A New Devious Chapter

The other day Lux was working from home, and when he told me, I said I wished I had been there to distract him all day.  To be there to pester him then after a while start giving him a blowjob, and being able to get away with it.  It's a normal sort of comment for me to make, and while I generally let him work when he needs to, it's not something that is out of character if I'm feeling super bratty. He responds by saying that he knows he has no real way to threaten me anyway, except with ignoring me, which isn't actually a healthy response in any way.  We continued to discuss it for a little while. It made me think about it from a lot of different views.  Mostly ones that were actually helpful, but some that are less fun. On one hand, Lux has had a lot of problems with power exchange after his previous partners.  He claims he pushed too hard with one, and was too absent subsequently with another.  Yet here I am, just as consistent as ever, and happily handing over co

Everyone was all over the place last weekend.  With the holiday, so many things were banking on the extra time to throw events. I however, live on the shore, and frequently avoid leaving the house over Memorial Day weekend because it's so insane here. Weeks ago, I decided to have a bonfire, and invited a ton of people.  One of which was a friend of mine and Lux's which was apparently having his birthday.  I offered to make him a cake, and he jumped on the opportunity. Lux however decided to take his new gear for a spin, going to a big SCA event to hit people.  I would have planned to go, but I had the beast for part of the weekend, which makes things like that difficult.  Which means even longer without a cute boy to snuggle.  Which sucks, but it saved him a lot of driving, and that's more important for him.  Give him more time to have fun out. Kitty was off to PDF, with it being his last burn before the move.  The day he left to head out, the movers were there packing

The other day I had a stream on while working on things, and the beginning of it was just talking to chat while waiting for people to show up.  At one point, they started talking about ragefucking, and argument sex.  They then said that it is never actually a good idea, and I started thinking about the science of it. Ragefucking is a trap.  Full on Admiral Ackbar trap.  When people are fighting, it stimulates the brain to create similar endorphins that would occur when we're turned on.  And because we're that worked up, we look at the other person for the same relief we would want when we have too much stress, or need comfort and catharsis.  That physical barrier is broken, so both parties let that be an instant response.  Afterward, all the bonding chemicals happen, and bring them back together.  It's probably the reason why most of the couples who constantly split and get back together do so.  They know they're incompatible, but there's that anger and then sex b

A while back, I was scrolling through a feed, and found a link to an article labelled "Most overrated things about sex".  I fell victim to the clickbait, wondering exactly what the writer thought went into this category. And, as I read the list, I kept feeling sorry for anyone that person ever had sex with.  The list was riddled with things like blowjobs, positions other than missionary, and even sex outside the bedroom.  It absolutely painted a portrait that she just wanted to starfish and let the guy do the work to get sex overwith, without her having to do anything. She whined about sex making her tired, and how having to hold herself up was too hard of work.  Now, I know I have better endurance than quite a few people, but getting tired is part of the point.  If you haven't gotten completely worn out, and your body still works, you haven't had enough sex.  Sometimes that means incredibly rough sex that doesn't last as long, or something easier that you can s

There have been some weird things I've noticed since being in a poly dynamic.  Things I often didn't think about prior, just because it wasn't something I had experience with.  On fet, I notice a lot of people label themselves as polyamorous without actually showing any relationships, and this often tweaks something in me.  I know many people aren't comfortable with the idea of living monogamously as a permanent situation, but saying that makes it look like you can never feel fulfilled by a single partner.  It's like saying that you'll take on a relationship with a person, but won't be happy with them until you find yet another partner. I'm rather fond of both my partners.  I'm in no rush to be without either of them, and hope they're both in my life and just as important to me for an incredibly long time.  However, I don't need one to feel fulfillment in the other.  They both make me happy, on their own, and just by being them.  If the oth

I was thinking the other day, of how Thrax was so vehemently against anything he deemed to be submissive.  This included things like doing favors for me, or even education in order to be safe during play.  He would refuse to do things like self tie while I would do the same in order to teach him basic single and double columns, because he would swear it made him submissive. And, really, this is just fear on his part.  As a switch, I've always been very aware that any act has the potential to be done with any side of power exchange, or with none at all.  Treating an act as though it can only be done one way, is going without looking at the possible fun in it.  Yes, there is an obvious top and bottom to any act (unless, you know, the same thing is being done to both, in cases of mutual violence, or molestation) but to say that an act inherently gives or takes control absolutely makes no sense.  Things like when I dig my hands into Lux, doesn't mean I'm in charge.  It's

Recently, my uncle came to visit.  Now, acknowledging how shitty my family is, my uncle is probably the worst of them all.  He's outright abusive, violates personal space, and will openly attack those who say anything to him to try and get him to quiet down.  While I had wanted to be conveniently missing while he was there, I was told I had to deal with him.  More than likely because they didn't want to deal with him by themselves.  In a five minute span, while putting away lunch and balancing things, he is shoving me against the kitchen counters, and asking if I have a boyfriend.  When I say no, he tells me it's because I'm too worthless for anyone to want to be with me.  He tells me that I'm not doing anything to put myself out there.  He tells me no one will ever see me as desirable. I can't say in front of my parents that I in fact have two partners, that both care about me a fuckton, and I just don't care about throwing a label on them.  I can't t

