A New Devious Chapter

Kitty and I used to have a very interesting dynamic in our unacknowledged relationship.  Even though we never discussed it, we had this incredibly strong support structure for us both, and in an odd way, became this weird non-controlling form of d/s.  He at the time did a lot to take care of me, and I tried to do as much for him as I could while being an awkward teenager.  It really looked like this solid healthy and caring relationship that was very obviously with someone in their teens and early twenties.  We'd argue and be at each other's throats over something dumb, and then the next minute, we'd be working like a well oiled machine, acting as the other's hands, and snuggled up as soon as we were done, not needing an apology, but simply moving on from it. And now, things are different.  We've both grown as people, and magically, it's been in a similar enough way that we still just mesh right.  Then there's Lux and I as well, who have a still different d

I wake up every morning to their embrace.  Warm and comforting, enjoying their touch on my skin, I have to convince myself to keep my eyes open.  That contentment as I welcome the day, and greet the peace of the moment.  The challenges of the day come to mind, as I contemplate their worth.  I snuggle in for a moment, sighing at what the day holds. "Stay with me," they whisper, "Stay with me, and we will have this contented warmth, wrapped up in peace as we watch the chaos of the world go by." The offer is tempting, but there are things I want to do, and learn.  There are adventures to be had, and hiding from the world shows me none of them. "Come with me, please?" I ask sleepily, still having touble keeping my eyes open for an extended period of time. "I can't, but I promise I'll be here whenever you decide to join me again." That's always how it is with them.  No matter what I'm striving for, they don't stand next to me,

While making out with Kitty when we were together last, he mentioned feels making his current situation difficult.  That he was used to how we felt about each other way back when, but now taking in his best friend, partner in crime, and a relationship that clocks in over a decade, as well as feels being far beyond what they were, it takes some processing.  And also, as he put it "that l-word we skirt around without really mentioning, but feeling", which I said that we've always told each other when it was needed, but neither one of us felt like we had the place to say it all the time. And then we did the math.  Six years since I'd said it, and longer since he had. There are very few people I've told that I loved since my mid teens.  Probably a half dozen, and rarely was I the first one to say it.  I wait until there's no chance of it being a crush, or a rebound, or any of that, and until that long term shine comes through.  And, I don't say it often.  N

It's been a few months, and after having time with my partners separately and together, I've learned a lot, and figured out many things in regards to how poly balances practically for me. Distance sucks, and even moreso with two partners.  They're both near the same distance from me, but one north, and the other south.  Which means that spending time with either of them is difficult, and they're both just out of convenient weekend visit range.  It's a lot easier to manage with boys as good as Lux and Kitty though.  Day to day I miss them both, and find myself wanting time with each of them, for reasons specific to who each one is, because I do get very different things from both of them.  However, I make sure to keep contact with them both, stay on top of what is going on, and support them as much as I possibly can. Lux texts regularly, but I need to square away phone dates with Kitty, which sometimes is easier said than done.  It's become much easier to give

Last weekend was one of those times when the world just gives you something amazing to let all the shit seem a little easier to deal with.  It started with more delay than any of us wanted, but holy fuck, it was fantastic.  Kitty and Lux got along well, and Fox is better than most of the past partners Kitty has had.  Whenever they were left alone for time to shower or whatever, there would frequently be giggling heard when I was done, or very comfortable and trusting conversation.  Also, within about a half hour of us being all together, Kitty and I both started laughing about the fact that we both have a type, and it becomes incredibly apparent when we have multiple partners in the same place.  Friday night, we had intended to stay in and play games.  Instead, we stayed in, got pizza and beer, and wound up just talking and being silly.  Lux went to bed around one in the morning, and then Kitty and I snuggled a bit, and we continued talking about a myriad of things.  I explained to t

I remember sitting in Kitty's old car.  We were at a gas station, heading out to go to one of his favorite places for dinner, as I told him about the insanity of my parents.  He looked me dead in the eye, and with that slight crack in his voice that happens when he gets into his protective mental panic, said "Y'know, I really am surprised you haven't started drinking or doing any drugs." I was 17 at the time, and just a few months after, my parents would force me to see a therapist because I demanded to be treated like a person, and with respect, and they saw that as "unruly and uncontrollable behavior".  The therapist said I was oddly clear headed and well adjusted for how badly they treated me, and once I turned 18, they didn't see me needing to go to them.  My mother said the therapist was a "waste of space, and did nothing", because I didn't turn into the moronic slave they treat me as though they want me to be. Needless to say, I

