A New Devious Chapter

Last weekend started off difficult.  Lux got held up a lot in traffic, and it meant we were very late meeting up.  By the time we got together, we decided that even though we were both hangry, we would get into the hotel, and order something.  Luckily, we were close to the hotel, and upon getting in, and giggling over the tub, we settled a bit, and tried to decide on food. Welp, we didn't get to food right away.  Instead, sex was very necessary, and even after we were done the first time, it was sort of a constant project to prioritize getting food instead of more sex.  He showed me his new ipad he got for drawing, and made a big deal of the quick doodle I jotted onto it.  We spent the rest of the evening giggling over cartoons while sprawled on the bed eating chinese, and snuggling.  It definitely felt like the calm time we both needed to just enjoy. The next morning, we woke up with more sex, and while trying to figure out what to do with our morning, had coffee, and Lux ran t

There will be real posts later this week covering what happened over the weekend, and other real things.  However, with last Thursday's post, and how the weekend went, I need to add a couple dopey moments to show how we giggle over everything. Lux decided to hide from me what sort of room he got at the hotel.  We got in, and I got a glance at the receipt, noticing he definitely didn't get a stock room.  We get upstairs, and I immediately see the corner of the giant tub in the room, and start giggling. Saturday morning, he decides to run a bath, and after nearly boiling his nuts several times because he made it way too hot, he lays down, and before I get in, we both look over, and notice just the head of his penis floating above the water, while he's completely flaccid.  And we both giggle.  Lesson of the weekend: flaccid penis' are buoyant. Then, the next morning, we are having sex, and he starts punching me.  One hit is right into my oblique, and the force causes in

Prior to this weekend with Lux, it had been a really long time with the absolute minimum affection, and time with partners.  I wanted sex of course, and snuggles, and just contact.  However, I found myself realizing I wanted very specific things. After the rope time with Kitty, I wanted connective, primal violence.  I wanted those endorphins, and contact, and sensation.  To be left tired, and feeling connected, my body overstimulated, and my mind floating in catharsis.  That rope just didn't do it, and it left me craving what would. I've wanted those quiet intimate evenings with my partners.  Time when Lux and I curl up mostly naked, playing video games and being silly.  With lots of sex breaks, and just being us and enjoying that.  Time with Kitty where we turn on a movie, and snuggle up, eventually making out like teenagers, and giggling more than anything else. There have been random nights where I've gone to bed and just wanted someone there to wrap myself around. 

Because I haven't been in a good mood for a while, and I get to see Lux tomorrow, I figured I would put down a collection of short little stories which make me giggle about him.  Some of those little moments that are just too funny not to keep around to tell when the timing is right. Background: So, Lux has giant schween.  Like, similar to, or larger than most porncock.  I generally don't mention this, because I care more about him than his genitals, but it apparently is something that brings about humor, so hooray. First, one of our favorite stories, from while I was living with Thrax.  It was just before the weekend that I was going to move out, and there wasn't much food in the apartment, because I did the shopping, and saw no point in filling the place with food if I was leaving in a couple more days.  The following exchange occurs: Thrax: Hey, is that sirloin still in the freezer?  Is it cool if I bring it out to PA? Me: Yea, but the filet in the fridge is defrosti

A while ago, the same friend that has been full of so many other issues posted to Tumblr about it's fine to live off fast food if you work because you might be tired, and cooking for a family is hard.  That there's no problem with living off it, and no one should have to cook to feed themselves after taking care of loved ones. Mind you, she, and her husband often have a completely empty house with no food when I stay there, live off junk food, and when she claims she's going to "cook" for a party or just to feed us there, it's a meatloaf.  Now, I have no problem with meatloaf, but that's all she makes.  Nothing else.  So we have small bowls of that, which are expected to keep us fed and happy for a weekend.  Oh, and if she makes breakfast, it's often bacon.  Yes, just bacon. This is how she feeds guests.  In incredibly small amounts, and just with meat.  I leave there and crave vegetables for days. And, she works from home.  There's no commute. 

It's been a little while since I got tied up with Kitty, and now that I can properly relfect on it, I can tell how it fits into the way I like to play. I'm not terribly patient when it comes to a lot of things, and play is one of them.  I know Kitty was trying to be very thorough about the harnesses he was putting me in, but sometimes I felt like I was just standing there as a mannequin rather than being played with.  I wanted to be doing something, not waiting for the next step in going in the air.  I've also talked about how play and sex in general for me is about who I'm with, and the connection and vibe therein.  Being in the air got rid of that chance, and made it so I couldn't do anything I wanted to, and not in a fun way, cause, well he doesn't control shit when it comes to me.  It created a desire to play rather than feeling sated.  I came down, curled up, and wanted to get beaten up, and to tear Kitty apart. I think, in the right mood, I could enjoy

