less often.  We were making a lot

Lately, I barely have time to breathe.  This time of year is always busy for me, trying to make happen everything my family needs, and consequently getting shit on.  Hooray. We celebrate Channukah as well as Christmas, so when Thanksgiving comes around, we're pretty much in constant holiday prep, and guess who is constantly cleaning up messes and doing the work. The cookiepocalypse is in full swing, and so I've been baking nonstop, and working on a few other things.  Doing this around holiday logistics is less than fun, but luckily there is only a little while longer to deal with it. This time of year always has my stress levels through the roof.  It fucks with my cycle and always has me feeling wonky.  To top it off, Lux and Kitty are both so swamped at work that I barely hear from them, and it just drags me down more.  Soon though, the holidays will be done, and I'll have time with the people I really care about, and it'll make things much better. Posted via Bloga

The last few weeks I've been waist deep in projects.  Not just any projects mind you, but very detailed, time consuming, and intricate projects.  Things that kill my hands, make me feel exhausted, and sometimes are just overwhelming.  I made my father a snuggly couch blanket.  Contrasting colors that vibrate, and it's a good size to curl up with.  It was almost a month of working on it for two hours a day. I made kitty and his primary some plushies.  New patterns for me, and plushies are always a bit of a pain.  Making sure everything is the right size, and lined up correctly is difficult.  They loved them though. Since the summer, I've been working on a set of blankets.  Star wars blankets, comprised of two dozen separate panels, each featuring a different picture.  They're finally in the finishing phases, and have been a major source of frustration. I made Lux what I simply referred to as the masochistic project when I talked to him.  A tapestry crochet that I did

I see graphics, and captions, and posts and comments with this all the time.  It's a constant, and has become standard terminology for the vast majority of the country.  And for some reason, the words never stick with me. Things with the words "Every good girl has a bad side" or "Find a girl who is naughty just for you".  And, I just don't read it the same way most people do.  My incredibly high sex drive isn't bad.  My enjoyment of sucking cock isn't bad, and my sadomasochism isn't naughty.  These things are simply part of me, and I never use them in an ill manner. Telling me that I'm bad will simply make me not want to share that part with you.  It becomes hidden like so much of me does to the vast majority of people.  Saying I'm bad is telling me I'm doing something you don't like, and considering that it's often said with a boner in hand, it's telling me something very different.  Being bad is causing harm.  It'

Last weekend Lux came to visit after spending the holiday with his parents.  And it couldn't have come at a better time.  We've both been at our limits with other people, and needed time to just enjoy each other. Up until a few days before, I didn't even know if he'd be visiting.  His parents have been wonky about him spending time with me for some really weird reasons, and it has caused him to have to do things he doesn't want to in order to keep the peace with them.  A part of me was really afraid that he'd opt for the entire time with them just to make them happy. And, when the weekend came, I thought they were playing games to keep him there, and from seeing me.  Not giving him an answer of whether they needed him to do anything, and stopping him from leaving.  Luckily, he's so much better than that, and made it over early in the afternoon, fried with them, and ready to relax with me for a day and let off some steam.  He apparently put his foot down ab

I have no problem at this point saying that Thrax was abusive, neglectful, and an all around asshat.  He would constantly tell me how he wanted to play with, and fuck other girls, then tell me I wanted too much sex and play.  And by too much, it meant any at all.  We almost completely stopped playing once we were actually dating, and even though I would ask, and express interest, without it being constant, he would constantly make excuses, and tell me I was being irritating.  Every so often to shut me up, he would throw my cuffs on me, and do something outside of out broken record of sex, which usually just meant me bending over the bed instead of being on top. Needless to say, this had me feeling more undesirable than usual, neglected, and lonely.  I felt like shit in regards to how he wanted to play with everyone else but me. I mentioned last week about how Lux has had trouble kicking himself in the ass enough to quit hiding from play.  It'd been a really long time since we'

Last weekend, I had to sit for my pseudo nephew while his father, who I refer to as an older brother, because he's been in my life since I was born helped my parents with something.  While waiting for a third person to show up, said older brother said I needed to supply anime, and we'd get booze later and have a night to bs. And, it wasn't bad.  I picked out the booze, so nothing weird or gross was there.  You know how most people get drunk, and feel relaxed, or have less inhibition?  Well, I lose motor function and that's it.  I actually get a bit more uptight sometimes because I get frustrated over that lack of physical ability.  I kept texting Lux saying how I don't understand why people enjoy being drunk.  I drink because I enjoy the taste of booze, but for me it's like having a piece of cake.  Every so often I want some, but after a serving, the craving is gone.  Normally, he's used to only seeing me around my parents.  Which means I'm censoring

As is appropriate every year on Thanksgiving, the following is a collection of what I am thankful for. * Self awareness, and the ability to learn and grow within myself * The best support structure I've ever had in life, in the form of a fantastic domly dragon, and the return of my wonderful kitty, each of which have their own place in my life which no standard title would ever fit what they are to me * The realization that I am apparently poly, but just really picky.  And apparently should trust my type * Having seen and felt the effects of unbalanced and inconsiderate assholish poly, so that I have a better knowledge of the importance of the care I need to put into those in my life * Adventures, which help me experience new things, and build memories * A talent with the arts that will have me constantly making leaps and strides in my work * The ability to cook, and bake, and an enjoyment in doing so that brings people together * The inspiration to go do and see all sorts