This weekend, I'll be spending time on adventures with Lux, Kitty, and meeting Fox, his primary, for the first time.  It'll also be the boy's first exposure to each other in person, and my first time being around both of them at once. Needless to say, I'm incredibly excited. However, this weekend has taken quite a bit of work to put together. Initially, we were all supposed to head up to Flea.  Lux has a bad taste for the event after the last two years though, and so we decided to take a break from it, and see if he misses it next year.  We however still wanted adventure together, especially given losing out on the time with Kitty, and the amount of time since I've seen Lux. Just deciding on the weekend was a project.  We had no real idea what to definitely do, so the weekend was in the air.  It wound up coming down to Fox's schedule, and then I had to get the gnome to watch the beast a different weekend, as I'd already planned for Flea.  That was diffic

Generally, I'm not a fan of Valentine's day.  I find it to be a hokey, false feeling idea that just puts unnecessary pressure, or a superficial mask on relationships.  The expectation or gifts and recognition and gestures and everything creates this competition, and often is the one day a shitty relationship seems to be decent. I'm also not a fan of grand romantic gestures, as I think they usually feel empty though.  It's the little things people do that make me feel the most loved and cared for.  Just thinking of me is enough to make me happy most of the time. There's also the obligation to show affection on the same day that everyone else does.  Showing partners you care should be a regular thing, as well as with any loved one.  In fact, those displays of care mean more on a random day when nothing prompts it more than simply thinking of them. However, as someone who enjoys showing little affectionate gestures constantly, this time of year does lend to it.  I

I'm a fairly possessive partner.  I'm probably considered overprotective, and very territorial.  And, when it comes to power exchange, or open dynamics, it's always been something difficult for me.  When something happens to someone I care about, I'm prone to a bloodrage, wanting to go after whatever hurt them, and be there to take care of them however possible. All the time though, I just want to snuggle up my partners, nom on their head and contentedly say that they're mine.  That's kind of difficult right now though, with Kitty having a primary he lives with, and Lux technically being the one in charge, that level of possessiveness doesn't really fit. And sometimes, that makes me a little lonely.  Not in a really bad way, but because I can't really express that affection the way I want to.  But, you know what?  They're stuck with me whether or not anyone else is there.  I'm loyal to the point of idiocy, and so are they.  In a way, even if n

The other day while on the phone with Kitty, we were discussing how I've never outwardly propositioned, or initiated anything with him.  I told him about how I'm constantly groping on Lux, and trying to get him out of his clothes as often as I can.  And, it's had me thinking since then about how differently I act around them both, and why.  Not that I'm any less myself with either of them, but how they act around me certainly brings out different traits in me. With Lux, he is incredibly forward with me, and while we do just snuggle a lot, the vast majority of the time, he's grabbing my ass, or pulling me against him, or having me suck his cock.  Because being this forward is the comfortable normal, I'm always doing similar to him.  Even with little cute affection, we are far and away more blatantly sexual with each other. Kitty on the other hand is very used to handling me when I was an awkward teenager.  We are constantly holding hands, and taking time for s

I saw a post on Tumblr the other day saying that no one finds people with physical "flaws" attractive.  That everyone only sees those with modelesque figures to be desireable, and anything other than perfection should be surgically taken care of, or altered. And, yes, there was a counterpost showing what most models look like when they aren't being photoshopped, but still, it was only these high fashion models being featured, and in pictures meant to make them look unattractive.  It didn't show at all how people who don't have the figure of an Adonis can be viewed as desirable.  Which, I have to say, both Lux and Kitty are two of the most beautiful men I've ever had in my life, and when I met each of them, they were both overweight, and far from what society deems as sexy in men.  However, Lux may still be overweight, but he has gorgeous curvy, long legs, and broad hips and shoulders that make him look like a walking brick wall.  He has big solid arms, and

When I was planning on Kitty to be here last weekend, and during my hunt for an adventure next month with he and Lux, I started just poking through different events in the area.  Looking at all the options available to find something fun. And, I found a lot of weird play events in this area.  One with such odd rules and pricing structures, it completely turned me off to them. Things like only allowing men to have "bisexual" play and sex in one room, as if their gay might start catching through the rest of the venue.  And means that any play can't possibly happen without sex being involved, or that any boy touching another boy in any fashion must mean they're gay. But, that doesn't count for girls.  Girls can grab boobs and beat up other girls wherever they want. Because, that's fair. And the pricing got me even more pissed. Single girls were free. Single men weren't allowed, even if an escort for a girl. Any couples had to be listed as being so on

So, there's a lot of snow on the ground.  Somewhere near two feet of snow is everywhere, and the roads still aren't clean. Last week, after doing all manner of planning and being excited, Kitty felt safest cancelling our weekend together due to the snow.  His little hybrid just can't move itself on any snow and ice, and so he didn't want to risk the trip.  Squishy also wound up staying home, because the gnome didn't want her snowed in up there. So it's been me, my parents, and squishy, and now all I want is time away from them.  Mind you, I do feel very lonely at the same time though.  All weekend, despite spending hours on the phone with Kitty, all I wanted was to snuggle up him or Lux and relax with them.  Sometimes, this distance thing is a pain in the ass. Kitty and I were fairly affectionate all weekend though, and there were many moments when we expressed just how important we are to the other's lives.  It's the kind of affection we both needed