Since getting back from my week with Kitty, I've been thinking about how that lack of time felt, and a more exact interpretation of what I do need to feel content and cared for with my partners.  Lux and I generally take quite a bit of time showing each other attention, so it goes well beyond what I need, and makes me often feel rather spoiled (which I am not one to complain about, nor do I take it for granted).  However, when with a partner who has several other partners who he is used to giving attention to, I need to be more aware of what exactly I need, so I can get what is necessary for me. I like being busy and taking care of a partner.  Being right there next to them while being social and working on stuff is fulfilling to me, but I think it's pretty normal to need breaks.  I need little moments where I get affection without prompting it.  It doesn't matter if it's a hug, or a grope, or whatever, but quick little moments are necessary a couple times a day, just

I remember a conversation that Thrax had with me one day while walking into the house.  Something that he felt completely justified with, and that he was right to tell me. He said that even though I was his girlfriend, I wasn't a "trophy partner".  That he needed to pursue the other girls he was going after, in complete disregard for who any of them were, because they were girls he felt he could show off more in public.  Yea, tell that to a girl who already has body dysmorphia.  Needless to say, it made me feel physically like garbage for a while, because I knew the only thing they technically had on me, was that they fit closer to society's standard of beauty.  This did just cement in that Thrax didn't really give a shit about me more than feeling like I needed to compete, but it still dug in what didn't need help in my brain. I'm very well aware that my build doesn't fit what society would normally prefer.  I'm not photogenic, but rather someo

I try to be very relaxed about my partners finding other fun people in their lives.  I try to trust their judgement, because, hell, they decided to keep me around, so they make some good decisions. I learned while with Thrax not to think of myself as being in competition with anyone.  That if someone is going to treat me like shit, they'll do it regardless of the other people, and anyone worth keeping around will listen to me warning them about unhealthy or attacking behaviors. Jealousy doesn't serve me, and I'm very comfortable in my view that so long as I'm being treated consistently, everything is cool in the world.  If at any point I need more attention, I have no problem asking for it, and generally get it.  However, I get nervous whenever a partner of mine finds a new person.  It's not really out of worry for how it'll affect me, but how it'll affect them.  I'm incredibly protective, and I've seen partners get hurt by others far too often to

(Written on the train home) So, I'm currently dropping from some last minute cherry popping, but I'll get to that soon. I anticipated the week to be filled with a lot of time to myself, and plenty of snuggles in the evenings, with some play and adventures.  Lots of time utilized with Kitty on what will be likely the last time I'll see him before the move. The Saturday before Easter I managed to get in a couple hours with Lux.  He was in a messy mindspace, but we had some good snuggles and time together.  I didn't want him to leave, and wished that after a month without him, I could have the night, considering I have no idea when I'll see him again. Sunday was the long trek in the evening south, and by the time I got in, all there was time for was a quick tour, some hugs, and bed.  The rest of the week, unfortunately didn't go so well.  Instead of time snuggled up, I had to listen to Kitty and Fox argue about their wedding, and watch him with one of his othe

For the longest time my body had a sort of defence mechanism against my sex drive.  Because all of my partners showed no real interest or attraction toward me for whatever reason, after about a week without sex, my brain would kind of shut that part of itself down, and I wouldn't think about it.  It was better for my own mind to ignore that part of itself, because it wasn't like there were really options for me (for a multitude of reasons). Welp, having partners that actually match my sex drive (some of the time at least) has definitely proven how much showing interest is important for me.  It was about a month between seeing Lux or Kitty both, and while Kitty still sees me as an awkward teenager, Lux was very vocal about that timespan's affecting him as well.  Those regular expressions of desire made that month rather difficult, and the distance wasn't helping. And, it's not as if I didn't have opportunities with people over the course of that month.  To whic

I happen to be just outside of DC right now, and up until last week, it almost didn't happen.  Back when Kitty cancelled his visit due to a snowstorm, he said he would have me down here some time this month to make up for it.  Shortly after I suggested visiting over Squishy's spring break, because it would give me way more time.  We agreed, that was the best course of action. The trip in February went by, and we were both excited to already have the next visit lined up, anticipating more time together.  Except then I could barely get a hold of him. And we had never ironed out any details. Also, any time we made plans to talk, something came up, so there really was no chance to figure any of it out. It got to the point where I asked Lux if he would mind having me visit, because if Kitty was going to bail, I wanted time with him instead.  Not because he was second best, but because I didn't want to lose out on time with both boys, considering how little I get with them la

So, go look at the very first post in this blog as a reminder, because it makes this post a bit funnier, and have more meaning.  Go on, I'll give you a minute. Did you read it? Got it all fresh in your head? Good. That party I skipped out on last weekend wound up being a complete clusterfuck.  Lux is actually glad I wasn't there for my own safety.  It seems that crazy feminist friend had gotten super drunk around Thrax the last time he visited without his girlfriend, and they wound up making out, with him not remembering any of it the next day.  Last weekend, she wound up doing the same with Felix.  After they were done, she amusedly told him about the time with Thrax, and his girlfriend heard.  She flipped shit, and jumped on Thrax, physically attacking him.  Crazy feminist pulls her off, only to get attacked herself.  Once they put enough bodies between the two of them, his girlfriend threw a fit to have someone drive her home (which wound up being an ex of hers who she h