Shortly after Lux and I started hanging out, he went through a breakup.  As most somewhat unexpected ends to relationships will do, this left him in an odd mental state, feeling rather reluctant to indulge in the things he experienced in that relationship, and blamed himself, and those things as a part of the break.  A good bulk of these things had to do with power exchange, and sadism, which while sometimes present in our lives together, it's at a very surface level, and just the smallest taste before he needs reassurance that we're both ok, and that no damage has been done. Given that I was also fresh off the breakup with Thrax, this left me in no mood to be submissive, and so I was fine with the lack of power exchange, and happy to build a solid egalitarian friendship to see where it evolved.  As time went on though, accidental dynamics occurred, and became more prevalent.  We acknowledged their existence, and while he would tell me he craved power exchange, and spoke of it

While Kitty and I were having dinner together, I explained my friendship with Zero.  About how he's a very natural beta type personality, and sees me as his alpha, which is why I'm usually the person with him when he tries going somewhere.  Kitty remarked that he doesn't see me as an alpha type, because I've always acted as a sidekick in his eyes. And with him, yes, I've always been there right next to him helping.  I'm an extra set of hands, because he is motivated, and driven, but sometimes needs that unspoken coordination of a well oiled machine. I strive not to be the alpha who simply marches around wanting to be in charge, but rather one that does what is necessary to build up, and inspire those I care about.  It's not a matter of power exchange, although that can become part of it, but rather a small part of the service which shows that I care about someone. Lux needs someone who can make decisions sometimes.  Someone who will kick him in the butt,

Long ago, back in my teenage years I was pretty self aware, though less than I am now.  More of a sociopath, without the proper channeling, used it often as a weapon rather than an aid. I dated a few boys in my teens, and none of them lasted very long.  To be honest, I would tell myself that I'd been single for a while, and find a boy to date to shut everyone up.  These were boys I had very little attachment to, and hadn't really been friends with beforehand.  After a few weeks, they'd be gone, usually because they couldn't understand how cold and overly logical I tend to be. And through all but my first boyfriend, Kitty was there.  He was my best friend through it all, and I've felt the exact same about him since I was 16.  Often, when people would see he and I out together, they'd ask if we were dating, or something similar.  I'd laugh, say that he has a girlfriend at home, I have a boyfriend, but that he was way more important.  We wouldn't fool aro

Last weekend was my first time seeing Kitty in far too many years.  And it was probably something close to being out of a storybook.  We were best friends that were a hair away from a very serious relationship for reasons on both sides.  We were the support structure for each other, and even though we'd bash heads once in a while, it was because we simply hadn't learned to communicate properly with each other, and shortly after, we'd be back to our snuggly giggly normal. Falling back into what had so naturally was almost surreal.  Like time apart didn't matter, and even though we had these experiences without the other there, it didn't affect us at all.  The only difference I noticed was us not holding hands constantly, but we took every possible chance to snuggle and hug and have all the little affectionate touches that help us both. While we threw around a bunch of ideas of things to do, we wound up wandering Philly, babbling about random things, and going right

The weekend of Halloween was hectic to say the least.  While at the beast's parade at school, my mother tripped on the blacktop, and wound up breaking her wrist.  Which means I've had to take over everything for a house where I'm treated like complete shit. Now, it's rather obvious that for me service is a form of affection.  It's how I show I care, and it comes naturally, and near effortlessly for those I'm close to. For environments like the one I live in aren't the case for this though.  It's psychologically similar to having to fuck a stranger at gunpoint on camera while being ordered about the whole time if the person were vanilla.  And while that sounds dramatic, it's honest. Luckily, I hade Lux here over the weekend, who provided me much needed snuggles the entire time he was here.  He could tell how off I was, and kept being sure to hug me and make me smile.  It was such a tremendous help, and without him there, I would have been a total m

So, one of my oldest friends has in the last couple years decided that he wants to open his relationship into a poly dynamic.  He is interested in the idea of a closed poly situation, where the larger number of partners becomes almost like a supportive net instead of only having one partner to go to. And in all of these years since, he's yet to actually put out the effort to try and find a third.  He has no experience with polyamory, other than the concept, and things he reads.  I happen to follow one of his blogs, and with regular consistency he posts all this pro-poly stuff.  And that's cool.  I have no issue with it.  But what I don't like is when he starts reposting things that regularly put poly situations above mono ones.  Saying that monogamous, or monoarmorous dynamics are inferior or wrong.  To spout this when he's been stubborning through an emotionally abusive relationship with one partner for over a decade now, is basically his way of saying he'd rathe

So, a while ago I was watching the end of a game.  One of those story style games where you choose what your character says or does, and the actions and story around you are molded by your choices.  The basic plot is that you are a girl at an art school in her home town.  You decide to go there so you can find your old best friend again, after being apart for a few years.  Another girl has gone missing, and so you're trying to find out about that, and discover that you have the ability to rewind time. And when you meet your bestie again, and constantly throughout the story, you're saving her from dying.  You do everything you can, and even in the last episode of the game, you spend half the time rewriting the entire story just to save her. And then the final decision comes.  As you watch a storm destroying your home town, you stand hand in hand with the one person who knows you, and has been there the entire time, and you have to decide whether to go back and let her die whe