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Sway

When I was planning on Kitty to be here last weekend, and during my hunt for an adventure next month with he and Lux, I started just poking through different events in the area.  Looking at all the options available to find something fun. And, I found a lot of weird play events in this area.  One with such odd rules and pricing structures, it completely turned me off to them. Things like only allowing men to have "bisexual" play and sex in one room, as if their gay might start catching through the rest of the venue.  And means that any play can't possibly happen without sex being involved, or that any boy touching another boy in any fashion must mean they're gay. But, that doesn't count for girls.  Girls can grab boobs and beat up other girls wherever they want. Because, that's fair. And the pricing got me even more pissed. Single girls were free. Single men weren't allowed, even if an escort for a girl. Any couples had to be listed as being so on

Cabin Fever

So, there's a lot of snow on the ground.  Somewhere near two feet of snow is everywhere, and the roads still aren't clean. Last week, after doing all manner of planning and being excited, Kitty felt safest cancelling our weekend together due to the snow.  His little hybrid just can't move itself on any snow and ice, and so he didn't want to risk the trip.  Squishy also wound up staying home, because the gnome didn't want her snowed in up there. So it's been me, my parents, and squishy, and now all I want is time away from them.  Mind you, I do feel very lonely at the same time though.  All weekend, despite spending hours on the phone with Kitty, all I wanted was to snuggle up him or Lux and relax with them.  Sometimes, this distance thing is a pain in the ass. Kitty and I were fairly affectionate all weekend though, and there were many moments when we expressed just how important we are to the other's lives.  It's the kind of affection we both needed

Myriad

So, I'm unfortunately not with Kitty right now.  More on that later, but instead, an update on the many other things that have happened in the last few weeks. The beast had her seventh birthday.  She got a ton of presents, and I got to meet the boy she likes from her class, which was adorable.  I hope they become good friends.  The party left me tired, but she had a good time. I've got two nights a week busy with different stuff now.  One night is for dancing with a good friend Faye, who is in a new relationship and it's adorable.  The other is with one of my wifeys, who is either going to be dancing or bringing games for us to play.  Having two evenings busy every week is a bit of a change for me again, but it's good for me to be social again, and it does help my mindset. My family is becoming to irrationally toxic toward me that it's slowly creeping into how they view and treat others as well.  They very soon are going to lose everyone around them just with how

Not Spinning

Thrax used to constantly refer to people as "spinning plates", which was something I hated.  Any time you compare someone to something mundane and generic, it's showing you don't see them as a complex unique being.  And always when using this, he would say that my plate was "well spun", and use it as an excuse to ignore me, thinking I was perfectly happy being on the backburner, as he spent all his time, money, and energy, attempting to woo toxic girls, despite my speaking up about issues. He was so concerned with just obtaining people, and then seeing them as taken care of just because they were present.  He would constantly neglect me, thinking I was happy despite my blatently saying otherwise. People, especially significant important partners, are not spinning plates.  They aren't something you just check in with once in a while, or put work in at the beginning, and then move onto the next.  It creates that cycle of neglect, occasionally looking and

Glad to be Lacking

Last year at Flea, Lux and I brought Nessa, and he blames that weekend to be where she wound up moving away from him.  She spent the entire weekend swooning over, and making out with a couple we refer to as our stalkers, and riding the waves of odd new relationship energy that pulls her along with every new person she finds. And as Lux and I went to get dinner that night, crossing the street in the snow, we discussed her falling victim to NRE so often.  How Lux does find himself enjoying it on occasion, but not as quickly as she.  And how I don't really experience it. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  How I really don't get any sort of shiny feeling with new people.  In fact. It's sort of the opposite.  The longer someone sticks around, the more time I want to invest in them.  The more I've learned, the more I find those faults endearing, because they make that person shine.  That after years, I feel more peace and excitement to see and hug them every sin

Better When

I remember a lot of my posts in my old blog that said that things would be good in a matter of time, I just needed to wait for something to happen.  Then, it would, and I'd still be waiting for something new to happen for things to be better with Thrax.  It was this empty chase, waiting for things to be good, and I stayed along because I'm stubborn, and the sparse days where things were good compared to the normal. And then, shortly after he and I broke up, I read something about not waiting.  If you have to say that things will be good with a partner when some external thing occurs, you'll always be putting weight on the relationship that everything in life needs to be perfect for things to be happy with your partner.  This constant building towards an ideal just to be able to say you and your partner are doing well. And dear gods, did that resonate with me. After the initial honeymoon period, things with Thrax and I were never good.  Waiting for something with work, or

New Things

With the new year comes the chance for change, and so I make a list of things I want to accomplish. Learn to make biscotti Spend more time with friends Read more Get better at arm balances Have more playtime with partners Create a more positive living space Continue getting into better physical space Improve mental health I'm in a bad mental place coming into this year, and it shows.  Here's to doing what I can to make it better in the coming months. Posted via Blogaway

Beastie Things

The other day, while making dinner, the beast looked at me and said "[Boy] in my class sits behind me everyday because he liiiiiiiiikes me".  And, no lie, how she said it was fucking adorable.  Part of me is still denying that she's grown up enough to acknowledge the existence of any feels, but it's still cute.  She then proceeded to talk about him a ton, which is blantently pointing to her thinking she likes him, because she generally ignores the idea of male friends.  My mom pointed out then, that at her age one boy in my class was constantly following me around, and probably liked me too.  I told her I never noticed, even though we were friends, and would play/talk every day during school.  She then said that she didn't think that I realized boys and girls were different until I was about ten. My response was that I never really viewed boys and girls as different things.  Everyone is a people, and so I just treat them that way, which is why I've never had

As Expected.