So, I'm unfortunately not with Kitty right now.  More on that later, but instead, an update on the many other things that have happened in the last few weeks. The beast had her seventh birthday.  She got a ton of presents, and I got to meet the boy she likes from her class, which was adorable.  I hope they become good friends.  The party left me tired, but she had a good time. I've got two nights a week busy with different stuff now.  One night is for dancing with a good friend Faye, who is in a new relationship and it's adorable.  The other is with one of my wifeys, who is either going to be dancing or bringing games for us to play.  Having two evenings busy every week is a bit of a change for me again, but it's good for me to be social again, and it does help my mindset. My family is becoming to irrationally toxic toward me that it's slowly creeping into how they view and treat others as well.  They very soon are going to lose everyone around them just with how

Thrax used to constantly refer to people as "spinning plates", which was something I hated.  Any time you compare someone to something mundane and generic, it's showing you don't see them as a complex unique being.  And always when using this, he would say that my plate was "well spun", and use it as an excuse to ignore me, thinking I was perfectly happy being on the backburner, as he spent all his time, money, and energy, attempting to woo toxic girls, despite my speaking up about issues. He was so concerned with just obtaining people, and then seeing them as taken care of just because they were present.  He would constantly neglect me, thinking I was happy despite my blatently saying otherwise. People, especially significant important partners, are not spinning plates.  They aren't something you just check in with once in a while, or put work in at the beginning, and then move onto the next.  It creates that cycle of neglect, occasionally looking and

Last year at Flea, Lux and I brought Nessa, and he blames that weekend to be where she wound up moving away from him.  She spent the entire weekend swooning over, and making out with a couple we refer to as our stalkers, and riding the waves of odd new relationship energy that pulls her along with every new person she finds. And as Lux and I went to get dinner that night, crossing the street in the snow, we discussed her falling victim to NRE so often.  How Lux does find himself enjoying it on occasion, but not as quickly as she.  And how I don't really experience it. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  How I really don't get any sort of shiny feeling with new people.  In fact. It's sort of the opposite.  The longer someone sticks around, the more time I want to invest in them.  The more I've learned, the more I find those faults endearing, because they make that person shine.  That after years, I feel more peace and excitement to see and hug them every sin

I remember a lot of my posts in my old blog that said that things would be good in a matter of time, I just needed to wait for something to happen.  Then, it would, and I'd still be waiting for something new to happen for things to be better with Thrax.  It was this empty chase, waiting for things to be good, and I stayed along because I'm stubborn, and the sparse days where things were good compared to the normal. And then, shortly after he and I broke up, I read something about not waiting.  If you have to say that things will be good with a partner when some external thing occurs, you'll always be putting weight on the relationship that everything in life needs to be perfect for things to be happy with your partner.  This constant building towards an ideal just to be able to say you and your partner are doing well. And dear gods, did that resonate with me. After the initial honeymoon period, things with Thrax and I were never good.  Waiting for something with work, or

With the new year comes the chance for change, and so I make a list of things I want to accomplish. Learn to make biscotti Spend more time with friends Read more Get better at arm balances Have more playtime with partners Create a more positive living space Continue getting into better physical space Improve mental health I'm in a bad mental place coming into this year, and it shows.  Here's to doing what I can to make it better in the coming months. Posted via Blogaway

The other day, while making dinner, the beast looked at me and said "[Boy] in my class sits behind me everyday because he liiiiiiiiikes me".  And, no lie, how she said it was fucking adorable.  Part of me is still denying that she's grown up enough to acknowledge the existence of any feels, but it's still cute.  She then proceeded to talk about him a ton, which is blantently pointing to her thinking she likes him, because she generally ignores the idea of male friends.  My mom pointed out then, that at her age one boy in my class was constantly following me around, and probably liked me too.  I told her I never noticed, even though we were friends, and would play/talk every day during school.  She then said that she didn't think that I realized boys and girls were different until I was about ten. My response was that I never really viewed boys and girls as different things.  Everyone is a people, and so I just treat them that way, which is why I've never had

Christmas was just the emotional clusterfuck I expected it to be.  My family, despite the reminders through several situations, forgot to get me any gifts.  Now, while I figured this would happen, and don't care much about getting things, I've talked recently on how it feels to be forgotten, and considering that I've been busting my ass to make everything they want happen, to not be a thought is a bit of a kick in the teeth. And to top it off, the beast noticed.  After opening all her gifts, she looked around at everyone sitting with boxes and bags in front of them, and me with nothing at the table.  She asked why Santa didn't bring me anything, but did for everyone else.  She said that I've been good, and took good care of her, and deserved a mountain of presents, and didn't know why Santa missed me. And my parents stayed silent, leaving me to explain to my six year old without ruining Santa, that my parents are asshats. I vented to a lot of people.  Kitty a