Both of my last two relationships were incredibly emotionally, and at times somewhat physically abusive.  To be honest, it's something I've dealt with my entire life, and currently as well from my parents, but I'm focusing more on those last two relationships in this case.  And while a lot of it had a shitty effect on me, it's also helped me become a better partner I think.  I know the effects it has, and I don't want people to ever feel that way.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, I feel like you can't really be conscious of it all unless you've been through it. Things like balancing partners, and making them both feel cared about, even though it's something I've pretty much gotten used to, is something I still worry about and make sure I manage.  I know how it feels to be tossed aside just for the prospect of something new and shiny, or because someone has decided to stop giving a shit.  I hate the idea of ever doing that to a partner, and if I ever

It's something a lot of people fear in relationships.  Hitting that point where there are awkward silences, and time together becomes routine.  I find that in order to avoid it, people try to keep from building a friendship with partners.  The less they know, the less they can relax and just fall into that comfortable lull, depending on passion and superficial attraction. I hate feeling that way with people.  I crave that comfortable feeling with people.  When we can lay on a couch naked giggling over the stupidest things, eating takeout, and playing video games, I am the happiest with a partner.  Those times that absolutely would not occur unless you'd spent enough time to just build that trust and connection with someone. When sex isn't the only thing that makes you feel fulfilled with someone, but those little moments as well.  At the same time, there is that knowing when it comes to sex.  How to tell your partner's interest, and feeling safe in expressing it.  Kno

Last weekend started off difficult.  Lux got held up a lot in traffic, and it meant we were very late meeting up.  By the time we got together, we decided that even though we were both hangry, we would get into the hotel, and order something.  Luckily, we were close to the hotel, and upon getting in, and giggling over the tub, we settled a bit, and tried to decide on food. Welp, we didn't get to food right away.  Instead, sex was very necessary, and even after we were done the first time, it was sort of a constant project to prioritize getting food instead of more sex.  He showed me his new ipad he got for drawing, and made a big deal of the quick doodle I jotted onto it.  We spent the rest of the evening giggling over cartoons while sprawled on the bed eating chinese, and snuggling.  It definitely felt like the calm time we both needed to just enjoy. The next morning, we woke up with more sex, and while trying to figure out what to do with our morning, had coffee, and Lux ran t

There will be real posts later this week covering what happened over the weekend, and other real things.  However, with last Thursday's post, and how the weekend went, I need to add a couple dopey moments to show how we giggle over everything. Lux decided to hide from me what sort of room he got at the hotel.  We got in, and I got a glance at the receipt, noticing he definitely didn't get a stock room.  We get upstairs, and I immediately see the corner of the giant tub in the room, and start giggling. Saturday morning, he decides to run a bath, and after nearly boiling his nuts several times because he made it way too hot, he lays down, and before I get in, we both look over, and notice just the head of his penis floating above the water, while he's completely flaccid.  And we both giggle.  Lesson of the weekend: flaccid penis' are buoyant. Then, the next morning, we are having sex, and he starts punching me.  One hit is right into my oblique, and the force causes in

Prior to this weekend with Lux, it had been a really long time with the absolute minimum affection, and time with partners.  I wanted sex of course, and snuggles, and just contact.  However, I found myself realizing I wanted very specific things. After the rope time with Kitty, I wanted connective, primal violence.  I wanted those endorphins, and contact, and sensation.  To be left tired, and feeling connected, my body overstimulated, and my mind floating in catharsis.  That rope just didn't do it, and it left me craving what would. I've wanted those quiet intimate evenings with my partners.  Time when Lux and I curl up mostly naked, playing video games and being silly.  With lots of sex breaks, and just being us and enjoying that.  Time with Kitty where we turn on a movie, and snuggle up, eventually making out like teenagers, and giggling more than anything else. There have been random nights where I've gone to bed and just wanted someone there to wrap myself around. 

Because I haven't been in a good mood for a while, and I get to see Lux tomorrow, I figured I would put down a collection of short little stories which make me giggle about him.  Some of those little moments that are just too funny not to keep around to tell when the timing is right. Background: So, Lux has giant schween.  Like, similar to, or larger than most porncock.  I generally don't mention this, because I care more about him than his genitals, but it apparently is something that brings about humor, so hooray. First, one of our favorite stories, from while I was living with Thrax.  It was just before the weekend that I was going to move out, and there wasn't much food in the apartment, because I did the shopping, and saw no point in filling the place with food if I was leaving in a couple more days.  The following exchange occurs: Thrax: Hey, is that sirloin still in the freezer?  Is it cool if I bring it out to PA? Me: Yea, but the filet in the fridge is defrosti

A while ago, the same friend that has been full of so many other issues posted to Tumblr about it's fine to live off fast food if you work because you might be tired, and cooking for a family is hard.  That there's no problem with living off it, and no one should have to cook to feed themselves after taking care of loved ones. Mind you, she, and her husband often have a completely empty house with no food when I stay there, live off junk food, and when she claims she's going to "cook" for a party or just to feed us there, it's a meatloaf.  Now, I have no problem with meatloaf, but that's all she makes.  Nothing else.  So we have small bowls of that, which are expected to keep us fed and happy for a weekend.  Oh, and if she makes breakfast, it's often bacon.  Yes, just bacon. This is how she feeds guests.  In incredibly small amounts, and just with meat.  I leave there and crave vegetables for days. And, she works from home.  There's no commute. 