Christmas was just the emotional clusterfuck I expected it to be.  My family, despite the reminders through several situations, forgot to get me any gifts.  Now, while I figured this would happen, and don't care much about getting things, I've talked recently on how it feels to be forgotten, and considering that I've been busting my ass to make everything they want happen, to not be a thought is a bit of a kick in the teeth. And to top it off, the beast noticed.  After opening all her gifts, she looked around at everyone sitting with boxes and bags in front of them, and me with nothing at the table.  She asked why Santa didn't bring me anything, but did for everyone else.  She said that I've been good, and took good care of her, and deserved a mountain of presents, and didn't know why Santa missed me. And my parents stayed silent, leaving me to explain to my six year old without ruining Santa, that my parents are asshats. I vented to a lot of people.  Kitty a

One more down

It's the end of another year, and so, time to reflect on everything that's happened. I've learned that everyone I'm directly related to is toxic. That I was raised with no idea of what a healthy relationship was. That I will never be acknowledged as a person by my parents, and subsequently it teaches my daughter to do the same. I reconnected with one of the best people ever to come into my life. I discovered that I am poly, when I have healthy relationships around. I got into better shape, expanded my flexibility, and taught myself to do new things. My skills in a lot of arts were pushed, and I learned a lot. There were many new adventures, which were fantastic experiences. I was cared for, which is far beyond what I have at home. I tried as much as I possibly could to be a supportive partner, and take care of those important to me. Posted via Blogaway

Unwanted Adventure

I'm feeling emotionally torn apart.  Between Lux, and Kitty right now, I have a lot of stuff taking up my energy. Kitty has a primary that he lives with.  She is in the military for medicine, and is about to start her residency.  Well, she recently got her assignment. They were expecting something that would have them relocating just about an hour away for it to be more convenient.  She had also interviewed near where her other partner lives, across the country, where she went to college, and near his brother, again on the west coast.  I wasn't the happiest about any of those, because they all put him farther away from me, and I do enjoy spending time with my kitty. However, despite the planning, she was stationed somewhere else.  All the way down in Florida.  Where none of us know anyone to point them towards a social circle, or help them build a life.  And where Kitty has very little chance of finding a job in his field, or a good option for a masters program as a backup. 

Bah Humbug

If you haven't gotten it yet, I'm not a big fan of the holidays.  They seriously drain me, provide a massive amount of stress, and in general make me rather cranky.  And to top it off, my family has a tendency of forgetting me around this time of year.  Treating me more like shit than usual, but ignoring, and forgetting about me.  Mind you, I'm not the materialistic type.  I don't want much, usually because anything I'm told I'll get by most never happens, or I'm told no to things I need.  It's how I grew up, and it's always a bit of a shock to find out how abnormal it is. But, as you can see, this sort of environment doesn't make for much Christmas spirit.  It's why I'd get so upset with Thrax, when he'd literally spend thousands on Bit (usually on things from my wishlists, or that he'd previously promised me), then realize he forgot to get me anything, and yell at me that I was wrong and he was waiting for it to show if I aske

Away

Recently, I saw a game that was more like going for a weird emotional ride.  A game that showed things from back in the day of using AIM, and editting thoughts or backing out of things as you went along.  Of unspoken feelings, and lost opportunities. And, a year ago, it would have hit me really hard.  The game is about the protagonist, and his best friend, a girl, and their conversations from the end of high school and the subsequent few years following.  He never says how he feels, and sees her leave, winding up with someone who is likely emotionally abusive, and losing that friendship. And, a year ago, I had thought Kitty was near out of my life permanently.  He was with someone who was jealous, and controlling, and had moved in order to further his life in a way that he couldn't here.  He knew how much I cared, but I thought that I'd lost him from my life. And at the same time, a year ago Lux had just recently moved, and I was seeing him less often.  We were making a lot

Insanity

Lately, I barely have time to breathe.  This time of year is always busy for me, trying to make happen everything my family needs, and consequently getting shit on.  Hooray. We celebrate Channukah as well as Christmas, so when Thanksgiving comes around, we're pretty much in constant holiday prep, and guess who is constantly cleaning up messes and doing the work. The cookiepocalypse is in full swing, and so I've been baking nonstop, and working on a few other things.  Doing this around holiday logistics is less than fun, but luckily there is only a little while longer to deal with it. This time of year always has my stress levels through the roof.  It fucks with my cycle and always has me feeling wonky.  To top it off, Lux and Kitty are both so swamped at work that I barely hear from them, and it just drags me down more.  Soon though, the holidays will be done, and I'll have time with the people I really care about, and it'll make things much better. Posted via Bloga