The friend I avoided seeing last weekend posts a lot on the Tumblr, which is why I saw all those rants about how Lux and I are horrible people every time we'd visit.  While I haven't really looked at Tumblr lately, I hopped on to see something, and out of curiosity, looked through her blog there. I saw one particular post on there, where she talked about how abuse is abuse, regardless of whether the other person "wanted to harm them".  That affecting someone that way, whether purposely, or being unable to see that effect still counts as abuse, and not listening to person affected when they speak up and making those changes just cements it. And, that's not a bad view to have.  It's a very solid thing in fact. Except that she'll preach it only until conflict of interest arises. There were many car rides as I went back home with her where I'd tell her about shit Thrax pulled, and she'd just say "Well, he didn't mean to hurt you, he just n

Lately, I've been paying attention to what helps quiet my mind when it comes to body image.  It's probably no surprise, but my mental state has a lot to do with it.  When I'm only around my parents, who constantly treat me like garbage, I feel horrible.  I want to curl up in a ball, and I want no one to look at me.  Simply to hide under the blankets, and sleep forever, and not have to deal with any of it. And then I stop feeling drive to work out, and notice those changes as well.  I lose that clarity of mind, or that boost of energy, or getting to see what my body can do. It's terrible.  I hate the feeling, and yet I've dealt with it most of my life.  But, when I remember to work out as often as I can, my posture improves, and I see what I'm physically capable of.  I see my strength, and flexibility, and get that feeling like jell-o afterward.  It makes me see all of that in the mirror, and while I notice all the physical imperfections I have, they seem qui

It's been a really weird week for interacting with old friends. I had a weekend with a couple of my oldest friends, catching up, and playing games.  This went well, and I'm glad that it happened.  I stayed up far later than I should have, but it was fun, and that's what matters. However, one of my friends who was causing issues last fall has been trying to get me up to visit.  And, recently, Felix's mother passed away, and they are having a get together to support him, and she's trying her damnedest to have me there.  To the point where she changed the date to work with my schedule.  The thing is though, I don't really want to be around her anymore.  The last half dozen times I've been there, while simply trying to keep up with conversation, she's reacted to what I say with complete irrationality, attacking me, telling I'm wrong, and horrible, predjudice, and a shitty person.  Everyone that I explain this to says that I deal with similar enough at

Little things fuck me up.  The bullshit my family pulls, or the gnome, makes me constantly pissed.  It drags me down and digs away to the point where I overthink, and it makes me feel like shit.  When I bottom, if it's a long enough play session with someone I know, I'll go nonverbal with floaty endorphins.  However, I've got this weird sort of super power when shit happens.  If someone gets hurt, or something goes down, I burn those brain chemicals, and instantly put those emotions to the side.  I gain focus, and clarity to make sure whatever went down gets my full attention until it's fixed and I'm sure everything is good again. When I bottom, if anything is no longer happy, I quickly snap out of the floaty feeling, burn through those endorphins, speak up and stop what is going on.  This is not only helpful for making me a safe partner, but lets me make sure those I care about get every bit of help and support possible, no matter what is happening.  A partner m

Kitty and I used to have a very interesting dynamic in our unacknowledged relationship.  Even though we never discussed it, we had this incredibly strong support structure for us both, and in an odd way, became this weird non-controlling form of d/s.  He at the time did a lot to take care of me, and I tried to do as much for him as I could while being an awkward teenager.  It really looked like this solid healthy and caring relationship that was very obviously with someone in their teens and early twenties.  We'd argue and be at each other's throats over something dumb, and then the next minute, we'd be working like a well oiled machine, acting as the other's hands, and snuggled up as soon as we were done, not needing an apology, but simply moving on from it. And now, things are different.  We've both grown as people, and magically, it's been in a similar enough way that we still just mesh right.  Then there's Lux and I as well, who have a still different d

I wake up every morning to their embrace.  Warm and comforting, enjoying their touch on my skin, I have to convince myself to keep my eyes open.  That contentment as I welcome the day, and greet the peace of the moment.  The challenges of the day come to mind, as I contemplate their worth.  I snuggle in for a moment, sighing at what the day holds. "Stay with me," they whisper, "Stay with me, and we will have this contented warmth, wrapped up in peace as we watch the chaos of the world go by." The offer is tempting, but there are things I want to do, and learn.  There are adventures to be had, and hiding from the world shows me none of them. "Come with me, please?" I ask sleepily, still having touble keeping my eyes open for an extended period of time. "I can't, but I promise I'll be here whenever you decide to join me again." That's always how it is with them.  No matter what I'm striving for, they don't stand next to me,

While making out with Kitty when we were together last, he mentioned feels making his current situation difficult.  That he was used to how we felt about each other way back when, but now taking in his best friend, partner in crime, and a relationship that clocks in over a decade, as well as feels being far beyond what they were, it takes some processing.  And also, as he put it "that l-word we skirt around without really mentioning, but feeling", which I said that we've always told each other when it was needed, but neither one of us felt like we had the place to say it all the time. And then we did the math.  Six years since I'd said it, and longer since he had. There are very few people I've told that I loved since my mid teens.  Probably a half dozen, and rarely was I the first one to say it.  I wait until there's no chance of it being a crush, or a rebound, or any of that, and until that long term shine comes through.  And, I don't say it often.  N