It's been a little while since I got tied up with Kitty, and now that I can properly relfect on it, I can tell how it fits into the way I like to play. I'm not terribly patient when it comes to a lot of things, and play is one of them.  I know Kitty was trying to be very thorough about the harnesses he was putting me in, but sometimes I felt like I was just standing there as a mannequin rather than being played with.  I wanted to be doing something, not waiting for the next step in going in the air.  I've also talked about how play and sex in general for me is about who I'm with, and the connection and vibe therein.  Being in the air got rid of that chance, and made it so I couldn't do anything I wanted to, and not in a fun way, cause, well he doesn't control shit when it comes to me.  It created a desire to play rather than feeling sated.  I came down, curled up, and wanted to get beaten up, and to tear Kitty apart. I think, in the right mood, I could enjoy

Since getting back from my week with Kitty, I've been thinking about how that lack of time felt, and a more exact interpretation of what I do need to feel content and cared for with my partners.  Lux and I generally take quite a bit of time showing each other attention, so it goes well beyond what I need, and makes me often feel rather spoiled (which I am not one to complain about, nor do I take it for granted).  However, when with a partner who has several other partners who he is used to giving attention to, I need to be more aware of what exactly I need, so I can get what is necessary for me. I like being busy and taking care of a partner.  Being right there next to them while being social and working on stuff is fulfilling to me, but I think it's pretty normal to need breaks.  I need little moments where I get affection without prompting it.  It doesn't matter if it's a hug, or a grope, or whatever, but quick little moments are necessary a couple times a day, just

I remember a conversation that Thrax had with me one day while walking into the house.  Something that he felt completely justified with, and that he was right to tell me. He said that even though I was his girlfriend, I wasn't a "trophy partner".  That he needed to pursue the other girls he was going after, in complete disregard for who any of them were, because they were girls he felt he could show off more in public.  Yea, tell that to a girl who already has body dysmorphia.  Needless to say, it made me feel physically like garbage for a while, because I knew the only thing they technically had on me, was that they fit closer to society's standard of beauty.  This did just cement in that Thrax didn't really give a shit about me more than feeling like I needed to compete, but it still dug in what didn't need help in my brain. I'm very well aware that my build doesn't fit what society would normally prefer.  I'm not photogenic, but rather someo

I try to be very relaxed about my partners finding other fun people in their lives.  I try to trust their judgement, because, hell, they decided to keep me around, so they make some good decisions. I learned while with Thrax not to think of myself as being in competition with anyone.  That if someone is going to treat me like shit, they'll do it regardless of the other people, and anyone worth keeping around will listen to me warning them about unhealthy or attacking behaviors. Jealousy doesn't serve me, and I'm very comfortable in my view that so long as I'm being treated consistently, everything is cool in the world.  If at any point I need more attention, I have no problem asking for it, and generally get it.  However, I get nervous whenever a partner of mine finds a new person.  It's not really out of worry for how it'll affect me, but how it'll affect them.  I'm incredibly protective, and I've seen partners get hurt by others far too often to

(Written on the train home) So, I'm currently dropping from some last minute cherry popping, but I'll get to that soon. I anticipated the week to be filled with a lot of time to myself, and plenty of snuggles in the evenings, with some play and adventures.  Lots of time utilized with Kitty on what will be likely the last time I'll see him before the move. The Saturday before Easter I managed to get in a couple hours with Lux.  He was in a messy mindspace, but we had some good snuggles and time together.  I didn't want him to leave, and wished that after a month without him, I could have the night, considering I have no idea when I'll see him again. Sunday was the long trek in the evening south, and by the time I got in, all there was time for was a quick tour, some hugs, and bed.  The rest of the week, unfortunately didn't go so well.  Instead of time snuggled up, I had to listen to Kitty and Fox argue about their wedding, and watch him with one of his othe

For the longest time my body had a sort of defence mechanism against my sex drive.  Because all of my partners showed no real interest or attraction toward me for whatever reason, after about a week without sex, my brain would kind of shut that part of itself down, and I wouldn't think about it.  It was better for my own mind to ignore that part of itself, because it wasn't like there were really options for me (for a multitude of reasons). Welp, having partners that actually match my sex drive (some of the time at least) has definitely proven how much showing interest is important for me.  It was about a month between seeing Lux or Kitty both, and while Kitty still sees me as an awkward teenager, Lux was very vocal about that timespan's affecting him as well.  Those regular expressions of desire made that month rather difficult, and the distance wasn't helping. And, it's not as if I didn't have opportunities with people over the course of that month.  To whic