Masochism

The last few weeks I've been waist deep in projects.  Not just any projects mind you, but very detailed, time consuming, and intricate projects.  Things that kill my hands, make me feel exhausted, and sometimes are just overwhelming.  I made my father a snuggly couch blanket.  Contrasting colors that vibrate, and it's a good size to curl up with.  It was almost a month of working on it for two hours a day. I made kitty and his primary some plushies.  New patterns for me, and plushies are always a bit of a pain.  Making sure everything is the right size, and lined up correctly is difficult.  They loved them though. Since the summer, I've been working on a set of blankets.  Star wars blankets, comprised of two dozen separate panels, each featuring a different picture.  They're finally in the finishing phases, and have been a major source of frustration. I made Lux what I simply referred to as the masochistic project when I talked to him.  A tapestry crochet that I did

Literal

I see graphics, and captions, and posts and comments with this all the time.  It's a constant, and has become standard terminology for the vast majority of the country.  And for some reason, the words never stick with me. Things with the words "Every good girl has a bad side" or "Find a girl who is naughty just for you".  And, I just don't read it the same way most people do.  My incredibly high sex drive isn't bad.  My enjoyment of sucking cock isn't bad, and my sadomasochism isn't naughty.  These things are simply part of me, and I never use them in an ill manner. Telling me that I'm bad will simply make me not want to share that part with you.  It becomes hidden like so much of me does to the vast majority of people.  Saying I'm bad is telling me I'm doing something you don't like, and considering that it's often said with a boner in hand, it's telling me something very different.  Being bad is causing harm.  It'

Much Needed

Last weekend Lux came to visit after spending the holiday with his parents.  And it couldn't have come at a better time.  We've both been at our limits with other people, and needed time to just enjoy each other. Up until a few days before, I didn't even know if he'd be visiting.  His parents have been wonky about him spending time with me for some really weird reasons, and it has caused him to have to do things he doesn't want to in order to keep the peace with them.  A part of me was really afraid that he'd opt for the entire time with them just to make them happy. And, when the weekend came, I thought they were playing games to keep him there, and from seeing me.  Not giving him an answer of whether they needed him to do anything, and stopping him from leaving.  Luckily, he's so much better than that, and made it over early in the afternoon, fried with them, and ready to relax with me for a day and let off some steam.  He apparently put his foot down ab

Take Away

I have no problem at this point saying that Thrax was abusive, neglectful, and an all around asshat.  He would constantly tell me how he wanted to play with, and fuck other girls, then tell me I wanted too much sex and play.  And by too much, it meant any at all.  We almost completely stopped playing once we were actually dating, and even though I would ask, and express interest, without it being constant, he would constantly make excuses, and tell me I was being irritating.  Every so often to shut me up, he would throw my cuffs on me, and do something outside of out broken record of sex, which usually just meant me bending over the bed instead of being on top. Needless to say, this had me feeling more undesirable than usual, neglected, and lonely.  I felt like shit in regards to how he wanted to play with everyone else but me. I mentioned last week about how Lux has had trouble kicking himself in the ass enough to quit hiding from play.  It'd been a really long time since we'

Closeted

Last weekend, I had to sit for my pseudo nephew while his father, who I refer to as an older brother, because he's been in my life since I was born helped my parents with something.  While waiting for a third person to show up, said older brother said I needed to supply anime, and we'd get booze later and have a night to bs. And, it wasn't bad.  I picked out the booze, so nothing weird or gross was there.  You know how most people get drunk, and feel relaxed, or have less inhibition?  Well, I lose motor function and that's it.  I actually get a bit more uptight sometimes because I get frustrated over that lack of physical ability.  I kept texting Lux saying how I don't understand why people enjoy being drunk.  I drink because I enjoy the taste of booze, but for me it's like having a piece of cake.  Every so often I want some, but after a serving, the craving is gone.  Normally, he's used to only seeing me around my parents.  Which means I'm censoring

Obligatory Turkey Day Post!

As is appropriate every year on Thanksgiving, the following is a collection of what I am thankful for. * Self awareness, and the ability to learn and grow within myself * The best support structure I've ever had in life, in the form of a fantastic domly dragon, and the return of my wonderful kitty, each of which have their own place in my life which no standard title would ever fit what they are to me * The realization that I am apparently poly, but just really picky.  And apparently should trust my type * Having seen and felt the effects of unbalanced and inconsiderate assholish poly, so that I have a better knowledge of the importance of the care I need to put into those in my life * Adventures, which help me experience new things, and build memories * A talent with the arts that will have me constantly making leaps and strides in my work * The ability to cook, and bake, and an enjoyment in doing so that brings people together * The inspiration to go do and see all sorts